The Adventures of Pinocchio

Pinocchio:
Miracles are made in the heart papa.

Pepe:
Applause may be good for the moment, but love is everlasting.

Gepetto, the Puppet Mason:
Excuse me, but haven't you two got a pushcart to rob?

Volpe:
We've already done that.

Felinet:
But, Gepetto, darling, we were just playing with him.

Gepetto, the Puppet Mason:
He'll play with his own sort.

Felinet:
And what sort may that be?

Pinocchio:
[to Gepetto] How about carving me a girlfriend?

Pinocchio:
[riding The Big One; thinking] A real boy. I'm a real boy. I'm a real boy!

[the ride on The Big One leads through a fountain of water, which the boys drink, including Pinocchio, but it leaks out of holes in his body]

Saleo:
[to Pinocchio] Hey, Woody! You're leaking!

Lampwick:
I guess some guys just can't hold their water.

Professor:
Would someone please like to tell us of a characteristic which separates humans from the rest of the animal kingdom?

Lampwick:
[aside, to another student] Cages.

Lampwick:
[to Pinocchio] Hey, Woody, you ever get termites?

Pinocchio:
What are termites?

Saleo:
They're bugs.

Pinocchio:
I like bugs.

Lampwick:
Not these kind, you don't.

Saleo:
They eat wood like you.

[he kicks Pinocchio in the leg]

[Pinocchio's nose is stretching really long because he is lying about punching Lampwick]

Professor:
There are two kinds of lies: lies that have short legs and lies that have a long nose. And yours are clearly the kind that have the long nose.

Pepe:
[to Pinocchio] Say, do you always squish someone before being formally introduced?

Pinocchio:
Are... Are you a termite?

Pepe:
Oh, puh-lease!

Pinocchio:
So you're not gonna eat me?

Pepe:
Thanks for the offer, but I'm on a low-wood diet. Let me introduce myself. The name is... Pugnacio Elecuzio P. Elegante. Gimme a "P", an "E", a "P", an "E", put 'em all together and call me... Pepe!

Pinocchio:
Pepe?

Pepe:
You don't like it?

Pinocchio:
It's okay.

Pepe:
I'm very sensitive, you know.

Pinocchio:
No, it's... it's fine.

Pepe:
We can't all be called Pinocchio.

Pinocchio:
[Pinocchio is in the forest] Smell that pine.

Pepe:
You know, they ought to bottle that scent so you can spray it around your house.

Pinocchio:
[in the forest] This is where I belong.

Pepe:
You know, I prefer the beach myself, but property there is so expensive.

Leona:
[Gepetto is going out to sea to find Pinocchio] You're going to kill yourself for one of your puppets?

Gepetto, the Puppet Mason:
He's my son.

Pepe:
[fired through the air on a rocket] I can't go on a trip! I forgot to go to the bathroom!

[Pinocchio has tricked Volpe and Felinet into drinking the water that turns bad boys into donkeys]

Volpe:
[turned into a fox] Don't you just hate that kid?

Felinet:
[turned into a cat] Not as much as I hate you!

Lorenzini:
Act like a jackass, if you have the nerve. Drink up the water, get what you deserve. Be wicked, be naughty, come drink from my fountain. Then I'll be rich, king of the mountain!

Geppetto:
(He is fixing Pinocchio) There, that didn't hurt, did it?

Pinocchio:
Nah. Didn't hurt.

(Lorenzini knocks hard on the door)

Geppetto:
Now what can he want?

Lorenzini:
Open up!

Geppetto:
No good can come of this.

Lorenzini:
Geppetto, open up!

Geppetto:
(grabs Pinocchio) Stay there and be quiet! (Pinocchio looks round and sees other puppets sitting there; gasps) Don't even breathe! (To Lorenzini) Signore Lorenzini, what can you want?

Lorenzini:
The honor is mine to call again, my good man.

Geppetto:
You see Lorenzini, I have been spending a lot of time in the forest lately, perhaps I can carve you something grand... at the first chance I've got.

Lorenzini:
I have heard rumors. I bring good news, Geppetto. I am making my grandest production ever, and I am going to purchase... Your newest creation. Whatever it may be. Heh.

Gepetto:
(holds up two puppets) These puppets are made, from the finest cherry wood. You can have these.

Lorenzini:
(snarls) Don't toy with me, Geppetto. I would not buy those puppets from you two years ago, and I will not buy them today. So show me your best, and show me NOW!

(Pinocchio falls off his perch)

Pinocchio:
Oooh! (Runs at Lorenzini and ducks under his legs) Excuse me, coming through!

Lorenzini:
He is perfect... (Catches a fly) Stay! (Opens his glove, revealing the fly standing on his palm) Boys do like bugs.

Pinocchio:
Bugs?

Lorenzini:
They like to tease them, and twist them...and...

Gepetto:
Please, Lorenzini!

Lorenzini:
Ssssssh.

Pinocchio:
(Imitating) Sssshh...

Lorenzini:
He is magnificent. Name your price.

(Upon Pinocchio causing a disruption in class, the Professor turns round)

The Professor:
What is going on in my classroom?

Infantino:
The new kid punched Lampwick, professore.

The Professor:
(he walks slowly and menacingly up to Pinocchio) Is that true?

Pinocchio:
No.

(his nose grows)

Boy:
Hey, how'd you do that?

The Professor:
Silence! (looks at Pinocchio) Now you're not lying to me by any slim chance, are you?

Pinocchio:
Uh... uh... no. (His nose grows longer)

The Professor:
There are two kinds of lies. (he is now walking through the room) Lies that have a short legs, and lies that have a long nose. And yours are clearly the kind that have a long nose. Now, I will give you one last chance to redeem yourself: If you didn't punch Lampwick, how did he end up on the floor?

Pinocchio:
(struggling) Uh... Nobody punched Lampwick... Lampwick punched... himself. (his nose is now extremely long) Uh, I mean, a man - climbed - in - through the window and punched him, and Lampwick tried to kick him back, but-- but he missed (his nose is now the length of the classroom) and fell on the floor and-- !

(inevitably, the class laugh hysterically)

The Professor:
Silence! (fails to keep order) SILENCE! (Pinocchio turns his head around and the class on the other side duck their heads, he then turns the other way and Lampwick quickly distracts the prefect, so that he is hit in the head by the nose. Lampwick and Saleo then laugh.HIs nose hits the cleaning cloth filled with chalkdust and slowly rises to meet the professor's face)

(he suddenly notices Pinocchio's nose right in front of his. Pinocchio is about to sneeze)

The Professor:
Infantino! Go... go on... (gestures at the prefect) A handkerchief... go on! Quickly!

(as the class urge Pinocchio to sneeze, the prefect runs up with a handkerchief and Pinocchio disastrously sneezes all over the Professor's face, sneezing sawdust on him)

Pinocchio:
(He decides to tell the truth) I... I did punched Lampwick, Professore, and I'm sorry. (his nose shrinks)

The Professor:
Well, it's too late for that now. If there is one thing I will not tolerate in my classroom, it's a liar. Out.

Pinocchio:
(he walks miserably up from his desk but can't because of his nose, so he decides to tell the truth) Uh... uh... and... I am sorry that I kicked him too. (his nose shrinks)

The Professor:
Out!

Pinocchio:
And, I'm even more sorry that I'd told a lie.

The Professor:
"Out, out" I said!

Pinocchio:
(his nose now back to normal) But I want to stay and learn.

(he finally leaves the room)

The Professor:
Now class, we will review what we have learned today.

(Pinocchio runs into Volpe and Felinet)

Felinet:
Helloooo...

Pinocchio:
Hellooo....

Felinet:
Ooh, what a charming little item you are. (Holds out hand) May I? (Raps Pinocchio's head, makes a hollow thud) Ooh... empty as a witch's dowry. Ooh, look how smoothly his arms move. (Geppetto comes up)

Geppetto:
Now Pinocchio, don't do that again. (To the thieves) Er, excuse me, but don't you two have a pushcart or something to rob?

Volpe:
Uh, we've already done that. (Felinet glares at him)

Geppetto:
Come on Pinocchio. I don't want you doing that again.

Felinet:
Oh but Geppetto darling, we were just playing with him.

Geppetto:
He'll play with his own sort, thank you.

Felinet:
(suspiciously) And what sort would that be?

Geppetto:
Come on son. Don't ever do that again.

Volpe:
(confused) I don't get it...is he a boy, or a puppet?

Felinet:
He's a puppet, fur-face. He's going to be worth a fortune...and I know exactly where to cash him in! (Both giggle)

Father:
Don't worry, son! I'll get your ball back! (Felinet glances at Pinocchio's ball, realizes who it belongs to, and runs off, tossing the ball at Volpe) (Boy and his father round the corner, boy points at Volpe, who is foolishly holding the ball)

Father:
Take my kid's ball, would you?? (Punches Volpe viciously)

Judge:
(Hammers three times) Court is now in session.

Guard:
Case number 491, your honor. The people versus Luca Antonio Renaldo Geppetto Baldini.

Pinocchio:
My papa! (hugs Geppetto)

Geppetto:
It will be alright, Pinocchio.

Baker's wife:
(enraged) There he is, your honor! That little mutilator! He ruined my cannolis! He ruined my fruit tarts!

Judge:
Silence, woman!

Baker's wife:
He even ruined my grandmother's torta della nonna with the pinoli and the chocolate...

Judge:
Are you done?

Baker's wife:
No, I am not done! I would... (the judge hammers loudly)

Judge:
Arrest her!

Baker's wife:
(the guards attempt to grab her and her husband) Now, I'm done. I'm done. (the bakers sit back down)

Judge:
Now, since you, Geppetto, are responsible for this, uh, puppet, how do you plead?

Geppetto:
Guilty, sir. (the crowd gasps)

Judge:
You will pay twenty-thousand lira to the bakers and ten-thousand to the court.

Geppetto:
I--I don't have it. That's--that's three years wages.

Judge:
If you cannot pay, then you will go to debtors prison! (hammers hardly) Three years locked away!

Lorenzini:
Your honor! I propose the court allow me to pay the fines for this poor, impoverished peasant.

Judge:
This is most generous of you, Signore Lorenzini.

Lorenzini:
Kindness is my weakness. Of course, no good deed should go without obligation, so all l ask is to keep Pinocchio in return.

Geppetto:
Lorenzini, please, take any other puppet! l will work for you day and night the rest of my life!

Lorenzini:
Geppetto, is it just money for you? Pinocchio needs a home. All you can offer him is table scraps and cold winter nights, but with me, he will have a family.

Pinocchio:
What's a family, Papa?

Lorenzini:
My goodness, such a heartbreaking question, one no one should ever have to ask. Pinocchio, l can give you a life other little boys only dream of.

Judge:
What is your decision, Geppetto? (Geppetto looks around the court room. Without any thought or feeling, he looks down at Pinocchio)

Geppetto:
Pinocchio...

Pinocchio:
Yes, Papa?

Geppetto:
Listen to me. You're going to go with that man now.

Pinocchio:
But I want to be with you.

Geppetto:
I know, but you see--you see, there--there's no other choice.

Pinocchio:
You're my papa.

Geppetto:
I can't be your papa! You're made of wood! You're not flesh! You're not a real boy! (snaps) NOW, GO! FOR EVERYONE'S GOOD!! (Pinocchio begins to tear up after hearing the harsh words from Geppetto)

Lorenzini:
Let's go, son. (Pinocchio walks down the steps and Lorenzini picks him up) Good boy. (Lorenzini carries Pinocchio out of the court room as everyone watches sadly)

Pinocchio:
I love you, Papa! (the scene cuts to Geppetto walking home)

Leona:
(peeking from her window) Geppetto... I'm sorry.

Geppetto:
Why does everything good get thrown to the beasts? (Geppetto continues walking home as Leona sadly watches him)

Gepetto:
What news?

Leone:
Well I went to the baker's but they said nothing, so I went to town but nobody said anything, so then I went to Maria, the witch, the one who hasn't spoken in years.

Gepetto:
What did she say?

Leone:
Nothing. But, she gave me this.

Gepetto:
It's a twig.

Leone:
Think about it. Pinocchio probably feels like he can't come home, that he's lost, and you'd be angry at him if he did.

Gepetto:
Well, yes.

Leone:
And so where would you go if you felt like that?

Gepetto:
I don't know. Somewhere quiet, safe.

Leone:
And where would that be, given the fact you were made of wood!?!

Gepetto:
The forest! Thank you Maria!

Leone:
Well, what are you waiting for, let's go!

(at the church)

Pinocchio:
Hey, I know you - you're friends of -

Felinet:
No, no, we've finished with him now. We're just here to ask for forgiveness.

Pinocchio:
What's forgiveness?

Volpe:
Forgiveness is when you have done something really really wrong, and you know what you did was wrong, but you want someone else to tell you it was wrong, but you know what you did was wrong because you did it!

Monk:
Sssh!

Pinocchio:
Please forgive me for being a puppet, and not a real boy.

Volpe:
(tearing up) I miss my daddy, too!

Felinet:
(shushes Volpe and slaps him) You know, it may be possible for you to become a real boy.

Pinocchio:
How?

Felinet:
All you need is a miracle!

Pinocchio:
What's a miracle?

Volpe:
(buts in) A miracle is - (Felinet puts her hand over his mouth)

Felinet:
Miracles make your dreams come true.

(At Pleasure Island)

Pepe:
Rather cruel of you to shoot my cousins into outer space.

Pinocchio:
All I'm doing is having a little fun.

Pepe:
Yeah, fun, good idea! Fun gets my antenna waaaay up! But what about your Papa, you said you bought him up?:

Pinocchio:
I didn't bring him up.

Pepe:
Precisely my point! You know what comes from actin' like a jackass? And if you act like one, you'll become one!

Pinocchio:
Come here! Over here! No, this is all wrong! You gotta believe me! Look, they're trying to trick you! They want us to behave badly! Don't go on the ride! Please! We've been acting like jackasses, so that's what we turned into.

Lorenzini:
Well, well, well... Here I provide you with the most wonderful place to frolic, and this is the thanks I get. (angrily, to Pinocchio) You steal MY donkeys?

Pinocchio:
They're NOT your donkeys! ...This one's Lampwick.

Lorenzini:
(Tuts) Pinocchio, a good boy does not go around spreading lies.

Pinocchio:
It's not a lie. (Points to his nose) My nose grows when I lie.

Lorenzini:
(Straightens up) Come on, boys! Take the rides! Drink the water! (Throws tickets to the eager boys)

Pinocchio:
No, don't!

Lorenzini:
Be yourselves!

Pinocchio:
Lampwick! (Lampwick donkey snorts) Come on! (Lampwick neighs and knocks a stunned Lorenzini into the fountain, where he mutates into a sea monster thanks to the curse. When he climbs out, the boys yell in shock)

Boy 1#:
He's turning into a monster! Look at his face! (Lorenzini is unable to breathe and smashes through a mirror, jumping into the water which leads to the ocean)

Boy 2#:
He was a monster and got what he deserved!

All Boys:
YEAH!

Lampwick:
(notices that the boy took the gun) That's my gun!

Boy:
No, it's mine, lampshade!

Lampwick:
Nobody calls me lampshade!

Pinocchio:
(First words) Papa? Papa? Papa?

Pinocchio:
What's a family, Papa?

Pinocchio:
(Realizing his love for Gepetto) I love you, Papa...

Pinocchio:
Bugs?

Pinocchio:
Hellooooo...

Pinocchio:
(Catchphrase) Excuse me, coming through!

Pinocchio:
I like bugs...

Pinocchio:
(To Lorenzini) I love being a star!

Pinocchio:
(On his ambition) I don't think I'll ever become a real boy.

Pinocchio:
(On meeting Pepe) Who said that?

Pinocchio:
(To the boys at Terra Magica) Come here! Over here! No, this is all wrong! You gotta believe me! Look, they're trying to trick you! They want us to behave badly. Don't go on the ride, please! We've been acting like jackasses, so that's what we turn into!

Pinocchio:
Gepetto made them! I won't let them burn!

Pinocchio:
(To Geppetto) But... I want to be with you.

Pinocchio:
(Lying to save them from Lorenzini) I hate you, Papa. I wish I'd never, ever missed you. I wish I'd never found you. I never wanted to be your son... I want to stay a puppet!

Pinocchio:
(Inside Lorenzini's whale form) Lorenzini, he must be the sea monster.

Pepe, The Talking Cricket:
Long, long ago, in a far-away land, a young woodcarver took secretly to the forest. His name was Geppetto, and he was shy, and quiet, oh, and very much in love.

Pepe, The Talking Cricket:
Miracles don't grow on trees! Miracles are made in the heart!

Pepe, The Talking Cricket:
(To Pinocchio, regarding Lorenzini) That's not love, he's fooling you! He's got evil plans in the works, and he's using you to make them come true!

Pepe, The Talking Cricket:
No pain, no gain!

Pepe, The Talking Cricket:
(Regarding Pinocchio's dilemma concerning Geppetto) The human dilemma. Or is it, the puppet dilemma? You've still got cake on your face. Say, you always squash someone before you're properly introduced?

Pepe, The Talking Cricket:
Allow me to introduce myself! The name is: Pugnacio Eleguzio P. Elegante! Give me a P., and give me an E., give me a P., and another E.: Put them all together and call me...Pepe!

Pepe, The Talking Cricket:
When the heart is full, and the heavens are listening...magic...is bound to happen

Pepe, The Talking Cricket:
We can't all be called Pinocchio.

Geppetto:
I carve this heart for dear Leona, while in this peaceful meadow. With dreams of hope, my love endures. Forever yours...Geppetto.

Geppetto:
(On Pinocchio) Tino, am I going crazy?! I have no idea how this happened! They're gonna burn me at the stake!

Geppetto:
No, no, I'm not your Papa!

Geppetto:
(Whilst chasing the puppet throughout the town) Ooh, ooh - Come down right now! What are you doing?! Come down this instant young - man! Come down here! I'm not going to go chasing after you!

Geppetto:
Leona, please don't tell me about the forest - I've been coming out here for years with my brother Enzio - may he rest in peace - since I was a little boy!

Geppetto:
(To Leona) In this case, this is why you should have never married my brother! Because you should have married me! The day I carved that heart in the tree, you accepted my brother's proposal!

Lorenzini:
Listen closely. Next week's puppet show must be the most spectacular ever. Every single child must be in attendance.

Lorenzini:
The honour is mine to call again, my good man.

Lorenzini:
Felinet. Looking for employment?

Lorenzini:
(On Pinocchio asking what is a family) Oh, my goodness... Such a heart-breaking question! One no one should ever have to ask. Pinocchio... I can give you a life, all the little boys only dream of.

Lorenzini:
(To Geppetto) I am making my grandest production ever, and I am going to purchase... Your newest creation. Whatever it may be. Heh.

Lorenzini:
(To Pinocchio, after he has destroyed Lorenzini's theatre) Come here, you little... (Gets struck by fire) Ah!!

Lorenzini:
I see all of them... Little specks of gold!

Lorenzini:
Now for the fireworks. (Munches chili peppers)

Lorenzini:
(To Volpe and Felinet) I will kill you if you don't bring me that puppet.

Lorenzini:
(To Pinocchio) I'll break you into firewood. PUPPET!!!