The Adventures of Rocky & Bullwinkle

Fearless Leader:
Have you liquidated Moose and Squirrel? Did you use the CDI? Are you talking to me? Are you talking to me? Then who else are you talking to? Are you talking to me? Well, I am the only one here, so you must be talking to me. And you are lying! Now catch Moose and Squirrel. And next time use the CDI on them.

[in the White House]

Cappy:
Bullwinkle, allow me to be frank.

Bullwinkle:
Okay, Frank. Allow me to be Bullwinkle.

Cappy:
[putting out hand] I'm Cappy Von Trapment, FBI.

Bullwinkle:
I thought you said your name was Frank.

Cappy:
SHUT UP, BULLWINKLE.

Bullwinkle:
Okay, Frank.

Minnie Mogul:
I can't sign a contract that will help three ruthless villains take over the world. I just can't.

Fearless Leader, Boris, and Natasha:
Why not?

Minnie:
My pen's out of ink.

Narrator:
And then through the miracle of computer-generated digital technology, Minnie reached into the television set and signed the contract. But when she tried to pull the contract out, the expensive animated characters were instantly converted into even more expensive motion picture stars.

Fearless Leader:
Sometimes, it's not so easy being Fearless Leader.

Narrator:
At that moment, Karen and Rocky's only hope in the whole WORLD, was Bullwinkle J. Moose... In other words, they didn't have a prayer.

Rocky:
I KNEW we shouldn't have left him! We haven't been apart in thirty-five years!

Fearless Leader:
How many times in the past have they stood between me and my dreams of glory? How many times have they foiled my plans with their bungling interference?

Boris:
Er... 28?

Fearless Leader:
Quiet, idiot!

Fearless Leader:
There has never been a way to actually destroy a cartoon character until now.

Pottsylvanian scientist:
What about that movie Roger Rabbit?

Fearless Leader:
Shut up. This is totally different. [pauses] There has never been a way to actually destroy a cartoon character until now.

Boris:
We don't need computer weapon to kill moose and squirrel. We've been trying to kill moose and squirrel for 35 years.

Natasha:
And we've never even come close.

Boris:
Exactly.

Karen:
Boris Badenov. I've seen you on TV. You're a crooked, creepy, no-good rotten worm.

Boris:
Oh, thank you.

Karen:
You're slimy, sneaky, sleazy...

Boris:
Please. You'll turn my pretty head.

Karen:
You're a sadistic spy and a really bad person

Boris:
Stop. You're embarrassing me.

[the cannon fails to fire]

Boris and Natasha:
Where is boom?

Rocky:
Hokey smoke, are you all right?

Bullwinkle:
Yes, but I think we're on the wrong show.

[looking at Karen]

Bullwinkle:
Look how well they drew that girl.

[Bullwinkle is going for a walk in the woods]

Rocky:
But Bullwinkle, there aren't any more woods.

Bullwinkle:
You don't have to tell me, I'm the Chairman for the Frostbite Falls Society of Wildlife Conversation.

Rocky:
You mean "wildlife conSERVation."

Bullwinkle:
What'd I say?

Rocky:
You said "wildlife conVERSation."

Bullwinkle:
Well, somebody's gonna have to start talking about these things.

Rocky:
Bullwinkle, you weigh 400 imaginary pounds.

Bullwinkle:
Yeah, but it's all moose-le.

[Natasha has posed as Karen to gain an upper hand, and the real Karen is being arrested for impersonating an FBI Agent]

Rocky:
But she really is with the FBI.

Oklahoma Cop:
Yeah, and I'm really John Goodman.

Martin:
Don't you guys know about faxes?

Lewis:
Yeah, don't you know about E-mail?

Bullwinkle:
Sure. A fax is a little red critter that hunts geese and chickens. Half of them are males, and the other half are "E-males".

Martin:
No, it's a way of transmitting computer-generated information across great distances in the blink of an eye!

Bullwinkle:
Well I was close.

Judge Cameo:
The defendants are charged with grand theft auto: 1 count; breaking out of jail: 1 count; impugning the character of a prison guard: 1 count; reckless driving: 4 counts; talking to the audience; five counts; criminally bad punning: 18 counts.

Bullwinkle:
And three dukes and seven earls. Ha ha ha ha.

Judge Cameo:
Make that 19.

Narrator:
And so RBTV changed its name from Really Bad Television to Rocky and Bullwinkle Television.

Bullwinkle:
What's the difference?

Judge Cameo:
And you, Mr. District Attorney, I'd like to point something out to you in the penal code: Section C, Paragraph 22: "Celebrities are above the law." This case is dismissed.

Karen:
Bullwinkle, can you rappel?

Bullwinkle:
Sure. I've been repelling viewers for years.

[Bullwinkle is flying over Washington D.C]

Bullwinkle:
Boy, New York sure has changed a lot since my day. They even moved the White House here.

[reading scripts]

Minnie Mogul:
Too intelligent.

[shreds script]

Minnie Mogul:
Too intelligent.

[shreds script]

Minnie Mogul:
Too intelligent.

[shreds script]

Minnie Mogul:
Hey, how did that happen?

Fearless Leader:
We're attached to the project.

Narrator:
But even though the pun was weak, the contract was ironclad.

Narrator:
As dawn broke...

[the sun appears as glass is heard shattering]

Rocky:
But Karen, we can't ride to the rescue in a stolen truck.

Bullwinkle:
Yeah. Why couldn't you steal something with bucket seats?

Bullwinkle:
What moose can't drive a automobile?

[Crashes into a wall]

Bullwinkle:
Never said I could drive it well.

Karen:
It's Rocky... and Bull... Bull...

Bullwinkle:
I believe the word you're looking for is "winkle".

Bullwinkle:
Quick! Let's go to a commercial!

[nothing happens]

Bullwinkle:
What is this? PBS?

[Bullwinkle has just lost radio signals he picked up from electricutions in his antlers]

Bullwinkle:
Oh man! I was just getting jiggy with it!

[Rocky and Bullwinkle have their faces censored on news cameras]

Bullwinkle:
Hey, Rocky, your face is all blurry.

Rocky:
Yours too.

[Rocky and Bullwinkle have been flattened by a truck]

Bullwinkle:
This movie's getting kinda...

Rocky:
Don't say it!

Bullwinkle:
Two-dimensional.

Bullwinkle:
What kind of music is this?

Karen:
Hip-hop.

Bullwinkle:
[begins "hip-hopping"] Ok, but I still want to know what kind of music this is.

Bullwinkle:
Rocky's right, Karen, and two rights don't make a wrong!

Rocky:
Bullwinkle, that's not what you mean!

Bullwinkle:
You mean two rights do make a wrong?

Rocky:
No!

Bullwinkle:
I always thought two rights made a U-turn.

Karen:
I don't know how much more of this I can take.

Bullwinkle:
Well, let's find out. Two U-turns make a circle, two circles make a figure-8, two figure-8's make a butterfly...

Karen:
Look, all I want from you guys are results, okay?

Ohio Cop with Bullhorn:
You're under arrest. Keep your hands high above your head. Just to think, its the opening of moose season.

Boris:
[reading computer directions] Press any key to continue... Which is "Any Key?"

Bullwinkle:
Heavens to Betsy! This car is sticking its tongue out at me!

[first lines]

Narrator:
[over stock footage of various historical events in a parody of a newsreel] 1964, a crucial moment in American history: Lyndon Johnson is re-elected to the presidency by a landslide, the New York World's Fair introduces a bright new future...

Narrator:
[scene cuts to show an animated Bullwinkle pull Rocky from his hat] and after five scintillating years on the air...

Bullwinkle:
Presto!

Narrator:
The Rocky & Bullwinkle Show is abruptly cancelled.

Bullwinkle, Rocky:
[in unison] Cancelled?

[the boys are pulled off screen to the right by a vaudeville hook as two janitors come by to clean up the mess]

Narrator:
Sorry about that, boys.

[screen cuts to a card reading "TODAY", followed by shots of more recent live-action footage]

Narrator:
A lot has changed in 35 years: Velcro has replaced the zipper, sneakers have lights on them, the Cold War is over, and The Rocky and Bullwinkle Show is still cancelled.

[newsreel ends as a hobo yawns and exits the theater]

[cut to Frostbite Falls, Minnesota where things are looking lively with the locals]

Narrator:
Frostbite Falls, Minnesota, once the beloved home of Rocky and Bullwinkle had been a thriving cartoon town.

[crossfade to a "third-world country version" of Frostbite Falls]

Narrator:
Now, it was crippled by year's of reruns.

Narrator's Mother:
Oh, Sonny. Shut up!

[throws a pan at the narrator]

Narrator:
Meanwhile all was well with our heroes. Rocky was his old self again.

Bullwinkle:
Ah i'll never forget our trip to New York to visit President Washington.

Narrator:
And so was Bullwinkle. Yes glad to be home in their revitalized little town Rocky the Flying Squirrel took a well deserved joy ride through the sunny skies of Frostbite Falls.

Bullwinkle:
Bye.

Rocky:
Bye Bye.

[Karen has escaped from prison and has stolen a truck leaving Oleg stranded at a movie theater]

Narrator:
[to Karen; about her recent actions] Now THAT wasn't very nice.

Karen:
[scoffs] Shut up.

[Karen puts on a set of sunglasses]