The Ambushers

[I.C.E. agents are receiving instruction on the latest equipment]

Female Instructor:
[holding ray gun] This little gadget here dissolves metal electronically. Easy to conceal, extremely effective in times of danger.

[She points the gun and dissolves the belt buckle off a clothed mannequin. His pants fall to the ground]

First female student:
That's when the danger usually starts!

Second female student:
[seductively] I like my way better!

[Matt is shown a new weapon which gives a whole new meaning to the term "bullet bra"]

Linda:
It's not a gun, Mr. Helm. It's the new weapon they gave me, developed right here in our labs.

Matt Helm:
Developed pretty well, too!

Linda:
May I point out...

Matt Helm:
You already do!

Linda:
...that that's why you're here. To become familiar with our latest equipment.

Matt Helm:
You right. An agent should always keep *abreast* of the times!

[Matt and Sheila are hiding on a mountain-top]

Matt Helm:
We have a long wait ahead of us, so let's get comfortable. [lies down on his back]

Sheila Sommers:
[lying down on top of Matt] How comfortable?

Matt Helm:
It's broad daylight!

Sheila Sommers:
What's the matter with a broad in the daylight?

Jose Ortega:
[toasting] Cheers!

Francesca Madeiros:
[also toasting] Skol!

Matt Helm:
Sure it's cold. It's got ice in it.

[a new female recruit gets turned on by Frank Sinatra's "Strangers in the Night" playing in the background]

Matt Helm:
You really like Perry Como that much?

Francesca Madeiros:
How about a good luck kiss?

Matt Helm:
Well, I am superstitious myself.

MacDonald:
Have you ever seen a flying saucer?

Matt Helm:
Is that your way of offering me a drink?

MacDonald:
If this works, the planets are next door. And the universe is just around the corner.

Courier Slaygirl:
Long distance call for you, Mr. Helm. Hop aboard.

Courier Slaygirl:
[Matt sits himself down on the back of her scooter] I go pretty fast. Better find something to hang on to.

Matt Helm:
[Matt knowingly looks at the camera] Crazy.

MacDonald:
[referring to Sheila Sommers] She won't let a man get near her. But, eh, that's never stopped you before.

Quintana:
This is our light beer. Care for a taste?

Matt Helm:
Oh, I never touch the stuff. Except when I'm working.

Matt Helm:
Where are you from?

Francesca Madeiros:
The bar.

Matt Helm:
The bar... [laughs] I got relatives there.

Matt Helm:
[passing each other] Hi!

Francesca Madeiros:
A little.

Matt Helm:
You drugged me!

Francesca Madeiros:
Just in case.

Matt Helm:
[getting drowsy] How did you do that?

Francesca Madeiros:
Oh, do you like my lipstick, darling? It's a special brand. There's a chemical that penetrates the skin.

Matt Helm:
How 'bout your skin?

Francesca Madeiros:
I just took the antidote. [indicating the glass in her hand]

Sheila Sommers:
[pointing a gun at Francesca who is hunched over Matt Helm lying on her bed] Hold it right there.

Francesca Madeiros:
Where?

Sheila Sommers:
[referring to Francesca] You don't trust her, do you?

Matt Helm:
I don't trust any woman.

Matt Helm:
[during gunfight] Now I know we're partners. We're trying to kill each other.

Quintana:
[struggling to stay afloat in a settling vat] I can't swim!

Matt Helm:
Drink yourself to the bottom.

Matt Helm:
[referring to Francesca] Don't say it. You may hate her guts, but she's a pro.

Sheila Sommers:
Whatever she's pro, I'm anti.

Matt Helm:
Come on, Auntie.

Sheila Sommers:
Suspenders and a belt?

Matt Helm:
Yeah, I have trouble keeping my pants up.

Matt Helm:
[to Nassim] May a thousand tigers break every bone in your body.

Jose Ortega:
Just this morning I concluded an arrangement with an Oriental gentleman who's... name I cannot pronounce... for a rather large sum which happily I can pronounce.

Matt Helm:
What I always wanted, a magic bartender.

Member of firing squad:
Silence!

Matt Helm:
I believe the expression is, eh, 'Silence, Yankee dog', eh?

Matt Helm:
[the guard does not answer] 'Yankee pig'?

Matt Helm:
Let Helm put you in the driving seat.

Lovey Kravezit:
Mr. Helm, I just this second got here. [Sees the masseuse] Oh, am I interrupting anything?

Matt Helm:
No, she's just a masseuse.

Lovey Kravezit:
Ah. [Camera pans to Lovey's mini-dress] I think I've got everything you want.

Matt Helm:
Yeah!