The American Astronaut

Old Man:
Hey. Is it just me, or do my balls itch?

Samuel Curtis:
I think it's you.

Old Man:
Good. For a minute, I thought my balls itched.

Old Man:
So this guy walks into a bar and he says to the bartender, "Can I use your phone?" The bartender says, "Sure." So he wipes his ass on it and the bar - What? Ah, sh*t. I just told you the punchline. Been telling this joke so f***in' long, I knew I'd f*** it up.

Old Man:
So there's this man, and he lived his whole life on Earth, and his name was Mr. Stevenson. When Mr. Stevenson was eight years old, he asked another little boy if he would like a Hurts Donut. The other boy said yes. So he hit him on the arm and he said, "Hurts Donut." Five years later, Mr. Stevenson asked another boy about his same age at that time if he would like a Hurts Donut. when the boy said yes, Mr. Stevenson stabbed him over and over again in his eye and his cheek with a pencil, saying "Hurts Donut." Over the years, Mr. Stevenson did very well in school. On graduation day, he was sat next to another young man, who, like Mr. Stevenson, had earned high marks. When he asked the boy if he would like a Hurts Donut, the boy said, "Not if you're gonna stab me in the eye with a pencil." "I wouldn't even touch you," said Mr. Stevenson. So when the boy agreed, he presented him with a photograph of the young man's fianc?e at a bachelor party, on some guy's table, f***ing herself with a beer bottle. As tears filled the young man's eyes, Mr. Stevenson was heard to say, "Hurts Donut." A few years later, Mr. Stevenson got a job as a sales clerk in an electronics store. Within a year, he was caught stealing and immediately incarcerated. When he asked his cellmate if he would like a Hurts Donut, his cellmate said yeah. So... he gave him a Hurts Donut. Over the years, Mr. Stevenson grew too old to take care of himself, so they put him in a hospital. One day, he asked the new nurse if she would like a Hurts Donut. In anticipation of her response, Mr. Stevenson began humming and making smacking noises with his mouth. When the nurse smiled and said, "I know about you, Mr. Stevenson," Mr. Stevenson blurted out something totally incoherent and... and began to laugh.

[the bar patrons are laughing uproariously]

Old Man:
I've never understood this joke. But then, I've never been to Earth.

[Samuel is sleeping]

Voice:
What did your father teach you? What did your father teach you? What did your father teach you? What did your father teach you? What did your father teach you?

[Samuel wakes up, hits a switch, and speaks into a receiver]

Samuel Curtis:
My father taught me to kill the sunflower.

Voice:
Congratulations, Mr. Curtis. You are now awake. Two hours to Jupiter.

The Boy Who Actually Saw a Woman's Breast:
It was round and soft. Now go back to work.

[Samuel answers the phone]

Professor Hess:
Guess who this is?

Samuel Curtis:
Professor Hess.

Professor Hess:
That's right! You got it on the first try! For that, you get a kiss!

Samuel Curtis:
I'll pass.

Professor Hess:
W-what? You think I'd kiss you? You'd love it if I'd kiss you. And I would never kiss you.

Samuel Curtis:
You said you were going to kiss me.

Professor Hess:
I never said I'd kiss you. I never said that. You just want me to kiss you!

Samuel Curtis:
Um... not really.

Professor Hess:
Oh. I'm not good enough to kiss you. Is that what you're saying?

Professor Hess:
I have a picture of you. Guess what you're doing?

Samuel Curtis:
I'm taking a sh*t.

Professor Hess:
[laughing] I put it next to my trophy, and then I say, "Ooh, there's a stinky boy!"

Silver Miner:
In the year 1902, we were just a bunch of silver miners, out there every day, diggin' in the dirt, uneducated, and humpin' on each other every chance we could. Hell, sometimes some of us good ol' boys would even be humpin' on each other. And it weren't like we were tryin' to be fancy. We just didn't know what the hell we were lookin' at, did we, John?

Offscreen Voice:
Yeah, we did.

Silver Miner:
Ahh.

Lee Vilensky:
You will all partake in fresh fruit, brought here by the Blueberry Pirate himself. And I will partake in fresh fruit and sexual intercourse, an act in which we are all a stranger, but which, upon my return, I will describe to you in great detail.

Samuel Curtis:
Mind if I use your bathroom?

Eddie:
Sure... It's a real toilet, so be careful.

Samuel Curtis:
So... I take the girl to Jupiter, trade her for the boy, bring the boy to Venus, trade him for Johnny R., bring Johnny R. back to Earth and I get rich.

Blueberry Pirate:
That's it.

Samuel Curtis:
[pauses to ponder] Where'd the girl come from?

Blueberry Pirate:
Eddie cloned her from one of his own cells.

Blueberry Pirate:
[Both turn and look skeptically at Eddie] That's one detail best left unsaid.

Lee Vilensky:
[Addressing the workers] Gentlemen, you have all worked very hard. And among the lucky, you are the chosen ones. You have been sprinkled with lucky stardust. Yes, you have. For today, you have been chosen to reside in the court of the Great One. Gentlemen, I give you the boy... who actually saw... a woman's breast!

Samuel Curtis:
[Referring to The Boy] What's the matter with him?

Lee Vilensky:
Ah, you know how kids are. You sell 'em to a shitty planet, and they think you're the bad guy.

Samuel Curtis:
[Commenting on The Boy's odd attire] How long they been makin' you dress like that?

The Boy Who Actually Saw a Woman's Breast:
The word is not "make," it's "let." They let me wear whatever I want.

Samuel Curtis:
I see.

The Boy Who Actually Saw a Woman's Breast:
[Referring to Professor Hess, who has just made a disturbing phone call to Sam] Friend?

Samuel Curtis:
[pauses to ponder] A question to which 'yes' or 'no' would not quite suffice.

The Boy Who Actually Saw a Woman's Breast:
Does he call a lot?

Samuel Curtis:
No... He disappears for long stretches of time... and then he finds me, and kills everyone I come in contact with, and tries to forgive me. When he does that, he's gonna' kill me.

The Boy Who Actually Saw a Woman's Breast:
Do you like him?

Samuel Curtis:
[pauses to ponder] Yeah. He's like family.

The Boy Who Actually Saw a Woman's Breast:
And when he forgives you, he's gonna' kill you?

Samuel Curtis:
[Nodding his head] That's the kinda' guy he is.

The Boy Who Actually Saw a Woman's Breast:
What kind of guy is he?

Samuel Curtis:
He's a birthday boy. He kills without reason. If he has no reason to kill you, then he can kill you. But if he *has* a reason to kill you, then he's got a problem. Because if he kills you without resolving that problem, then you'd be dead, and the problem would live on forever, unresolved.

The Boy Who Actually Saw a Woman's Breast:
That doesn't make any sense.

Samuel Curtis:
Yeah, it does.

The Boy Who Actually Saw a Woman's Breast:
What did you do that was so hard to forgive?

Samuel Curtis:
Well, I'll tell ya'.

The Boy Who Actually Saw a Woman's Breast:
When I get to Venus can I get a dog?

Samuel Curtis:
[Thoughtful pause] Dogs can't live on Venus. When they roll on their backs, the pressure twists their guts up, and it kills them.

The Boy Who Actually Saw a Woman's Breast:
If I don't like Venus, will you come get me?

Samuel Curtis:
[pauses, grins] Believe me, you'll like it.

The Boy Who Actually Saw a Woman's Breast:
What are you gonna' do?

Samuel Curtis:
South America is where I'm gonna' go.

The Boy Who Actually Saw a Woman's Breast:
Don't you fear the Yetis in Rio?

Samuel Curtis:
No...

Samuel Curtis:
[after they have landed on Venus] You're not going out there.

The Boy Who Actually Saw a Woman's Breast:
[Surprised] What?

Samuel Curtis:
Shut up! Professor Hess is here. If he sees you, he's gonna' kill you.

The Boy Who Actually Saw a Woman's Breast:
Why's he wanna' kill me?

Samuel Curtis:
No reason.

The Boy Who Actually Saw a Woman's Breast:
Let's fly outta' here.

Samuel Curtis:
They're not gonna' dig out our ship until they get a boy.

The Boy Who Actually Saw a Woman's Breast:
[Ponders the situation, then looks at Bodysuit] Him!

Samuel Curtis:
Yeah... That's what I'm thinking... Put on some of my clothes and give him yours.

The Boy Who Actually Saw a Woman's Breast:
Why does he have to wear my clothes?

Samuel Curtis:
He doesn't 'have' to... he 'gets' to.

Cloris:
[Just got a whiff of Bodysuit] Oh! He seems to be in need of a bath!

Samuel Curtis:
I haven't noticed.

Professor Hess:
Samuel Curtis... It's my birthday!

Samuel Curtis:
[pauses, not looking back] Some other time, Professor.

Professor Hess:
[Last lines] This is where it ends... And other stories began. Sam moved back to Earth with the young man who saw the breast, and raised him as if he were his own son. I stayed on Venus to help raise Bodysuit in the hopes that he would grow up to be a fine young man, and I could kill him... but a boy seldom lives up to a father's expectations.