The April Fools

Catherine Gunther:
I would like to live in a castle.

Howard Brubaker:
All alone?

Catherine Gunther:
No, with a prince.

Howard Brubaker:
[to Catherine, after kissing her] That's the first time in years I've kissed a woman without saying "Goodbye," "Good Night" or "Happy Birthday."

Grace Greenlaw:
Are you a Gemini?

Catherine Gunther:
Yes. How did you know?

Grace Greenlaw:
A lucky guess. You should trust your emotions more. Stop think so much. I guess weight too.

Ted Gunther:
Do you type?

Naomi Jackson:
You mean... with a machine?

Howard Brubaker:
You mean... you're married too?

Catherine Gunther:
Yes.

Howard Brubaker:
Well, I'll be... can you beat... you know you don't look married.

Catherine Gunther:
Thank you.

Howard Brubaker:
I never was very good with animals. I get this dog that barks at me when I come home. Well, that isn't as strange as it sounds. He came with the house. He belonged to the former owner. And he doesn't know that I'm his master. He thinks I'm a prowler... so he barks.

Catherine Gunther:
[In the elevator] I don't mean to sound too forward. My name is Catherine.

Howard Brubaker:
Oh, ah, Brubaker... Howard...

Catherine Gunther:
Brubaker?

Howard Brubaker:
How do you do. [Awkward pause] I never know what to say in an elevator [Nervously laughs and another pause] Some party, huh?

Catherine Gunther:
Some party good or some party bad?

Howard Brubaker:
Ah... some good or some bad. On the average for that type of party, I'd say it was... average.

Ted Gunther:
[Looking at his piece of sculpture] What does it say to you?

Howard Brubaker:
Oh, it's... shouldn't there be something on it?

Ted Gunther:
The less that's on it, the more that's in it. That's art today. In any case, the safest response is, "It makes it's own quiet statement." And you can bet your ass it cost me a bundle.

Naomi Jackson:
[Walks sexily into Howard's office] Hi.

Howard Brubaker:
[Puzzled] Hi?

Naomi Jackson:
I'm supposed to be your new... secretary. [pause] We met last night [He doesn't get it] At the party?

Howard Brubaker:
Oh, sure. You're the one with... How are you?

Naomi Jackson:
Tired.

Howard Brubaker:
Me too! [Nervously laughs]

Naomi Jackson:
[Leans towards him] You want a pill?

Howard Brubaker:
What's in the pill?

Naomi Jackson:
You tell me.

Howard Brubaker:
No. Thank you. Would you get my wife... on the phone?

Naomi Jackson:
Sure. What's your name?

Howard Brubaker:
Oh, Brubaker... Howard.

Naomi Jackson:
Is that what you want me to call you?

Howard Brubaker:
Well, yeah. Or you can call me Mr. Brubaker or Howard or actually whatever you want.

Naomi Jackson:
Good. I'm used to working for swingers.

Howard Brubaker:
You don't understand. It was nothing like that. See, she's... she's a princess and I'm a frog who got changed into a prince.

Ted Gunther:
Brubaker...

Howard Brubaker:
Now I was a prince at first.

Ted Gunther:
That's enough, Brubaker...

Howard Brubaker:
But then I got changed into a frog until her kiss.

Ted Gunther:
Brubaker, you're not a frog.

Howard Brubaker:
Right.

Ted Gunther:
As cruel as that may seem in your current state, I want you to recognize that as the truth.

Howard Brubaker:
I'm not a frog now. I'm a prince. But I was a frog.

Ted Gunther:
Brubaker, repeat this simple sentence after me. "I am not now nor have I ever been a frog."

Howard Brubaker:
No.

Ted Gunther:
Repeat, Brubaker. "I am not now nor have I ever been a frog."

Howard Brubaker:
[Shakes his head and starts to leave]

Ted Gunther:
Brubaker. You need some rest. You also need to consult a doctor. Either a psychiatrist... or a veterinarian.

Ted Gunther:
Gunther's the name. Buy you a drink?

Howard Brubaker:
Any children?

Catherine Gunther:
No. My husband doesn't like children.

Howard Brubaker:
Oh?

Catherine Gunther:
He thinks their too... too childish.

Howard Brubaker:
I feel wonderful. I met a girl last night and we're going to Paris.

Potter Shrader:
What are you talking about? What about Phyllis?

Howard Brubaker:
She's not coming. I want you to handle it. That's what I wanted to see you about. Give her anything she wants... the car, the house...

Potter Shrader:
A divorce?

Howard Brubaker:
Yeah.

Catherine Gunther:
It's too late. When there's no love...

Ted Gunther:
Love? What's love got to do with it? This is the 20th century!