The Bad Boys of Saturday Night Live

Cindy:
That reminds me, I have a joke: I heard Michael Jackson went shopping at K-Mart because there was a sale! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Christy:
You messed it up, dumbbell! He went shopping at K-Mart because he heard little boys' pants were half off.

Cindy:
Mmm, these fries are good.

[Shoves handfuls in mouth]

Cindy:
Can I have some? These are good!

Lucy:
Cindy, could you leave some for us?

Christy:
Cindy, I thought you were supposed to, um, lose weight.

Cindy:
LAY OFF ME, I'M STARVING!

Announcer:
And now it's time for "The Dark Side with Nat X"! The only show on TV written by a brother, produced by a brother, and strictly for a brother. Now get ready for a man who's so black he urinates oil, cause here comes Nat!

Nat X:
Hey, brothers and sisters, welcome to "The Dark Side." I'm Nat X. The only 15 minute show on TV. Why only 15 minutes? Because if the show was any longer, The Man would have to pay me.

[on "The Chris Farley Show" with guest Jeff Daniels]

Dawn:
Hello, my name is Dawn and, uh, you remember that scene in "Arachnophobia" and you went into that barn and saw that big spider?

Jeff Daniels:
Yes.

Dawn:
And you figured out why there were all these spiders everywhere?

Jeff Daniels:
Yes, I was in that scene. I remember.

Dawn:
Yeah, well, it was great.

[on The Chris Farley Show, guest:
Jeff Daniels]

Chris Farley:
[to caller] You sound familiar. Did you call in last week when Arnold Schwarzenegger was on?

Dawn:
Yes that was me.

Chris Farley:
You remember when he asked you if you remembered when he said "I'll Be Back" in both Terminators?

Dawn:
Yeah.

Chris Farley:
That was great.

[About Dick Clark's secretary]

Roseanne:
He gets under your skin like a chigger.

Dick Clark's Secretary:
I heard that.

[on "Russell Simmons' Def Magic Show Jam"]

Magician:
You (beep)ers don't think I got a mother(beep)ing rabbit in this hat right? I know you (beep)ers wanna see a mother(beep)ing rabbit in this hat, right? You n*ggers wanna see a mother(beep)ing rabbit? 'Cause soon as I pull out this mother(beep)ing rabbit, y'all gotta kiss my mother(beep)ing ass. Abraca-(beep)ing-dabra!

[pulls rabbit out of hat]

Magician:
. See? I told ya!

Announcer:
Marcus Malone says, "That's one (beep)ed up magic show!"

Roseanne:
I have my own TV show, you know, like Bill Cosby.

Dick Clark's Secretary:
Right and he is...?

Roseanne:
A TV star like me. A TV where an electron gun sends electron particles out gray tube and they travel over the airwaves through a satellite then back down to earth in an electronic box that unscrambles them so people can sit and stare at them.

Dick Clark's Secretary:
I'm no sucker for sarcasm. I only watch PBS, you'll have to forgive me.

[David Spade and Sean Penn discuss tattoos]

David Spade:
Now one with the Chinese symbol, what's that one mean?

Sean Penn:
Not tellin' ya.

David Spade:
Montel Williams?

David Spade:
You remember where you were when JFK was assassinated?

Sean Penn:
I was three.

David Spade:
Okay, you remember where you were when WAM broke up?

Sean Penn:
I don't know, I was crying.

David Spade:
Did you see that talking pig movie?

Sean Penn:
No.

David Spade:
You didn't see The Net?

Nat X:
I'm talkin' about The Man that says if a bride wears a white wedding dress, she looks like a virgin, but if a bride wears a black wedding dress, she looks like a hooker. I'm talking about the same Man that owns a company called Black & Decker. Now I don't know what's wrong with that, I'm just mad that they used the word 'black' without my permission.

Nat X:
Now it's time for viewer mail. Sandman, come read me a letter!

Sandman:
Well, Nat, tonight's letter is from Pam Brock and she writes, 'Dear Nat, who's your favorite Christmas character?'

Nat X:
Oh that's easy. All the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names. They never let poor Rudolph play in any reindeer games. Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, he wasn't black, but he sure got treated like he was.

Nat X:
[Holds picture of Michael Jackson as a young adult] Look at this picture, Michael, what happened to this boy? Michael? Where is he? We want the old Michael, the 'A-B-C' Michael, the 'I'll Be There' Michael, we want that cute little boy back, not some Moonwalking transvestite! Now Michael I only talk about you because I care. Look at the picture! Look at you, look at me! Know why I care? Cause I'm your daddy that's why!

Opera Man:
Demi Moore-ah salaria twelve million por next movie. Four million for her acting, four million for each-a booby.

David Spade:
Michael Bolton, big star, popular musician, guess what? You're bald and we all know it. I don't care how long you grow your hair in the back but we all know what's happening on top. I know you sold nine million albums but guess what? I don't know anyone who's got one.

David Spade:
Latoya Jackson. Latoya, out of all the Jackson's, how screwed up do you have to be to be known as the crazy one?

David Spade:
Steve Martin. What about Leap of Faith? I was going to see it but I was sick that day.

David Spade:
Well I finally sat through The Bodyguard and: Iiiiiiiii-eee-iiiiiii-want my money back!

David Spade:
Macaulay Culkin. Hi. First of all, your dad's nuts. Secondly, let me tell you something kid, you're cute, you got blonde hair, everyone loves you, it's true. Here's the catch: I used to look exactly like you when I was 10. Oh yeah. This is where you're headed, buddy, welcome to hell!

Captain:
This concludes the safest part of your journey. Thank you for flying Total Bastard Airlines. We at Total Bastard Airlines are bitter about the career paths we've taken and we do tend to take that out on our passengers. We at Total Bastard Airlines realize that with travel plans, you have a choice of many airlines, so we'd like to thank you for flying the blue skies with Total Bastard.

Steward:
Buh-bye. You're very heavy.

Chris Farley:
What did you say?

Steward:
I said buh-bye! I just said buh-bye 40 times in a row why would I say anything else? It doesn't make sense! Did I just say something without knowing it? No! Go! Buh-bye!

Adam Sandler:
I'm gonna waiting for you outside in the terminal.

Steward:
That's great, buh-bye!

Adam Sandler:
No there's more, I'm gonna pound your face in.

Steward:
Okay, slick, buh-bye!

Adam Sandler:
I'M GONNA KICK THE CRAP OUTTA YOU!

Richard the Copy Guy:
Tom! Tommy! The Tomster! Tom-Man. Tom Tom!

Tom:
Hey, Richard, just making copies.

Richard the Copy Guy:
The Tomster, makin' copies! Mr. Tom! Tom-E!

Richard the Copy Guy:
Bill! Bill-ay! The billster! Bill-Man! Billy Bill Bill!

Randy:
The name is Randy!

Richard the Copy Guy:
Randy! The Randster! Only one copy for the Randman! Randy!

Richard the Copy Guy:
Sting! Stinglehopper! Makin' copies. The McStingster! Stingatola! Sting! Stingalingaling ding dong!

Sean Penn:
What do you, me, and Mickey Rourke all have in common?

David Spade:
We're all cool?

Sean Penn:
No, we all have tattoos.

David Spade:
But I don't have a tattoo.

David Spade:
Katie Couric has this tattoo. [points to a large, gruesome-looking tattoo] Don't wanna be twinsies!