The Beverly Hillbillies

Milburn Drysdale:
When I give my word, I expect you to keep it.

Jane Hathaway:
When the other little kids played hide and seek, Little Milby started his first business.

Milburn Drysdale:
Every kid had a lemonade stand.

Jane Hathaway:
He opened a pawn shop!

Jed Clampett:
Boy, I'm gonna give you 24 hours to clean up all this mess.

Jethro:
Aw come on, Uncle Jed. I'm gonna clean up. I'm gonna set this world on fire!

Jed Clampett:
You're gonna clean up alright. Everything. Or you're gonna end up with the seat of your britches on fire.

Granny:
Elly May done popped the buttons off her shirt again.

Jed Clampett:
Elly May carries herself proud with her shoulders throwed back.

Granny:
It ain't her shoulders that have been poppin' these buttons.

[repeated line]

Jed Clampett:
Well doggies!

Granny:
Vittles!

Jane Hathaway:
Now, Chief, in all fairness to the employees, you do not display much holiday spirit.

Milburn Drysdale:
What do they want from me? I gave them half a day off on Christmas!

Jane Hathaway:
If you would only display a little generosity: a Christmas bonus, a few gifts!

Milburn Drysdale:
I refuse to commercialize Christmas just to kowtow to my pampered employees.

Milburn Drysdale:
Miss Hathaway, are you responsible for the employees of this bank referring to me as Ebeneezer Scrooge?

Jane Hathaway:
No, why do you ask?

Milburn Drysdale:
When I came through the lobby just now they all chanted in unison 'Here come da Scrooge! Here come da Scrooge!

Jane Hathaway:
Most places do something for their employees at this time of year.

Milburn Drysdale:
Well, I've given them Christmas Day off.

Jane Hathaway:
Chief, most banks even give a holiday bonus.

Milburn Drysdale:
I've already thought of that.

Jane Hathaway:
You have?

Milburn Drysdale:
Just this morning I said to myself, 'Milburn, you've got to give those loyal employees of yours a Christmas bonus.'

Jane Hathaway:
But, Chief, that's extraordinary!

Milburn Drysdale:
I thought so, too. Fortunately, a cold shower brought me to my senses.

Jethro:
[Jed and Jehtro are discussing a "fast" girl back in the hills] Uncle Jed, she handed me a big old sugar cookie, looked at me and said, "Jehtro, if you had a choice between that cookie and me, which one would you take". Uncle Jed, that's when I found out just how fast she was! [Jed leans in close to hear the rest of the story] I had to run nearly a mile to get away from her with that cookie!

Jed Clampett:
[Disgusted] Jethro, some day me and you got to have a long talk.

Jed Clampett:
[Jethro has decided that he'd like to become a Bullfighter, and has asked Jed if they can get a bull, so he can practice. Jed presents the idea to Granny] Granny, I got a idea. Let's get us a bull.

Granny:
What?

Jed Clampett:
Now, hear me out. We been wantin' to have a good ol' fashioned barbecue.

Granny:
But, Jethro'll go to fightin' it!

Jed Clampett:
Not for long. 'Pears to me they ain't nothin' a man can get his fill of, faster, than scrappin' with a bull.

Granny:
Ain'tcha afraid he'll git hurt?

Jed Clampett:
Nahh. A good stout bull can take care o' hisself.

Granny:
Well, if there's one thing Jethro'd like better than fightin' it, it'd be eatin' it!

Jed Clampett:
This way, he can do both!

[to Jethro]

Granny:
And how do we do that, Mr. Sixth-Grade Graduate?

Widow Fenwick:
[buxom elderly millionaress who wants Jed to come in with her as a business partner on a real estate development venture she calls Honeymoon Lane] I need a partner who will come into Honeymoon Lane with me. I have the license, and I have the heavy equipment.

Jed Clampett:
Well, ma'am, them's the kinda things a man likes to find out fer himself.

Granny:
How do you like yer possum, Lowell, fallin' off the bones tender or with a little fight left in it?

Lowell Redlings Farquhar:
[looking slightly nauseated] I'm really not hungry.

Female Bank Robber Masquerading As "Doublenaught Spy" Recruiter:
We'll never find another... BRAIN... like his!

Male Bank Robber Also Masquerading:
He's a double-zero if I ever saw one.

Lafe Crick:
Now, no more a' this chasin' after other girls. Can't no boy love TWO girls.

Jethro:
Well, that leaves out Essie Belle. She's about two girls and a HALF!

Jed Clampett:
When Mrs. Drysdale gets home she's gonna call the PO-lice!

Jethro:
No she won't. I gnawed the stump so it'd look like a BEAVER done it!

Milburn Drysdale:
[dictating a letter to Miss Jane]... and furthermore, if you are late on your mortgage payment one more time you will be thrown out into the street...

Jane Hathaway:
Chief, she's eighty-five years old and in a wheelchair!

Milburn Drysdale:
Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know... change that to read, you will be wheeled out into the street.

Jed Clampett:
[to an obviously revolted Mr. Drysdale] That's the thing about salted down possum, it's just as good the second day.

Dub Crick:
[to his equally shiftless father Lafe Crick] I knew you'd be proud a' me... it's the most I ever stole.

Jed Clampett:
[bounces a golf ball on the kitchen table, thinking it's a "golf egg"] Strictly speakin', I don't think these are fresh laid.

Milburn Drysdale:
[Presents Jed with a gift] With my compliments.

Jed Clampett:
Well doggies! Would you look at that?... What is it?

Milburn Drysdale:
It's a genuine imported Oriental magic music maker.

Jethro Bodine:
Hot dog! A Japanese transistor radio!

[watching a depth-charge attack]

Jed Clampett:
Not a very sportin' way to *fish*!

Jed Clampett:
Howdy ma'am, I see you've come for a refill. Step right in. Granny, lady here needs some more tonic.

Countess Maria:
You know, I think I'm in love with you.

Jed Clampett:
Never mind Granny, she's had enough.

Granny:
Is she gittin' a hold of herself, Jed?

Jed Clampett:
No Granny, so fer it's mostly me.

Countess Maria:
My last husband was an earl.

Jed Clampett:
Oh, well I got a cousin that pretty near married Earl.

Countess Maria:
Really?

Jed Clampett:
Yeah, Earl Scruggs, you know him?

Daisy Moses:
Elly, you get rid of the ants. I'll start the cookin'.

Elly May Clampett:
What ants?

Daisy Moses:
Start with your aunt Pearl.

Jed Clampett:
I declare, Granny, the huntin' in these Beverly Hills is gettin' sorrier every day. Me and Duke went as far back in the brush as you could go. The only thing we flushed out was a couple of real estate agents.

Jethro Bodine:
[lighting the candles on Granny's birthday cake] This thing is commencing to look like a brush fire.

Milburn Drysdale:
What a choice, I can listen to my wife or face an ugly mob. I'll take the mob. Goodbye dear. [hangs up the phone]

Ginny Jennings:
Follow me! We'll dance the dance of defiance!

Jed Clampett:
Granny, you ever hear of that dance?

Daisy Moses:
No, but if I kin watch her for a minute or two, I'll be able to pick it up.

Daisy Moses:
They ain't no Vilma and Buddy Ebsen.

Jed Clampett:
[Jed frowns] Who?

Daisy Moses:
Jed, ain't you always told me that part of that money is mine?

Jed Clampett:
That's right, one quarter.

Daisy Moses:
One quarter? 25 cents out of all them millions?

Jed Clampett:
I mean one fourth of all I got.

Jed Clampett:
i cain't just take my money outa Mr. Drysdale's bank without a good reason.

Daisy Moses:
I'll give you plenty of reason. Has Mr. Drysdale ever took us out like Mr. Cushing done last night? Has Mr. Drysdale ever brung me a orchid? Has Mr. Drysdale ever danced with me like Mr. Cushing done?

Jed Clampett:
Well no Granny, but Mr. Drysdale's got a wife. Mr. Cushing's a single man.

Jed Clampett:
There's the best reason of all.

Daisy Moses:
Mr. Drysdale won't give me my money! He's been slippery footin' around here like a hog on ice. If you ask me, he ain't got it.

Jed Clampett:
Did you get our 45 million from Mr. Drysdale?

John Cushing:
Every cent of it. It's all safe and sound, right in the Merchants Bank.

Jed Clampett:
That's dandy. We'd like to see it... in cash.

John Cushing:
I haven't got it.

Jed Clampett:
Well Granny?

Daisy Moses:
Dogged if he didn't go through it quicker than Mr. Drysdale.

Jed Clampett:
I think we'd be better off back with him.

Jed Clampett:
You've got the money, ain't you Mr. Drysdale?

Milburn Drysdale:
Well of course, but...

Jed Clampett:
Well then go ahead and give it to her.

Milburn Drysdale:
Well all right, I'll have a check drawn up.

Daisy Moses:
Hold it right there! I don't want no check. I want my money... cash.

Milburn Drysdale:
Cash?

Daisy Moses:
Cash.

Jed Clampett:
We do favor cash.

Milburn Drysdale:
I haven't got 11 million.

Daisy Moses:
You see, I told you, he spent it!

Dean Cromwell:
[Jed is asked to give an acceptance speech upon receiving his honorary degree] You have an inspirational success story for those young people.

Milburn Drysdale:
I think just a simple thank you would be best.

Dean Cromwell:
Nonsense, we all want to hear the inspiring story of how Mr. Clampett made his fortune.

Jed Clampett:
Well, I could tell 'em that. It's short. Ya see, Granny was honin' for some gopher gravy. I went down to the slue to shoot one, but just as I cut loose, that little varmint skedaddled, and oil come a oozin' outa that slue just like sorghum out of a leaky hog trough. That's how I made my fortune.

Dean Cromwell:
Perhaps a simple thank you would be best.

Jethro Bodine:
Uncle Jed, get a hold a yourself. I got some bad news for ya.

Jed Clampett:
What is it, boy?

Jethro Bodine:
I hope this ain't gonna break your heart, but I just gotta say it.

Jethro Bodine:
Well come on, get it over with.

Jethro Bodine:
Uncle Jed, I decided I ain't gonna be a brain surgeon.

Jed Clampett:
Well I reckon I can bear up under that.

Jethro Bodine:
[explaining the plot of the movie Goldfinger] The bad guys was after Fort Knox, and if old naught naught seven hadn't taken a hand, the next time Uncle Sam needed gold, he'd a been milkin' a dry cow.

Daisy Moses:
You mean to say that you spent my vittles money on a movie?

Jethro Bodine:
Well I spent some of the money on vittles, there was boxes of popcorn, a half a dozen candy bars, and a couple of giant orange drinks.

Daisy Moses:
[to Jed] Are you gonna hickory switch him or am I?

Jethro Bodine:
Ain't nobody gonna hickory switch me.

Daisy Moses:
What did you say?

Jethro Bodine:
Double naught spies don't get switched. Pert near cut in two by death rays, handcuffed to atom bombs, have iron hats throwed at 'em, but they wouldn't hold still for switchin'.

John Cushing:
J.D. Clampett, that's Drysdale's star depositor. What is your connection with him?

Jethro Bodine:
Well, he's my... oh no, if there's any secret blabbin' to be done around here, she's gonna do it.

Mabel Slocum:
Me?

John Cushing:
What makes you think so?

Jethro Bodine:
Well Heck Fire! That's what always happens when a double naught spy tangles with a pretty girl. One kiss and she spills the beans. Watch this. [kisses Miss Slocum] J.D. Clampett is my uncle. He has pert near 50 million dollars in Mr. Drysdale's bank. My cousin Elly May commenced workin' there today.

John Cushing:
Well that's very interesting. [nods to Miss Slocum]

Mabel Slocum:
[Miss Slocum kisses Jethro again] What else can you tell us?

Jethro Bodine:
You keep kissin', I'll think of somethin'.

Jed Clampett:
You one of them double naught spies?

Mabel Slocum:
No.

Jethro Bodine:
They number girl spies different. She's what you call a 36-23-36.

Mabel Slocum:
Actually, I'm in new accounts at the Merchants Bank. I'd like to talk to you about using our facilities as a repository for some of your enormous reserves.

Jed Clampett:
Well I'll be glad to talk to you about that a whatever it means.

Cousin Pearl Bodine:
Jethrine, why couldn't you have been born with some of my brains instead of just my beauty?

Milburn Drysdale:
Well, how are you and Elly May Clampett getting along?

Sonny Drysdale:
Marvelously. She's mad about me.

Milburn Drysdale:
Oh? How do you feel?

Sonny Drysdale:
The same.

Milburn Drysdale:
Really?

Sonny Drysdale:
I'm mad about me, too.

Granny:
When I was a girl back in Tennessee, I set so many boys hearts on fire, that they took to callin' that neck of the woods... the Smoky Mountains.

Granny:
We sure would be proud to have y'all come and take Thanksgiving vittles with us.

Mrs. Margaret Drysdale:
Sonny and I wouldn't think...

Milburn Drysdale:
...of passing up an invitation like that. We'll be there.

Jethro Bodine:
[from the top of the stairs] Hey Uncle Jed, there's a whole 'nother house up here!

Jed Clampett:
Jethro, come down from there. That probably belongs to someone else.

Jane Hathaway:
[inquiring after Jethro's Oxford credentials] Is Jethro an Eaton man?

Jed Clampett:
Knowin' Jethro, I think he went ta eatin' as soon as he was born.

Justin Addison:
Madam, you have my assurance there will be no precipitation tonight.

Daisy Moses:
Maybe not, but there's gonna be a whole slew of rain.

Jed Clampett:
You hadn't ought to yell at him, he's a government man.

Daisy Moses:
Fine government man you are. Ha! I bet you can't even find my still.

Jane Hathaway:
What precipitated the altercation?

Jed Clampett:
Well uh, huh? [Jed looks confused]

Milburn Drysdale:
What are they fighting about?

Jed Clampett:
Oh, well, they can't seem to agree about the weather.

Justin Addison:
Did you say Granny?

Jed Clampett:
Her name is Daisy.

Justin Addison:
You mean Hurricane Daisy?

Jed Clampett:
That's the one.

Justin Addison:
Yes she is beginning to give us trouble. We just started tracking her.

Jed Clampett:
I was afraid of that. Couldn't you just forget about her? She ain't doin' no harm.

Justin Addison:
Not now perhaps, but if she ever moves north, there's no estimating the damage she might do.

Jed Clampett:
I think I can promise you she ain't gonna move north.

Justin Addison:
Please believe me Mr. Clampett. Daisy is a violent destructive force. She's unpredictable. She's dangerous.

Jed Clampett:
I grant you all that Mr. Addison, but she's still my mother in law.

Jed Clampett:
You hadn't ought to be ashamed of your Pa.

Justin Addison:
Ashamed of him? Why Dad was an MIT PHD.

Jed Clampett:
You don't need to spell it out, I heard ugly words before.

Justin Addison:
Today, we no longer have to rely on such things as prognosticating beetles.

Daisy Moses:
Don't you call my beetles whatever it is you just called them!

Jed Clampett:
[watching a film of a rocket launch for a weather satellite] I ain't seen nothing like that since the time your still blew up.

Jed Clampett:
Duke, I know it's askin' a heap, but if you can pull yer eyes open fer a minute, yonder is somethin' you don't see every day, a girl playin' ball... with a monkey... and a bobcat watchin'. [Duke looks up and then goes back to sleep] Sorry old timer, I reckon what you was dreamin' had it beat.

Jed Clampett:
This here is Jed Clampett. Are you the weatherman?

Justin Addison:
I am the supervisor of meteorological observations for this area.

Jed Clampett:
Oh well, I was wantin' the weatherman.

Justin Addison:
Your speaking to him. I am Justin Addison.

Jed Clampett:
Well shucks, don't feel bad about that, I'm just a Clampett.

Daisy Moses:
So, you've been wantin' to meet me have you?

Clifton Cavanaugh:
Yes, and now that I have... Au revoir. [heads for the door]

Daisy Moses:
HEY! that's the wrong way! The parlor's in here!

Daisy Moses:
[about champagne] It beats me how anybody can get juiced on that sody pop! Ain't got no wallop at all!

Jed Clampett:
You know the Sibley sodbuster do you?

Phyllis:
Oh no, but I'll learn, and I'm going to show you a few things along the way. [dances suggestively around Jed]

Jed Clampett:
Dogged if that ain't got the Sibley sodbuster backed right off the floor.

Jane Hathaway:
[wearing a blonde wig] Jethro, I have found that the intellectual approach has a limited appeal, romantically speaking, so I have decided to become a glamor girl. What do you think of the idea?

Jethro Bodine:
Well I think it's swell.

Jane Hathaway:
Thank you.

Jethro Bodine:
When you gonna start?

Daisy Moses:
She's from one of those fur'n nations.

Jed Clampett:
Which one?

Daisy Moses:
Minneapolis... Wisconsin.

Homer Winch:
Say, how about going on a little sleigh ride?

Daisy Moses:
You promise to behave?

Homer Winch:
Sure I do!

Daisy Moses:
[disgusted] Well, we might as well stay here and sing.

Miss Swenson:
Miss Jane Hathaway.

Lawrence Chapman:
Never heard of her.

Miss Swenson:
She's with the Commerce Bank.

Lawrence Chapman:
Never heard of her.

Miss Swenson:
They represent the new owner of the studio.

Lawrence Chapman:
[takes the phone] Hello Janie baby.

Jane Hathaway:
[admiring Jethro] That boy is like a magnificent lighthouse - tall, strong, and sturdy. If only his beacon weren't so dim.

Jed Clampett:
Well, generally a man is ashamed to be known as a home wrecker, but that rascal's got it wrote right across his back!

Jed Clampett:
You ain't heard it all. He gets paid for bustin' up homes!

Daisy Moses:
Ain't there no limit to what these city folks will do for a dollar?

Jed Clampett:
I'm tellin' you Granny, you don't have to worry no more about Pearl comin' in your kitchen. She's gonna be spendin' her time gittin' herself a husband with her singin' and yodelin'.

Daisy Moses:
Jed, it ain't legal to torture a man into marryin' you.

Mrs. Margaret Drysdale:
Listen, to get these peasants to move, I'd dance the Watusi with a keg of nitroglycerin.

Jethro Bodine:
That was Mrs. Drysdale. She says that she's gonna throw Granny's soap kettle into the ceement pond. Let's go watch the fun, Elly.

Elly May Clampett:
Pa come quick! Granny's sinkin' fast!

Jed Clampett:
What?

Elly May Clampett:
She's took to bed with double pneumonie and pond water poisonin'!

Jed Clampett:
Why she never even got good and wet afore I got her outa that pond.

Elly May Clampett:
Well come on Pa, she's about to breathe her last!

Jed Clampett:
Granny's just tryin' to get back at me fer spoilin' her scrap with Mrs. Drysdale.

Jed Clampett:
[Granny gets riled up upon hearing that Mrs. Drysdale is downstairs] Lay back down, you're dyin'.

Daisy Moses:
I'm dyin' to belt her one.

Mrs. Margaret Drysdale:
Have you guessed what it is I've been trying to tell you?

Jed Clampett:
No Ma'am.

Mrs. Margaret Drysdale:
Can't you tell just by looking at me?

Jed Clampett:
'Fraid not.

Mrs. Margaret Drysdale:
Then I must tell you. This burden is more than I can carry alone. It weighs too heavily on me. I can hide it no longer. I'm infatuated.

Jed Clampett:
Well shucks Ma'am. If that's all that's been botherin' you, ferget it. You're just pleasingly plump.

Mrs. Margaret Drysdale:
I'd feel much better if you could put your arm around me.

Jed Clampett:
Mrs. Drysdale, I could put my arm around you and have half of it left over. You've got to stop worryin' 'bout bein' fat.

Mrs. Margaret Drysdale:
Jed, I've been trying to tell you something in a subtle manner and I'm getting nowhere with it. Very well, I'll show you how I feel. [Mrs. Drysdale sits on Jed's lap] Now do you know what I've been talking about.

Jed Clampett:
I do for a fact. Your plumb shuttin' off the blood to my leg.

Jethrine Bodine:
[Granny and Cousin Pearl disagreeing over who is going to cook in the kitchen] Hey, Uncle Jed. Come on back. There's gonna be a fight.

Cousin Pearl Bodine:
Oh, I don't fight nobody twice my age.

Daisy Moses:
There ain't nobody twice your age!

Cousin Pearl Bodine:
I happen to be on the sunny side of 45. [slaps table]

Daisy Moses:
Well, then move over into the shade. You're drying up something awful.

Cousin Pearl Bodine:
I've got Clampett blood in my veins.

Granny:
You wanna keep it there, you stay outta my kitchen.

Jed Clampett:
I'd rather be caught twixt a pair of scrappin' bobcats than two women tryin' to run the same house.

Cousin Pearl Bodine:
I just hope and pray when I get to be her age that somebody will be lookin' after me.

Granny:
You can quit hopin' and prayin'... and if you keep messin' around with my kitchen, you ain't gonna git to be my age.

Cousin Pearl Bodine:
Jethro, why don't you try usin' your head for thinkin'?

Jethro Bodine:
I HAVE tried Ma, and it hurts.

Jethrine Bodine:
Ma can cook anywhere.

Granny:
Lets see her cook where I'm gonna... [Granny pushes Cousin Pearl into the ceement pond]

Jed Clampett:
I love you both equal an it'd pleasure me if you'd shake hands.

Jethro Bodine:
And come out fightin'.

Cousin Pearl Bodine:
[Pearl is doing the ironing in the kitchen while Jethrine is walking towards the door holding Granny's rocking chair] Where are you going with that, Jethrine?

Jethrine Bodine:
Outside.

Cousin Pearl Bodine:
I told you to take it up to Granny's bedroom.

Jethrine Bodine:
And Granny told me to take it outside.

Cousin Pearl Bodine:
Your taking your orders from me and not from Granny. That old woman is old and tired and we owe it to her to let her rest. Now, just hope and pray that when I get to be her age, that somebody will be looking after me.

Granny:
[Granny enters the kitchen without Pearl knowing and taps Pearl's shoulder] You can quit hoping and praying! And if you don't stop messing around my kitchen you ain't gonna get to get to be my age!

Jethro:
Come on back, Uncle Jed! There's going to be a fight.

Cousin Pearl Bodine:
Oh, I don't fight nobody twice my age!

Granny:
There ain't nobody twice your age!

Cousin Pearl Bodine:
I happen to be on the sunny side of forty-five!

Granny:
Well, move into the shade 'cause your dryin' up something awful!

Colonel Blake:
Jethro,fortunately we take into consideration the amount of formal education a boy has had, and we grade on the curve, so you are eligible to join.

Jethro Bodine:
Hey, that's swell!

Colonel Blake:
However, before I administer the oath, there are a couple of things I'd like to discuss with you.

Jethro Bodine:
Yes, sir?

Colonel Blake:
Now, let's take your application, you're going to be filling out a lot of other forms and I want to give you a tip.

Jethro Bodine:
Thank ya!

Colonel Blake:
Name, address, date of birth, that's okay, but Jethro, where it says sex: write 'male', not 'oh, boy!'

Jethro Bodine:
[Embarrassed] I'm sorry.

Jed Clampett:
We ain't shootin' at the board, Granny. We is fixin' to drive them nails stickin' in it.

Daisy Moses:
I still say that ain't hill country shootin'.

Jed Clampett:
Granny's right, boy. See that rock over on the left.

Jethro Bodine:
Yes sir.

Jed Clampett:
Let's ricochet off that and then drive the nails.

Jed Clampett:
When I said that we had come to see Mrs. Drysdale, this woman said Mrs. Drysdale ain't havin' no visitors. So I says, "I reckon she's lonely, I'm glad we come."

Jed Clampett:
[about Johnny Poke] That boy tramples on the truth worse than he did back home. He was such a liar then, he used to have to get somebody else to call his dog fer him.

Jed Clampett:
[about Johnny Poke] The boy used to lay around the cabin so much, his Ma had to dust him.

Emaline Fetty:
The goo in the slew gets mainly in your shoe.

Jed Clampett:
[checking the Map to Movie Star Homes] Let's see who they got here... Joan Crawford... Marlene Dietrich... Greta Garbo

Daisy Moses:
Cain't ya find any famous ones?

Jed Clampett:
[Elly May calls her chimp Cousin Bessie] You hadn't ought to call that critter cousin, Elly.

Elly May Clampett:
But why not?

Jed Clampett:
Well you see, Jethro's your cousin and that puts Jethro and her in the same... well, never mind. I reckon i just gotta get used to bein' a monkey's uncle.

Mr. Pinckney:
I shall fight you in the drawing room, I shall fight you in the bed chambers, I shall fight you in the kitchen, and I shall so bear myself that if Arthur Pinckney and his fame last for a thousand years, men will still say, This was his finest hour.

Mr. Pinckney:
Might I have a spot of tea?

Jane Hathaway:
Yes of course, what would you like with it?

Mr. Pinckney:
Ticket to London.

Jane Hathaway:
You were only with the Clampetts a day and a night.

Milburn Drysdale:
Yes, they gave you a lovely room and fed you.

Mr. Pinckney:
Fed Me? Sir, have you ever partaken of the curious substances which Granny so quaintly calls "vittles"?

Mr. Pinckney:
This is outrageous, placing me at the mercy of a kangaroo court.

Milburn Drysdale:
Relax, here's a tranquilizer for you. [hands Mr. Pinckney a check for $1000]

Daisy Moses:
Jed, turn him loose, give a 200 foot start. I'll load my shotgun with rock salt and bacon rind and season his hind quarters for him.

Milburn Drysdale:
I would like to say that I know Arthur Pinckney to be a man of good character, and I will vouch for him.

Jane Hathaway:
I too know Arthur Pinckney, and he is a man of unimpeachable integrity, impeccable demeanor, and irrefutable probity. Thank you.

Jed Clampett:
Well that's one fer and one against.

Mr. Pinckney:
I'd like to prepare for you a gourmet dinner.

Daisy Moses:
What do ya reckon a gourmet is?

Jed Clampett:
I dunno, but if he fries it good in lard, I reckon we can eat it.

Milburn Drysdale:
Your honor, Judge Clampett.

Jed Clampett:
Ah Mr. Drysdale, strictly speakin', I ain't a judge. I'm just here to see this trial is kept fair and square and to keep Granny from shootin' that rent-skippin, sign-stealin, chicken thief.

Elly May Clampett:
I hope that soup we throwed out the winda don't kill the flowers.

Daisy Moses:
How can anybody eat soup made outa turtles?

Jed Clampett:
Pitiful

Jethro Bodine:
And that thing he called Welsh Rabbit, didn't have no rabbit in it at all, just a lot of doggone melted cheese!

Jed Clampett:
Wasn't too bad after Granny dumped the grits in it.

Daisy Moses:
What was it he called that big crawdad?

Elly May Clampett:
That was Lobster Thermidor.

Jethro Bodine:
That didn't taste bad neither once we poured hot gopher gravy over it.

Milburn Drysdale:
How are things at the Clampetts?

Mr. Pinckney:
Mr. Drysdale, sir, in my 40 years as a butler, I have served in some unique households and run athwart some bizarre families, but the Clampetts, sir, if I may use one of their own curious expressions, take the rag off the bush.

Milburn Drysdale:
Well now, I warned you it wouldn't exactly be smooth sailing.

Mr. Pinckney:
To be precise, sir, you said you could only promise me blood, sweat, tears, and money.

Milburn Drysdale:
Right.

Mr. Pinckney:
I've had the blood, sweat, and tears, now I should like the money.

Jane Hathaway:
You're leaving the Clampetts?

Mr. Pinckney:
I'm leaving the country.

Milburn Drysdale:
But you've got to stay with them, you're our cultural beachhead!

Mr. Pinckney:
Consider me another Dunkirk.

Jethro Bodine:
Uncle Jed, Granny, Looky here what I got. I just captured me the first prisoner.

Jed Clampett:
Turn her loose!

Jethro Bodine:
But she's one of the bank people! Maybe she can get our money for us.

Granny:
Can you?

Janet Trego:
No I can't!

Jane Hathaway:
I can Jethro, capture me!

Jed Clampett:
Yonder comes Mrs. Drysdale and she's fetchin a present. [Mrs. Drysdale arrives with a baby goat] Good mornin' Mrs. Drysdale.

Mrs. Margaret Drysdale:
Will you please take this animal and keep it here!

Jed Clampett:
Well thank you very kindly.

Mrs. Margaret Drysdale:
And will you please tell Elly May we have a pet ordinance!

Jed Clampett:
Oh I'd rather not, she'll be wantin' one.

Milburn Drysdale:
Measure him up for a vestito nuovo [new suit] .

Italian Tailor:
Oh si, si. [starts measuring Jed]

Jed Clampett:
Little man, if you fixin' to tie me up, that ain't enough rope and you ain't enough man.

Milburn Drysdale:
Now, on your way home, if you see anything you want for Christmas, just pick it up and charge it to me.

Jethro Bodine:
Hot diggety dog! [Jethro and Elly May leave then Jethro returns carrying Janet Trego] Come on Uncle Jed! I done picked out my present.

Doctor Eugene Twombly:
[trying to settle Jed down] You don't understand. I'm a psychiatrist.

Jed Clampett:
Well, I'd try to get cured of that, if I was you.

Elly May Clampett:
He said I got a way with critters.

Granny:
You better git away with this one before your Pa sees it.

Jed Clampett:
My cousin Pearl tells me she had no more than said "Howdy" and you commenced pullin' her to the settee.

Jed Clampett:
I reckon cousin Pearl can look after herself, but I got a daughter, Elly May, an' I catch you makin' one move in her direction, you're gonna find yourself weighin' about three bullets heavier.

Jed Clampett:
[remembering a time Granny broke her hip on the ice] The poor woman was limpin' fer two days.

Cousin Pearl Bodine:
Jethro, tell your Uncle Jed why there ain't no snow in California.

Jethro:
Don't look at me, I didn't take it!

Jed Clampett:
What do you think Pearl? You think I oughta move?

Cousin Pearl Bodine:
Jed, how can you even ask? Look around you. You live eight miles from your nearest neighbor. You're overrun with skunks, possums, coyotes, and bobcats. You use kerosene lamps for light. You cook on a wood stove, summer and winter. You're drinkin' homemade moonshine, and washin' with homemade lye soap. And your bathroom is fifty feet from the house. And you ask should you move!?

Jed Clampett:
[ponders all this] Yeah, I reckon you're right. Man'd be a dang fool to leave all this.

[first lines]

Jed Clampett:
Well, come on. Let's find that house we bought.

Narrator:
House they bought? In Beverly Hills? Whoa, hold on, wait a minute! How could a bunch of hillbillies possibly buy a mansion like this? Let's take them back to their home and see how the whole thing started.

Daisy Moses:
Well, the first thing to do is get her into a dress. She's gettin' too old to be wearin' a man's duds. Lookee here - she done popped the buttons off her shirt again.

Jed Clampett:
Well, Elly May carries herself proud... with her shoulders thrown back.

Daisy Moses:
It ain't her shoulders that's poppin' these buttons.

Daisy Moses:
She oughta be doin' women's work - helpin' me with the still.

Geologist:
Mr. Clampett, you're a very rich man!

Jed Clampett:
How big a rock did you bean him with?

Elly May Clampett:
No bigger than a hedge apple.

Cousin Pearl Bodine:
Jethro, I told you to get rid of them worn-out brakes.

Jethro:
I did Ma. That's how come we ain't got none.

Jed Clampett:
I know it don't sound like much, but Mr. Brewster seemed to set great store by the fact he's going to pay me in some new kind of dollar.

Cousin Pearl Bodine:
There ain't no new kind of dollar.

Jed Clampett:
Well it was new to me. I've heard of gold dollars, silver dollars, paper dollars, but he said he's gonna pay me in a... what'd he call them, Granny?

Granny:
Million dollars.

Jed Clampett:
[while asking about Beverly Hills] Is 'Tom Mix there?

John Brewster:
No, I'm afraid Tom Mix is dead.

Jed Clampett:
Oh yeah, what's the matter with me. Remember Pearl, he got shot at the end of that picture.

Granny:
That there fella's from the peetroleum company.

Jed Clampett:
What's a peetroleum?

Granny:
I dunno. He asked me if he could do some wildcattin' down by the slue. I said "Help yerself, we're glad to get rid of the critters"

Milburn Drysdale:
We want you to know how happy we are to have you, your handsome nephew, your lovely daughter, and your beautiful money er mother.

Jethro Bodine:
[as Leo Durocher is about to hit a golf ball] Whomp it Mr. Durocher!

Jed Clampett:
I'll need about 5 minutes with Mr. Drysdale. You wanna come up and visit with Miss Jane?

Jethro Bodine:
No thanks Uncle Jed. She always looks at me so funny. Kind a like a...

Jed Clampett:
...hungry hound lookin' in a butcher's window?

Milburn Drysdale:
I have a feeling that Granny's conjure is going to get action this time.

Jed Clampett:
Oh, it's got action before. I remember one time back home, it brought every fella within 5 miles a runnin'.

Milburn Drysdale:
Really?

Jed Clampett:
Yep. She set the cabin on fire.

Jed Clampett:
Miss Jane got herself a fella.

Daisy Moses:
I ain't conjurin' for Miss Jane. I'm conjurin' for my old maid granddaughter. I aim to see her married before she's all wasted away!

Jed Clampett:
Elly could waste away a good bit and still be ahead of Miss Jane.

Jane Hathaway:
Jethro, Jethro, what's going on?

Jethro Bodine:
I'm courtin' you. I cain't eat or sleep without you.

Jane Hathaway:
Oh no, no.

Jethro Bodine:
That's the truth. Granny won't feed me or make my bed.

Jed Clampett:
[On Eb's intelligence, or lack thereof] Eb's a nice young feller, but if brains was lard, he wouldn't grease too big a pan.

Dr. Martin:
[the critter doctor gives Elly May a baby bobcat] I hope your Granny won't mind, he's still a little wild.

Elly May Clampett:
Oh I can tame him.

Dr. Martin:
I'm sure you can, but what about Granny?

Elly May Clampett:
Well ain't nobody can tame her.

Daisy Moses:
Crazy family, murdering grandmother, bloodthirsty ghost!

Daisy Moses:
[wearing a mini skirt] No 400 year old ghost will mistake me for a grandmother in this.

Jane Hathaway:
Chief, what exploded?

Milburn Drysdale:
Granny!

Jane Hathaway:
She has a gun?

Milburn Drysdale:
She has a cannon!

Milburn Drysdale:
Granny's hiding in a mini skirt, I'll scare her out of it.

Harry Sledge:
Oh, and somebody sign this for me please. [Elly's chimp signs] I don't think the company would accept your signature. [Elly's chimp pulls out a gun]

Milburn Drysdale:
J. D. Clampett thinks a market is just a place to buy "vittles".

Mr. Fleming Pendleton:
Make a note of that. Vittles, common or preferred?

Milburn Drysdale:
Miss Hathaway, cooks I can get by the dozen, depositors with 40 million dollars are not so easy to come by.

Mr. Fleming Pendleton:
4 tin cans from Pearl?

John Lucus:
4 destroyers from Pearl Harbor.

Jed Clampett:
You know somethin' Granny, these newspapers that Pearl uses for packin' and wrappin' is just about my favorite part of them packages from home.

Granny:
What's new, Jed? Anything excitin'?

Jed Clampett:
You bet. Look at that headline, "Government Puts 3 Men on Moon".

Granny:
No!

Jed Clampett:
Yep. Says right here, 3 government men have been put on the job of findin' local still and cuttin' off the supply of moon bein' made hereabouts.

John Wayne:
Give me a fifth of bourbon - that'll square it.

Jane Hathaway:
Well in that case, there's only one solution. We'll have to get someone to do the work for Granny.

Milburn Drysdale:
Now you're talking. Grab a scrub bucket and get over there.

Jane Hathaway:
Chief!

Milburn Drysdale:
Well you know Granny doesn't like strangers around.

Jane Hathaway:
Chief, I am a highly skilled executive secretary, I'm not paid to do housework.

Milburn Drysdale:
Yes, you're right. OK, while you're there, you'll be on half salary.

Granny:
They'll just find my bleached bones out on the desert, where I died from hunger and thirst... [goes back to fetch her jug] well, hunger anyway.

Elly May Clampett:
Quick Pa, let's skedaddle! Granny's started spring house cleanin' and she's done caught Jethro.

Granny:
Elly May, get these varmints outa here!

Elly May Clampett:
But Granny, they ain't varmints, they is my critters!

Granny:
I don't care if they is your cousins, git em outa my kitchen before I make stew outa them!

Granny:
[after Granny ran a foot race against Elly May] Who won Jed?

Jed Clampett:
Well when you passed me, appears like Elly was out in front of you a little.

Granny:
That don't mean nothin'! She's out in front of me standing still.

Daisy Moses:
How long you been married Mr. Drysdale?

Milburn Drysdale:
Twenty years.

Daisy Moses:
Ah, ain't that wonderful. They've had twenty years of happiness.

Milburn Drysdale:
No, we had twenty-five years of happiness - then we got married.

Jed Clampett:
So, you called Elverna?

Shorty Kellems:
Yep. I told her I heard about her fixin' up the hotel and I asked her if she'd sell the hotel to me.

Shad:
What did she say?

Shorty Kellems:
She said, no she wouldn't. She said business was good and the hotel was full of traveling salesmen. Then I asked her if it was true she had won a beauty contest. She said it was.

Jed Clampett:
See?

Shorty Kellems:
Then I offered her a $200 profit and she still said no. So, we got to dickering back and forth and forth to back and finally she said to me, "Shorty Kellams" she said, "The only way you'll ever get your hands on this hotel again is if you marry me."

Shad:
What did you say Shorty?

Shorty Kellems:
Shad, I thought it over for a minute. Then I hit her with them three little words: Kiss my foot!

Shorty Kellems:
[to Jed and Shad] Let's play checkers.

Granny, "How do you feel about getting married, settling down, and raising a family?"

Sonny Drysdale, "I find the notion completely repugnant."

Jed told granny that late crick was such a liar,he had to get someone else to call his dog.

Jed:
(talking about Jethro) One of these days I'm going to have to have a LONGGGGGGGG Talk with that boy!!!

Someone invited Jethro to eat lunch at McDonald's to which he replied:
"McDonald's? I can go there! I don't know them people!!"