The Big C

Adam Jamison:
I'm not a f***ing child!

Cathy Jamison:
Do NOT say "f***ing!"

Joy Kleinman:
Helloooo voyagers!

Jesse:
Helloooo voyagers!

Marlene:
Dear Cathy, I wanted to say thank you for being my friend, people don't say that often enough. When I first met you I couldn't believe what a pain you were. But then I got to know you, you were still a pain, but you got to be like family to me, so thanks for that. So listen I know you're sick and all, but you got to pull your head out of your ass. You have a family that loves you. They want to take care of you, so let them. Adam's a good kid, be nice to him. Tell him I'm sorry and look out for Thomas, okay, he likes you. It was time for me to go, I'm looney tunes, you're not. Don't screw up what you have left. Go places, buy crap you want, don't be afraid. When it's really your time to go, I'll be waiting for you, but until then, live your life as hard as you can. That's it, that's all I wanted to say. Well, Marlene

Cathy Jamison:
[angrily] You are a b*tch.

Joy Kleinman:
[smugly] Sometimes.

Sean Tolkey:
[to Cathy] I'm disowning you as my sister. From now on, we're just neighbors, and good fences make great f***ing neighbors.

Cathy Jamison:
[to her neighbor's dog] Wanna see my b*obs? No one else seems to care.

Cathy Jamison:
You can't be fat and mean, Andrea.

Andrea Jackson:
What?

Cathy Jamison:
You heard me. If you're gonna dish it out, you gotta be able to look it up. Fat people are jolly for a reason. Fat repels people. Jolly attracts them. I know everyone is laughing at you're joke, but no one's inviting you to the prom. So, you can either be fat and jolly or a skinny b*tch.

Cathy Jamison:
[to her husband, Paul] It's hard not to treat you like a child when every time I make a sandwich you ask me to cut the crusts off your bread.

Cathy Jamison:
[to her son, Adam] From now on, I'm going to raise you so hard your head is going to spin.

Cathy Jamison:
I want you think of every one these you smoke as taking six months off of your life.

Andrea Jackson:
You know what, I'd rather be skinny and die young than be fat forever. What can I say? Fat camp didn't work for me.

Cathy Jamison:
Yeah, well, there's gotta be other options.

Andrea Jackson:
The blood sugar diet. The protein diet. The starvation diet. The pretending that I don't care strategy. You know what? You would be mean too.

Cathy Jamison:
You just need more patience.

Andrea Jackson:
[sarcastically] Oh, I'm healed! Thanks, Mrs. Jamison. I should've come to you sooner.

Cathy Jamison:
I'll pay you a 100 bucks for every pound you lose. Here. Here's a good faith...

Cathy Jamison:
[pulls out money] $23. We meet in the gym every Friday at 2:00 for weigh-ins. If you smell like a cigarette, the deal is off.

Andrea Jackson:
This skinny b*tch will see you on Friday then.

Cathy Jamison:
If you were ready to go, did you ever think about just going?

Marlene:
Think about it all the time, but I just keep waking up.

Cathy Jamison:
Oh, I'm gonna burn my couch in the backyard on Friday if you want come over for a bonfire.

Sean Tolkey:
Starting to get your weird back, sis.

Cathy Jamison:
You have no idea.

Cathy Jamison:
You can't be fat and mean, Andrea.

Andrea Jackson:
What?

Cathy Jamison:
You heard me. If you're going to dish it out, you gotta be able to lick it up. Fat people are jolly for a reason. Fat repels people, but joy attracts them. Now, I know everyone's laughing at your cruel jokes, but nobody is inviting you to the prom, so you can either be fat and jolly, or a skinny b*tch. It's up to you.

Cathy Jamison:
I just saw my brother's penis. Somebody shoot me in the eye.

Marlene:
You can't just walk into my house!

Cathy Jamison:
You have no idea what I can do!

Marlene:
You're a pain in the ass!

Cathy Jamison:
You're a f***ing c*nt!

Marlene:
GET OUT!

Sean Tolkey:
[to Cathy, urging her to eat the last bite of a hamburger, which she is having trouble doing] Swallow. Swallow. Swallow? Are you a swallower?

Sean Tolkey:
[thinking about it] Don't answer that question.

Dr. Todd Mauer:
Cancer is the only illness that all patients think they're being punished.

Cathy Jamison:
I'm going out ugly.

Cathy Jamison:
I don't know what to do about Dad.

Sean Tolkey:
F*** Dad.

Cathy Jamison:
It's like an automated response with you.

Sean Tolkey:
F***, yeah. A**hole.

Cathy Jamison:
I need to call him.

Sean Tolkey:
F*** him!

Cathy Jamison:
We haven't even talked to him since we went to his house last year and told him off. I mean, he doesn't even know I'm sick.

Sean Tolkey:
He's not even an a**hole. He's the whole ass.

Sean Tolkey:
Holy f***, Ray. If your head's that far up your ass, you should be able to kiss your kidney goodbye on its way out.

Adam Jamison:
Okay, I said you could use my laptop, not read out loud from it.

Sean Tolkey:
I'm in crisis mode, my boy. I got to school my kidney on the lefty world before it ends up embedded in a right-wing a**hole.

Sean Tolkey:
Hey, uh, do me a favor. Pull my ass.

Adam Jamison:
No.

Cathy Jamison:
Adam will be with you the whole time in the hospital. You'll do great.

Sean Tolkey:
Unless I die on the table.

Andrea Jackson:
Say something fast so those aren't your last words.

Sean Tolkey:
Oh... Gloria Steinem's tits.

Sean Tolkey:
It's more important you die than he live.

[dumps her mother's ashes in the river]

Cathy Jamison:
Bon voyage, Mom. First-Class trip down the Mississippi.

Sean Tolkey:
She'll be in New Orleans by Monday. Covered in British oil.

Cathy Jamison:
[to Sean] I thought you were passing the p*ssy.

Cathy Jamison:
[to Sean] I thought you were off p*ssy.