The Big Lebowski

Jeffrey "The Dude" Lebowski:
Well, sir, it's this rug I had. It really tied the room together.

Jeffrey "The Dude" Lebowski:
Look, let me explain something to you. I'm not Mr. Lebowski. You're Mr. Lebowski. I'm the Dude. So that's what you call me. That, or His Dudeness … Duder … or El Duderino, if, you know, you're not into the whole brevity thing.

Jeffrey "The Dude" Lebowski:
This is a very complicated case, Maude. You know, a lotta ins, lotta outs, lotta what-have-you's. And, uh, lotta strands to keep in my head, man. Lotta strands in old Duder's head. Luckily I'm adhering to a pretty strict, uh, drug regimen to keep my mind, you know, limber.

Jeffrey "The Dude" Lebowski:
Careful, man, there's a beverage here!

Jeffrey "The Dude" Lebowski:
Oh boy, how you gonna keep 'em down on the farm once they've seen Karl Hungus.

Walter Sobchak:
Nihilists! F*** me. I mean, say what you want about the tenets of National Socialism, Dude, at least it's an ethos.

Walter Sobchak:
Do you see what happens, Larry? Do you see what happens when you f*** a stranger in the ass?! [Proceeds to smash up what he wrongly believes is Larry's new Corvette] This is what happens, Larry! This is what happens when you f*** a stranger in the ass!

Walter Sobchak:
F*** it, Dude. Let's go bowling.

Walter Sobchak:
Life does not start and stop at your convenience, you miserable piece of sh*t!

Walter Sobchak:
Shut the f*** up, Donny.

Walter Sobchak:
Is this your homework, Larry?

Jesus Quintana:
What's this day of rest sh*t? What's this bullshit? I don't f***in' care! It don't matter to Jesus. But you're not foolin' me, man. You might fool the f***s in the league office, but you don't fool Jesus. This Bush-league psyche-out stuff. Laughable, man - ha ha! I would have f***ed you in the ass Saturday. I f*** you in the ass next Wednesday instead. Wooo! You got a date Wednesday, baby!

The Dude:
Nobody calls me Lebowski. You got the wrong guy. I'm the Dude, man.

Blond Treehorn Thug:
Your name's Lebowski, Lebowski. Your wife is Bunny.

The Dude:
My … my wi- my wife, Bunny? Do you see a wedding ring on my finger? Does this place look like I'm f***ing married? The toilet seat's up, man!

The Dude:
Walter, what is the point? Look, we all know who is at fault here, what the f*** are you talking about?

Walter Sobchak:
Huh? No, what the f*** are you … I'm not … we're talking about unchecked aggression here, dude.

Donny:
What the f*** is he talking about?

The Dude:
My rug.

Walter Sobchak:
Forget it, Donny, you're out of your element!

The Dude:
Walter, the Chinaman who peed on my rug, I can't go give him a bill, so what the f*** are you talking about?

Walter Sobchak:
What the f*** are you talking about? The Chinaman is not the issue here, Dude. I'm talking about drawing a line in the sand, Dude. Across this line, you do not … also, Dude, "Chinaman" is not the preferred nomenclature. Asian-American, please.

The Dude:
Walter, this isn't a guy who built the railroads here. This is a guy …

Walter Sobchak:
What the f*** are you…?

The Dude:
Walter, he peed on my rug!

Donny:
He peed on the Dude's rug.

Walter Sobchak:
Donny, you're out of your element! Dude, the Chinaman is not the issue here!

Walter Sobchak:
Over the line!

Smokey:
Huh?

Walter Sobchak:
I'm sorry, Smokey. You were over the line, that's a foul.

Smokey:
Bullshit. Mark it 8, Dude.

Walter Sobchak:
Uh, excuse me. Mark it zero. Next frame.

Smokey:
Bullshit, Walter. Mark it 8, Dude.

Walter Sobchak:
Smokey, this is not 'Nam. This is bowling. There are rules.

The Dude:
Walter, ya know, it's Smokey. So his toe slipped over the line a little, big deal. It's just a game, man.

Walter Sobchak:
Dude, this is a league game, this determines who enters the next round robin. Am I wrong? Am I wrong?

Smokey:
Yeah, but I wasn't over. Gimme the marker Dude, I'm marking it 8.

Walter Sobchak:
[pulls out a gun] Smokey, my friend, you are entering a world of pain.

The Dude:
Walter …

Walter Sobchak:
You mark that frame an 8, and you're entering a world of pain.

Smokey:
I'm not …

Walter Sobchak:
A world of pain.

Smokey:
Dude, he's your partner …

Walter Sobchak:
[shouting] Has the whole world gone crazy?! Am I the only one around here who gives a sh*t about the rules?! Mark it zero!

The Dude:
They're calling the cops, put the piece away.

Walter Sobchak:
Mark it zero!

[points gun in Smokey's face]

The Dude:
Walter …

Walter Sobchak:
[shouting] You think I'm f***ing around here? Mark it zero!

Smokey:
All right, it's f***ing zero. Are you happy, you crazy f***?

Walter Sobchak:
It's a league game, Smokey.

Bunny Lebowski:
I'll suck your cock for a thousand dollars.

Brandt:
Ah-hahahahaha! Wonderful woman. We're all, we're all very fond of her. Very free-spirited.

Bunny Lebowski:
Brandt can't watch, though, or he has to pay a hundred.

Brandt:
Ah-haha. That's marvelous.

The Dude:
Uh, I'm just gonna go find a cash machine.

Walter Sobchak:
You know, Dude, I myself dabbled in pacifism once. Not in 'Nam of course.

The Dude:
And, you know, he's got emotional problems, man.

Walter Sobchak:
You mean … beyond pacifism?

The Dude:
Walter … what am I going to tell Lebowski?

Walter Sobchak:
I told that f*** down at the league office … who's in charge of scheduling?

The Dude:
Walter …

Donny:
Burkhalter.

Walter Sobchak:
I told that kraut a f***ing thousand times that I don't roll on Shabbos!

The Dude:
Walter …

Donny:
They already posted it.

Walter Sobchak:
Well they can f***ing unpost it!

The Dude:
Who gives a sh*t! They're gonna kill that poor woman, man! What am I gonna tell Lebowski?

Walter Sobchak:
C'mon Dude, eventually she'll get sick of her little game and, you know, wander on back.

Donny:
How come you don't roll on Saturday, Walter?

Walter Sobchak:
I'm Shomer Shabbos.

Donny:
What's that?

The Dude:
Yeah, and in the meantime, what do I tell Lebowski?

Walter Sobchak:
Saturday, Donny, is Shabbos, the Jewish day of rest. That means that I don't work, I don't drive a car, I don't f***ing ride in a car, I don't handle money, I don't turn on the oven, and I sure as sh*t don't f***ing roll!

Donny:
Sheesh.

Walter Sobchak:
Shomer Shabbos!

The Dude:
Walter, how am I going to …

Walter Sobchak:
Shomer f***ing Shabbos.

The Dude:
Oh f*** it. I'm out of here.

Walter Sobchak:
Come on, Dude … [rolls his eyes at Donny] F***ing baby …

[Donny nods]

The Dude:
F***in' Quintana … that creep can roll, man.

Walter Sobchak:
Yeah, but he's a pervert, Dude.

The Dude:
Yeah.

Walter Sobchak:
No, he's a sex offender. With a record. He served 6 months in Chino for exposing himself to an eight year old.

The Dude:
Oh!

Walter Sobchak:
When he moved to Hollywood he had to go door to door to tell everyone he was a pederast.

Donny:
What's a … pederast, Walter?

Walter Sobchak:
Shut the f*** up, Donny.

[Jesus approaches]

Jesus Quintana:
You ready to be f***ed, man? I see you rolled your way into the semis. Dios mio, man. Liam and me, we're gonna f*** you up.

The Dude:
Yeah, well, you know, that's just, like, your opinion, man.

Jesus Quintana:
Let me tell you something, pendejo. You pull any of your crazy sh*t with us, you flash a piece out on the lanes, I'll take it away from you, stick it up your ass and pull the f***ing trigger 'til it goes "click".

The Dude:
Jesus.

Jesus Quintana:
You said it, man. Nobody f***s with the Jesus.

Walter Sobchak:
Eight-year-olds, Dude.

Maude Lebowski:
What do you do for recreation?

The Dude:
Oh, the usual. I bowl. Drive around. The occasional acid flashback.

Walter Sobchak:
You want a toe? I can get you a toe, believe me. There are ways, Dude. You don't wanna know about it, believe me.

The Dude:
Yeah, but Walter …

Walter Sobchak:
Hell, I can get you a toe by 3 o'clock this afternoon … with nail polish. These f***ing amateurs …

Walter Sobchak:
F***ing Germans. Nothing changes. F***ing Nazis.

Donny:
They were Nazis, Dude?

Walter Sobchak:
Oh, come on Donny, they were threatening castration! Are we gonna split hairs here? Am I wrong?

Walter Sobchak:
I'm saying, I see what you're getting at, Dude, he kept the money. My point is, here we are, it's shabbas, the sabbath, which I'm allowed to break only if it's a matter of life or death...

The Dude:
Will you come off it, Walter? You're not even f***ing Jewish, man.

Walter Sobchak:
What the f*** are you talkin' about?

The Dude:
Man, you're f***ing Polish Catholic...

Walter Sobchak:
What the f*** are you talking about? I converted when I married Cynthia! Come on, Dude!

The Dude:
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah...

Walter Sobchak:
And you know this!

The Dude:
Yeah, and five f***ing years ago you were divorced.

Walter Sobchak:
So what are you saying? When you get divorced you turn in your library card? You get a new license? You stop being Jewish?

The Dude:
It's all a part of your sick Cynthia thing, man. Taking care of her f***ing dog. Going to her f***ing synagogue. You're living in the f***ing past.

Walter Sobchak:
Three thousand years of beautiful tradition, from Moses to Sandy Koufax...You're goddamn right I'm living in the f***ing past!

The Dude:
You thought that Bunny had been kidnapped and you were f***in' glad, man. You could use it as an excuse to make some money disappear. All you needed was a sap to pin it on! You'd just met me! You human … paraquat! You figured "oh, here's a loser", you know? A deadbeat, someone the square community won't give a sh*t about.

The Big Lebowski:
Well, aren't you?

The Dude:
Well, yeah!

The Dude:
Yeah, well. The Dude abides.

The Stranger:
The Dude abides. I don't know about you but I take comfort in that. It's good knowin' he's out there. The Dude. Takin' 'er easy for all us sinners. Shoosh. I sure hope he makes the finals.

They figured he was a lazy, time-wasting slacker. They were right.

Her life was in their hands. Now her toe is in the mail.

Times like these call for a Big Lebowski.

It takes guys as simple as the Dude and Walter to make a story this complicated … and they'd really rather be bowling.

Lebowski:
not a man, a way of life.