The Big Lebowski

Donny:
Phone's ringing, Dude.

The Dude:
Thank you, Donny.

Maude Lebowski:
What do you do for recreation?

The Dude:
Oh, the usual. I bowl. Drive around. The occasional acid flashback.

The Dude:
That's a great plan, Walter. That's f***in' ingenious, if I understand it correctly. It's a Swiss f***in' watch.

Maude Lebowski:
You can imagine where it goes from here.

The Dude:
He fixes the cable?

Maude Lebowski:
Don't be fatuous, Jeffrey.

The Dude:
F*** sympathy! I don't need your f***in' sympathy, man, I need my f***ing johnson!

Donny:
What do you need that for, Dude?

The Dude:
God damn you Walter! You f***in' a**hole! Everything's a f***in' travesty with you, man! And what was all that sh*t about Vietnam? What the F***, has anything got to do with Vietnam? What the f*** are you talking about?

Walter Sobchak:
You want a toe? I can get you a toe, believe me. There are ways, Dude. You don't wanna know about it, believe me.

The Dude:
Yeah, but Walter...

Walter Sobchak:
Hell, I can get you a toe by 3 o'clock this afternoon... with nail polish.

Walter Sobchak:
I told those f***s down at the league office a thousand times that I don't roll on Shabbos!

Donny:
What's Shabbos?

Walter Sobchak:
Saturday, Donny, is Shabbos, the Jewish day of rest. That means that I don't work, I don't get in a car, I don't ride in a car, I don't pick up the phone, I don't turn on the oven, and I sure as sh*t

Walter Sobchak:
DONT F***ING ROLL! SHOMER SHABBOS!

Walter Sobchak:
I'm saying, I see what you're getting at, Dude, he kept the money. My point is, here we are, it's shabbas, the sabbath, which I'm allowed to break only if it's a matter of life or death...

The Dude:
Will you come off it, Walter? You're not even f***ing Jewish, man.

Walter Sobchak:
What the f*** are you talkin' about?

The Dude:
Man, you're f***ing Polish Catholic...

Walter Sobchak:
What the f*** are you talking about? I converted when I married Cynthia! Come on, Dude!

The Dude:
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah...

Walter Sobchak:
And you know this!

The Dude:
Yeah, and five f***ing years ago you were divorced.

Walter Sobchak:
So what are you saying? When you get divorced you turn in your library card? You get a new license? You stop being Jewish?

The Dude:
It's all a part of your sick Cynthia thing, man. Taking care of her f***ing dog. Going to her f***ing synagogue. You're living in the f***ing past.

Walter Sobchak:
Three thousand years of beautiful tradition, from Moses to Sandy Koufax...

Walter Sobchak:
You're goddamn right I'm living in the f***ing past!

Walter Sobchak:
Nihilists! F*** me. I mean, say what you like about the tenets of National Socialism, Dude, at least it's an ethos.

Brandt:
Well dude, we just don't know.

The Dude:
Look, just stay away from my f***ing lady friend.

Da Fino, Private Snoop:
Hey, I'm not messing with your special lady.

The Dude:
She's not my special lady, she's my f***ing lady friend. I'm just helping her conceive.

The Dude:
Well, they finally did it. They killed my f***ing car.

Nihilist:
Ve vant ze money, Lebowski.

Nihilist #2:
Ja, uzzervize ve kill ze girl.

Nihilist #3:
Ja, it seems you have forgotten our little deal, Lebowski.

The Dude:
You don't HAVE the f***ing girl, dipshits! We know you never did!

Donny:
Are these the Nazis, Walter?

Walter Sobchak:
No, Donny, these men are nihilists, there's nothing to be afraid of.

Nihilist:
Ve don't care. Ve still vant ze money, Lebowski, or ve f*** you up.

Walter Sobchak:
F*** you. F*** the three of you.

The Dude:
Hey, cool it Walter.

Walter Sobchak:
No, without a hostage, there is no ransom. That's what ransom is. Those are the f***ing rules.

Nihilist #2:
His girlfriend gave up her toe!

Nihilist #3:
She though we'd be getting million dollars!

Nihilist #2:
Iss not fair!

Walter Sobchak:
Fair! WHO'S THE F***ING NIHILIST HERE! WHAT ARE YOU, A BUNCH OF F***ING CRYBABIES?

The Dude:
Hey, cool it Walter. Look, pal, there never was any money. The big Lebowski gave me an empty briefcase, so take it up with him, man.

Walter Sobchak:
And, I would like my undies back.

Donny:
Are they gonna hurt us, Walter?

Walter Sobchak:
No, Donny. These men are cowards.

Nihilist:
Okay. So we take ze money you haf on you, und ve calls it eefen.

Walter Sobchak:
F*** you.

The Dude:
Walter, what is the point? Look, we all know who is at fault here, what the f*** are you talking about?

Walter Sobchak:
Huh? No, what the f*** are you... I'm not... We're talking about unchecked aggression here, dude.

Donny:
What the f*** is he talking about?

The Dude:
My rug.

Walter Sobchak:
Forget it, Donny, you're out of your element!

The Dude:
Walter, the chinaman who peed on my rug, I can't go give him a bill, so what the f*** are you talking about?

Walter Sobchak:
What the f*** are you talking about? The chinaman is not the issue here, dude. I'm talking about drawing a line in the sand, dude. Across this line, you DO NOT... Also, dude, chinaman is not the preferred nomenclature. Asian-American, please.

The Dude:
Jeez, Walter, I'm not talking about the guys who built the f***ing railroad here.

The Dude:
Who the f*** are the Kanutzsins?

Walter Sobchak:
Shut the f*** up, Donny.

The Dude:
Hey, careful, man, there's a beverage here!

The Dude:
And, you know, he's got emotional problems, man.

Walter Sobchak:
You mean... beyond pacifism?

Donny:
Are these the Nazis, Walter?

Walter Sobchak:
No, Donny, these men are nihilists. There's nothing to be afraid of.

Jesus Quintana:
What's this day of rest sh*t? What's this bullshit? I don't f***in' care! It don't matter to Jesus. But you're not foolin' me, man. You might fool the f***s in the league office, but you don't fool Jesus. This bush league psyche-out stuff. Laughable, man - ha ha! I would have f***ed you in the ass Saturday. I f*** you in the ass next Wednesday instead. Wooo! You got a date Wednesday, baby!

Walter Sobchak:
F***ing dipshit with a nine toed woman.

The Dude:
F***in' Quintana... that creep can roll, man.

Walter Sobchak:
Yeah, but he's a pervert, Dude.

The Dude:
Yeah.

Walter Sobchak:
No, he's a sex offender. With a record. He served 6 months in Chino for exposing himself to an eight year old.

The Dude:
Oh!

Walter Sobchak:
When he moved to Hollywood he had to go door to door to tell everyone he was a pederast.

Donny:
What's a... pederast, Walter?

Walter Sobchak:
Shut the f*** up, Donny.

Jesus Quintana:
You ready to be f***ed man? I see you rolled your way into the semis. Dios mio, man. Liam and me, we're gonna f*** you up.

The Dude:
Yeah, well, that's just, like, your opinion, man.

Jesus Quintana:
Let me tell you something, pendejo. You pull any of your crazy sh*t with us, you flash a piece out on the lanes, I'll take it away from you, stick it up your ass and pull the f***ing trigger 'til it goes "click."

The Dude:
Jesus.

Jesus Quintana:
You said it man. Nobody f***s with the Jesus.

Walter Sobchak:
Eight year-olds, Dude.

The Dude:
What's in the f***in' carrier?

Walter Sobchak:
Huh? Oh, that's Cynthia's dog. I think it's a Pomeranian. I can't leave him home alone or he eats the furniture. I'm watching him while Cynthia and Marty Ackerman are in Hawaii.

The Dude:
You brought the f***in' Pomeranian bowling?

Walter Sobchak:
What do you mean brought it bowling, Dude? I didn't rent it shoes. I'm not buying it a f***ing beer. He's not taking your f***ing turn, Dude.

The Dude:
Man, if my f***in' ex-wife asked me to take care of her f***in' dog while she and her boyfriend went to Honolulu I'd tell her to go f*** herself.

Walter Sobchak:
F*** it Dude, Let's go bowling.

The Dude:
She's not my special lady friend, man. I'm just helping her conceive.

Nihilist #3:
I f*** you in the ass, I f*** you in the ass, I f*** you, I f*** you, I f*** you, I f***...

The Dude:
I mean we totally f***ed it up man, we f***ed up this payoff, we got the kidnappers all mad at us, and Lebowski, ya know, he yelled at me a lot but he didn't do anything, huh?

Walter Sobchak:
Well, sometimes, it's a cathartic -

The Dude:
No, I'm saying, if he knows I'm a f***-up, why does he leave me in charge of getting his wife back? Because he doesn't f***ing want her back! He no longer digs her, it's all a show! Ok, so then why doesn't he give a sh*t about his million bucks? I mean, he knows we never handed off the briefcase, but he never asked for it back. The million bucks was never in the briefcase! The a**hole was hoping that they would kill her! You threw out a ringer for a ringer!

Walter Sobchak:
Do you see what happens, Larry? Do you see what happens when you f*** a stranger in the ass!

Walter Sobchak:
You have got to buck up, man. You cannot drag this negative energy in to the tournament!

The Dude:
F*** the tournament... F*** YOU, Walter!

Walter Sobchak:
F*** the tournament? All right, I can see you don't want to be consoled here, Dude. Come on Donny, let's go get us a lane.

The Dude:
Jesus, man, could you change the channel?

Cab Driver:
F*** you man. If you don't like my f***in' music get your own f***in' cab!

The Dude:
I had a rough...

Cab Driver:
I pull over and kick your ass out!

The Dude:
Come on, man. I had a rough night and I hate the f***in' Eagles, man!

Tony the Chauffeur:
So he says "My wife's a pain in the ass. She's always busting my friggin' agates. My daughter's married to a real loser bastard. And I got a rash so bad on my ass, I can't even sit down. But you know me. I can't complain."

The Dude:
F***in' A, man. I got a rash, man.

The Dude:
Nobody calls me Lebowski. You got the wrong guy. I'm the Dude, man.

Blond Treehorn Thug:
Your name's Lebowski, Lebowski. Your wife is Bunny.

The Dude:
My... my wi-, my wife, Bunny? Do you see a wedding ring on my finger? Does this place look like I'm f***ing married? The toilet seat's up, man!

Walter Sobchak:
F***ing Germans. Nothing changes. F***ing Nazis.

Donny:
They were Nazis, Dude?

Walter Sobchak:
Oh, come on Donny, they were threatening castration!

Brandt:
Mr. Lebowski is prepared to make a generous offer to you to act as courier, once we get instructions for the money.

The Dude:
Why me, man?

Brandt:
He believes the culprits might be the very people who, uh, soiled your rug, and you are in a unique position to confirm or disconfirm that suspicion.

The Dude:
He thinks the carpet pissers did this?

The Dude:
Yeah, well. The Dude abides.

The Stranger:
The Dude abides. I don't know about you but I take comfort in that. It's good knowin' he's out there. The Dude. Takin' 'er easy for all us sinners. Shoosh. I sure hope he makes the finals.

The Stranger:
I guess that's the way the whole durned human comedy keeps perpetuatin' itself.

The Dude:
Did you ever hear of "The Seattle Seven"?

Maude Lebowski:
Mmm.

The Dude:
That was me... and six other guys.

Walter Sobchak:
He lives in North Hollywood on Radford, near the In-and-Out Burger...

The Dude:
The In-and-Out Burger is on Camrose.

Walter Sobchak:
Near the In-and-Out Burger...

Donny:
Those are good burgers, Walter.

Walter Sobchak:
Shut the f*** up, Donny.

Walter Sobchak:
Those rich f***s! This whole f***ing thing... I did not watch my buddies die face down in the muck so that this f***ing strumpet...

The Dude:
I don't see any connection to Vietnam, Walter.

Walter Sobchak:
Well, there isn't a literal connection, Dude.

The Dude:
Walter, face it, there isn't any connection.

The Stranger:
There's just one thing, Dude.

The Dude:
And what's that?

The Stranger:
Do you have to use so many cuss words?

The Dude:
What the f*** you talking about?

The Stranger:
Okay, Dude. Have it your way.

Walter Sobchak:
I told that Kraut a f***in' thousand times, I don't roll on shabbos!

The Dude:
Fortunately, I'm adhering to a pretty strict, uh, drug, uh, regimen to keep my mind, you know, uh, limber.

The Dude:
Well, I still jerk off manually.

The Dude:
It's like what Lenin said... you look for the person who will benefit, and, uh, uh...

Donny:
I am the walrus.

The Dude:
You know what I'm trying to say...

Walter Sobchak:
That f***ing b*tch...

Donny:
I am the walrus.

Walter Sobchak:
shut the f*** up, Donny! V.I. Lenin. Vladimir Illanich Uleninov!

The Big Lebowski:
Isn't that what makes a man?

The Dude:
Mmm, sure. That and a pair of testicles.

Bunny Lebowski:
I'll suck your cock for a thousand dollars.

Brandt:
Ah hahahahaha! Wonderful woman. We're all, we're all very fond of her. Very free-spirited.

Bunny Lebowski:
Brandt can't watch, though, or he has to pay a hundred.

Brandt:
Ah haha. That's marvelous.

The Dude:
Uh, I'm just gonna go find a cash machine.

Maude Lebowski:
Does the female form make you uncomfortable, Mr. Lebowski?

The Dude:
Uh, is that what this is a picture of?

Maude Lebowski:
In a sense, yes. My art has been commended as being strongly vaginal which bothers some men. The word itself makes some men uncomfortable. Vagina.

The Dude:
Oh yeah?

Maude Lebowski:
Yes, they don't like hearing it and find it difficult to say whereas without batting an eye a man will refer to his dick or his rod or his Johnson.

The Dude:
Johnson?

Maude Lebowski:
Do you like sex, Mr. Lebowski?

The Dude:
'Scuse me?

Maude Lebowski:
Sex. The physical act of love. Coitus. Do you like it?

The Dude:
I was talking about my rug.

Maude Lebowski:
You're not interested in sex?

The Dude:
You mean coitus?

Walter Sobchak:
Were you listening to The Dude's story, Donny?

The Dude:
Walter...

Donny:
What?

Walter Sobchak:
Were you listening to The Dude's story?

Donny:
I was bowling.

Walter Sobchak:
So you have no frame of reference here, Donny. You're like a child who wanders into the middle of a movie and wants to know...

The Dude:
(interrupting) Walter, Walter, what's the point, man?

Walter Sobchak:
There's no reason - here's my point, dude, there's no f***ing reason why these two...

Donny:
Yeah, Walter, what's your point?

The Dude:
I dropped off the money exactly as per... look, man, I've got certain information, all right? Certain things have come to light. And, you know, has it ever occurred to you, that, instead of, uh, you know, running around, uh, uh, blaming me, you know, given the nature of all this new sh*t, you know, I-I-I-I... this could be a-a-a-a lot more, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, complex, I mean, it's not just, it might not be just such a simple... uh, you know?

The Big Lebowski:
What in God's holy name are you blathering about?

The Dude:
What I'm blathering about - new sh*t has come to light, man. She owes money all over town, including to known pornographers, and that's cool... that's cool, and of course they're going to say that they didn't get the money, because... she wants more, man! She's got to feed the monkey...

Walter Sobchak:
OVER THE LINE!

Smokey:
Huh?

Walter Sobchak:
I'm sorry, Smokey. You were over the line, that's a foul.

Smokey:
Bullshit. Mark it 8, Dude.

Walter Sobchak:
Uh, excuse me. Mark it zero. Next frame.

Smokey:
Bullshit, Walter. Mark it 8, Dude.

Walter Sobchak:
Smokey, this is not 'Nam. This is bowling. There are rules.

The Dude:
Oh, Jesus, what's that smell, man?

Auto Circus Cop:
Yes, probably a vagrant slept in the car. Or maybe just used it as a toilet and moved on.

Walter Sobchak:
The man in the black pajamas, Dude. Worthy f***in' adversary.

Donny:
Who's in pajamas Walter?

Walter Sobchak:
Shut the f*** up, Donny.

The Dude:
You thought that Bunny had been kidnapped and you were f***in' glad, man. You could use it as an excuse to make some money disappear. You'd just met me... You human paraquat! You figured 'Oh, here's a loser. A deadbeat, someone the square community won't give a sh*t about.

The Big Lebowski:
Well, aren't you?

The Dude:
Well... yeah.

The Stranger:
Darkness warshed over the Dude - darker'n a black steer's tookus on a moonless prairie night. There was no bottom.

The Dude:
Do you find them much, these, stolen cars?

Younger Cop:
Sometimes. Wouldn't hold out much hope for the tape deck though.

Older Cop:
Or the Creedence.

Walter Sobchak:
Now so far, we have what appears to me to be a series of victimless crimes.

The Dude:
What about the toe?

Walter Sobchak:
Forget about the f***ing toe!

Coffee Shop Waitress:
Excuse me, sir. Could you please keep your voices down? This is a family restaurant.

Walter Sobchak:
Oh please, dear? For your information, the Supreme Court has roundly rejected prior restraint.

Blond Treehorn Thug:
Where's the money, Lebowski? Where's the f***ing money, shithead?

The Dude:
It's uh... uh... it's down there somewhere, let me take another look.

The Dude:
Let me explain something to you. Um, I am not "Mr. Lebowski". You're Mr. Lebowski. I'm the Dude. So that's what you call me. You know, that or, uh, His Dudeness, or uh, Duder, or El Duderino if you're not into the whole brevity thing.

Walter Sobchak:
Am I wrong?

The Dude:
No you're not wrong.

Walter Sobchak:
Am I wrong?

The Dude:
You're not wrong Walter. You're just an a**hole.

Walter Sobchak:
All right then.

The Dude:
My only hope is that the big Lebowski kills me before the Germans can cut my dick off.

Walter Sobchak:
And look at it this way Dude, who's got a million f***ing dollars in their trunk? Huh?

The Dude:
Their trunk?

Walter Sobchak:
Who's got a million f***ing dollars in their f***ing car? And whadda they got? My dirty undies... my f***ing whites...

Walter Sobchak:
Dude, where is your car?

The Dude:
F***...

Walter Sobchak:
It was parked in a handicapped zone, perhaps they towed it.

The Dude:
You f***ing know its been stolen.

Donny:
Who's got your undies Walter?

Nihilist:
We believe in nothing, Lebowski. Nothing. And tomorrow we come back and we cut off your chonson.

The Dude:
Excuse me?

Nihilist:
I said

Nihilist:
"We'll cut off your johnson"!

Nihilist:
Just you think about that, Lebowski.

Nihilist:
Yeah, your wiggly penis, Lebowski.

Nihilist:
Yeah and maybe we stomp on it and squoosh it, Lebowski.

The Dude:
Oh boy. How ya gonna keep 'em down on the farm once they've seen Karl Hungus.

Walter Sobchak:
Whereas what we have here? A bunch of fig-eaters wearing towels on their heads, trying to find reverse in a Soviet tank. This is not a worthy adversary.

Malibu Police Chief:
Keep your ugly f***in' goldbrickin' ass out of my beach community.

Walter Sobchak:
That's right, Dude, they peed on your f***ing rug.

Walter Sobchak:
Lets not forget Dude that keeping wildlife, um... an amphibious rodent, for... um, ya know domestic... within the city... that ain't legal either.

The Big Lebowski:
Are you employed, sir?

The Dude:
Employed?

The Big Lebowski:
You don't go out looking for a job dressed like that? On a weekday?

The Dude:
Is this a... what day is this?

The Big Lebowski:
Well, I do work sir, so if you don't mind...

The Dude:
I do mind, the Dude minds. This will not stand, ya know, this aggression will not stand, man.

The Dude:
Hey, nice marmot!

Bunny Lebowski:
Blow on them.

The Dude:
You want me to blow on your toes?

Bunny Lebowski:
I can't blow that far.

The Dude:
Are you sure he won't mind?

Bunny Lebowski:
Ulli doesn't care about anything. He's a Nihilist.

The Dude:
Ah. Must be exhausting.

The Dude:
This is the f***in' guy! I can find this f***in' Lebowski guy!

Donny:
His name's Lebowski? That's your name, Dude!

The Dude:
Yes, Walter, I think there is a hidden message here. It's "F*** YOU, WALTER, LEAVE ME THE F*** ALONE!" Yeah, I'll see you at practice on Wednesday.

The Dude:
Who are you, anyway?

Knox Harrington:
Oh, just a friend of Maudie's.

The Dude:
A friend with a cleft a**hole?

Maude Lebowski:
Uli Hauff? Her Co-Star in The Beaver Picture?

The Dude:
Beaver? Uhhhh, you mean vagina...? WAIT! You know this guy?

Maude Lebowski:
Oh, I might have introduced him for all I know.

Maude Lebowski:
You remember Uli?

Knox Harrington:
Yahhhmmm.

Walter Sobchak:
Donny was a good bowler, and a good man. He was one of us. He was a man who loved the outdoors... and bowling, and as a surfer he explored the beaches of Southern California, from La Jolla to Leo Carrillo and... up to... Pismo. He died, like so many young men of his generation, he died before his time. In your wisdom, Lord, you took him, as you took so many bright flowering young men at Khe Sanh, at Langdok, at Hill 364. These young men gave their lives. And so would Donny. Donny, who loved bowling. And so, Theodore Donald Karabozoz, in accordance with what we think your dying wishes might well have been, we commit your final mortal remains to the bosom of the Pacific Ocean, which you loved so well. Good night, sweet prince.

The Dude:
At least I'm housebroken.

The Dude:
I'm sorry your stepmother is a nympho.

The Dude:
Walter, I love you, but sooner or later, you're going to have to realize the fact that you're a god damn moron.

The Big Lebowski:
Start talking and talk fast you lousy bum.

Brandt:
We've been frantically trying to reach you, Dude.

The Dude:
Just take it easy man.

Walter Sobchak:
I'm perfectly calm Dude.

The Dude:
shouting Yeah, waving the f*cking gun around?

Walter Sobchak:
Calmer than you are.

The Dude:
Will you just take it easy?

Walter Sobchak:
Calmer than you are.

The Dude:
Ah, f*** it.

The Big Lebowski:
F*** it! Yes! That's your answer for everything! Tattoo it on your forehead!

The Dude:
Oh, f*** me, man! That kid already spent all the money!

Walter Sobchak:
New Corvette? Hardly, Dude. I'd say he's still got about $960 - $970,000 left, depending on the options.

Walter Sobchak:
Life does not stop and start at your convenience, you miserable piece of sh*t.

The Dude:
I could be just sitting at home with pee stains on my rug.

Walter Sobchak:
GOD DAMN IT! Look, just because we're bereaved, that doesn't make us saps!

The Dude:
I only said I THOUGHT she kidnapped herself. You're the one who's so f***ing certain!

Walter Sobchak:
That's right, Dude. 100% certain.

The Dude:
Look, nothing is f***ed, here, man.

The Big Lebowski:
Nothing is f***ed?

The Big Lebowski:
The god damn plane has crashed into the mountain!

Walter Sobchak:
Now that is just ridiculous, Dude. Nobody is going to cut your dick off.

Walter Sobchak:
Is this your homework, Larry? Is this your homework, Larry?

The Dude:
Look, man...

Walter Sobchak:
Dude, please? Is this your homework, Larry?

The Dude:
Just ask him about the car.

Walter Sobchak:
Is this yours, Larry? Is this your homework, Larry?

The Dude:
Is that your car out front?

Walter Sobchak:
Is this your homework, Larry?

The Dude:
We know it's his f***ing homework! Where's the f***ing money, you little brat?

Walter Sobchak:
Look, Larry. Have you ever heard of Vietnam?

The Dude:
Oh, for Christ's sake, Walter...

Walter Sobchak:
You're entering a world of pain, son. We know that this is your homework. We know that you stole a car.

The Dude:
And the f***ing money.

Walter Sobchak:
And the f***ing money. And, we know that this is your homework.

The Dude:
We're going to cut your dick off, Larry.

Walter Sobchak:
You're killing your father, Larry!

Maude Lebowski:
My father's weakness is vanity, hence the slut.

Walter Sobchak:
That's not her toe, Dude.

The Dude:
Then whose toe is it, Walter?

Walter Sobchak:
How the f*** should I know?

The Dude:
Walter...

Walter Sobchak:
What?

The Dude:
What the f*** does Vietnam have to do with anything?

The Dude:
On you maybe.

Malibu Police Chief:
Stay outta Malibu, Lebowski!

The Big Lebowski:
Your revolution is over, Mr. Lebowski. Condolences. The bums lost. My advice is to do what your parents did; get a job, sir. The bums will always lose. Do you hear me, Lebowski?

The Big Lebowski:
The bums will always lose!

Brandt:
How was your meeting, Mr. Lebowski?

The Dude:
Okay. The old man told me to take any rug in the house.

Da Fino, Private Snoop:
I'm a Brother Seamus!

The Dude:
A Brother Seamus? What... like an Irish monk?

Da Fino, Private Snoop:
...What the f*** are you talking about?

The Dude:
Yeah, I know what you mean, f*** off Da Fino.

The Dude:
This is a private residence, man!

Maude Lebowski:
Now, what happened to your face? Did Jackie Treehorn do that as well?

The Dude:
Ah, no that was the chief of police of Malibu. A real reactionary.

The Dude:
Ow! F***ing fascist!

The Dude:
Your money is being held by a kid named Larry Sellers. Real f***ing brat, but I'm sure your goons can get it off him. I mean, he's fifteen.

The Dude:
Flunking social studies.

Da Fino, Private Snoop:
Let me tell ya something: I dig your work. Playing one side against the other, in bed with everybody. Just fabulous stuff.

The Dude:
So if you could just write me a check for ten percent of a million dollars... five grand...

Walter Sobchak:
You know, Dude, I myself dabbled in pacifism once. Not in 'Nam of course.

The Big Lebowski:
I just want to understand this, sir. Every time a rug is micturated upon in this fair city, I have to compensate the owner?

The Stranger:
Sometimes you eat the bar, and sometimes, well, he eats you.

The Dude:
By the way, do you think that you could give me that $20,000 in cash? My concern is, and I have to, uh, check with my accountant, that this might bump me into a higher, uh, tax bracket.

You're not wrong Walter, you're just an a**hole.

"Eight year olds Dude"

The Dude:
..Yeah, man, it really tied the room together.

Walter Sobchak:
This was a valued, uh …

The Dude:
Yeah.

Donny:
[Donny takes a seat] What tied the room together, Dude?

The Dude:
My rug.

Walter Sobchak:
Were you listening to The Dude's story, Donny?

Donny:
What?

The Dude:
Walter …

Walter Sobchak:
Were you listening to The Dude's story?

Donny:
I was bowling.

Walter Sobchak:
So you have no frame of reference here, Donny. You're like a child who wanders into the middle of a movie and wants to know -

The Dude:
Walter, Walter, what's the point, man?

Walter Sobchak:
There's no reason - Here's my point, Dude. There's no f***ing reason why these two -

Donny:
Yeah, Walter, what's your point?

Walter Sobchak:
Huh?

The Dude:
Walter, what is the poin-? Look, we all know who is at fault here - what the f*** are you talking about?

Walter Sobchak:
Huh? No, what the f*** are you … ! I'm not … we're talking about unchecked aggression here, Dude.

Donny:
What the f*** is he talking about?

The Dude:
My rug.

Walter Sobchak:
Forget it, Donny, you're out of your element!

The Dude:
Look, Walter - Walter, the Chinaman who peed on my rug, I can't go give him a bill, so what the f*** are you talking about?

Walter Sobchak:
What the f*** are you talking about? The Chinaman is not the issue here, Dude! I'm talking about drawing a line in the sand, Dude. Across this line, you do not... Also, Dude, "Chinaman" is not the preferred nomenclature. "Asian-American," please.

The Dude:
Walter, this isn't a guy who built the railroads here. This is a guy...

Walter Sobchak:
What the f*** are you...?

The Dude:
Walter, he peed on my rug!

Donny:
He peed on the Dude's rug.

Walter Sobchak:
Donny, you're out of your element! Dude, the Chinaman is not the issue here!

The Dude:
Then who...?

Walter Sobchak:
Jeff Lebowski, the other Jeffery Lebowski. The millionaire!

The Dude:
That's f***ing interesting, man. That's f***ing interesting.

Walter Sobchak:
Plus, he has the wealth, obviously, and the resources. So that there's no reason - there's no F***ING reason - why his wife should go out and owe money all over town, and then they come, and they pee on your f***ing rug! Am I wrong?

Brandt:
Uh, our guest needs to be going now, Mrs. Lebowski.

The Dude:
(realizes) Ohh, you're Bunny.

Bunny Lebowski:
[takes off her sunglasses] I'll suck your cock for a thousand dollars.

Brandt:
Ah-hahahahaha! Ah - Wonderful woman. We're all, we're all very fond of her. Very free-spirited.

Bunny Lebowski:
Brandt can't watch, though - or he has to pay a hundred.

Brandt:
Ah-haha. That's marvelous.

The Dude:
[Dude turns his head back as Brandt escorts him away] ..Uh, I'm just gonna go find a cash machine.

Walter Sobchak:
F***ing dog has f***ing papers—OVER THE LINE!

Smokey:
Huh?

Walter Sobchak:
I'm sorry, Smokey. You were over the line, that's a foul.

Smokey:
Bullshit. Mark it 8, Dude.

Walter Sobchak:
Uh, excuse me. Mark it zero. Next frame.

Smokey:
Bullshit, Walter. Mark it 8, Dude.

Walter Sobchak:
Smokey, this is not 'Nam. This is bowling. There are rules.

The Dude:
Hey, Walter, c'mon, it's just - Hey man, it's Smokey. So his toe slipped over a little, you know, it's just a game, man.

Walter Sobchak:
This is a league game, this determines who enters the next round robin. Am I wrong?

Smokey:
Yeah, but I wasn't...

Walter Sobchak:
[turns to Smokey] Am I wrong?

Smokey:
Yeah, but I wasn't over. Gimme the marker Dude, I'm marking an 8.

Walter Sobchak:
Smokey, my friend, [pulls out an M1911A1 pistol] you're entering a world of pain.

The Dude:
Walter, man...

Walter Sobchak:
You mark that frame an 8, you're entering a world of pain.

Smokey:
I'm not...

Walter Sobchak:
A world of pain.

Smokey:
Look, Dude, I - This is your partner...

Walter Sobchak:
(shouting) Has the whole world gone CRAZY?! [stands up] AM I THE ONLY ONE AROUND HERE WHO GIVES A SH*T ABOUT THE RULES?! MARK IT ZERO!

The Dude:
They're calling the cops, man. Put the piece away. [Walter's dog barks repeatedly]

Walter Sobchak:
MARK IT ZERO! [points gun in Smokey's face]

The Dude:
Walter, put the piece away …

Smokey:
Walter...?

Walter Sobchak:
(shouting) YOU THINK I'M F***ING AROUND HERE?! [racks slide on pistol] MARK IT ZERO! [Walter's dog stops barking]

Smokey:
[shivers a second, then marks the card] All right, it's f***ing zero. Are you happy, you crazy f***?

Walter Sobchak:
[calmly lowers and unloads gun] It's a league game, Smokey.

Walter Sobchak:
You know, Dude, I myself dabbled in pacifism once. Not in 'Nam of course.

The Dude:
And, you know, he's got emotional problems, man.

Walter Sobchak:
You mean … beyond pacifism?

The Dude:
She probably kidnapped herself.

Walter Sobchak:
Huh?

Donny:
What do you mean, Dude?

The Dude:
Rug Peers did not do this - Look at it! A young trophy wife, marries this guy for his money.. she figures he isn't given her enough, you know, she owes money all over town...

Walter Sobchak:
That f***ing b*tch.

The Dude:
It's all a goddamn fake, man! It's like Lenin said: You look for the person who will benefit, and, uh, uh, you know...

Donny:
"I am the walrus"?

The Dude:
You know what I'm trying to say?

Donny:
"I am the walrus".

Walter Sobchak:
That f***ing b*tch!

The Dude:
Oh yeah!

Donny:
"I am the walrus".

Walter Sobchak:
That's ex-- Shut the f*** up, Donny! V.I. Lenin! Vladimir Ilyich Ulyanov!

Donny:
What the f*** is he talking about?

Walter Sobchak:
F***in' exactly what happened to those... That makes me f***in' sick!

The Dude:
Well, what do you care, Walter?

Walter Sobchak:
Those rich fucks! This whole f***in' thing! I did not watch my buddies die face-down in the muck so this f***in' strumpet, this f***in' whore could waltz around town-

The Dude:
Walter, Walter - I don't see any connection to Vietnam, man.

Walter Sobchak:
Well it isn't a literal connection, Dude..

The Dude:
Walter, face it - There isn't any connection. Your roll.

Walter Sobchak:
Have it your way, but my point -

The Dude:
Your roll.

Walter Sobchak:
My point is -

Jesus Quintana:
Are you ready to be f***ed, man? [Dude, Walter and Donny turn as Jesus approaches] I see you rolled your way into the semis. Dios mio, man. Liam and me, we're gonna f*** you up!

The Dude:
Yeah... well, you know, that's just, like, your opinion, man.

Jesus Quintana:
Let me tell you something, pendejo. You pull any of your crazy sh*t with us, you flash a piece out on the lanes, I'll take it away from you and stick it up your ass and pull the f***ing trigger 'til it goes "click".

The Dude:
Jesus.

Jesus Quintana:
You said it, man. Nobody fucks with The Jesus. [leaves]

Walter Sobchak:
… [turns to Dude] Eight year olds, Dude.

[Dude and Walter sit in a diner as Dude shows Walter the severed toe]

Walter Sobchak:
[laughs] That wasn't her toe, Dude.

The Dude:
Whose toe was it, Walter?

Walter Sobchak:
How the f*** should I know? I do know that nothing about it indicates...

The Dude:
The nail polish, Walter!

Walter Sobchak:
Fine, Dude. As if it's impossible to take some nail polish, apply it to someone else's toe...

The Dude:
Someone else's?

Walter Sobchak:
Pinking shears... [imitates snipping]

The Dude:
Where the f*** are they gonna...

Walter Sobchak:
You want a toe? I can get you a toe. Believe me. There are ways, Dude - you don't wanna know about it, believe me.

The Dude:
Yeah, but Walter...

Walter Sobchak:
Hell, I can get you a toe by 3:00 this afternoon, with nail polish. These f***ing amateurs! (chuckles) They send us a toe, we're supposed to sh*t ourselves with fear. Jesus Christ!

The Dude:
Walter...

Walter Sobchak:
Now the point is...

The Dude:
They're gonna kill her, Walter, and then they're gonna kill me.

Walter Sobchak:
Dude... That's... That's just the stress talkin', man. Now so far, we have, what appears to me, to be a series of victimless crimes...

The Dude:
What about the toe?!

Walter Sobchak:
[slams fist on counter] FORGET ABOUT THE F***ING TOE!

Waitress at diner:
[approaches Walter and Dude] Excuse me, sir. Could you please keep your voices down? This is a family restaurant.

Walter Sobchak:
Oh please, dear? For your information, the Supreme Court has roundly rejected prior restraint!

The Dude:
Walter, this is not a First Amendment thing, man.

Waitress at diner:
Sir, if you don't calm down, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.

Walter Sobchak:
Lady, I got buddies who died face-down in the muck so that you and I could enjoy this family restaurant!

The Dude:
Alright, I'm outta here [drops money and (inadvertently) a joint on counter, subtly picks up the joint]

Walter Sobchak:
[talking to Dude as he leaves] Oh come on, Dude... Don't walk away, man! C'mon, this affects all of us, man! Our basic freedoms! [to the waitress I'm stayin'. I'm finishing my coffee. [the waitress and the diner patrons look at him in disbelief] Enjoying my coffee.

[The Dude is riding home in a cab; "Peaceful, Easy Feeling" by the Eagles is playing on the radio]

The Dude:
Jesus, man, can you change the channel?

Cab Driver:
F*** you, man! If you don't like my f***ing music, get your own f***ing cab!

The Dude:
I had a really rough...

Cab Driver:
I'll pull to the side and kick your ass out.

The Dude:
Man, come on, I had a rough night, and I hate the f***ing Eagles, man.

Cab Driver:
[pulls over and kicks the Dude out of his cab] Out of my f***ing cab! Out!

The Dude:
Man! Man, hey! [the cab driver drives off]

Donny:
[Runs over to Walter and Dude] They posted the next round for the tournament!

Walter Sobchak:
Donny, shut the f— When do we play?

Donny:
This Saturday. Quintana and—

Walter Sobchak:
Saturday? Well, they'll have to reschedule.

The Dude:
Walter, what am I gonna tell Lebowski?

Walter Sobchak:
I told that f*** down at the league office … Who's in charge of scheduling?

The Dude:
Walter …

Donny:
Burkhalter.

Walter Sobchak:
I told that kraut a f***ing thousand times that I don't roll on Shabbos!

The Dude:
Walter …

Donny:
They already posted it.

Walter Sobchak:
WELL, THEY CAN F***ING UNPOST IT!

The Dude:
Who gives a sh*t?! They're gonna kill that poor woman, man! What am I gonna tell Lebowski?

Walter Sobchak:
C'mon, Dude - Uh, eventually she'll get tired of her little game and, you know, wander on back.

Donny:
How come you don't roll on Saturday, Walter?

Walter Sobchak:
I'm Shomer Shabbos.

Donny:
What's that, Walter?

The Dude:
Yeah, and in the meantime, what do I tell Lebowski?!

Walter Sobchak:
Saturday, Donny, is Shabbos, the Jewish day of rest. That means that I don't work, I don't drive a car, I don't f***ing ride in a car, I don't handle money, I don't turn on the oven, and I sure as sh*t DON'T F***ING ROLL!

Donny:
Sheesh.

Walter Sobchak:
SHOMER SHABBOS!

The Dude:
Walter, how am I going to—

Walter Sobchak:
Shomer f***ing Shabbos.

The Dude:
Oh, f***! That's it, I'm outta here.

Walter Sobchak:
Come on, Dude … [rolls his eyes at Donny] (mouths) What a f***ing baby …

[Donny nods]

Walter Sobchak:
(talking to The Dude) We're gonna see some tank battles.. Fighting in desert is very different from fighting in canopy jungle. I mean that was a foot-soldier's war - Whereas this thing here should, uh.. y'know - Should be a piece of cake. I mean, I had an M16 Jacko, not an Abrams f***ing tank. Me and Charlie - eyeball to eyeball. That's f***ing combat. The man in the black pajamas, Dude. Worthy f***in' adversary.

Donny:
Who was in pajamas, Walter?

Walter Sobchak:
Shut the f*** up, Donny. ..Whereas what we have here.. Bunch of fig-eaters wearin' towels on their head tryin' to find reverse on a Soviet tank - This.. this is not a worthy f***in' adversary..

Jesus Quintana:
HEY! [He and his partner appear in front of Dude, Walter, and Donny] What's this "day of rest" sh*t?! What's this BULLSHIT?! I don't f***in' care! It don't matter to Jesus. But you're not foolin' me, man. You might fool the fucks in the league office, but you don't fool Jesus. This bush-league psych out stuff. Laughable, man – HA HA! I would have f***ed you in the ass Saturday. I f*** you in the ass next Wednesday instead. WOOO! You got a date Wednesday, baby! [walks away with his partner]

Walter Sobchak:
…He's crackin'.

The Dude:
Well, take care, man, gotta get back.

The Stranger:
Sure. Take it easy, Dude.

The Dude:
Oh yeah!

The Stranger:
I know that you will.

The Dude:
Yeah, well - The Dude abides.

The Stranger:
"The Dude abides." I don't know about you, but I take comfort in that. It's good knowin' he's out there. The Dude. Takin' 'er easy for all us sinners. Shoosh. I sure hope he makes the finals.

The Dude:
Get out of that car! Get the f*** out of the car, man. Get out of the fu-- [Da Fino steps out of the car] Who the f*** are you?!

Da Fino:
Easy man, relax. No physical harm intended.

The Dude:
Who the f*** are you, man?

Da Fino:
Ok man, i'm..okay

The Dude:
Why are you following me around? Come on fuckhead!

Da Fino:
Hey, relax man. I'm a Brother Shamus.

The Dude:
Brother Shamus? Like an Irish monk?

Da Fino:
What the f*** are you talking about? My name's Da Fino. I'm a private snoop. Like you, man.

The Dude:
I'm not-- Just stay away from my special lady friend.

Da Fino:
Hey hey, i'm not messing with your special lady.

The Dude:
She's not my special lady. She's my f***ing lady friend-- I'm just trying to help her conceive, man.

Da Fino:
Hey man, i'm not tryin to--

The Dude:
Who're you working for? Lebowski? Jackie Treehorn?

Da Fino:
The Knutsens.

The Dude:
The?-- Who the f*** are the Knutsens?

Da Fino:
The Knutsens. It's a wandering daughter job. Bunny Lebowski, man. Her real name is Fawn Knutsen, she ran away from home. Her parents want her back. [Shows Dude a picture of Fawn] See. Crazy, huh? Ran away about a year ago. The Knutsens told me I should show her this when I found her. It's the family farm. It's outside of Moorhead, Minnesota. They think it'll make her homesick.

The Dude:
Jesus f***ing Christ. She's been kidnapped Da Fino.

Da Fino:
That's terrible.

The Dude:
Well maybe not, but she's definitely not around.

Da Fino:
Hey, uh, phfff, maybe you and me could pool our resources, trade information... a professional courtesy...compeers, you know what i mean.

The Dude:
Yeah yeah, I get it. F*** off, Da Fino. And stay away from my special--from my f***ing lady friend man.

The Dude:
well, that’s just.... like... your opinion, man.

Walter:
is this your homework, Larry?!

(Repeated line)

Shut the f*** up, Donnie.

Jeffrey "The Dude" Lebowski:
Well, you know, the Dude abides.

Jeffrey "The Dude" Lebowski:
Obviously, you're not a golfer.

Walter Sobchak:
Here you go, Larry. You see what happens? You see what happens, Larry?! See what happens?! [The Dude: Oh, great...] This is what happens when you f*** a stranger in the ass, Larry! [Proceeds to smash up what he wrongly believes is Larry's new Corvette] This is what happens, Larry! You see what happens, Larry?! Do you see what happens when you f*** a stranger in the ass, this is what happens! You see what happens, Larry?! You see what happens, Larry?! Do you see what happens, Larry, when you f*** a stranger in the ass?! This is what happens, Larry! This is what happens, Larry!

Walter Sobchak:
That rug really tied the room together, did it not?

Walter Sobchak:
Forget it, Donny, you're out of your element!

Walter Sobchak:
Language problem here. Little prick stonewalling me...!

Walter Sobchak:
Have you ever heard of Vietnam?

Walter Sobchak:
You're (or You are) entering a world of pain!

Walter Sobchak:
You want a toe? I can get you a toe.

Walter Sobchak:
Who am I? I'm a f***ing veteran that's who I am!

Jesus Quintana:
You ready to be f***ed, man? I see you rolled your way into the semis. Dios mio, man. Liam and me, we're gonna f*** you up.

Jesus Quintana:
You said it, man. Nobody fucks with the Jesus.

Jeffrey "the Dude" Lebowski:
Well, sir, it's this rug I had. It really tied the room together.

Jeffrey "the Dude" Lebowski:
This aggression will not stand, man.

Jeffrey "the Dude" Lebowski:
Oh, nice marmot.

Walter Sobchak:
I'm perfectly calm, Dude.

Walter Sobchak:
OVER THE LINE!!