The Black Adder

Opening tune singer:
The sound of hoof beats 'cross the glade / Good folk, lock up your son and daughter / Beware the deadly flashing blade / Unless you want to end up shorter / Black Adder, Black Adder, he rides a pitch black steed / Black Adder, Black Adder, he's very bad indeed / Black: his gloves of finest mole / Black: his codpiece made of metal / His horse is blacker than a vole / His pot is blacker than his kettle / Black Adder, Black Adder, with many a cunning plan / Black Adder, Black Adder, you horrid little man.

Baldrick:
I have a cunning plan...

Percy:
Then there's the Jumping Jews of Jerusalem!

Prince Edmund:
And what do they do?

Percy:
They jump, my lord. A lot.

[King Richard is about to set out on a crusade against the Turks]

King Richard:
As the good Lord said: "Love thy neighbour as thyself, unless he's Turkish, in which case, kill the !"

Prince Edmund:
Scotsmen are barbarians! Half of them don't even speak English!

Percy:
Well, what do they speak?

Prince Edmund:
Oh, I don't know. It's all Greek to me!

Percy:
They speak Greek?

Prince Edmund:
No, I mean it SOUNDS like Greek.

Percy:
Well, if it sounds like Greek, it probably IS Greek.

Prince Edmund:
It's not Greek!

Percy:
But it sounds LIKE Greek..."What's not Greek, but sounds like Greek?" Hm, that's a good one, my lord!

Prince Edmund:
Look, it's not meant to be a BRAIN-TEASER, Percy! I'm simply trying to tell you that I cannot understand a blind word they're saying.

Percy:
Well, no wonder, my lord. You never learned Greek, of course.

[Edmund has unwillingly given up his lands in Scotland to McAngus]

McAngus:
Hey, I hope life doesn't become dull for you not being able to pass laws over Scotland.

[Edmund laughs nervously and turns away from the violent Scotsman]

Prince Edmund:
[under his breath] I wouldn't pass water over Scotland.

Prince Edmund:
[attempting to prove that Harry isn't really the King's son] These letters are dated November and December 1460. Which, Harry, in relation to your date of birth is precisely nine months...

Harry:
AFTER I was born!

[Edmund looks horrified]

McAngus:
But about nine months before your birth, Edmund!

Prince Edmund:
Ohh... you bastard!

Harry:
No, I think that you're the bastard, Edmund.

Prince Edmund:
You come in here! Fresh from slaughtering a couple of choccos when their backs were turned! And you think you can upset that harmony of a whole kingdom? I challenge you to a duel!

McAngus:
TO THE DEATH!

Prince Edmund:
[meekly] Uhm... yes, all right.

Prince Edmund:
Morris dancing is the most fatuous, tenth-rate entertainment ever devised by man. Forty effeminate blacksmiths waving bits of cloth they've just wiped their noses on. How it's still going on in this day and age I'll never know.

Prince Edmund:
Don't be absurd. Such activities are totally beyond my mother. My father only got anywhere with her because he told her it was a cure for diarrhoea.

King Richard:
Blood! Death! War! Rumpy pumpy! Triumph!

Prince Edmund:
[sitting upon his horse and holding his sword] Onward! I want you scum back to the castle by sundown or you'll all be slaughtered! [holds his sword higher] Onward!

[rides towards the sheep]

Prince Edmund:
Come on!

Prince Edmund:
[facing a fireplace] And then one day...

Percy:
[appears beside Edmund] You would be king, my lord.

[Edmund turns to him, then back to Baldrick]

Prince Edmund:
Ah, yes! Yes I would be King.

[turns around]

Prince Edmund:
And THEN what?

Percy, Baldrick:
[in unison] You rule the world, my lord!

Prince Edmund:
Precisely!

[just before the battle begins]

Harry, Prince of Wales:
Now, I'm afraid there is going to have to be a certain amount of... violence. But bare in mind, it's all for a good cause!

The Laird of Roxburgh, Selkirk and Peebles:
Baldrick, that is the worst plan since Olav the Viking ordered 20.000 helmets with the horns on the inside.

Prince Edmund:
These letters are dated November and December 1523. Which, Henry, in relation to your date of birth, is precisely nine months bef... [pauses, horrified, realising his mistake]

Prince Henry:
After I was born!

The King:
But about nine months before your birth, Edmund.

Prince Edmund:
[to McAngus] You stupid bastard!

Prince Henry:
No, I think you're the bastard, Edmund.

Prince Edmund:
Yes, almost as tragic as Archbishop Bertum being struck by a falling gargoyle while swimming off Beachy Head.

Harry:
Quite, quite. And nearly as tragic as poor old Archbishop Wilfred slipping and falling backward onto the spire of Norwich Castle. Oh, Lord, you do work in mysterious ways.

Prince Edmund:
[confessing] I have coveted my father's adultery and not honored my neighbor's ass.

Prince Edmund:
Tell me, Brother Baldrick, what exactly did God do to the Sodomites?

Baldrick:
I dunno, my lord. But it can't have been worse than what they used to do to each other.

Prince Edmund:
[after hearing the possible money-making schemes of being archbishop] Selling the sexual favours of Nuns? Some people actually pay for them?

Baldrick:
Foreign business men, other nuns, yes.

Prince Edmund:
[reading a curse] Dear Enemy, I curse you and hope something slightly unpleasant happens to you. Like an onion falling on your head.

Prince Edmund:
[reads stronger curse] Dear Enemy, may the lord hate you and all your kind. May you turn orange in hue, and may your head fall off at an awkward moment.

Prince Edmund:
You see, the thing about heaven is that heaven is for people who like the sort of things that go on in heaven. Like, well, singing, talking to God, watering pot plants.

King Richard IV:
If you cross me, now or ever, I shall do unto you what God did unto the Sodomites, understand?

King Richard IV:
Chiswick! Fresh horses!

Prince Edmund:
[they are discussing pardons to be sold by the Church] And who's that one signed by?

Baldrick:
Eh, both Popes. [hinting that it is fake]

Baldrick:
[Baldrick is showing Blackadder items that he says were made by Jesus as a carpenter, he holds up an unfinished item] Oh, I haven't finished this one yet.

Prince Edmund:
Percy, you are dismissed from my services.

Percy:
Me? why?

Prince Edmund:
Because Percy, far from being a fit consort for a prince of the realm, you would bore the leggings off a village idiot. You ride a horse rather less well than another horse would. Your brain would make a grain of sand look large and ungainly. And the part of you that can't be mentioned, I am reliably informed by women around the court, wouldn't be worth mentioning even if it could be. If you put on a floppy hat and a furry cod-piece, you might just get by as a fool, but since you wouldn't know a joke if it got up and gave you a haircut, I doubt it. THAT is why you are dismissed.

Percy:
Oh, I see.

Prince Edmund:
And as for you, Baldrick...

Baldrick:
My Lord?

Prince Edmund:
You're out too.

[to Percy]

Prince Edmund:
You ride a horse rather less well than another horse would. Your brain would make a grain of sand look large and ungainly and the part of you that can't be mentioned, I am reliably informed by women around the Court, wouldn't be worth mentioning even if it could be.

[while sitting in prison. ]

Prince Edmund:
Dear Lord, who made the birds and the bees... and the snails, presumably, erm, please help me, a little animal too, in my despair. I have bee a sinner, but now I intend to follow the path of the saints: particularly the very religious ones.

Prince Edmund:
Tomorrow I shall prove that I am a man.

Percy:
Well, you are a man.

Prince Edmund:
But how shall it be proved, Percy?

Percy:
Well, they could always look up that tree in Rutland.

Prince Edmund:
[weakly] Harry... what are my chances?

Harry:
Oh, very good.

The Queen:
He will live?

Harry:
Living? Oh, I thought you meant of going to heaven.

Prince Edmund:
[weakly] Damn.

[Edmund and his fellow members of the Black seal are plotting to assassinate the royal family]

Prince Edmund:
Let us then go on to the plan.

Others:
The plan, the plan...

Friar Bellows:
But first a motto for our enterprise. "Blessed are the meek, for they shall be slaughtered"

[the members of the Black Seal apart from Edmund draw their swords and begin to charge out]

Prince Edmund:
Wait you've forgotten the plan.

Three Fingered Pete:
I thought that was the plan.

Sean, the Irish Bastard:
Let's get those meek bastards, now!

Guy of Glastonbury:
Sorry, did I say, "Your money or your life"? I meant, "Your money AND your life." [Calmly brings out a crossbow and shoots traveler]

[the court toast to Edmund]

King Richard IV:
May he live as long as our dynasty!

[everyone except Edmund is killed by the poisoned wine]

King Richard IV:
Chiswick, fresh horses! We ride at once to rebellious Stoke, where it is my sworn intent to approach the city walls, bare my broad buttocks, and shout, "Behold! I honor thee most highly!"

Prince Edmund:
Look, this may seem a stupid question ...

Mad Gerald:
Question, yes?

Prince Edmund:
...but you wouldn't know if there's a way out of here, would you?

Mad Gerald:
A way out? Ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha ...

[twelve months later]

Mad Gerald:
...ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha! "A way out," you say? I haven't heard those words, "a way out," for... ooh ...

Prince Edmund:
Twenty years?

Mad Gerald:
Yes, twenty years! Not like "Mr. Rat." I'm always saying, "Mr. Rat."

Prince Edmund:
Who?

Mad Gerald:
Mr. Rat! I say, "Good morning, Mr. Rat, how are you today?" And he'll say

[pressing his nose]

Mad Gerald:
"meep meep."

[pause]

Mad Gerald:
Ah ha ha ha ha! Ah ha ha ha ha ...

[time passes]

Mad Gerald:
No, you mustn't be rude about Mr. Rat - he's my friend. Well, there's him, and there's Mr. Key.

Prince Edmund:
What?

Mad Gerald:
Mr. Key. I made him from my own teeth. Good morning, Mr. Key!

Prince Edmund:
And what is your name?

Baldrick:
Baldrick, my Lord.

Prince Edmund:
Then I will call you... Baldrick, Baldrick.

Baldrick:
And I will call you my Lord, my Lord.

Percy:
It will be a great day tomorrow for we nobles.

Prince Edmund:
Well, not if we lose, Percy. If we lose, I'll be chopped to pieces. My arms will end up at Essex, my torso in Norfolk, and my genitalia stuck up in a tree somewhere in Rutland.

Prince Edmund:
Let all men who go to don armour tomorrow remember to go before they don armour tomorrow.

Prince Edmund:
They're coming! Run for the hills!

Baldrick:
No, my lord! They're coming from the hills!

Prince Edmund:
Run away from the hills! Run away from the hills! If you see the hills, go the other way!

Baldrick:
My lord we can not lose!

Percy:
Well we could if we wanted to.

The Queen:
Well, I suppose you want to ravish me.

King Richard:
In a moment!

King Richard:
The woman's insatiable!

Richard III:
Who's that?

King Richard IV:
I know not, my lord. I'll ask my son. Harry! Who is that?

Harry:
It is your other son, my lord.

[to the king Richard III]

King Richard IV:
It is my other son, my lord.

Richard III:
Fights he with us tomorrow?

[to Harry]

King Richard IV:
What's his name?

Harry:
Edmund.

King Richard IV:
Edna! Fight you with us on the morrow?

Prince Edmund:
Oh, goodness, no. I thought I'd fight with the enemy.

[Silence. Blackadder giggles nervously and sits down]

Richard III:
You are not putting him anywhere near me, are you?

King Richard IV:
No, no, my lord. He'll be somewhere amongst the rabble.

Richard III:
Oh, arrow fodder.

King Richard IV:
Precisely.

[Richard III waves at Edmund]

Richard III:
What a little turd.

[Edmund has just cut off the head of King Richard III]

Baldrick:
What have you done?

Prince Edmund:
Look!

Baldrick:
Oh, dear. Richard the Third.

Richard III:
[going to the Battle of Bosworth Field] And Gentleman in London still at bed shall think themselves accursed they were not here. And hold their manhood cheap. While others speak of those who fought with us, on Ralph the Liar's DAY.

Harry:
[Inspiring words before the battle] Now I'm afraid that there's going to have to be a certain amount of violence. But at least we know it's all in a good cause, don't we?

Prince Edmund:
Well, frankly, everyone thought you were dead.

Richard III:
Well, frankly, I am.

[head floats away]

Prince Edmund:
[after surveying the battle of Bosworth Field] Why, some people over there aren't fighting, they're just lying down!

Baldrick:
They're dead, my lord.

Prince Edmund:
Ah!

Prince Edmund:
I shall be known from now on, as the Black Vegetable.

Baldrick:
My lord, wouldn't something like the Black Adder sound better?

Richard III:
[looking for a horse] A horse! [whistles] A horse! My kingdom for a horse! [sees a horse] Ah! Horsey.

Prince Edmund:
History, here I come!

Prince Edmund:
[lifting visor of severed head] Oh my God, it's Uncle Richard!

Baldrick:
My Lord...

Prince Edmund:
What?

Baldrick:
I also have a plan.

Prince Edmund:
Yes?

Baldrick:
Why not make her think you prefer the company of men?

Prince Edmund:
But I do, Baldrick, I do!

Baldrick:
No, no, My Lord. I mean, erm, the, er, *intimate* company of men...?

Prince Edmund:
You don't mean... like the Earle of Doncaster...?

Baldrick:
I mean just like the Earle of Doncaster.

Prince Edmund:
That great radish? That steaming great left-footer? The Earle of Doncaster, Baldrick, has been riding side-saddle since he was seventeen.

Baldrick:
Mm! And who would want to marry the Earle of Doncaster?

Prince Edmund:
Well, no-one wou - [realises] Brilliant! Of course! No-one would marry the Earle of Doncaster!... except, perhaps, the Duke of Beaufort.

King Richard IV:
[laughs] Ah, Harry, the gentle art of diplomacy! But you well know where the real secret of diplomacy lies, don't you, my boy...

Harry, Prince of Wales:
Well, actually, I don't, Father, but I would like to know.

King Richard IV:
[points to Harry's groin] There.

Harry, Prince of Wales:
[lifts his robes] Are you sure? I can't imagine anything of any real interest down there.

King Richard IV:
Let me explain. What's that for?

Harry, Prince of Wales:
Well, a couple of things...

King Richard IV:
Correct, and one of those things is...?

Harry, Prince of Wales:
Best not mentioned, really.

King Richard IV:
Right! And the other is fornication!

Prince Edmund:
So let me get this straight. You're saying that something which you have never seen is slightly less blue than something else which you have never seen?

[Richard IV hands over an ornate container]

King Richard IV:
Chiswick. Give this to the Queen of Naples.

Lord Chiswick:
What is it my Lord?

King Richard IV:
The King of Naples.

Prince Edmund:
As my tutor, old bubble face, used to say: "make love and be merry, for tomorrow you may catch some disgusting skin disease."

Prince Edmund:
My God! In twenty four hours I'll be married to a walrus!

Infanta Maria Escalosa of Spain:
Mi Amor! Mi Amor!

[Starts kissing Blackadder]

The Queen:
Look at the two love birds!

Prince Edmund:
One love bird and one love elephant.

King Richard IV:
Chiswick, remind me to send flowers to the King of France in sympathy for the of his son.

Lord Chiswick:
The one you had beheaded, my lord...

King Richard IV:
Yes, that's the fellow.

3rd & 4th Messengers:
My Lord, news: the Swiss have invaded France.

King Richard IV:
Excellent! [to one of his men who is standing in attendance] Wessex, while they're away, take ten thousand troops and pillage Geneva.

Lord Chiswick:
But the Swiss are our allies, My Lord.

King Richard IV:
Oh yes... Well, er, get them to dress up as Germans, will you?

[while the Archbishop is speaking, Don Speekinglesh is interpreting what he says into Spanish]

Archbishop:
Do you, Edmund Plantagenet, take Maria...

Don Speekingleesh, An Interpreter:
[interrupting] Usted, Edmund...

Archbishop:
[shouts at him] Oh, do shut up!

Don Speekingleesh, An Interpreter:
[in Spanish, to the crowd watching the marriage] !Silencion! [Silence!]

Baldrick:
[as Edmund and Percy are dressing him up to sneak into the Infanta's room] Please my lord, I beg you to reconsider...

Prince Edmund:
Baldrick, if there was any other way, you know I'd take it!

Baldrick:
But I'll die in there!

[meaning the room that Infanta is in]

Prince Edmund:
Don't worry. We'll give you a hero's funeral, bury you at sea, say you died in combat, with an enemy vessel.

King Richard IV:
[clapping his hands] Where is she? Where is she? Where is Princess Leia?

[Edmund eyes the four beautiful ladies in the room and waits patiently. Princess Leia enters]

King Richard IV:
Ah, good. Good! [to Edmund, who is surprised to see that Princess Leia is a child] Husband, meet your new wife.

Princess Leia of Hungary:
[very pleased] Hello Edmund.

Prince Edmund:
[looking displeased] Hello.

Princess Leia of Hungary:
[suddenly looking displeased] Are we getting married now?

Prince Edmund:
[slightly happier] Yes. Yes, I believe we are.

Princess Leia of Hungary:
Come on then. [Princess Leia takes Edmund's hand]

Prince Edmund:
[reading to Princess Leia] "And so it came to pass that the big bear had to leave all his friends, and go to live in a land far away where the elves and faries would look after him until the day that he died." [Edmund closes the book, Princess Leia yawns]

Princess Leia of Hungary:
Oh that was lovely Edmund. What a happy story.

[Edmund looks unhappy]

Princess Leia of Hungary:
Isn't it time to put the light out?

Prince Edmund:
Yes my dear, I think it is. It must be at least... six o' clock.

[Edmund blows the candle out and the credits roll]

[last lines]

Princess Leia of Hungary:
Can I have a drink of water please?

Prince Edmund:
[almost whispering] Yes, yes, yes! All right!

Harry, Prince of Wales:
I wanted to have a word with you about my speech at the wedding feast. I thought perhaps I'd go for a fruit motif.

Prince Edmund:
Yes...?

Harry, Prince of Wales:
Something like, er, "It is with extrawberry pleasure that we welcome you, er, may you be the apple of your husband's eye, and may he, in turn, cherries you..." - 'Cherish', you see - "... even though it's an oranged marriage." Good, eh?

Prince Edmund:
Brilliant. Quite, quite brilliant.

Harry, Prince of Wales:
Yes, I thought it was rather good. I'm hoping to squeeze in a 'banana' by the end of the day.

Prince Edmund:
[to the Witchsmeller Pursuivant] I've been hearing about your work in Taunton. Imagine that - every single person having an affair with the same duck.

Prince Edmund:
Does anybody know what happened?

Peasant:
[Raising his hand] No. I don't.

Percy:
Only this morning in the courtyard I saw a horse with two heads and two bodies.

Prince Edmund:
Two horses standing next to each other?

Percy:
Yes. It could be.

[In court]

The Witchsmeller Pursuivant:
Have you or have you not, committed sins of the flesh with him?

Jane Firkettle:
I have.

Prince Edmund:
You must be joking!

Jane Firkettle:
To my deepest shame.

Prince Edmund:
And mine. I mean look at her!

The Witchsmeller Pursuivant:
[Edmund is on trial, accused of being a witch] And Prince Edmund, I believe you have a p*ssy cat?

Prince Edmund:
That's right, yes.

The Witchsmeller Pursuivant:
Awww. Its name is Bubbles?

Prince Edmund:
Yes, that's the one.

The Witchsmeller Pursuivant:
Or to give it its full name, [shouts] Beelzebubbles!

Prince Edmund:
[after the Witchsmeller Pursuivant has accused him of being a witch] You're just an old quack!

The Witchsmeller Pursuivant:
What did you call me?

Prince Edmund:
Quack! Quack! Quack! [the crowd reacts in shock]

The Witchsmeller Pursuivant:
[to Prince Harry] My Lord, you see how the duck still possesses him.