The Comedians of Comedy

Patton Oswalt:
Cirque du Soleil is what a gay French dude sees in his head when he's tired and horny.

Brian Posehn:
When I'm late it matters, but when everybody else is late it doesn't matter... If that's the rule then just write it down and then I know, you know... I'll read it and I'll write it down on my balls. Right here. Right here on the back of my balls is where I'll write it. On the very back. I'll just lift them and write it nicely.

Patton Oswalt:
Zach Galifianakis thirsts for cock.

Parrot:
Zach Galifianakis thirsts for cock.

Zach Galifianakis:
It isn't a thirst, really.

Zach Galifianakis:
I don't mean to be gross, but the only time it's ok to say, 'I have diarrhea,' is when you're playing Scrabble....... because it's worth a shitload of points.