The Dictator

[from trailer]

General Aladeen:
Is there any way you could lend me some money? Maybe... 20 million dollars?

General Aladeen:
Why are you guys so anti-dictators? Imagine if America was a dictatorship. You could let 1% of the people have all the nation's wealth. You could help your rich friends get richer by cutting their taxes. And bailing them out when they gamble and lose. You could ignore the needs of the poor for health care and education. Your media would appear free, but would secretly be controlled by one person and his family. You could wiretap phones. You could torture foreign prisoners. You could have rigged elections. You could lie about why you go to war. You could fill your prisons with one particular racial group, and no one would complain. You could use the media to scare the people into supporting policies that are against their interests.

Doctor:
[Aladeen rewrote the language so his name means both "positive" and "negative"] Do you want the Aladeen news or the Aladeen news?

Patient:
The Aladeen news?

Doctor:
You're HIV-Aladeen.

General Aladeen:
[to his pregnant wife] Are you having a boy or an abortion?

Pregnant Woman:
You two make a cute couple. But could you do this later? When you're not *elbow deep in my P*SSY!*

Nadal:
I am a mac genius.

General Aladeen:
So what do you do?

Nadal:
Mostly I clean semen out of laptops.

General Aladeen:
Oh it's a girl. I'm so sorry. Where's the trashcan?

General Aladeen:
Sub Saharan, can you have 150 child warriors here by 5:00pm?

Nadal:
When the thought of someones decapitated head upsets you, that is love.

General Aladeen:
You seem educated.

Zoey:
Yes, I went to Amherst.

General Aladeen:
I love it when women go to school. It's like seeing a monkey on rollerskates. It means nothing to them, but it's so adorable for us.

General Aladeen:
From the mountain tops of North Korea to the jungles of Zimbabwe, let every child labourer and sweat shop factory worker sing... Oppressed at last! Oppressed at last! Thank Aladeen, I am oppressed at last!

General Aladeen:
I know there's nothing more annoying than a backseat torturer, but please, come on.

Clayton:
This is great stuff.

General Aladeen:
It's not great stuff. That's like 1972, hello...

Clayton:
You won't be talkin' smack so much with this up your butt.

General Aladeen:
That's the Anal Umbrella. It's a good device, I grant you, but where's the splash guard? You're going to kill me and your white shirt.

Zoey:
This is my store. This is a free earth collective. We are a vegan, feminist, non-profit cooperative operating within an anti-racist, anti-oppressive framework for people of all or no genders.

[Aladeen is censuring an employee for stealing]

Slade:
Who the f*** are you? Osama Bin Laden's best friend?

General Aladeen:
No, he is NOT my best friend! Although he has been staying in my guest bedroom ever since they shot his double last year. Now the guy won't leave! I now know why this guy is the most hated man in the world. You just have to go to the bathroom after him. You go to the bathroom after Osama, you will realize the true meaning of terrorism.

Zoey:
The police here are such fascists!

General Aladeen:
Yeah right, and not in a good way.

General Aladeen:
Give a man a vagina and he will shpichs for a day. Teach a man to use his hand as a vagina, and he will shpichs for a lifetime.

[last lines]

General Aladeen:
Are you okay, my love? What did you step on?

Zoey:
Oh, yes! No, no. It's my people's tradition. We always smash a glass at weddings. I'm Jewish!

General Aladeen:
What?

Zoey:
Mazel tov! Are you okay?

General Aladeen:
That's fine. I don't mind. It's great! Come here, my love. [hugs her while signaling for her to be executed]

[Megan Fox only got a gold Rolex after having sex with Aladeen]

Megan Fox:
Katy Perry said she got a diamond Rolex.

General Aladeen:
Well, she let me aladeen in her face.

[Aladeen and Nadal are dispiting the shape of the nuclear missile]

General Aladeen:
Have you consulted Professor Bobeye about this?

Nadal:
Professor who?

General Aladeen:
Bobeye. He is the one whose forearms are very large in proportion to his body.

Nadal:
I believe his name is Popeye.

General Aladeen:
Bobeye.

Nadal:
Popeye. And he is not a professor. He is, as the song says, a sailor man.

[Aladeen is trying to talk to Nadal over a cell phone lodged inside a pregnant woman]

Pregnant Woman:
[shouting] Stop talking to my vagina!

[Aladeen and Nadal are at Gotham Helicopter Tours, preparing to board the helicopter]

Nadal:
Here's the plan: We're going to take this helicopter tour and fly over the Lancaster to spot its weaknesses. Remember, we're just two ordinary American tourists looking at the sights.

General Aladeen:
[Wearing an American flag jogging suit and a sheriff's badge] Don't worry, nobody gonna suspect anything. It's a great plan, pointy.

Nadal:
Don't do anything to arouse any suspicions.

General Aladeen:
Don't worry, I am Wadiya's number one actor. You don't win four Wadiyan Golden Globes for nothing.

Nadal:
Yes you do, because you gave them to yourself!

General Aladeen:
My performance in 'Aladeen Jones and the Temple of Doom' was outstanding.

Nadal:
I gave it thumbs down.

General Aladeen:
Have you seen 'You've Got Mail Bomb'?

Nadal:
Yes, I've seen them all! They're all terrible movies! Listen to me, okay? You are a terrible actor. I urge you, right now, keep your performance small and real.

General Aladeen:
All right. Can you get me a cloak?

Nadal:
Why?

General Aladeen:
Because I think my guy would be wearing a cloak.

Nadal:
No. Your guy wears an American flag sweatsuit and a sheriff's badge.

General Aladeen:
I need the sheriff's badge.

Nadal:
For what? You're the sheriff of American douche-town!

General Aladeen:
That's rude.

Nadal:
Listen: We're going to walk over there, act very inconspicuous.

General Aladeen:
Okay, no problem.

Nadal:
This has to work.

General Aladeen:
Don't worry, just relax.

[Nadal notices Aladeen walking funny as they approach the helicopter]

Nadal:
Are you okay?

General Aladeen:
My guy has a limp. I fell off me horse at the old Bull & Bush Pub because I'm a cockney.

Nadal:
Listen, listen, okay? You need to focus up right now and be prepared to deliver a small, subtle performance.

General Aladeen:
Okay, great, okay.

Nadal:
Okay, good.

General Aladeen:
[Pulling eyelids backwards] Okay, so when we go to fly...

Nadal:
[Slaps Aladeen's hands off] Don't do that with your eyes! You can't be a Chinese person on this thing, okay?

General Aladeen:
I'm not Chink, I'm Chinese-American!

Nadal:
No, but you cannot hold your eyes! Nobody is going to think you're Chinese-American because you hold your eyes like that! It's racist, what you're doing!

General Aladeen:
Do you know it's a fact that they cannot pronounce their R's? They pronounce them as L's. So instead you know what 'rabbit' is in Chinese?

Nadal:
I don't know how to speak Chinese.

General Aladeen:
It's 'labbit'.

Nadal:
It's not 'labbit'!

General Aladeen:
Yes! 'Who Shot Loger Labbit' was a huge hit in China!

Nadal:
Nobody... It's stup... All right, I don't care! This is stupid, okay?

General Aladeen:
Okay, I'll do Filipino. I like to work, I like to talk. [pulling eyelids backwards] I like the sh*t, I do the kids.

Nadal:
[Pulling Aladeen's hands off] Stop that! Your Filipino is the same as your Chinese!

General Aladeen:
Now who's being a lacist? You're being lacist now!

Nadal:
I'm not being racist! Right now, we have to get on this helicopter and we have to act like true Americans.

General Aladeen:
I guess you don't want me to play black, then.

Nadal:
Of course, I don't want you to play black.

General Aladeen:
Okay, just throwing it out there.

Nadal:
Okay. Don't.

[Aboard the helicopter, Aladeen and Nadal are smiling at the American tourists in front of them, as Aladeen points at his sheriff's badge]

General Aladeen:
I love being an Americans! America is number one! Oh, I am from U.S.A.! My father also from U.S.A.! My great-grandfather fought in the American Civil Jihad. I am very proud to be an American. I am America's number one douche.

[Nadal sighs]

General Aladeen:
[Speaking in Wadiyan] I've fooled them. Job done.

Nadal:
[Speaking in Wadiyan] So, how are things back at the Palace?

General Aladeen:
[Speaking in Wadiyan] Fine, but guess who's still living in my guest house?

Nadal:
[Speaking in Wadiyan] Ooh, Bin Laden?

General Aladeen:
[Speaking in Wadiyan] Yes, Osama. Bin Laden flooding the bathroom every time he showers... And how hard is it to put a bath mat down, Bin Laden?

[Tourists look worried]

General Aladeen:
[Speaking in Wadiyan] Hey, do you remember my favorite sports car?

Nadal:
[Speaking in Wadiyan] You mean your Porsche?

General Aladeen:
[Speaking in Wadiyan] Yes... the 911.

Nadal:
911, it's the best!

General Aladeen:
[Speaking in Wadiyan] So I was driving the 911 near the Palace one day... [making hand gestures of driving the car] and I totally crashed!

[Aladeen and Nadal laugh as the tourists get more nervous]

General Aladeen:
[Speaking in Wadiyan] It's okay, I've already ordered a new one. A brand new 911 2012.

[Tourists get even more nervous]

Nadal:
[Speaking in Wadiyan] You know, while you are here, you should try to see some of the sights such as the Empire State Building and Yankee Stadium.

General Aladeen:
[Speaking in Wadiyan] And I'd love to see the fireworks over the Statue of Liberty. [makes exploding sounds before giving Nadal a high-five and looking at the tourists]

Nadal:
[Speaking in Wadiyan] Hey, have your old back problems been bothering you?

General Aladeen:
[Speaking in Wadiyan] Oh, it's been terrible! It got so bad that I made myself a back brace.

Nadal:
[Speaking in Wadiyan] Really?

General Aladeen:
[Speaking in Wadiyan] Yes, look, I'm still wearing it. [unzips his jacket to reveal a black vest with strings on it] Hey, my English is getting good. I bet I can count down from five faster than you can!

General Aladeen, Nadal:
Five, four, three, two, one!

[the tourists scream. Later, Aladeen and Nadal have their mug shots taken]

General Aladeen:
[Aladeen's body guard just shot himself] See? This is what happens when you set the safety switch to Aladeen instead of to Aladeen! [shoots again]

General Aladeen:
[addressing his citizens] People of Wadiya! I come here before you to tell the world that they shall bow down before our mighty nation! We are two months away from enriching weapons grade uranium!

[audience applauds]

General Aladeen:
To be used for peaceful...

[holds laughter]

General Aladeen:
purposes! It will be used for medical research and clean energy, it will! And it will certainly never be used to attack Isr...

[laughs]

General Aladeen:
Oh boy!

Zoey:
[yelling at the police after Aladeen is arrested] And I know this because I majored in Fem Lit!

General Aladeen:
$20 a day for the internet? What the f***! And they accuse me of being an international criminal?

General Aladeen:
Hey let's go, I don't want to miss the finale of the Real Housewives Of Jahalavakalinda!

General Aladeen:
[escaping from a CIA torture facility without clothes] Hey average American shopper! If you give me your clothes I will make a sizable donation in your name to Al Qaeda!

Zoey:
[after finding out Allison Burgers is General Aladeen] Oh my god! You lied to me... and you're wanted for war crimes!

General Aladeen:
Please. That stuff never sticks.

Zoey:
[yelling at the police] Is it a crime to be proud of your job?

General Aladeen:
Actually in Wadiya it's a capital offense.

Waiter:
What is your name?

General Aladeen:
My name is Allison Burgers.

Waiter:
That is a made up name. What is your real name?

General Aladeen:
My name is Ladiz.

Waiter:
Ladiz what?

General Aladeen:
Ladiz Washroom.

Waiter:
[notices sign that says "Ladies Wash Room"] Ladies Wash Room. Your name is like the sign. What is your real name?

General Aladeen:
My name is Emplyes.

Waiter:
Emplyes what?

General Aladeen:
Emplyes Mustwashhands.

Waiter:
[notices sign "Employees Must Wash Hands"] That is a made up name. Tell us your real name. We are interested. We are all interested.

General Aladeen:
My name is Max.

Waiter:
Max?

General Aladeen:
Imumoccupancy120.

Waiter:
[notices sign "Maximum Occupancy 120 Persons"] There is a number in your name. WHO ARE YOU? AN ALADEEN SYMPATHIZER?

[realizes]

Waiter:
IT'S HIM! IT'S ALADEEN!

Waiter:
[General Aladeen has wandered into a restaurant full of Wadiyan ex patriots] Welcome to the Death To Aladeen Restaurant. If you hate General Aladeen and like good food, this is the place for you.