The Extra Man

Louis Ives:
You have a strange power over people, Henry.

Henry Harrison:
It's my constant disapproval. Some find it fatherly.

[last lines]

English Narrator:
And as the young gentleman threw rice with the rest, he finally understood the words of his dear and essential friend Henry Harrison: "So there we are. Where are we?"

Henry Harrison:
As Napoleon said, "If rape is imminent..."

Louis Ives:
[alarmed at Henry's driving] Henry?...

Henry Harrison:
"... relax and enjoy it."

Henry Harrison:
You are always apologizing. Don't be so obsequious.

Henry Harrison:
This is starting to sound like an interview. You planning to write the unauthorized autobiography of an obscure playwright whose masterpiece was stolen by a hunchback?

Louis Ives:
Is it so wrong to be interested in you?

Henry Harrison:
Yes! I'm not interested in YOU. From now on I intend to give you the most misleading image possible. You may write my biography but you will never capture my soul.

Henry Harrison:
I'm against the education of women. It dulls their senses and affects their performance in the buduoir.

Henry Harrison:
Unfortunately, I said something that offended her, and we had a falling out.

Louis Ives:
What did you say that offended her?

Henry Harrison:
I told her that her ass is big, that she's a saddleback and possibly a moral imbecile.

Louis Ives:
Henry, that seems a lot to recover from.

[after their night at the opera, Henry and Louis chat before retiring. Henry explains his role as an "Extra Man", and Louis aspires aloud to becoming Henry's assistant. Henry mentions that his lady friend has an attractive young niece. Suddenly... ]

Henry Harrison:
Are we having a conversation?

Louis Ives:
Yes, I'd say so.

Henry Harrison:
Well, it has to stop. We should know as little about each other as possible. Good relationships have this foundation. Now goodnight!

Henry Harrison:
I forgive you, Gershon. You mustn't sin anymore. No sin against your fellow man. No sin against your body. Follow the Bible. Work. Work on your soul. Pray for enlightenment. Who knows, maybe Louis and I will get some too - we live just upstairs.

Henry Harrison:
What are you reading there?

Louis Ives:
Henry James.

Henry Harrison:
It's unreadable. I mean, his early work wasn't as bad. He burned himself, you know. He sat on a stove and shriveled his testicles. That may account for his sudden change of style.

Louis Ives:
I didn't know that.

Henry Harrison:
So, there we are. Where are we?

Louis Ives:
Sorry?

Henry Harrison:
I like to say that sometimes, before retiring.

English Narrator:
A gentleman and his impulses must live in constant negotiation.

Henry Harrison:
Primarily, I'm a playwright.

Louis Ives:
Really? Have I seen any of your work?

Henry Harrison:
Sadly, my great opus was stolen by a Swiss hunchback - but that's all too tragic to go into now.

Henry Harrison:
I can't be seen when I'm dancing! Whew! I forgot you were here.

Louis Ives:
Well, I... I...

Henry Harrison:
Next time I exercise, I'll make sure that you're OUT, but sometimes the NEED is just too great!

Louis Ives:
No problem!

Henry Harrison:
I must keep in shape, you know. I try to move whatever I think is rotting.

Louis Ives:
So, you see sex as the cause of all of society's problems?

Henry Harrison:
Absolutely. You'll find I'm to the right of the Pope on most of these issues.

Henry Harrison:
It's suppose to be an unseasonably beautiful weekend, courtesy of global warming.

Henry Harrison:
You can get me off this God-forsaken beach! I need alcohol and civilization!

Henry Harrison:
I don't want your sympathy. I only want your absence.

Henry Harrison:
Gershon was a slave to his libido. He used to bring prostitutes from the Bronx into his apartment, and they would steal things. He couldn't stop, so he turned to me for help. I told him to develop other interests, like reading the dictionary to improve his vocabulary, and bicycle riding - which so far has worked wonders. Course, he's still an obsessive masturbator.

Henry Harrison:
There's a dwarf in that picture!

Lois Huber:
It's a child, Henry.

Henry Harrison:
Yes, quite right. Speaking of children, I'd like to introduce you to my young houseguest, Louis Ives.