The Family

Fred Blake:
Is everything all right?

Maggie Blake:
Nothing much, just the prospect of packing up and moving again when they find out you killed the plumber.

Fred Blake:
I didn't kill him, I took him to the hospital.

Maggie Blake:
Why'd you beat him to a pulp? He's the only plumber within a radius of 20 miles.

Fred Blake:
But he disrespected us and he made you wait on him, honey.

Maggie Blake:
Geez, honey, I survived.

Fred Blake:
And you know the guy was trying to rip me off, so put yourself in my shoes.

Maggie Blake:
Oh, I definitely wouldn't have beaten him up. I mean, who's gonna fix the pipes now?

Fred Blake:
Well who's gonna rebuild the supermarket that burned down the day we got here? Huh?

Belle Blake:
[after beating Andre with a tennis racket] Hey boys, is this your approach to women? You're not gonna get very far. Girls are not some toys that you f*** in the park! Okay? Your future depends on women, don't you care about your future? So take care of them, or else you're not gonna have one.

Maggie Blake:
[Whispering into a party guest's ear] You're gonna take that silverware and put it where you found it, nice and easy, or else I'm gonna break both your arms.

Warren Blake:
Have you ever noticed the number of things dad is capable of expressing just with the word "f***"?

Belle Blake:
Trying to say dad is illiterate?

Warren Blake:
No, I mean he's a good old boy, so you know he talks to be understood, not just to sound good. So from him a "f***" would mean "holly sh*t, what did I just get myself into" or "great pasta" or "I'm gonna get that guy for that". So, why do a guy like that need to stay up all night writing? He could already express the entire range of human emotions, with a single word.

Fred Blake:
[narrating] The only real question we should ask ourselves during our existence is: "How much is a man's life worth?" Knowing what you're worth is like knowing what day you're gonna die. Me? I'm worth 20 million dollars... and I'd hand over every last dollar to get my old life back.

Maggie Blake:
The human body was not designed to combat saturated fat like that. The butter impregnates the tissues, and then it hardens and settles like silt. It makes your aorta stiffer than a hockey stick. Whereas olive oil - caresses your insides, leaving nothing behind but its scent.

Caputo:
That's right. Oil is in the Bible.

Fred Blake:
[narrating] Al Capone always said, asking polite with a gun in your hand is always better than just asking polite.

Fred Blake:
[writing his memoirs] I won't spare myself. I'll tell the story without trying to make myself look good. But in this chapter I'll do the opposite and demonstrate to you that if you take a closer look, I'm a good guy. I'll prove it to you in 10 points. A bit like one of Letterman's Late Show Top 10 Lists. So here we go...

Fred Blake:
10: I am always up front. Always.

[sneaks up and shoots a couple of guys in a car]

Fred Blake:
Number 9: I never look for a scape goat.

[tied up and laughing at thugs that are beating him up]

Fred Blake:
Number 8: If you give me a job, I'll always see it through.

[dunking a guy into liquid nitrogen]

Fred Blake:
Number 7: I've never shown contempt for people who fear me.

[robbing some Hasidic Jews]

Fred Blake:
Number 6: I've never betrayed the guy who gave me my first gun.

[refuses to identify Fat Willy in court]

Fred Blake:
Number 5: I never wished any harm on anybody.

[demonstrates his influence over street cops]

Fred Blake:
Number 4: I lived outside the law, but only outlaws didn't judge me.

[schmoozing with wise guys]

Fred Blake:
Number 3: Anybody who doesn't contradict me can expect nothing but good things from me.

[pays off a photographer to not photograph him]

Fred Blake:
Number 2: In my neighborhood when I was running it, there was never a single robbery on the street.

[glad-handing around town]

Fred Blake:
People lived and slept peacefully.

Fred Blake:
Number 1 of the top 10 reasons why I'm a good guy? I don't like to cause pain for no reason, because all my sadistic urges are satisfied when I cause pain for a good reason.

[beating the plumber with a baseball bat until the bat breaks]

Fred Blake:
Wait, I'm not f***in' finished.

[grabs a 3-pound hammer from the plumber's bag]

Fred Blake:
I didn't always do the right thing by both of youse. And I put you in a tricky situation. And I regret that.

Belle Blake:
Dad. Dad. What are you talking about? Your are the *best* dad anybody could ever ask for.

Fred Blake:
Really?

Belle Blake:
F***, yeah!

Fred Blake:
Oh, well, let's go party then.

Priest:
I was expecting a parishioner who can't make it, apparently. Would you like to take his place for confession?

Maggie Blake:
Me? Oh, I confess, it's been years since I went to confession.

Robert Stansfield:
You're not a writer, Fred.

Fred Blake:
You even said I have a style of my own.

Robert Stansfield:
You're just a mean son-of-a-b*tch that managed to save his own ass.

Priest:
Your confession has haunted me all week. How can you live such a hellish existence?

Maggie Blake:
Isn't that the point of confession?

Priest:
Your family is the incarnation of evil, and your life is a never-ending pact with the devil! Leave this holy place, for the love of God!

Fred Blake:
Can't you just sit down and relax and enjoy it? In our long friendship, this is our first ever guys' night out.

Robert Stansfield:
[scoffing] Friendship?

Fred Blake:
Yeah. I mean, you're probably the guy I hate the most in this whole f***in' world, but we've known each other what, nine, ten years already? My freedom is based on the deep respect that I have for you.

Robert Stansfield:
Explain how that works. How can we have a friendship when you hate me?

Fred Blake:
It works just fine. Look at my best friends, I killed them all.

Robert Stansfield:
[speechless]

Fred Blake:
Just kidding.

Robert Stansfield:
If I find out that you had anything even remotely to do with this, you're going to go away for a hell of a long time.

Fred Blake:
Clam down, I was with *you* all night.

Robert Stansfield:
That's the problem, your alibi is too good.

Rocco:
[holding gun on her] You're not a little girl any more, Belle.

Belle Blake:
F*** you.

Rocco:
Thank you.

[last lines]

Fred Blake:
This morning I was worth 20 million dollars. I'm probably worth double that now. I've cheated death so many times in my life, I don't even think about it any more. It's like getting caught outside in a storm. You just have to avoid being hit by the lightning.

Fred Blake:
But all things considered, I had a pretty good day. My family is more together than we've ever been, the water in town ain't brown no more, and for a couple of hours, I was the toast of the local film society in Cholong-sur-Avre. In fact, the only thing that's pissing me off now is that I have to rewrite this entire f***in' book. And we have to change our names again. Son of a b*tch!

Bernie:
[finding her hiding place] Hey, Maggie.

Maggie Blake:
Hey, Bernie.

Bernie:
It's good to see you again.

Maggie Blake:
The feeling's not mutual, Bernie.

Maggie Blake:
Hey. Did you guys see the kids go out? They're not in their rooms.

Caputo:
No. They're supposed to be at home.

Maggie Blake:
Oh, yeah, well. I guess they must have snuck out. That's what kids their age do, right?

Caputo:
Maggie, do you have any idea where they could be?

Maggie Blake:
No. I guess if you'd let them have cell phones, we could find out.

Di Cicco:
Maggie, look. Stan's activated the emergency plan. You're leaving tonight.

Maggie Blake:
[concerned] What's wrong? Things went badly at the film society?

Di Cicco:
It was a complete disaster.

[scene switches to the film society; all the people in attendance are giving Fred a standing ovation]

Rocco:
[handing Bernie a big automatic rifle] Happy?

Bernie:
Very.

Maggie Blake:
Listen, sweetie, I don't know the boy, but you have to be a bit of a dork to prefer math to a beautiful girl. You know what I'm saying?

Belle Blake:
By the time I'm done with him, he won't be able to count on his fingers.

Robert Stansfield:
[while driving in car] Jesus, the police switchboard is down!

Fred Blake:
What's goin' on?

Robert Stansfield:
I don't know, but if I find out if you had anything even remotely to do with this, you're gonna go away for a hell of a long time.

Fred Blake:
Calm down. I was with you all night.

Robert Stansfield:
That's the proble. Your alibi is too good.

Maggie Blake:
So who is he?

Belle Blake:
He's this teacher at the school... ah, uh, he will be a teacher. He has his exams soon, and he's been giving me private lessons.

Maggie Blake:
[With innuendo] Private lessons?

Belle Blake:
Math lessons, Mom!

Maggie Blake:
Fine. You have condoms at least?

Belle Blake:
Mom!

Maggie Blake:
What?

Belle Blake:
We do the lessons at school in the study hall!

Maggie Blake:
So...? You know, desire smeaks up on you, honey. It never waits for the right time or place.