The Full Monty

Police Inspector:
So your daddy dances in front of you, does he?

Nathan:
Only when he's rehearsing.

Gaz:
Told 'ya, robbing pipes, that's all.

Police officer:
Gary, my friend, no bugger robs pipes in the buff.

Gaz:
We do. Don't get your clothes dirty, do you?

Police officer:
Oh well, don't fret, gents. There's a right good laundry in Wakefield Prison!

Dave:
[discussing possible means of suicide] Drownin'. Now there's a way to go.

Lomper:
I can't swim.

Gaz:
Well you don't have to f***ing swim, you divvy, that's the whole point. God, you're not very keen are you?

Lomper:
Sorry...

Dave:
Anti-wrinkle cream there may be, but anti-fat-bastard cream there is not.

Dave:
Well, I just pray they're a bit more understanding about us, that's all.

Horse:
You what?

Dave:
Well, they're going to be looking at us like that, aren't they, Eh? I mean, what if next Friday 400 women turn 'round and say "He's too fat, he's too old and he's a pigeon-chested little tosser."? What happens then, eh?

Horse:
They wouldn't say that, would they?

Dave:
Why not? He's just said her tits are too big.

Lomper:
That's different. We're... blokes.

Dave:
Yeah, and?

Gerald:
I think she's got nice tits, actually.

Lomper:
I never said owt about her personality, like. I mean, she's probably quite nice if you get to know her.

Dave:
No. And they won't say nowt about your personality neither. Which is good 'cause you're basically a bastard. Bollocks to your personality - this is what they're looking at, right? And I'll tell you summat, mate. Anti-wrinkle cream there may be, but anti-fat-bastard cream there is none.

Gerald:
He's fat, you're thin, and you're both f***ing ugly.

Horse:
No-one said anything to me about the full monty!

Gary 'Gaz' Schofield:
Folks don't laugh so loud when you've a grand in your back pocket.

Gaz:
Y' know Dave, it's a thought...

Gerald:
Ha! I could just see Little and Large prancing around Sheffield with their widges hanging out. Now that *would* be worth 10 quid...

Gaz:
Don't be so bloody daft. We were just saying...

Gerald:
Widges on parade! Bring your own microscope!

Dave:
The less I eat, the fatter I get.

Lomper:
So stuff yourself and get thin!

Gerald Arthur Cooper:
Fat, David, is a feminist issue.

Dave:
Well, what's that supposed to mean, when it's at home?

Gerald Arthur Cooper:
I don't bloody know, do I? But it is.

Gaz:
Gentlemen, the lunchbox has landed!

Gaz:
I've got a degree in ass wiggling, mate.

Gaz:
So, uh, Horse... What can you do?

Horse:
I dunno, really... Let's see, there's the, uh... The bump, the stomp, the bus stop... Me breakdancing days are probably over, but there's always the funky chicken.

Dave:
[discussing possible means of suicide] I know. You could stand in middle of road and have a mate run smack into you right fast.

Lomper:
Haven't got any mates...

Gary 'Gaz' Schofield:
Listen to you, we just saved your f***ing life so don't tell us we're not your mates, all right?

Lomper:
Really?

Gary 'Gaz' Schofield:
Yeah.

Lomper:
Thanks. Thanks a lot.

Dave:
Yeah, me and all, I'd run ya down as soon as look at ya.

Lomper:
Oh aye? Cheers.

Dave:
We want to know about dancing that's all.

Gerald Arthur Cooper:
Dancers have coordination, skill, timing, fitness, and grace. Take a long, hard look in the mirror.

[repeated line]

Gaz:
Fookin' hell!

Gaz:
I don't suppose you could lend us a jacket...

Dave:
Oh, Gaz...

Gaz:
Oh, come on, Dave, it's not for me, it's a funeral.

Dave:
[pause] What color?

Gaz:
[pause] Orange.

Dave:
Orange?

Gaz:
*Black* for f***'s sake!

Dave:
Okay, go on, I'll meet you back doors.

[Gaz and Dave are waiting in Gerald's lawn for him to leave for work]

Dave:
He's got gnomes.

Gaz:
Aye, he bloody would have.

Lomper:
[Lomper comes in to find his mum trying to get up the stairs by herself] What are you doin', mum?

Lomper's Mum:
Where've you been?

Lomper:
Drivin'.

Lomper's Mum:
Drivin' where?

Lomper:
Just drivin'!

Lomper's Mum:
[pause] Thought you'd gone.

Horse:
No, but... what I mean to say is... my willy...

Lomper:
*Your* willy? *My* willy!

Gaz:
On Sale for ?4.99 and we're still a f***in' fiver short!

[before the first rehearsal Gaz has hurtled off to find Dave, finding him working as a security guard in Asda]

Gaz:
Dave! What are you doing?

Dave:
What's it look like?

Gaz:
We're on in two days time, where the f*** are you?

Dave:
I'm here, working, earning, that's where. Not pissing about! End of chat!

Gaz:
Off to Job Club then?

Gerald:
As a matter of fact, yes I bloody well am! [he turns to Dave, who is still holding one of his garden gnomes] Put that back! *PUT* it back!

Gaz:
I need an audience

Dave:
You need a doctor!

Gaz:
Oh, f***ing hell, Nath! They're 20 quid each them!

Gaz:
[stuck with Dave on top of a car in the middle of a canal] Ey up, someone's coming.

Passer-By:
All right?

Gaz:
Aye, not so bad.

Dave:
[after the Passer-by leaves] Not so bad? Not so bad? That's not much of a chuffing SOS is it?

Gerald:
[Gerald is seated at a computer at Job Club accessing data while Gaz and the others are talking and playing cards and not filling out requested forms] Button it, you lot. Some of us are trying to get a job. Ey! And it says "No Smoking" in here!

Gary 'Gaz' Schofield:
Aye, and it says "Job Club" up there. When was the last time you saw one of them f***in' walk in? You forget, Gerald, you're not our foreman anymore. You're just like the rest of us: scrap.

Gerald:
Shut it! Right?

Dave:
[to Gaz] Don't you EVER call me a fat bastard again!

Dave:
[after learning that two of their friends are gay] Ah, well, there's nowt as queer as folk...

[begins laughing]

Dave:
[When presented with the first images of "Flashdance"] Hey, what's this? I didn't go on the nick in Asda for some chuffin' women's DYI video!

Gaz:
It's "Flashdance", Dave. She's a welder, isn't she!

Dave:
A welder? Well, I hope she dances better than she welds! I mean, look at that - her mix is all to cock!

Dave:
Shut up, Dave. What the f*** do you know about welding, anyway?

Dave:
More than some chuffin' woman! Arh, it's like Bonfire Night! That's too much acetylene, is that! Them joints will hold f*** all!

Gerald:
Arh, for Christ's sake, Dave. We're looking for dancing, aren't we!

Gaz:
He's got the hump about Asda!

Dave:
[Gaz tries to convince Dave to steal a videotape] Why me?

Gaz:
Because you've got an honest face, lad; I've got "serial killer" written on me forehead.

Nathan:
[after a failed dance routine] That were crap!

Sheryl:
And who's gonna see [pops her eyes out] *Your mates*? We had the real thing up here the other day!

Dave:
[nodding at Horse] Oh aye, I can just see him doing all that twizzling about bollocks!

Gerald:
You're always ahead there!

Gaz:
You're always bloody behind, more like

Gerald:
[to policeman] Can I borrow this? [he rewinds the clipping of the CCTV showing their strip act]

Gerald:
[to giggling police officers behind them] Shut up will ya? Watch

Police officer:
[to Gaz] He's right. You're ahead.

Gaz:
Bollocks!

Dave:
Put down and piss off.

Horse:
I think I'm going to be sick

Dole Clerk:
Have you been actively looking for work in the last fortnight?

Horse:
Yes

Dole Clerk:
Have you done any work, paid or unpaid in the last fortnight?

Horse:
No

Dole Clerk:
That's not what I've heard