The Greatest American Hero

[about a woman who said she saw a sea monster]

Bill Maxwell:
She probably thought she saw what she said she thought she saw.

Bill Maxwell:
You're about as religious as a Las Vegas nightclub owner.

Bill Maxwell:
Freeze! F.B.I.! You're busted, fella!

Ralph Hinkley:
Bill, are you OK? What's wrong with your knees?

Bill Maxwell:
Fear. Or... I'm drunk.

Ralph Hinkley:
No, you're not drunk.

Bill Maxwell:
Then I'm alive!

[laughs nervously]

Bill Maxwell:
Thank you, Ralph. Thanks very much!

Ralph Hinkley:
It's a bird. It's a plane. It's... [chuckles] Ralph Hinkley.

Bill Maxwell:
You get to be vice principal. Counselor... she's a junior partner. Yours truly, Dumbo Maxwell's chuggin' across the finish line... folks up in the gallery yellin' down "Go, geezer! Go!"

Bank Robber:
Who are you?

Ralph Hinkley:
The tooth fairy. [punch]

Bill Maxwell:
They give... and office like THIS to a kid... a GIRL? Come on now, counselor. I wasn't born yesterday.

Pam Davidson:
No, it was more like 1880, wasn't it, Bill?

Bill Maxwell:
That's very funny.

Bill Maxwell:
This stinks. I hate this.

Pam Davidson:
I am disgusted with the both of you.

Ralph Hinkley:
Why?

Bill Maxwell:
About what?

Pam Davidson:
I don't know yet.

Bill Maxwell:
She may be your girlfriend but she's my counselor and nobody messes with her. That's it.

Pam Davidson:
How about SCENARIO, Bill?

Pam Davidson:
I wouldn't use that phone, Bill. The hospital may want you for a lobotomy.

Ralph Hinkley:
You can't go because... WE'RE THE PACKAGE, BILL! Those little green guys they... they didn't pick us out by accident! We're supposed to do this as long as it takes. How many times have you told that to me?

Tony Villicana:
Pick your friends carefully huh? Alright, so maybe I'll pick a friend.

Ralph Hinkley:
Who ya gonna pick, Tony?

Tony Villicana:
I'll pick you.

Ralph Hinkley:
Hey, Tony, thank you. Thank you. I accept.

Bill Maxwell:
OK, let's not panic.

Pam Davidson:
I feel like panicking. I can panic if I want to panic.

Ralph Hinkley:
Pamela I love you very much and... I would like us to be a real team.

Pam Davidson:
[cries] Ralph, are you asking me to marry you?

Ralph Hinkley:
Yes I am.

Pam Davidson:
[cries, then nods happily] Yes.

Pam Davidson:
You go in there and you know what's going to happen? You're going to be sent away for so long, when you get out this suit's going to actually be in style.

Bill Maxwell:
C'mon... You'll do it for Bill. Old Uncle Bill. Old Uncle Wild Bill. Who loves ya, baby? Eh?

Pam Davidson:
You're over-doing it "Uncle Bill"

Bill Maxwell:
And so we went to NewFOUNDland to make friends with all the whales and a bunch of little fishies

Ralph Hinkley:
Bill, I've got an idea

Bill Maxwell:
Good, put it to me in a letter, I'll try to get back to you by the end of the month

Ralph Hinkley:
You see what I mean? Like right now for instance. You're not even listening to me. I mean, for all I know, we could be driving into the biggest shootout of this century

Bill Maxwell:
[not listening] Yeah, kid. I'll work on that for ya

Ralph Hinkley:
Bill, are you alright?

Bill Maxwell:
[Panting] Just a little... cardiac seizure, no problem. How can a guy... that looks like he's smuggling basketballs run so fast?

Mickey Michaelson:
Who are you?

Ralph Hinkley:
He's a friend.

Ralph Hinkley:
Oh, terrific. Now I can join a flea circus!

Ralph Hinkley:
Singing telegram for Miss Peterson! Uh, I'm supposed to meet a gorilla and a belly dancer. No, wrong room.

[singing]

Ralph Hinkley:
Have a lovely day, Have a lovely day, Have a lovely, lovely day.

Ralph Hinkley:
And remember, singing telegram, 555-5800. Bye-bye.

Norm:
He's got a super guy suit on here, Mr. S.

Johnny Sanova:
What have I been telling you?

Bill Maxwell:
[With emphasis] Ralph, this is Robert Alan Kline.

Ralph Hanley:
Bill, I don't care if the guy knows James Bond! He can at least be polite!

Bill Maxwell:
He *is* James Bond, Ralph. Can you get that? Now put a lid on it, before I wind up working in a parking lot.

Ralph Hanley:
I get so angry Bill, these guys treat us like we're a couple of amateurs and we're the only two people up here that can crack this thing!

Bill Maxwell:
Yeah! CIA stands for creeps in action. If they just open up with the info, we could crack this thing like an Easter egg.

Ralph Hinkley:
Pam... Pam will be out in a minute.

Bill Maxwell:
Well, uh... don't tell her to hurry, uh. We don't want get there early you know to uh... stadium full of a hard thousand uh... screamin', stompin' kids.

Ralph Hinkley:
Bill, c'mon! That's just Dak's way of saying thank you. Besides, do you know how many people would give their eye, tooth to sit front row center at an Elvira concert?

Bill Maxwell:
Do you have any idea the statistics of kids that go deaf at these things? We're all going to wind up uh... watching TV shows with closed captions here!

Ralph Hinkley:
Bill. You're wearing guns to a concert? C'mon!

Bill Maxwell:
You can't be too careful at a place like that.

Motorcycle Cop:
[as Ralph goes running and leaping past] This is 16-Mary in pursuit of eastbound mental case.

Ralph Hanley:
I can't for the life of me fly straight; I crash more often than the commodity market. I'm not equipped to do this job, Pam. What do I know about being a...

Pam Davidson:
A hero?

Ralph Hanley:
I'm about as heroic as a chicken sandwich.

Lone Ranger:
Everybody loves the Lone Ranger.

Ralph Hanley:
[in a deep, dramatic voice] "Some thought he was on the side of the outlaw, many knew him as a lone rider dealing out justice to the law-abiding citizenry. None knew where he came from and none knew where he went."

Lone Ranger:
Hey, you really are a fan.

Ralph Hanley:
Oh, you bet, you bet I am. Only when I was a kid it didn't sound so, uh...

Lone Ranger:
So, uh, corny?

Ralph Hanley:
Yeah.

Lone Ranger:
See, I don't think it's corny. I think it's important. In the cold light justice and morality always look corny. And you can't wave the flag and look cool. But like it or not, our society needs its heroes.

Ralph Hanley:
Anybody in a mask tried dealing out justice today they'd probably lock him up.

Lone Ranger:
Well, maybe. But I don't think that'd stop the Lone Ranger. Do you?

Ralph Hanley:
[Thoughtfully] No.

Ralph Hanley:
[to the discouraged Bill] Like it or not, Bill, I have a responsibility. This world needs its heroes, ya know? This society needs someone to look up to.

Pam Davidson:
We got that straight from the Lone Ranger.

Sgt. Jenson:
You're the only one that can save the world from destruction. If you fail... this planet will simply turn to dust.

Pam Davidson:
Let's go watch cartoons.

Ralph Hanley:
Bill, now let's think a minute. Why did the extra-terrestrial beings give us, give me the suit? I mean, I don't know anything about international espionage or high-tech crime! [Voice breaks on the last word]

Bill Maxwell:
You're gonna have to put some more honey in your tea Ralph. You're about to lose it all together.

Bill Maxwell:
Suppose, that I can prove to you that this Torchy Tanner is the guy that I say he is, and that he was there to rip-off the building, and that you used the suit to make a hero out of a real slime ball. Now would you give up on this, huh? Would you? Would you? Would you?

Ralph Hanley:
[sighs] I don't know.

Bill Maxwell:
C'mon! You'd do it for Bill. Old Uncle Bill. Old Uncle Wild Bill. Who loves you baby. Huh? Huh? Huh?

Pam Davidson:
You're overdoing it, Uncle Bill.

Pam Davidson:
[after Ralph tells her about the suit] My parents are coming in next week from Michigan to meet you. Let's try the the little suit and the Lois Lane jokes on them. They're gonna love it!

Bill Maxwell:
[meeting Tony for the first time] If you're looking for trouble, you've just come across the West Coast distributor.

Ralph Hinkley:
I'm not quitting my job. How am I supposed to eat? Go down to the welfare office and stand in the Superhero line?

Ralph Hinkley:
Look at it this way, you're one step ahead of Lois Lane. She never found out who Clark Kent really was.

Bill Maxwell:
If I'm not supposed to run this show, then why did our friends from the twilight zone put me aboard?

Pam Davidson:
Comic relief?

Ralph Hinkley:
I mean I could kill the guy who designed this suit. Why couldn't it have... narrow lapels and a cutaway jacket? Why'd it have to be long johns and a cape?

Ralph Hinkley:
Pam Davidson, my attorney, this is Bill Maxwell. We're in the superhero business together.

Ralph Hinkley:
[after confiscating a switchblade from Tony] Take any more of these things off you, I'm gonna have to open a shop in Tijuana.

Ralph Hinkley:
[having just learned from a dead man on the car radio that he will get a super suit] A suit? I don't need a suit, I got plenty of suits.

Pam Davidson:
[Ralph is driving Pam's convertible wearing his super suit] At least sit on the cape!

Pam Davidson:
[to Ralph, who is wearing the suit and planning to break into a rich man's mansion] You go in there and you know what's gonna happen? You're gonna be sent away for so long, when you get out, this suit's gonna actually be in style.

Bill Maxwell:
[to Pam] You cannot step off a roller coaster, honey, just because it's going too fast.

Ralph Hinkley:
He's right. We're in this, we have to do something.

Bill Maxwell:
Whoa. Correct me if I'm wrong, but is this not our very first point of agreement, on anything?

Ralph Hinkley:
I believe it is, Bill.

Bill Maxwell:
Well, a ray of sunshine. Shall we dance?

Pam Davidson:
Are you saying this insanity has something to do with getting Taft in the Oval Office?

Bill Maxwell:
Well, we're just running it past the scanner, sweetheart, trying to find a little radio activity.

Rhonda Blake:
You know, I'm getting real tired of being trash.

Tony Villicana:
Hey, come on, Rhonda, you ain't trash.

Rhonda Blake:
Oh, Tony, that's the way everybody treats me. Everybody except him.

Rhonda Blake:
You think I'm cheap?

Ralph Hinkley:
[uncomfortable] Uh... look, Rhonda.

Rhonda Blake:
My mother thinks I'm cheap, heh. But then, she's cheap, so, eh, how whould she know?

Bill Maxwell:
Well, what I got here, what you don't got, Mr. Hinkley, is a dead partner. If you will recall, somebody shot him full o' holes, which is a definite no-no in my book. That's the same one I mentioned a moment ago, the one I go by.

Ralph Hinkley:
They wanna do the Ralph Hinkley story, but they don't wanna do it realisticaly.

Pam Davidson Hinkley:
Why should they, Ralph? There's nothing realistic about any of this.

Alien:
Mr Hinkley, we saw you on the Dick Cavett show.

Ralph Hinkley:
Dick Cavett, huh? [laughs] I didn't know you could get that stuff up here. That's great. [thinks about it] What am I saying, I mean, of course they get that stuff up here, you probably have eh, you probably have cable up here too, don't ya?

Ralph Hinkley:
Excuse me, about the instruction book...

Alien:
We''ve given you two already, Mr. Hinkley. Surely you haven't lost it again?

Ralph Hinkley:
Eh, no, no of course not.

Alien:
Good. Because we have no more to give.

Bill Maxwell:
It was gonna be a very extensive search, because old Ralph couldn't pick his trusted friend, Maxwell, who was obviously best suited for the job and to receive El Suito. No, no, he had to pick somebody new.

Timothy:
This is fun!

Sarah Hathaway:
It's ok, but personally, I prefer paint brushes.

Timothy:
What are paint brushes?

Sarah Hathaway:
Oh Timothy, you're still so young.

Bill Maxwell:
Ralph, you did it to me, didn't you? [looks at Pam] He did it, didn't he? [shouting] You picked a skirt!

Pam Davidson Hinkley:
He picked a woman.

Holly Hathaway:
Ralph, you were right, this cape is so cumbersome and - you know, I'm not so sure about these little shoes, they're so blah. Maybe we could go with a nice pump?

Ralph Hinkley:
Eh, Holly, I think you'd better forget redesigning the suit, I think the green guys are kinda locked into this model.

Sarah Hathaway:
You're sort of an uptight kind of guy, aren't you, Mr. Maxwell?

Bill Maxwell:
I didn't know that you had any. Kids.

Holly Hathaway:
Oh, eh, Sarah, she's not really mine. I'm her foster parent.

Bill Maxwell:
Oh...

Holly Hathaway:
It's hard to believe that somebody would just throw a child like her out, isn't it?

Bill Maxwell:
Yeah, it's got me stumped.

Bill Maxwell:
[whips out his badge] Ok, welcome to trouble with Maxwell. Failure to answer the question gets you an all expenses paid vacation at the fed pen of your choice. Courtesy of that super power to the South.

Bartender:
F.B.I.?

Bill Maxwell:
F.B.I.!

Holly Hathaway:
F.B.I.

Bill Maxwell:
Ralph, you really did it to me didn't you? He did it, didn't he? You picked a skirt!

Pam Davidson:
He picked a *woman*.

Ralph Hinkley:
Bill, I passed it on. The suit.

Bill Maxwell:
You passed on the suit? To somebody... else? Without even asking, without running it by me, without checkin- How could you do that to me kid?

Ralph Hinkley:
It's right Bill. I know it is. Now the green guys said, that when I found the right person I would know it and I know it Bill! She's the right person Bill, isn't she the right person?

Bill Maxwell:
Yeah, well she may be the right person for *him*, but what about- She?

Ralph Hinkley:
What did I tell you?

Pam Davidson Hinkley:
Hang tough, hun.

Bill Maxwell:
Ralph! You did it to me, didn't you? He did it, didn't he? You picked a skirt!

Pam Davidson Hinkley:
He *picked* a woman.

Bill Maxwell:
No! That's bad enough you wouldn't fight for your own pal Maxwell, to get the suit. That's- that's hard enough to swallow. Now you got me paired up with Nancy Drew!

Ralph Hinkley:
Holly Hathaway.

Bill Maxwell:
Who?

Ralph Hinkley:
Holly...

Bill Maxwell:
Who cares?

Ralph Hinkley:
Bill, give her a chance. I already told her all about you.

Pam Davidson Hinkley:
But he lied, so you're safe.

Sarah Hathaway:
You must be Mr. Maxwell. My name is Sarah, I live here. Can I get you something to drink?

Bill Maxwell:
Well, uh... stiff scotch wouldn't be bad. [Chuckles]

Sarah Hathaway:
We don't encourage alcohol in our home, Mr. Maxwell. If you need scotch to help you through a situation, then you may have the beginnings of a serious social problem.

Bill Maxwell:
How old are you?

Sarah Hathaway:
Almost seven. How about you?

Bill Maxwell:
None of your business.

Sarah Hathaway:
You look about fifty. You ever have a facelift?

Bill Maxwell:
No, I never have. How about you?

Sarah Hathaway:
I'm too young.

Bill Maxwell:
Oh.

Sarah Hathaway:
You touch up your hair yourself or have it done?

Bill Maxwell:
I bet you got some chores to do somewhere or something, don't you?

Sarah Hathaway:
Are you trying to get rid of me?

Sarah Hathaway:
Yeah.

Sarah Hathaway:
You're sort of an uptight kind of guy, aren't you Mr. Maxwell?

Bill Maxwell:
I'm not applying for a job here, kiddo. I can do without the interview, OK?

Sarah Hathaway:
I'm just trying to get to know you. You wanna hear the questions I ask the guys Holly dates?

Bill Maxwell:
[after Ralph breaks Bill's car door] Ralph! What are my going to tell Carlisle?

Ralph Hanley:
Does he even ask anymore?

Bill Maxwell:
Yes! He does ask! Every day, about the cars.

Pam Davidson Hinkley:
[Viewing old footage of Bill when he was younger] Oh my God, Bill. That's really you! You did it.

Bill Maxwell:
Do you have to sound so surprised?

Ralph Hinkley:
You weren't half bad looking, Bill. What happened?

Bill Maxwell:
Keep the jokes coming, kiddo. I love 'em, but that's me and I did it.

I dont want to sleep, lets go watch cartoons.