The Guru

Vijay:
Do you know why they call it the American Dream? Because it only happens when you are asleep.

Vijay:
Name one famous Indian in America.

Sanjay:
That guy from the Simpsons.

Vijay:
He is a cartoon!

Vijay:
[shouting while knockin at the door of his roomates] IMIGRATION!

Mira:
Ramu is on TV!

Mrs. Gupta:
What he is talking about?

Nana:
Sexual intercourse.

Hank the Cameraman:
[wedding guests are unaware that Hank is a porno cameramen] Pretend that I'm not here.

Father:
Enough of this swapping of spit! Let's celebrate!

Ramu Gupta:
Why are you afraid?

Kitty:
What makes you think that I'm afraid?

Ramu Gupta:
I feel it.

Hoseman:
Rusty! My heart beats for you. [everyone else looks around perplexed]

Sharonna:
I'm engaged to a nice, normal guy. Do you know how hard it is to find a nice, normal guy in New York?

Dwain:
Alright, you wanna lose the pants?

Ramu Gupta:
Is that part of the movie?

Dwain:
Could be.

Ramu Gupta:
Is the Mercedes in the shop or something?

Vijay:
Or something.

Ramu Gupta:
[Upon seeing the apartment] You're a real bastard, you know that?

Vijay:
You have a roof over your head, clothes on your back, food in your belly, what more do you want?

Ramu Gupta:
I want what you promised.

Ramu Gupta:
You need to do your own thing. Live your own life. [walks away angrily]

Lexi:
I'm going to meditate on that.

Ramu Gupta:
The most powerful sexual organ is your brain. Think about it. [Faces woman] Are you thinking?

Turned-on Woman:
My whole body is about to think!

Rasphal the Cook:
Is he doing the Macarena?

Chantal:
I give you Swami Bu.

Vijay:
Swami, you're on.

[a drunk Swami collapses]

Vijay:
Swami Bu has gone to another dimension.

Chantal:
What's wrong? You haven't been up here since the Reagan administration.

Lexi:
You can't just go away.

[shouting]

Lexi:
I have abandonment issues!

Sanjay:
[awestruck] I talked to a real live pornstar... and she sounded naked!

Chantal:
Lexi, can I see you in the kitchen?

Lexi:
Do you know where it is?

Lexi:
Mother, when you realize that not all people of color were put here to serve you?

Chantal:
Lexi, darling, how can say that? I've served food to the homeless. Good food. Food I'd eat myself if I still ate carbs.

Ramu Gupta:
[walks into the apartment, and Sanjay and Vijay are watching a porno with Sharonna in it] What are you watching?

Vijay:
[makes a sex motion] M-M-M-M-My Sharonna. Mmm, Mmm, Mmm, Mmm, Mmm.

Ramu Gupta:
YOU BASTARDS! TURN IT OFF! [jumps on Sanjay]

Sanjay:
You've never seen Good Will Hunting?

Vijay:
We also have Star Wars, Episode 69.

Sharonna:
My p*ssy is the gateway to my soul.

Chantal:
Edwin, is that you? You haven't been up here since the Reagan administration.

Rusty McGee:
[Ramu pretends to be fixing toilet after Rusty gets home early and surprises them] Why doesn't he have any tools?

Sharonna:
He's a holistic plumber.