The Jackie Gleason Show

Ralph Kramden:
[Ralph and Ed practice serving a customer.Ralph pretends to be a customer and Ed makes him his hotdog] "Ya stoop,you forgot the frankfurter.Now suppose I were a real customer,and you did that?"

Ralph Kramden:
But, I'm mad, Alice. I'm mad. And I'm gonna stay mad all-l-l-l tomorrow. I'm gonna think of this and stay mad all tomorrow. I don't care what good happens to me tomorrow, I'm stayin mad! I could get a fifty dollar raise, but I'm stayin' mad! MADDDD! They could make me the president of the company, my uncle could die and leave me a million dollars, but I'm gonna stay mad! And why I get back here tomorrow night and I see Norton, pow, right in the kisser!

Alice Kramden:
[to Ed, who has locked himself in the Kramden's bedroom to escape Ralph] Okay, Ed, you can come out now.

Ed Norton:
Not unless you guarantee me safe conduct through the enemy lines.

Ralph Kramden:
[Alarm rings, just as Ralph finally heads to the bedroom for sleep. He leers at Alice with a wild, sleep-deprived expression] It's 5 O'clock! Hahhhh! Haaaa! It's 5 O'Clock. Ahhh ha ha! Get up everybody, it's 5 O'clock! 5 o'clock! Hahhhh! 5 O'CLOCK! I like 5 o'clock. [Grabs alarm clock on his way out] I'm taking it with me!

Ralph Kramden:
You're gonna get it now. You're gonna get it now and i'm bringing it right up from the floor!

Ed Norton:
[Loudly from the Norton's apartment] Shut up!

Trixie Norton:
What did you say?

Ed Norton:
You heard me, Trixie. Shut up!

Trixie Norton:
Don't ever say 'shut up' to me!

Ed Norton:
Put down that soup bowl, Trixie! Don't you throw that soup bowl! [Loud smashing sound] You could have taken the soup out first. Now you've got noodles all over the wall.

Trixie Norton:
I won't miss you next time!

Ed Norton:
Ha ha! I could do a little throwin' myself, you know. [More smashing]

Trixie Norton:
Shut up, you miserable [unintelligible] !

Ralph Kramden:
[Storming out of the bed room] I'll put a stop to this! I'll put a stop to this!

Alice Kramden:
Now Ralph, stay out of this. It's none of your business.

Ralph Kramden:
What do you mean it's none of my business? They're keeping me awake, aren't they?

Alice Kramden:
They've stopped.

Ralph Kramden:
This is a disgrace. This is a disgrace. People their age screaming and yelling at this hour of the night, keeping everybody up. And nobody else in this house is any better either. It's all gettin' terrible, every day worse, screamin', yellin', hollerin'.

Alice Kramden:
Sure they're screaming yelling and hollering for you to shut up!

Ralph Kramden:
[Dictating letter to Norton] You dirty bum.

Ed Norton:
Hey, isn't that a little rough for a starter?

Ralph Kramden:
Maybe you're right. Um... Dear Mr. Marshall...

Ed Norton:
That's better.

Ralph Kramden:
You dirty bum! You're nothing but a miserable lowlife. You ought to turn in your membership card to the human race!

Ed Norton:
Nice touch there, nice touch.

Ralph Kramden:
Thank you. After firing me after nine years of loyal service, I can truthfully say that you are the meanest man in the world. You dirty bum.

Ed Norton:
Hey, don't you think this is the time to put something about him giving you your job back?

Ralph Kramden:
What are you, an idiot or something? Just sign it. Respectfully yours, etcetera etcetera.

Alice Kramden:
[about her marriage to Ralph] Only myself to blame. My mother warned me.