The Jeff Dunham Show

Jeff Dunham:
So Achmed, how are you liking Los Angeles?

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
Oh, I do not like living in the city.

Jeff Dunham:
Why?

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
There are no morals in this city!

Jeff Dunham:
Really?

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
The only virgins left here are the Jonas Brothers.

Jeff Dunham:
So Achmed, do you have anything to say?

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
[sadly] Uh, silence. Don't forget it.

Jeff Dunham:
What's wrong tonight, Achmed?

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
Everyone looks at Achmed and sees an angry, happy-go-lucky, dead terrorist. But really, I'm more of a crying-on-the-inside kind of a guy.

Audience:
Aww.

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
Thanks.

Jeff Dunham:
Why? What's wrong?

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
Nobody, not even you, remembered my death day.

Jeff Dunham:
Your... Your... Your what?

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
My death day. I turned seven years dead yesterday. And I didn't get anything!

Jeff Dunham:
Really?

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
No, not even a letter bomb. And nothing on my Facebook wall.

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
Greetings, infidel swine!

Jeff Dunham:
Achmed!

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
What?

Jeff Dunham:
What are you doing?

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
What do you mean, what am I doing? I am exercising what you folks call freedom of speech.

Jeff Dunham:
You don't have freedom of speech where you're from?

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
Well, no, not exactly. We have freedom of speech, but the government has freedom of cutting out our tongues.

Jeff Dunham:
So that's why you're trying to become a U.S. citizen?

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
No, it is part of my master plan, to destroy America from the inside! But you did not hear it from me.

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
SILENCE! Wait for it...! I... KILL YOU!

Walter:
Dr. Young, you're a genius! You used the fact that we didn't want to be gay with each other to bring us closer. You're like a gay Yoda!