The Larry Sanders Show

Arthur:
I speak fluent bullshit.

Arthur:
Hello oh great one.

Larry:
Are you talking to me or my ass?

Larry:
You know in fact, Hank, what I was thinking was next year when we have the going away party, let me and Artie take care of the stripper because we can probably find one that doesnt know ya.

Hank Kingsley:
What about the time I chipped my tooth on the bathroom urinal? What the F*** is so comical about that!

Larry:
It was a back tooth Hank. [under his breath] I don't know how you did it.

Arthur:
You'll have to forgive Hank. His heart's in the right place but he keeps his brain in a box at home.

Larry:
Hey Warren.

Warren Beatty:
[disinterested] Hey Larry.

Larry:
Hey listen, would you like to come on my show tomorrow night and just say hello and goodbye to me? Because it's the end of the whole thing tomorrow night.

Warren Beatty:
I could say goodbye to you now.

Larry:
Thank you very much. No flipping.

Jerry Seinfeld:
Anyway Larry, we're going to enjoy watching you in syndication, after this.

Larry:
This show isn't going to be syndicated.

Jerry Seinfeld:
Oh that's right, that's me.

Arthur:
You finally got to do a sketch with the great Carol Burnett!

Larry:
It wasn't a sketch. It was a massive spastic f***-up.

Arthur:
Tomayto, tomahto!

Hank Kingsley:
[dictating "Hank's Thoughts" for a newsletter]: If I had my druthers, there would be no more world hunger.

Hank Kingsley:
Hey now!

Larry:
Now you see, I just told you to stop saying that.

Arthur:
[talking to a janitor after hours] Dimitri, my man, you and I both clean up sh*t for a living. The only difference is my sh*t talks back.

Larry:
So...

Dana Carvey:
I'll host.

Larry:
Don't host... host.

Arthur:
Your fly is undone.

Larry:
Oh, thanks.

Arthur:
Just doing my job.

Larry:
It's your job to look at my crotch?

Arthur:
I consider it one of my perks.

Stevie Grant:
I had sex with a lesbian once. Best piece of ass I ever had.

Arthur:
You're supposed to have sex with two lesbians, that's the point.

Hank Kingsley:
[giving a tour] And if you stop by here, you can say hello to my good friend, Larry Sanders. [knocks] Hey now, Larry.

Larry:
F*** off, Hank.

Hank Kingsley:
[getting back to tour] And over here...

Bruno Kirby:
I was in "The Godfather".

Hank Kingsley:
I don't think so.

Bruno Kirby:
I was in "The Godfather Part 2".

Hank Kingsley:
Oh see, I only saw part 3, the good one.

Wendy Traston:
[doing a stand-up routine] So I'm licking jelly off of my boyfriend, right? And I'm thinking, ew, I'm turning into my mother.

Hank Kingsley:
[on phone] I know you've got to fill your column but if you fill it with crap you end up with what we call in the business a crap column.

Hank Kingsley:
[trying to pitch ideas for column to stop Larry story getting out] Let me see, I'll run through these, see if anything works for you - I'm afraid of the dark, nah, didn't think so. This is hard - red wine gives me hives, I got a special thing for Asian ladies.

Larry:
We sat in the car and we talked.

Arthur:
What'd you talk about Larry, about the distinguishing marks around your dick? How else would she know?

Darlene Chapinni:
I'm going to Hank's restaurant to drop off his reading glasses.

Larry:
I'll just drop you off round the corner.

Darlene Chapinni:
The relationship with you and Hank is so cool.

Larry:
I'll just drop you off round the corner.

Hank Kingsley:
Can I ask you a question, can I? How would...

Larry:
You're not going to go and come back, are you?

Hank Kingsley:
How would you feel if I started dating Beverley?

Larry:
I'd say it was your business, your life.

Hank Kingsley:
Well I'm not into interracial dating, it never works - sex is good but in the mornign cultural differences start to raise their ugly heads.

Larry:
I believe the cultural differences would occur with you and any woman Hank.

Hank Kingsley:
I mean Larry is a wonderful guy, he's kind, funny, rich - my god he's the boss. I'd date him if I could.

Arthur:
This is Scotch whiskey; Glenlivet; single malt.

Arthur:
When you die, you'll go to heaven. You say "Hello" to God, and when God says "Hello" to you, this is what you'll smell on his breath.

Arthur:
[Artie sees Hank lying in wait for him and asks impatiently] What is it?

Hank Kingsley:
Did Larry hire some black guy with no experience?

Arthur:
He worked for WPJP.

Hank Kingsley:
WPJP? What is that, excuse me, local sh*t affiliate? Did he even consider my sister?

Arthur:
Yes! She was too dumb.

Hank Kingsley:
[Hank feigns great offense] How can you say that about my sister?

Arthur:
Oh hell, cut the crap. That's not your sister. I saw you dry humping under the bleachers. Hey now!

Hank Kingsley:
All right, it's a young girl, I'm just trying to help her out...

Arthur:
Nice try, Hank. The job's gone. [Artie walks away]

Hank Kingsley:
F***ed by the black man, again!

Arthur:
[to Darlene about appearing in Playboy] Look at me; I've got a face that would crack a mirror that's why I am a producer.

[Beck is performing "Heartland Feeling"]

Larry Sanders:
Is he making this up as he goes along?

Arthur:
He's telling an American story.

Larry Sanders:
I thought he was going to do his hit.

Arthur:
I think he's doing his bong hit.

Hank Kingsley:
For your information Miss Smartypants, I've been thinking about dropping Alzheimer's for 5 years - c'mon guys, where's the cure?

Hank Kingsley:
Be on the phone and be sure you get me something for this Saturday and Darlene, remember ...

Darlene Chapinni:
Oh yeah, nothing contagious.

Arthur:
Somebody get a cage, there's a party animal on the loose!

Arthur:
[Trying to find an emergency guest host] Call in this order: Jerry Seinfeld, Richard Lewis, Bob Saget, John Ritter, Howie Mandel, Louie Anderson.

Paula:
Howie Mandel?

Arthur:
You're right. Flop Howie and Louie. When you call Seinfeld let him know he's our first choice. When he says no, let Richard Lewis *think* that he's our first choice and so on down the list.

Paula:
The way your mind works amazes me!

Arthur:
I'm only now comfortable with it myself.

Hank Kingsley:
People think of Hank Kingsley as a, just a 'meat-and-potatoes' guy. You know? A guy you can invite over for dinner. 'Hey Hank, what are you doing tonight? Do you want some dinner? Come on over! We're having some meat and potatoes. What's that? You can't make it? You're busy? What are you doing?' WELL I'M JUST F***ING TWO WOMEN! [pause] Jesus, can you say something?

Sid Bessell:
It's cycles! Show-business is cycles.

Hank Kingsley:
Do you understand how humiliating this is? Do you understand how exposed I feel? My God, I could lose the Orange Grower's deal!

Sid Bessell:
Who knew you were going to pull out your pecker on camera.

Hank Kingsley:
This is what you choose to say to me at this moment.

Henry Winkler:
I just heard that you were coming out with some kind of a tape... an exercise tape. Congratulations.

Hank Kingsley:
What is that, a joke? What, are you trying to be funny? You know, you can't just bang a jukebox and go, "ayyyyy" and all your problems disappear, Fonzie.

Henry Winkler:
[pause] It worked for me.

Hank Kingsley:
Go f*** yourself.

Norm MacDonald:
Hey... have you seen Hank's tape? Man, it's unbelievable. The guy's got a huge cock on him.

Henry Winkler:
[pause] Then why is he so upset?

[discussing the People's Top Ten Sexiest Men Alive list]

Norman Litkey:
We are in competition on this thing with every major motion picture studio. No-one from television ever gets on.

Larry Sanders:
What about George Clooney?

Norman Litkey:
Well, he's Batman for Christ's sake!

Larry Sanders:
Yeah?

Norman Litkey:
I mean do you have any idea what kind of publicity machine Warner Bros. has? They could get Elmer f***ing Fudd on that list!

Arthur:
Well, it's one of the six stages of healing after a divorce: shock, denial, fear, booze, boners... [with a shrug]... acceptance.

Arthur:
[to Phil] Brian has filed a lawsuit against The Larry Sanders Show for sexual harrassment, and you've got top billing.

Larry:
Plus, you stole my 'gay dog' joke. What is that about?

Arthur:
Ivanka is in on Thursday. She's slim and sexy. She puts the 'supe' in supermodel.

Larry Sanders:
Thursday?

Arthur:
Yeah. Why don't you have dinner with her tonight?

Larry Sanders:
Maybe go over the questions?

Arthur:
Precisely. Ivanka! Keep your mind off of Roseanne.

Larry Sanders:
Hey, Roseanne who?

Arthur:
These days, who the f*** knows.

Hank Kingsley:
Dear [Vince] Vaughn, I'm sorry about the sh*t I put on your car. Please forgive me. The girl I'm dating is crazy and didn't tell me she hit my car so I assumed it was you. Women - what are you going to do? By the way, I thought SWINGERS was a hoot-and-a-half. Regards, Hank Kingsley.

Larry:
I'm telling you, I have a real problem. Twenty people could say they liked me, Artie, and I am telling you I'd still be thinking seventeen of them are lying. Two of them probably have severe emotional problems and one of them is probably confusing me with Larry King.

Makeup Artist:
[remarking on Larry's black eye] Ooh, that's a beauty!

Larry:
Yeah, I was tying my shoes this morning and I walked into the door... bumped my head.

Makeup Artist:
Whatever.

Larry:
Nah, that's what really happened... Alright, a woman hit me.

Makeup Artist:
Miss Parrish.

Larry:
How'd you know that?

Makeup Artist:
Everyone in the loop knows.

Larry:
You're kidding...

Hank Kingsley:
[entering room] Hey guys... WOAH! What a shiner! What happened to you?

Arthur:
Okay. Well, let's put it this way. You've got people in an office, discussing religion, it separates them. Now you take our little group, Phil is a Buddhist... Beverly is a Christian, Paula is an atheist, but we all join hands to put this show together every night and I don't want you to f*** that up.

Hank Kingsley:
What religion is Larry?

Arthur:
Larry is a talk show host. Shalom, baby.