The Last Five Years

[first lines]

Cathy Hiatt:
[singing] Jamie is over and Jamie is gone. / Jamie's decided it's time to move on. / Jamie has new dreams he's building upon. / And I'm still hurting.

Cathy Hiatt:
[singing] I could have a mansion on a hill, / I could lease a villa in Seville, / But it wouldn't be as nice as a summer in Ohio / With a gay midget named Karl playing Tevye and Porgy.

Jamie Wellerstein:
[singing] If you had a tattoo, that wouldn't matter. / If you had a shaved head, that would be cool. / If you came from Spain or Japan / Or the back of a van, / As long as you're not from Hebrew school.

[Cathy's at an audition]

Cathy Hiatt:
[singing] When you come home... [in her head, to the tune of the song] I should've told them I was sick last week, they're gonna think this is the way I sing. Why is this pianist playing so loud? Should I sing louder. [singing louder] I'll sing louder. [quieter] Maybe I should stop and start over. I'm gonna stop and start over. Why is the director staring at his crotch? Why is that man staring at my r?sum?? Don't stare at my r?sum?. I made up half of my r?sum?. Look at me, stop looking at that, look at me. No, not at my shoes. I hate these stupid shoes. Why did I pick these shoes? Why did I pick this song? Why did I pick this career? Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy does this pianist hate me? If I don't get the callback, I can go to Crate and Barrel with Mom to buy a couch. Not that I want to spend the day with Mom, but Jamie needs his space to write, since I'm obviously such a horrible, annoying distraction to him. What's it gonna be like when we have kids? [out loud] And once again... [back in her head] Why am I working so hard? These are the people who cast Russell Crowe in a musical. Jesus Christ, I suck, I suck, I suck, I suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck... [out loud] When finally you come home to... [the director stops her] [speaking] Thank you. Thank you very much.

Jamie Wellerstein:
[singing] If I didn't believe in you, / And here's where the travelogue ends. / If I didn't believe in you, / I couldn't have stood before all of your friends / And said, "This is the life I choose, / This is the thing I can't bear to lose. / Trip us or trap us, but we refuse to fall." / That's what I thought we agreed to, Cathy. / If I hadn't believed in you. / I wouldn't have loved you at all.

Jamie Wellerstein:
[in Central Park with Cathy] [singing] No, that one's Jerry Seinfeld. / That one's John Lennon there. / No, the Dakota. / The San Remo is up a few blocks. / Have you been inside the museum? / We should go. / Meet the dinosaurs.

Cathy Hiatt:
[in Central Park with Jamie] [singing] Is that one John Lennon? / That's the San Remo. / Isn't that the museum? / Can we go see the dinosaurs?

Jamie Wellerstein:
Did you call your agent

Cathy Hiatt:
He's on a retreat.

Jamie Wellerstein:
What the hell is an agent retreat?

Cathy Hiatt:
I don't know, they go into the woods and sacrifice actresses to breed more agents.