The Life and Death of Peter Sellers

[Peter is telling his wife and children that he's leaving them]

Sarah Sellers:
Do you still love us?

Peter Sellers:
Of course I do sweetheart. Just... not as much as I love Sophia Loren.

Peter Sellers:
I'm under a lot of pressure, I could use your support.

Anne Sellers:
You've always had my support, Peter. It's my patience that I'm no longer sure about.

Peter Sellers:
[to Britt Ekland] Christ, woman, can't you say anything real? First of all, you can't act and then you can't stop!

Peter Sellers:
People ask me why do I keep compromising my artistic integrity by walking in front of Blake's cameras. And you know what I tell them? Money!

[last lines]

Peter Sellers:
[as he enters his dressing room trailer] You can't come in here.

Blake Edwards:
[On the set of the Pink Panther] Welcome to Hollywood.

Peter Sellers:
This is Italy.

Blake Edwards:
Hollywood is a state of mind.

Peter Sellers:
Your father is a useless, talentless, empty man. Did you know that?

Sarah Sellers:
Yes, Daddy.

Peter Sellers:
Oh God, I haven't felt leather like this on my thighs since the Third Reich.

Peter Sellers:
[while changing his daughter's nappy] Those film people won't have anything to do with me, Mum. It was my fifth audition this week.

Peg Sellers:
What do they say to you?

Peter Sellers:
Same thing they always say to me, not good looking enough, not magnetic enough. "Stick to radio, dear, that's what you're good at." Keep being the ringmaster in a circus of twits. Maybe I should just be content.

Peg Sellers:
You simpering cow. How can you be content changing nappies in a four room flat like a woman? You want to be a failure like your father, keep mewling about contentment.

Peter Sellers:
That's not very fair, Peg.

Peg Sellers:
I didn't bring you up to be content. I didn't slog round third-rate music halls doing 3 shows a night so you could powder your baby's bottom and whine about how no one gives the radio man a chance. Peter, no one's gonna hand it to you, you want success, you got to go out and take it. Bite the hand that feeds you, then there'll always be another hand with more food and they'll be impressed by the sharpness of your teeth!

Peter Sellers:
[In character as his father, talking about his childhood] Pete always got the last cake. Even if it were on someone else's plate.

[Peter has noticed a scratch on his new Bentley, his young son Michael has tried to fix it by painting a white stripe across it, "just like a racing car". In response to this Peter furiously stomps all over his toys]

Peter Sellers:
You see Michael? I've fixed all your toys for you. Aren't they beautiful?

[In a restaurant with Sophia Loren]

Waiter:
What would sir and madam say to a little fish?

Peter Sellers:
I'd probably say "Hello little fish!"

Anne Sellers:
[shouting] I'm f***ing bored of the little boy! Why can't you be a man? You're a miserable, lying sh*t I hate you.

Dennis Selinger:
[Handing Sellers a script] It's called "The Pink Panther."

Peter Sellers:
Sounds like a bloody strip joint... for poofs.

Businessman on Plane:
Excuse me, but aren't you Peter Sellers?

Peter Sellers:
Not today.

[Peter Sellers is flying to Rome to film The Pink Panther. As the stewardess is announcing that the plane will be landing shortly, he emerges from the toilet having shaved off his beard into a moustache]

Peter Sellers:
[In a caricatured French accent] Yes, I am looking for my tru-urngk.

Lead Stewardess:
Your tru-urng?

Peter Sellers:
What?

Lead Stewardess:
You said tru-urng?

Peter Sellers:
I know perfectly well what I said!

Lead Stewardess:
Right. I don't understand.

Peter Sellers:
Are you not familiar with Her Majesty's tongue?

Lead Stewardess:
Yes I am. And I can assure you, the word "tru-urng" does not exist in our language.

Peter Sellers:
Then I demand to spick with the person in chhargge.

Lead Stewardess:
I am the person in charge, sir.

Peter Sellers:
Ah! Then I demand to spick with you.

Lead Stewardess:
You are speaking to me.

Peter Sellers:
Of course I am spicking with you. What kind of a crazy stewardess thinks a passenger stands, spicking with himself?

Lead Stewardess:
What kind of a passenger puts everyone's lives at risk just before a landing, hm?

Peter Sellers:
Our lives are at risk!

[the other passengers are startled]

Lead Stewardess:
[Over the loudspeaker] Our lives are not at risk. [to Sellers] Now sit down and belt up. I'm getting completely lost!

Peter Sellers:
Lorst? [He moves back down the aisle]

Lead Stewardess:
French twa... [She realises she's still holding the phone for the loudspeaker, she hangs up]

Interviewer - Switzerland:
Peter, how are you able to inhabit your characters so successfully?

Peter Sellers:
Ah well, you see, I don't really have any personality of my own. There used to be a me behind the mask but I had it surgically removed.

[At the screening of the finished film of The Pink Panther]

Blake Edwards:
I'm not supposed to tell you but United Artists already wants a Clouseau sequel.

Peter Sellers:
Who's directing?

Blake Edwards:
Oh, probably some hack.

Peter Sellers:
I'm dead f***ing serious.

Blake Edwards:
Peter, relax.

Peter Sellers:
You're not suggesting you would?

Blake Edwards:
What are you talking about?

Peter Sellers:
I was bloody awful up there. If that's what you're going to get out of me, I don't think I want to repeat the experience.

Blake Edwards:
You're blaming me for your performance?

Peter Sellers:
So you agree I was awful?

Blake Edwards:
I thought you were brilliant!

Peter Sellers:
What the f*** do you know?

[Peg visits Peter on the Dr Strangelove set, but he stays in character as Strangelove the whole time]

Limo Driver:
How was lunch with your son, Mrs Sellers?

Peg Sellers:
I don't know really. I didn't see him.

[Peter Sellers and Stanley Kubrick are riding in a limousine]

Peter Sellers:
Three character is enough. Three is a good number.

Stanley Kubrick:
You're being paid for four.

Peter Sellers:
You're stretching me too thin, Stanley. Who do you think I am?

Stanley Kubrick:
I think you're whoever I want you to be.

Peter Sellers:
Then who am I now?

Stanley Kubrick:
Peter, have you ever heard of Mutually Assured Destruction?

Peter Sellers:
Hum a few bars and I'll join in.

Stanley Kubrick:
It refers to when both sides in an atomic conflict are so powerful that if either side were to take action, it would inevitably result in the total annihilation of all concerned. I find this concept can be applied to many situations.

Peter Sellers:
You're a peculiar f***er, Stan.

[Peter gets out of the car and it is revealed that they're in a stationary car in front of a rear projection screen on a film set]

Stanley Kubrick:
Wait Peter... Peter...

Peter Sellers:
You've got no idea what it's like to be me.

Peter Sellers:
I think I'm in love with you.

Britt Ekland:
But you've just met me.

Peter Sellers:
Then it's still fresh in my mind.

[At Peter's wedding to the Swedish starlet Britt Ekland]

Peg Sellers:
You've only known that bleedin' Nazi for 3 weeks.

Peter Sellers:
Peg, I couldn't be happier.

Peg Sellers:
Why are you making the same mistake all over again?

Peter Sellers:
Because, my love, they won't let me marry you.

[On their honeymoon]

Peter Sellers:
Are you sure you're my wife?

Britt Ekland:
What do you mean?

Peter Sellers:
Because no wife should be that good in the sack.

Peter Sellers:
[Tossing the Pink Panther Strikes Again script down] I could never be this broke.

Blake Edwards:
It wasn't easy for me to come here, Peter.

Peter Sellers:
Why, did your limousine break down?

Blake Edwards:
I considered making you kiss my ass.

Peter Sellers:
Not after that script's been through it.

Blake Edwards:
Still the funniest bastard around. Look Peter, I didn't come here out of desperation, I think it's a good idea and I can't do it without you. You need the money, I don't. And I certainly don't need the aggravation you are undoubtedly gonna bring me.

Peter Sellers:
What if I told you to f*** off?

Blake Edwards:
I'd say your ex-wives would be very disappointed in that attitude.

Peter Sellers:
F*** my ex-wives.

Blake Edwards:
[Walking out] I have, now I know why you divorced 'em.

Peter Sellers:
[Spitting his drink out laughing] Blakey! You are the only son of a b*tch who really understands me! [He hugs him]

Dennis Selinger:
Blake Edwards is the hottest director in Hollywood right now. Days of Wine and Roses, Breakfast at Tiffany's. He can get anyone he wants. And, Peter, he wants you. United Artists are putting a lot of weight behind this picture. It's going to get very wide, very international release. Now, you may be a big star in Britain, love, but the folks in Duluth have never heard of you.

Peter Sellers:
Well, we're even. I've never heard of Duluth.

Dennis Selinger:
[making a "money" gesture with his fingers] In the United States.

Peter Sellers:
Oh... That Duluth.

Peter Sellers:
[Standing on the balcony] If you leave this flat, I'm going to jump off this balcony.

Anne Sellers:
Don't make me any promises, Peter.

Peter Sellers:
[as his own mother going into the coffin] There are no rungs for the weak on the ladder of success... and my Peter is a strong climber. Real stars don't have time for tears.

Peter Sellers:
[Talking to Ann about Britt] She's the most extraordinary girl... like a tulip about to bloom... phenomonal in bed. It is funny, isn't it? I keep saying that I'll never get hooked again. I'm tired of having my heart bleed, yet here I am. I think I want to marry her... that's if you think it's OK.

Peter Sellers:
[to Kubrick] You're a peculiar f***er, Stan.

Peter Sellers:
[on the lawn of his new house at his wedding reception after marrying Britt] What do you think of the new cottage?

Peg Sellers:
You're watering the gin.

Peter Sellers:
In your case, it's not a bad idea.

Dennis Selinger:
Blake Edwards is the hottest director in Hollywood right now. "Days of Wine and Roses", "Breakfast at Tiffany's"... He can get anyone he wants. And, Peter, he wants you! United Artists are putting a lot of weight behind it. It's going to be very wide, very international release. You may be a big star in Britain, but the folks in Duluth have never heard of you.

Peter Sellers:
Then we're even. I've never heard of Duluth.

Dennis Selinger:
It's in the United States.

Peter Sellers:
Oh. That Duluth.

Dennis Selinger:
It's called "The Pink Panther".

Peter Sellers:
Sounds like a bloody strip joint. For poofs.