The Lonely Guy

Larry Hubbard:
You're making a big mistake! This man is not for you!

[bride and groom turn around and Larry realizes it's not Iris and Jack]

Allison the Bride:
He's right!

[throws down flowers]

Groom:
Allison!

Larry Hubbard:
[to man] Isn't this First Presbyterian?

Guest in Church:
No, Third Methodist.

Larry Hubbard:
Grrrr!

Warren Evans:
First time lonely guy?

Larry Hubbard:
What's a lonely guy?

Narrator:
...and Larry Hubbard.

Larry Hubbard:
That's me, fifth one back. I can't take it over now.

Narrator:
Oh, all right.

Greeting Card Supervisor:
[reading Larry's greeting card] Will you be my Valentine? Think about it a bit. If you will that's OK, if not, who gives a sh*t?

Bridge Jumper #2:
Excuse me, are you using this railing?

Warren Evans:
No, go ahead.

Bridge Jumper #2:
Thanks. [gets on railing and jumps off bridge] Ahhhhhhhhh!

Jack Fenwick:
[on answering machine] Hey Larry, you're fantastic! Carson wants you on the west side and Letterman wants you on the east side and Playboy called. They want you to pose with the bunny of the month! Boy what a looker she is!

Larry Hubbard:
Woo! Woo! Woo!

Iris:
Don't worry. Lonely guys don't stay lonely forever.

Larry Hubbard:
[narrating] If you like to play fetch don't get a fast dog. All they want to do is show off and they don't care about your stick. If they don't comeback by sundown you're out three hundred dollars.

Iris:
I'm crazy about you Larry.

Larry Hubbard:
I'm crazy about you too Iris.

Larry Hubbard:
Want to go out some time?

Rental Agent:
I'm a man.

Subway Gang Member:
Man you are one bad backwards writer.

Larry Hubbard:
Thanks. [tosses can back]

Jimmy Carter Look Alike:
Could you just sign it, "To Jimmy"?

Larry Hubbard:
Sure.

Warren Evans:
That was your dog's poop. I saw him do it.

Larry Hubbard:
Oh Warren!

Warren Evans:
I remember after I saw Rocky, I ran out in the park jogging, shadow boxing. Some guy came up to me and punched me right in the face.

Lonely Cop:
Listen, I really don't have to use the can I just want to ask you, where do you get these things?

[the cardboard people]

Lonely Cop:
They're fantastic?

Larry Hubbard:
You mean you're a...

Lonely Cop:
Yeah, a lonely cop.

Larry Hubbard:
A lonely cop? Aww. You get them at The Lonely Guy's store at 81st and Lex.

Lonely Cop:
Do they have Gene Hackman?

Larry Hubbard:
Uh,

[to Warren who's in the kitchen]

Larry Hubbard:
Hey Warren! Does The Lonely Guy's store have Gene Hackman?

Warren Evans:
Yeah, but you have to order him one week before shipping!

Warren Evans:
I don't like to take naps. I don't like to wake up more than once a day. 'Cause when I first wake up I get that shock of who I am and everything. I... I really don't like to do that more than once a day.

Larry Hubbard:
Ya.

Jack Fenwick:
I heard about you and Danielle breaking up.

Larry Hubbard:
You heard? It just happened fifteen minutes ago.

Jack Fenwick:
Yeah, well, I just spoke to her. We were very close, you know. We had an affair and everything.

Larry Hubbard:
When was that?

Jack Fenwick:
Oh, about four weeks ago. Every morning after you'd go to work. Oh, but you knew about that, didn't you?

Larry Hubbard:
[lying] Oh, sure, we had an understanding. We were very today people.

Jack Fenwick:
Hey, say hello to my wife, Verna.

Verna Fenwick:
Hello.

Larry Hubbard:
Hi.

Jack Fenwick:
And this is my girlfriend Frieda.

Frieda, Jack's Mistress:
Hi, nice to meet you.

Larry Hubbard:
Nice to meet you.

Jack Fenwick:
We got a little apartment here on the West Side. One big room, and a 40-foot mattress.

Jack Fenwick:
Don't be so broken up about Danielle. She already dumped Raul, you know.

Larry Hubbard:
She has?

Jack Fenwick:
Yeah, she's living with a rock group now.

Warren Evans:
My girl Melanie just left me.

Larry Hubbard:
What'd she leave you for?

Warren Evans:
She came home last night, found some guy robbing her apartment. They just hit it off.

Larry Hubbard:
Gee, that sounds tough.

Warren Evans:
It *was* tough. It's probably for the best. She's really started to let herself go. Drank a lot, never bathed, fat.

Larry Hubbard:
Hey, don't worry. You'll meet another girl.

Warren Evans:
Not like Melanie.

Larry Hubbard:
I mean, this is really getting drastic. I don't have anything in my place, I just left with a suitcase. I lost my comb. This morning, I had to brush my hair with my toothbrush. I mean, I cleaned it out really good so I feel more comfortable, but it takes about twenty minutes. Does it look okay?

Warren Evans:
No, it looks good, I was just thinking about how good it looks.

Larry Hubbard:
I think it looks good... I should get a comb.

Larry Hubbard:
[Larry meets a woman at a singles bar] Oh, I hate these places. Don't you? It's like, most of these guys are just here for one thing. I guess I want to meet someone I can talk to, just get to know. And go to dinners with, and museums, art galleries. I think what I'm looking for is more of a *real* relationship.

Brenda, Girl in Bar:
Oh, that's great, Larry. But I just came here to get laid.

Larry Hubbard:
[Larry is out jogging, his clothes soaked in sweat] I'm not really jogging. I only ran about fifty yards. This is not real sweat, either. I sprayed it on. They sell this at sporting goods stores. It's made from the actual sweat of professional athletes. This was taken from a Boston Celtics basketball player immediately after a double overtime game.

Iris:
How long have you been a lonely guy?

Larry Hubbard:
Is it *that* noticeable? What is it that gave me away?

Iris:
I know phony sweat when I smell it. When you first came in, I thought you were Larry Bird.

Larry Hubbard:
How long were you and Marty married?

Iris:
Oh, not long. I found out he was having an affair with a ballet dancer.

Larry Hubbard:
A dancer. Now this may sound silly, but by any chance that dancer wasn't named Danielle?

Iris:
No, no. *Raul*.

Warren Evans:
You know what gets me? I go to get a haircut, they charge me, like, four bucks, which is the same amount of money they would charge anybody to come in. But say a guy like Michael Landon goes into the shop where I go, they would charge him four bucks, yet he's got, like, a hundred times more hair than I do. By rights, they should be charging Michael Landon like four hundred dollars.

Larry Hubbard:
Yeah, but they don't charge you by how much hair you've got. They're paid to make it look good with what you've got.

Warren Evans:
Well, I don't even know if they've done *that*.

Larry Hubbard:
Did you ever try, like, maybe swooping if over? You know how some guys grow their hair real long and then swoop it over. You can do a lot like that. You can get a pompadour and everything.

Warren Evans:
My hair doesn't grow long enough to swoop it over. Besides, I think when you see a guy with his hair swooped over, you know he's doing it to cover up something.

Larry Hubbard:
Yeah, if a guy has a lot of hair, he's not gonna swoop it over.

Larry Hubbard:
You know, the guys who always keep their hair are the guys who have no use for it at all, they're not trying to impress anybody.

Warren Evans:
Who's that?

Larry Hubbard:
Like bums. You ever seen a bald bum? They always have a beautiful head of hair.

Warren Evans:
Why is that?

Larry Hubbard:
I think it's because they never wash it. It's the only time you ever see your hair fall out is after you take your shower and you wash your hair, there's a bunch of hair laying there.

Warren Evans:
You mean if I'd never washed my hair, I'd have a full head of hair?

Larry Hubbard:
Of course, they could lose their hair, too. Maybe it just stays in.

Warren Evans:
It's just locked in there. If they ever washed it, they could be bald bums.

Warren Evans:
[Larry and Iris are trying to talk Warren out of killing himself] You want to know the place I'll have in your life? You'll have a beautiful wife, great kids, lovely home, and I'll be your bachelor friend who you feel you have to invite to your dinner party because you haven't seen me in ages. But Iris has run out of single women to fix me up with as a dinner date, so she wracks her brain and comes up with this widow who's fifteen years older than me, overweight with rotten teeth... You know, it doesn't sound all that bad. I mean, I like a full-figured woman. Teeth you can always fix. And what does age matter if you've got a good personality, right?

Larry Hubbard:
Iris, how old are you?

Iris:
Thirty.

Larry Hubbard:
And you've had *six* husbands?

Iris:
That's a lot, isn't it?

Larry Hubbard:
No, no, not really. When you think about it, it's just one every five years.

Larry Hubbard:
[Reading what he's written for his novel] "Soon the primal fire began to burn in Lady Hookstraten's body. Her hips twitched and trembled as each fireball from Oliver's powerful cannon erupted like molten lava into the quivering mouth of her ever-fluttering love purse."

Larry Hubbard:
What'd you have for lunch?

Warren Evans:
Toast.

Larry Hubbard:
White?

Warren Evans:
Rye.

Larry Hubbard:
Good?

Warren Evans:
Yeah.

Larry Hubbard:
Sounds good.

Larry Hubbard:
I just wanted to meet anybody.

Allison the Bride:
I know. It can be rough. Did you try a fern?

Larry Hubbard:
Yeah.

Allison the Bride:
Did you try a dog?

Larry Hubbard:
Yeah, but they don't seem to really help that much.

Warren Evans:
Ever think of getting a dog?

Larry Hubbard:
A dog!

Warren Evans:
Dogs are great. They leap all over you. They lick your face. They don't even have to like you. It's their instinct. Hitler had a dog. That dog went crazy over him.

Larry Hubbard:
ADOLF Hitler?

Warren Evans:
Yeah.