The Longest Yard

Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe:
Huddle up! Look, I'm sure you already know this, but I've never said it out loud. I *did* throw that game. I did it. I was in a bad way with some worse people. After I did it, I felt so shitty, I wish I would have just let them kill me instead. Now the warden wants to pin Caretaker's murder on me if I don't throw *this* game. So it looks like I'm going to get to know you guys a lot better because I aint doing that twice in a lifetime. We got a little time left. We can still do this. I'm begging you. Put your hands in here. Ok, thank you. Who are we?

[Team shouts, "Mean Machine!", and takes the field]

Turley:
I'm glad you're back. Now I don't have to stab you.

[after Crewe decides to come back to the game]

Turley:
I'm glad you're back, now I don't have to stab you.

Caretaker:
Look in your toilet, I left you a surprise.

Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe:
You took a sh*t in my toilet?

Caretaker:
No, that's what I left in Brucey's toilet.

[last lines]

Deacon Moss:
[Deacon and Battle pour Gatorade on Warden Hazen] Good game, sir!

Warden Hazen:
That's a week in the hotbox!

Joey Battle:
Who gives a sh*t!

Deacon Moss:
This is baby-back bullshit!

[after inmates score touchdown on trick play]

Guard Lambert:
Is that legal?

Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe:
Yes, it is.

Guard Lambert:
Is that a touchdown?

Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe:
Yes, it is.

Guard Lambert:
Oh, goddamn it!

Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe:
[after being pulled over by cops] Hey, you can finish that one... I've got five more. Take care guys.

Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe:
[to the short cop] Now, listen here, Mr. Frodo, don't get short with me.

Big Ears Cop:
...sh*t happens.

Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe:
Sh*t does happen. I mean, look what happened to your ears.

Cheeseburger Eddy:
[to Megget] You acting like a real Mcasshole?

Big Tony:
[reading sign] Foot... ball... tree... outs. What the hell's a tree-out?

Brucie:
try-out, you half a meatball.

Cheeseburger Eddy:
You gotta always protect the McNuggets!

Chris Berman:
Whooooop!

Walt:
What happened?

Lena:
He locked me in the closet and left me to die.

Walt:
[gasps] He's deranged!

Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe:
[on TV after he crashes his girlfriend's car] Hey, Lena, I think we should start seeing other people!

Walt:
[watching on TV with Lena] I think I'm in love.

Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe:
You play football?

Caretaker:
Me? No, I sucked so bad they used to pick after the white kids. Used to be mad to be like, "Man I can't beleive i picked a nigga that cant play"

Brucie:
[Brucie is about to kick off] Jesus Christ my saviour,if you help me out with this one I promise to stop cheating on my wife with black guys, Amen.

Cheeseburger Eddy:
I knew you couldn't resist my sh*t! I got the shakes that'll make you quake. I got the fries that'll cross your eyes. I got that burgers that'll... I just got burgers.

Punky:
[after the convicts won the game] We win! Group hug in the shower tonight!... or not. Or not.

Caretaker:
Well, we didn't get the whole chocolate bar, but we got a Hershey's kiss.

Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe:
I will be your coach, your captain, your quarterback...

Brucie:
You haven't played in years! Why can't I be quarterback?

Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe:
You're right; let's see what you got. [throws ball to Brucie] Hit me; I'm open!

Brucie:
[throws wild pass]

Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe:
That's why, now sit down and shut up.

Caretaker:
[to an exceptionally fast runner] Run, Forest, run!

Caretaker:
[Switowski has him in a bear hug] Down, Shrek, down!

Caretaker:
That boy's got slave feet.

Ms. Tucker:
[to Brucie] You wish I'd kiss you 'cos your breath smells like eight cans of shark sh*t.

Caretaker:
That boy got slave feet!

Caretaker:
He could catch a cold in the desert.

Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe:
[drinking a toast with Caretaker] Here's to the first friend I've had in I-don't-know-how-long

Switowski:
I thought I was your friend, Paul.

Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe:
You are my friend, Switowski. Just finish your coloring book and go to sleep.

Switowski:
OK.

Switowski:
I thought I was your friend, Paul.

Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe:
You are my friend, Switowski, just, finish your coloring book and go to sleep.

Switowski:
OK.

Guard Dunham:
Does the n-word offend you... n*gger?

Earl Megget:
No, sir.

Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe:
I think Papajohn's their safety.

Turley:
[smiles, nods] I'll play!

Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe:
[to Caretaker] Hey, let's have a maniacal pillow fight tonight! That should boost your rating!

Skitchy Rivers:
Yeah, and we can sell it to Pay-Per-View - Superstar vs. Half-a-Star.

Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe:
[to Turley] People have said that we look alike, so I just wanted to see for myself. [Turley roars very loudly] I'm gonna go take a piss.

Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe:
[to Caretaker after seeing his half-star violence rating] You're as maniacal as a box of kittens.

Guard Lambert:
[Walks in and yells] Everybody stand for the warden!

Warden Hazen:
[Walks in and sees how fat Tony is] Anthony wow! You can sit down!

Joey Battle:
Thank God!

Captain Knauer:
[after Crewe starts fight in lunch room] Stand up Crewe! You think you can do anything don't you... well you're no different than any other piece of sh*t that calls this place home...

Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe:
Really they all think you're a dumb redneck too?

Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe:
[Knauer takes a swing at Crewe with his night-stick amd Crewe catches it] You should really start cutting that sh*t out it's gettin old...

Captain Knauer:
That's gonna cost ya...

Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe:
Looking forward to it...

Caretaker:
[talking to crowd about the try outs] This is our chance to get a free shot at the guards!

Big Tony:
And how are we going to do that?

Caretaker:
Just show up at the tree-outs you big dumb b*tch! [Everyone laughs]

Switowski:
He broke-ded my nose

Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe:
Let me try to fix that.

[Crewe fixes his nose]

Switowski:
How do I look?

Caretaker:
Much better, like a young Michael Jackson.

Switowski:
I love little Michael.

Guard Engleheart:
If you have to cry, it's okay. I'll cry with you.

Switowski:
Will you teach me to football?

Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe:
Sure, I'll teach you to football.

Caretaker:
I'll teach you anything. Just don't eat me.

Brucie:
[after being hit hard] I got a bird, his name is Ronnie!

Caretaker:
Well, tell Ronnie you got knocked the f*** out!

Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe:
[as he's calling a play] Battle, you're a psycho! Tony, you're a fat sh*t! Hut!

Punky:
[after Nate Scarborough decides to enter the game] You can do it! Get that old ass of yours in the endzone! We gotta win this game!

Ms. Tucker:
Do the girls get to play?

Caretaker:
No, we're playing football, not balls-balls

Caretaker:
Yo man, that's my flyer, man. I worked hard on that. You see he ran like a little b*tch right? You saw that right. [Cheeseburger Eddy gets in his face] Yo, the team needs you. Team needs you. You should come to the tree-outs.

Earl Megget:
Y'all got a running back?

Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe:
Not any good ones.

Cheeseburger Eddy:
It ain't easy being cheesy!

Deacon Moss:
The only game I'll play with you... is slap the point shaving white boy, til he cries like a baby back b*tch.

Cheeseburger Eddy:
baby back b*tch, baby back b*tch, baby back b*tch, baby back b*tch.

Caretaker:
That's a big ass robot

Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe:
[Crewe is being pulled over by the cops] Oh, man, here come the party poopers...

Guard Engleheart:
[the guards are picking on Megget in the library] Bet you'd like to hit us, huh?

Earl Megget:
[smiling] Hit you, sir? Nah. Y'all my friends!

Joey Battle:
Wow, no bullshit! Football, against the guards?

Coach Nate Scarborough:
Yep, full contact.

Joey Battle:
Captain Knauer is the quarterback?

Caretaker:
Yep.

Joey Battle:
So I get to tackle him?

Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe:
Yeah, either that you can hit him over the head with that hammer.

Joey Battle:
I wanna hurt him, not kill him.

Caretaker:
Lets get outta here before that thing bites someone!

Caretaker:
[introducing himself to Crewe] Whatever your pleasure, I can facilitate. You need weed, you need meth- hey, you need Prozac, I'm your man. I know how you white boys always deal with that depression. I mean me personally, I don't understand what you white boys are all depressed about. Hey, you're white! Smile!

Unger:
The blood of the guards is gonna flow like the rivers of ancient Babylon!

Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe:
That's good news.

Guard Dunham:
[rock music on in locker room acting like he's playing a guitar] This is how a white man plays a guitar.

Brucie:
How come I cant be kicker? I was all state!

Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe:
All right let's see what you got.

Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe:
[kicks ball along the ground]... that's why you dumbass.

Baby Face Bob:
[after the game, to Chris Berman] Remember Chris, criminals are people too... [suddenly appears aggressive] Now give me your wallet!

Chris Berman:
[Backs down a little and looks frightened]

Baby Face Bob:
[laughs] Just kidding.

Guard Lambert:
Crewe! I'll see you on the field. [bangs his head on a locker]

Coach Nate Scarborough:
[to Crewe] I think he's in love with you.

Captain Knauer:
Do you have any idea who's beating you out there? This was supposed to be a blow out and they're showing you up in front of the whole nation. The whole nation!

Guard Engleheart:
I like it when he's angry.

Guard Engleheart:
Stop booing, people. Both teams are trying very hard.

Guard Dunham:
What the hell's wrong with you? Stop acting like a damn cheerleader.

Guard Engleheart:
Sportsmanship. Try it.

Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe:
I'll tell you what bothers me the most warden. That you're not coming to be out there on that field with us, gettin' what you got coming to you.

Warden Hazen:
Only thing coming to me is victory.

Con Transvestite:
What's wrong with you? Jealous because I don't cheer for you anymore?

Brucie:
I don't know what you're talking about, Freak show!

Con Transvestite:
Whatever, back freckles!

Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe:
[On the last play of the first half] Do you a**holes remember that play we practiced in the mud?

Deacon Moss:
What are you talking about? That was some schoolyard bullshit!

Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe:
Yeah, let's try some schoolyard bullshit!

Switowski:
[after Turley breaks his nose] I think he did it on purpose!

Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe:
No, he didn't do it on puropse... [glances over at Turley] Okay maybe he did.

Baby Face Bob:
Do that sound again.

Chris Berman:
Woooooop!

Baby Face Bob:
[chuckles] I like that.

Guard Engleheart:
Why are you yelling at me? All I did was care!

Caretaker:
Who we gonna crush?

(prisoners team):
The guards!

Caretaker:
Who we gonna kill?

(prisoners team):
The guards!

Caretaker:
Who we gonna kiss?

Brucie:
[shouting out loud all alone] The guards!

Caretaker:
[smile] Gotcha.

Caretaker:
[to Paul] Don't give me that sh*t! O.J. Chopped his wife's head off and still got some ass! [Paul Spits out his drink in laughter]

[first lines]

Lorenzo:
I love that dress.

Lena:
Of course you do, Lorenzo, you made it.

Ms. Tucker:
Paul... Paul I wanted to let you know that I am your biggest fan and that I'll will be cheering my jailhouse boobies off for you on gameday!

Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe:
Ok I appreciate that.

Ms. Tucker:
Paul I appreciate you.

Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe:
Ok.

Brucie:
All right are you done now?

Ms. Tucker:
What are you just jealous because I don't cheer for you anymore?

Brucie:
Yea I don't know what you're talking about.

Ms. Tucker:
Whatever back freckle!

Caretaker:
Ain't you guys glad you got a black man for a friend?

Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe:
Why are there 2 glasses?

Caretaker:
Shut up and pour me a drink, b*tch!

Joey Battle:
Wow no bullshit! Real football, against the guards?

Coach Nate Scarborough:
Full contact.

Joey Battle:
Captain Knauer is the quarterback?

Caretaker:
Yep.

Joey Battle:
So I get to tackle him?

Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe:
Yeah, you can either tackle him or you can hit him over the head with that *hammer*.

Joey Battle:
[looks down at his crotch] I wanna hurt him, not kill him.

Caretaker:
Lets get outta here before that thing bites someone!

Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe:
Alright we'll see you and your pet iguana at practice.

Caretaker:
Stop the violence! Can't we all just get along?

Guard Dunham:
[after breaking off a long run, storms up to Megget] That's how a white man runs the football!

Earl Megget:
Man, you lucky I ain't on defense. I'd crack you in that egg-ass head of yours!

Guard Dunham:
Yeah, but you ain't on defense. Are ya, b*tch?

Earl Megget:
Switowski! Come here!

[he comes running over]

Earl Megget:
You know what he said in the library?

[whispers to Switowski about Dunham calling Malcolm X then "N word", as Switowski's eyes about pop out of his head]

Earl Megget:
Yes. Him. Out!

Switowski:
[Destroys Dunham with a huge hit on the next play. Everyone gathers around to look at Dunham and sniffs] I think I made-ed him sh*t himself.

Coach Nate Scarborough:
I think he just sh*t himself.

All Sportswriters:
I think he just sh*t himself.

Stretcher Guy:
Good lord, this guy sh*t himself big time!

Switowski:
[jumps up and down celebrating] See! I told you i made-ed him sh*t himself!

Earl Megget:
[as Dunmham is being carted off the field on a stretcher] I'll be sure to send them books to the hospital, pimp!

Deacon Moss:
And some diapers!

Switowski:
I'm sorry... I brokeded your toy.

Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe:
Oh, no, it's a good thing! you should share a victory hug with Caretaker.

Caretaker:
What? [Switowski lifts Caretaker in bear-hug and spins around laughing]

Caretaker:
[to Paul] A**hole!

Computer fraud

care taker down Shrek down