The Magic Christian

Sir Guy Grand KG, KC, CBE:
[voiceover, as a ?10 note appears onscreen] Ladies and gentlemen, this is what is commonly known as money. It comes in all sizes, colours, and denominations - like people. We'll be using quite a bit of it in the next two hours... luckily I have enough for ALL of us.

Hamlet:
[Laurence Harvey, onstage] "To be..."

Youngman Grand, Esq.:
[loud enough to be heard, turning to Sir Guy] I've seen it.

Hamlet:
"Or not to be... that is the question."

Youngman Grand, Esq.:
Shakespeare, right?

Sir Guy Grand KG, KC, CBE:
[whispers, eyes toward the stage] Right, and double right.

Ginger Horton:
Ah! My Second World War Nazi atrocity book came at last.

[turns to Youngman, dog in her lap, and browses the book]

Ginger Horton:
Do you know what Bitsy and I do? We sit down and imagine all those atrocities being done to sex criminals. - Yes, sex criminals and the like. And that Dr Thorndike!

Sir Guy Grand KG, KC, CBE:
[overhearing] What's that, Ginge? Bill Thorndike a sexy criminal?

Ginger Horton:
The man you sent me to. He behaved VERY strangely.

Youngman Grand, Esq.:
You're certainly puttin' everybody on today, Dad.

Sir Guy Grand KG, KC, CBE:
Well, you know, Youngman, sometimes it's not enough merely to teach. One has to punish as well. A little bit of the old pause.

Youngman Grand, Esq.:
Cause for pause?

Sir Guy Grand KG, KC, CBE:
Yes.

Youngman Grand, Esq.:
Dad, do you think words corrupt?

Sir Guy Grand KG, KC, CBE:
I don't know, let's try. Agnes?

Dame Agnes Grand:
[looks up from the television] Yes?

Sir Guy Grand KG, KC, CBE:
Nipple.

Dame Agnes Grand:
Shh! [turns back to the television]

Sir Guy Grand KG, KC, CBE:
[watches her a moment] Well, there's no immediate physical change.

Traffic warden #27:
What's your game, Mister?

Sir Guy Grand KG, KC, CBE:
[riffling a wad of bills under the warden's nose, to persuade him to eat a parking ticket] Grand is the name, and, uh - money is the game. Would you care to play?

Sir Guy Grand KG, KC, CBE:
[as he and Youngman admire a painting] I like school of Rembrandt.

Youngman Grand, Esq.:
St. Rembrandt's High.

Sir John:
[Oxford has just purposely rammed Cambridge, at the annual Boat Race] It would never have happened in my day!

Sir Guy Grand KG, KC, CBE:
Nor mine!

Youngman Grand, Esq.:
Well, it's happenin' in mine!

Sir Herbert:
[pleads with Laurence, the ship's doctor] If you could please just give me some tranquilizers...

Laurence F*ggot:
Escape into drugs? Mask your fears in an artificial fog? Oh, surely you can't be serious.

Sir Herbert:
Oh, well... give me some decent English aspirin!

Laurence F*ggot:
[pulls out a lit marijuana joint] Here, Sir Herb, try this. It's just what the doctor ordered.

Sir Herbert:
What is it?

Laurence F*ggot:
It's cannabis, Sir Herb. [inhales, then, choked] It'll tighten your wig.

Hon. Esther Grand:
[as all hell breaks loose, aboard the Magic Christian] Youngman, what IS going on?

Youngman Grand, Esq.:
[innocently] Ship's concert, I shouldn't wonder.

Sir Guy Grand KG, KC, CBE:
[on being told a Rembrandt might fetch ?10,000 at auction] In that case my final offer is thirty.

Mr. Dougdale:
[stunned] Thirty - thousand - pounds? Sh*t! I beg your pardon, I do beg your pardon.

Announcer on 'Magic Christian':
[as the 'Magic Christian' starts to sink] Go to B-Deck immediately! I repeat: Go to C-Deck immediately!

Sir Guy Grand KG, KC, CBE:
[a police car drives up to Grand's car] Could be routine, or... mere damnable harassment.

Sir Guy Grand KG, KC, CBE:
[Lawrence Harvey performs a strip tease while playing Hamlet] This chap's taking licence in my view?

Sir Guy Grand KG, KC, CBE:
[speaking with the Oxford crew, before the annual Boat Race] We have come here, in fact, to make you a very interesting offer...

Youngman Grand, Esq.:
...of money.

Oxford crew:
[as the whole crew laughs] I think... I think they're trying to bribe us!

Oxford coach:
[giving a matter-of-fact look] They ARE.

Youngman Grand after cutting out the nose of a Rembrandt:
Keep your eye out for a good ear.