The Man from U.N.C.L.E.

Christopher Larson:
Be careful Mr. Solo, please?

Napoleon Solo:
I'll be a study in caution.

Napoleon Solo:
[after her boss is killed] Isn't it common to follow your boss using the Japanese custom of Hara Kiri?

Tomo:
You got the wrong century, Jack.

Illya Kuryakin:
The next harvest is scheduled for the 20th. Today is the 17th. That gives you three days.

Napoleon Solo:
Exactly three days; that's a relief. I thought it was going to be a rush job.

Illya Kuryakin:
It's a handicap isn't it? Being so obviously American?

Napoleon Solo:
People who straddle both sides of the street end up sitting in the middle.

Marcel Rudolph:
You can't leave me here. They'll kill me.

Napoleon Solo:
Not if you run fast enough.

Mr. Alexander Waverly:
How is that leg of yours coming along?

Napoleon Solo:
Healing faster than my dignity.

Napoleon Solo:
[calling on the intercom] Illya, we have a situation here that needs your special talents. Are you free?

Illya Kuryakin:
[from intercom] No man is free who works for a living. But, I'm available.

[opening of the first few season 1 episodes]

Napoleon Solo:
My name is Napoleon Solo. I'm Enforcement agent in Section 2 here. That's operations and enforcement.

Illya Kuryakin:
I am Illya Kuryakin. I am also an Enforcement agent. Like my friend Napoleon, I go and I do whatever I am told to by our chief.

Mr. Alexander Waverly:
Hmm? Oh, yes. Alexander Waverly. Number 1 in Section 1. In charge of this, our New York headquarters. It's from here that I send these young men on their various missions.

Napoleon Solo:
So shall it be written. So shall it be done.

Illya Kuryakin:
Good hunting.

Mr. Kavon:
What do you think of the human condition?

Illya Kuryakin:
I'm in favor of it.

Alexander:
What's she doing here? She's supposed to be dead.

Dr. Kavon:
[holding gun on Kuryakin] Coffee, tea or milk?

Alexander:
I have something for you, Mr. Kavon. A gift.

Dr. Kavon:
[holding gun on Kuryakin] Yes, I should do some work on my experiments.

Illya Kuryakin:
What sort of experiments?

Alexander:
Just something to take your mind off this unpleasantness.

Illya Kuryakin:
What sort of experiments?

Napoleon Solo:
[surprises thug who thinks the agent is unconscious] The trick is not to inhale. [kicks thug in head]

Illya Kuryakin:
[as Napoleon Solo begins to unwrap his mummy bandages] I suppose I'll have to find myself a new tailor.

Illya Kuryakin:
[after being saved from being vaporized] Whoever you are my friend, I should like to thank you.

Illya Kuryakin:
[Napoleon removes protective headcover] [Illya does a double take] I should have known who it was when I saw you trip over your own feet.

Napoleon Solo:
[Napoleon looks at the white burnous Illya is wearing] Gee, I wish I had a dress like that.

Napoleon Solo:
Illya, are you free?

Illya Kuryakin:
No man is free who works for a living. But I'm available.

Napoleon Solo:
Mr. Waverly has a cousin who wears polka-dot pajamas.

Illya Kuryakin:
Well, we all have our weaknesses.

Illya Kuryakin:
My name is Illya Kuryakin.

Ursula Alice Baldwin:
And I'll bet you're the only man around here who can make that statement honestly.

Ursula Alice Baldwin:
[introducing Illya to Lester] Illya Kuryakin, the man from cousin.

Illya Kuryakin:
One thing disturbs me. Is Alice Baldwin the owner of the shares for which they killed her uncle?

Napoleon Solo:
Yes, she is. But don't fret about it.

Illya Kuryakin:
But I do. Fret.

Napoleon Solo:
Well, don't. I'm taking care of it.

Illya Kuryakin:
With a sprained knee?

Napoleon Solo:
Well, only one extremity is out of order. The other one is working overtime.

[Napoleon points to his brain]

Illya Kuryakin:
Well, that must be quite a strain for you. I'll bring you back some vitamin pills.

Illya Kuryakin:
[reading a newspaper article] What? "The sale is announced of the entire list of Baldwin stock of shares in Andram Consolidated Industries to Mr. Illya Kuryakin"?

Alexander Waverly:
Oh, yes. Yeah, that was an idea of Mr. Solo's. Surprised he didn't mention it.

Illya Kuryakin:
I'll have his teeth for cuff links.

Guido Panzini:
It's no difficulty tracing these dogs. This dog, the oldest dog. His ear has been cropped in Europe because this is not American cropping. The young dog. His ear has been cropped this country, because this is not European cropping. That means simply that the old dog was brought here and the young dog, he was born here. You follow me?

Illya Kuryakin:
I'm way ahead of you.

Guido Panzini:
Well, slow down, because I continue.

Ursula Alice Baldwin:
Would you kiss me, now?

Illya Kuryakin:
If you insist.

Madame Raine De Sala:
Everything here concerns me. Do you think because she is a model you may just come in and just, just...

Napoleon Solo:
Scout's honor, just just is the last thing in my mind.

[after an attack on Jordin fails]

Napoleon Solo:
I thought you had a little more style than to try an old trick like that.

Illya Kuryakin:
I don't know what you mean.

Napoleon Solo:
Well, money clip, I'm surprised at you.

Illya Kuryakin:
It is also a bomb.

Napoleon Solo:
[surprised] Really?

Illya Kuryakin:
Really.

Napoleon Solo:
[curious] Really?

[Illya tosses the clip away and it explodes]

Illya Kuryakin:
Really.

Illya Kuryakin:
Well at least he won't have to worry about getting any older.

Alexander Waverly:
Strange. Locked in this book is the secret of immortality, perhaps. Why do scientists always insist on keeping their notes in code?

Illya Kuryakin:
Well they were able to decipher the notebooks of Leonardo da Vinci in a little less than three hundred years. That should offer us some hope.

Alexander Waverly:
Well I'm afraid gentlemen, in my position and at my time of life, that's much too long to wait.

Alexander Waverly:
Eh, try and be a bit more discrete in the future, Mr. Solo.

Napoleon Solo:
Yes, sir.

Dean Timothy Dwight:
And please, gentlemen, leave my daughter out of this! Since you've arrived, Minerva's been in jail, she's been in a brawl, Jonathan Trumbull has threatened to have me fired, the students are getting out of hand, and I think I am on the nerve of a vergious breakdown!

[in a Thrush contraption connected to an electronic test]

Illya Kuryakin:
[about Napoleon Bonaparte's date of death] Come on, Napoleon. You should know that.

Napoleon Solo:
I was named after him. I wasn't at his funeral.

Napoleon Solo:
I'll catch you. Take a deep breath, close your eyes, and jump.

Sheila Van Tillson:
Huh! Oooh! Hey, I liked it. Maybe I'll take up skydiving again if you'll be around to catch me.

[Illya is in the hospital after suffering a concussion]

Illya Kuryakin:
One more day of bed rest, and you may have to put padding on the walls.

Napoleon Solo:
Now, now, no negative thoughts. Think how lucky you are to be here.

Illya Kuryakin:
"Lucky"?

Napoleon Solo:
Well, you could have been killed jumping off that train with Margo. Instead, you're here getting plenty of rest, you have time for meditation, uh... fruit of the vine, flowers of the field. Exquisite view.

Illya Kuryakin:
What exquisite view?

[Illya's very attractive nurse enters]

Napoleon Solo:
That exquisite view.

Effie van Donck:
There are two times when a sense of humor is not in place. One is when I'm talking with my darling nephew.

Napoleon Solo:
And the other?

Effie van Donck:
When I am talking, period.

Alexander Waverly:
Thrush has the Warshowsky boy in Switzerland, at school. His father wants him out of there. He doesn't seem to understand the danger of precipitous action. But he did bring us some fascinating information. Yes, fascinating and terrifying. Here's his secret plant. We must destroy it. You leave immediately.

Illya Kuryakin:
What's there?

Alexander Waverly:
Enough poisonous hypnotic gas to put the half of southern California to sleep, permanently. Destroy it, Mr. Solo. Whatever the cost.

Napoleon Solo:
Including me, of course.

[aside, to Illya]

Napoleon Solo:
You know, sometimes I get the feeling I'm terribly expendable.

Alexander Waverly:
Oh, you are.

Joanna Lydecker:
[Illya is improvising an escape from a meat locker] Camp fires at a time like this. What are you trying to be, a Boy Scout?

Illya Kuryakin:
Perhaps. It's an admirable organization. Now, if you'll put your fingers in your ears and take refuge behind that haunch of beef.

Brian Morton:
You've got the plans, Krohler. There's nothing else.

Commander Krohler:
There's more. There's much more. You see, you are going to help me capture the submarine itself.

Brian Morton:
You're insane! That's impossible.

Commander Krohler:
"Impossible" is the adjective of fools, Mr. Morton.

[Illya arrives just before Napoleon is executed]

Napoleon Solo:
It's about time. What did you do, walk all the way?

Illya Kuryakin:
Napoleon? I uh hate to trouble you with trivia. But, I think I'm about to get killed and it struck me that perhaps you might want to say goodbye.

Napoleon Solo:
Goodbye.

Illya Kuryakin:
Mr. Waverly. Jojo's found Baldanado for us.

Alexander Waverly:
Well having to trust her isn't doing too much for my ulcer, I must admit.

Napoleon Solo:
You know I have got a week's vacation coming up pretty soon.

Jojo Tyler:
Oh? With pay?

Illya Kuryakin:
We do work well together don't we?

Farina:
[Being tied down on a conveyor belt leading to a saw] You can't do this! It's so... hokey!

Vincent Carver:
[to Sandy Wyler] I'd really like to save your life, my dear, but, you see, I'm a heel.

Darius Two:
[watching the THRUSH double who's replaced Napoleon as he kisses Serena] Perfect, perfect!

Serena:
[after the kiss, disappointed] Not really.

Napoleon Solo:
Another interesting thing about me is that under torture I tend to yell a great deal and to reveal absolutely nothing.

[to a pair of Thrush guards, in order to draw them to Napoleon and Illya]

Sandy True:
Excuse me, I've just escaped. Can you tell me the best way out of here?

Napoleon Solo:
You know, I've often felt that I was born several centuries too late. I've always admired those cavaliers who used to go slashing their way down the corridors.

Angela:
Are you always this suspicious, or is it me?

Napoleon Solo:
Well, I have a nervous grandmother back home in Topeka, Kansas. I'm afraid I've inherited some of her genes.

Angela:
Oh, are you from Kansas?

Napoleon Solo:
Of course. Isn't everybody?

Napoleon Solo:
I tell you, old Granny, she was really unbelievable. She used to make everybody so uncomfortable. She was always stalking around and peering into corners. Locking doors, make sure that no one would steal in behind her. And would you believe it? Every night, before Granny went to sleep, she used to slash away underneath the bed with a poker looking for prowlers.

Angela:
Was she ever lucky enough to find one?

Napoleon Solo:
No. No, that was Granny's constant frustration. But she never quit looking.

[Napoleon goes and suspiciously opens Angela's closet]

Angela:
And I imagine that every time she entered the room, she would look through the closet just to make sure nobody was hiding there.

Napoleon Solo:
Of course not. Why would she do a crazy thing like that?

Lucia Belmont:
[sniffling] You sure I didn't catch this cold from you?

Belmont's Aide:
I only wish you had, Miss Belmont.

Victor Marton:
You, madam, are a disgrace, even to Thrush.

[Emory introduces the captive Illya to wife Edith]

Edith Partridge:
[to Illya] Will you join us for dinner?

G. Emory Partridge:
I'm afraid Mr.Kuryakin will be tied up this evening.

[Emory's henchman is getting devoured by a wolf]

Peggy Durrance:
[hearing the noise] What's happening?

Napoleon Solo:
[miming the scene] Man... wolf... aargh...

Napoleon Solo:
What's up... doc?

Illya Kuryakin:
She was dead the minute the serum entered her body.

Lucia Nazarone:
You again. Signor, I neither know you nor like your face. I've paid for a private room here. I do not know what you're seeking...

Napoleon Solo:
I am seeking to find out why you are not a might more chilly than you are.

Lucia Nazarone:
Chilly?

Napoleon Solo:
Chilly. Seems to me the last time I saw you, you were rather... well-ventilated by a number of... bullets.

Lucia Nazarone:
Obviously, you are mistaken.

Napoleon Solo:
Confused. Not mistaken.

Illya Kuryakin:
[spoiler] [speaking to Solo via walkie-talkie] Oh, by the way, Bufferton is dead. [/spoiler]

Napoleon Solo:
[spoiler] Well, that's a life. [/spoiler]

Illya Kuryakin:
It's a pretty scheme with overtones that I can only describe as Machiavellian.

Marion Raven:
[to Napoleon Solo] Don't you stand there looking so innocent; you're nothing but a whirling mess of plots and schemes.

Harold Bufferton:
That's one of the things I like about Gervaise: No inhibitions.

Illya Kuryakin:
Colonel Maximilian Nexor reporting for duty, sir.

Gurnius:
Unbelievable. Almost an exact replica of your father.

Illya Kuryakin:
An exact replica of my father, Marshal Gurnius.

Mr. Brown:
How do we know he really is the son?

Illya Kuryakin:
Who is this man, and what is his function?

Gurnius:
I assume you have heard of Thrush. Mr. Brown is here to protect their investment.

Mr. Brown:
If you really are Nexor, why didn't you try to communicate with us? Answer me!

Illya Kuryakin:
I suggest you choose your words with care, Mr. Brown.

Mr. Brown:
Why didn't you try to contact our people? How did you get to San Rico without our help? [Nexor hits Brown, knocking him into a chair]

Illya Kuryakin:
I don't care who you are, Mr. Brown. I don't care who your people are either, because I have only one loyalty, to our leader and inspiration: Marshal Gurnius. I suggest you impress that upon your mind.

Gurnius:
Are you satisfied, Mr. Brown?

Illya Kuryakin:
My profoundest apologies, Marshal Gurnius. I have failed to congratulate you on the brilliance of your scheme.

Gurnius:
It is remarkable, isn't it?

Gurnius:
Who needs an army when we can control the thoughts of man?

Illya Kuryakin:
What I am going to do with you, Mr. Solo?

Mr. Brown:
Kill him.

Illya Kuryakin:
Of course. But slowly. My way.

Gurnius:
[Admiringly] Just like his father!

Mr. Brown:
Shall we raise the voltage?

Illya Kuryakin:
You are one of a kind that I despise, Mr. Brown. Always impatient, always in a hurry.

Mr. Brown:
He's still conscious.

Illya Kuryakin:
Of course he's still conscious! Otherwise the treatment would be useless.

Mr. Brown:
We haven't much time, Colonel Nexor. We must get to the control room.

Illya Kuryakin:
I realize, Marshal Gurnius, that you may have certain matters that are more pressing. May I most respectfully suggest that you go on ahead? I will...

Gurnius:
Nonsense, nonsense, colonel. We must still have a few minutes. Besides, I'm rather enjoying this!

Gurnius:
Well, it seems that you and I together think of everything. Come with me to the control room. Share my moment of triumph.

Illya Kuryakin:
In just a moment, Marshal Gurnius. There is still the question of the young lady. [Gurnius looks at the woman who is tied down to a table, and laughs]

Gurnius:
Just like your father!

Gurnius:
Traitor! [Speaking to the guards] Don't kill him! I want him alive!

Jason Sutro:
Something wrong Mr. Solo?

Napoleon Solo:
No, no not a thing. Everything is just uh... Actually it's fine.

Priscilla Worth:
Oh, Mr. Solo, you are a gay one, aren't you?

Napoleon Solo:
Only on holidays.

[Chairman Koz wants to take a tour of the Macy's department store]

Napoleon Solo:
I'm afraid that might pose a security problem.

Chairman Georgi Koz:
What? Security? Uh, Macy's got a, uh, military installation, too?

Illya Kuryakin:
Uh, what Mr. Solo means is that, uh, it might be difficult to protect you.

Illya Kuryakin:
[to Napoleon] If you must get us lost, could you do it a bit faster?

Ernestine Pepper:
You're an American, are you?

Napoleon Solo:
Uh, yes. Only by birth.

[Kay can't explain how she got into U.N.C.L.E. headquarters]

Illya Kuryakin:
I ran a check on the girl's identification. No holes in the story so far.

Napoleon Solo:
Which may only mean she has a good cover. Guess we'll have to try the Jekyll-Hyde routine.

Illya Kuryakin:
Well, she's an attractive girl. Why don't I be her friend and companion this time? You haven't played the villain for a long time.

Napoleon Solo:
Well, that's only because you do it so much better than I do.

Illya Kuryakin:
Hmm, the penalty of playing my part successfully. Now I'm typecast?

Napoleon Solo:
That's right.

Illya Kuryakin:
Well, I'd better go and snarl at her. You will come to her rescue soon, won't you? I'm always afraid I might get carried away with the role.

Napoleon Solo:
[after Riley has accidentally offed himself with Dr.Egret's killer pen] Looks like it is going to be permanent writer's cramp.

Dr. James Febray:
Listen, U.N.C.L.E. must have a way of getting a message to Thrush. Tell them I'll pay millions to get my invention back.

Illya Kuryakin:
They wouldn't be interested.

Dr. James Febray:
Make the offer.

Illya Kuryakin:
They'd take your money and then kill you.

Dr. James Febray:
I'm sorry, Kuryakin. I broke. I didn't mean to, but...

Illya Kuryakin:
It's all right. How long do we have before the gun is ready for testing again?

Dr. James Febray:
Oh, ten, fifteen minutes. But that's time enough for our escape, isn't it?

Illya Kuryakin:
Well, it's not very much time.

Dr. James Febray:
During the fight I started, I grabbed these. Acid. When they're mixed, they explode.

Illya Kuryakin:
I always say that when you're locked in an escape-proof room, it's good to have a physicist with you.

Illya Kuryakin:
My name is Illya Kuryakin. I'm a member of the U-N-C-L...

1st M.P.:
That's a pretty weird name Kuryakin. Where are you from fella? What unit? Recite the chain of command.

Illya Kuryakin:
Good grief.

[Illya has accidentally gotten trapped in a net]

Marsha Woodley:
What are you doing up there?

Illya Kuryakin:
[sarcastically] I'm knitting a sweater.

[repeated line]

Girl:
Me Girl!

Napoleon Solo:
Well, how about that...

Mandy Stevenson:
Oh! Oh, you're wonderful, Napoleon!

Napoleon Solo:
I am, aren't I? Astonishing.

Napoleon Solo:
[checking body of THRUSH killer after shootout in movie theater as film continues to play] Too bad. He'll never see how it turned out.

[Napoleon has amnesia]

Napoleon Solo:
You know who I am, and I don't. I'll bite. Who am I?

Walter Longolius:
You're Napoleon Solo, of course.

Napoleon Solo:
[laughs] Napoleon S... There hasn't been anybody named Napoleon since the Battle of Waterloo.

Mara:
[reading Thrush's dossier on Napoleon] He's classified here as a swinger. What's that?

Walter Longolius:
A manic-depressive who is never depressed.

Arum Tertunian:
[to Longolius] I warned you: computers never lie.

Illya Kuryakin:
When Raymond was getting on the plane, I took the precaution of removing his wallet.

Napoleon Solo:
In other words, you picked his pocket.

Illya Kuryakin:
If you prefer such a bourgeois description of an act of pure presence of mind.

Napoleon Solo:
I prefer.

Illya Kuryakin:
Humor is the gadfly on the corpse of tragedy.

Napoleon Solo:
Pushkin?

Illya Kuryakin:
My grandmother.

Napoleon Solo:
Anything new?

Illya Kuryakin:
Not much. A revolution in the Orient, a multi-million dollar train robbery in England, five kidnapped scientists and a plot to melt the polar ice caps.

Napoleon Solo:
Good. I think I'll take the afternoon off.

Illya Kuryakin:
[about Laslo Kurasov] One part Molotov, one part Von Ribbentrop, salt with Genghis Khan, and garlic with Machiavelli.

Milan Horth:
So I see the big bird go phfft. And I see the little bird land on the nest and lay three eggs. So I go down to see what the eggs hatched.

Napoleon Solo:
[to Marion] Remember, if you want to back out, tomorrow is too late.

Napoleon Solo:
It'll be a tough climb.

Marion Raven:
Don't let my sex mislead you, Mr. Solo.

Napoleon Solo:
I'm trying very hard not to.

Napoleon Solo:
If you're needed, where will you be?

Illya Kuryakin:
Right where I'm needed.

Gregori Valetti:
We hunt. We find. We kill.

Illya Kuryakin:
Your friends are such complicated people.

Demos:
You are an imaginative man.

Napoleon Solo:
Not really. Just stubborn.

Demos:
You know, I can't help wondering just who you expected to answer this ad of yours, and whether your apparent naivet? is natural or assumed. But we'll find out, won't we?

Demos:
How keen is your palate, Mr. Nassau? One of these wines is worthless. The other is virtually priceless. See if you can tell which is which.

Napoleon Solo:
I won't, if you don't mind. I promised my dear old mother that I wouldn't drink until I was 20.

Demos:
You hurt my feelings. That was not only discourteous, it was extremely dangerous.

Napoleon Solo:
I'm sure it's no more dangerous than your wine.

Demos:
Oh, there are subtler ways of making a man talk. Suppose you tell me who you really are.

Demos:
And you're concealing nothing from us?

Napoleon Solo:
No, I'm as innocent as an unborn child.

Demos:
And just as vulnerable. You know, there was a time once when one had to beat a man to find out what he was hiding. But these times are more civilized, don't you think?

Napoleon Solo:
I'd prefer not to have that done, if you don't mind. You see, I'm quite allergic to needles, Mr. - ?

Demos:
Demos. Claude Alphonse Demos. And when you know me better, you'll also know that I like to have my own way. It's part of the philosophy I live by.

Demos:
Even when you're playing a part, it pains me to see you with another man.

Genevieve Fiamma:
And all for nothing.

Demos:
Get him for me, darling. Bring Mr. Solo to the cellar.

Genevieve Fiamma:
I will.

Demos:
If the world were not full of fools, how would honest criminals make a living?

Napoleon Solo:
It seemed to me to pose a puzzle.

Demos:
And you have come up with an answer?

Napoleon Solo:
No, but I've come up with another question.

Demos:
The last time this weapon was used, it killed the great chevalier Bayard. You see, my dear, history lives on. Only people die. But how wonderful to be killed with so historical a weapon.

Genevieve Fiamma:
They are not worthy of it.

Demos:
Oh, you're wrong, my dear. To protect all this, no weapon could be more appropriate.

Napoleon Solo:
So this is the little lot that you smuggled out of Germany.

Demos:
What an imaginative way to describe the world's finest art collection. But you're an imaginative man, aren't you, Mr. Solo?

Napoleon Solo:
Mm, not really. Just stubborn.

Napoleon Solo:
It is beautiful.

Demos:
Yes. Too beautiful for the vulgar.

Demos:
Some of the finest masterpieces ever painted. You think I'd let every uneducated lout drool over them? A great painting dies a little, step by step, with every uninformed glance that falls upon it. Did you know that? If it is great, it has life, and if it has life, it can die.

Genevieve Fiamma:
All my life, one man. Only one. And now he's gone.

Napoleon Solo:
No, he's not gone. It was just a sleep dart. He'll be well enough soon to stand trial.

Robert Kingsley:
Mr. Solo, you and I have fought the seemingly endless battle against evil. Don't you see this way - my way - the battle ends once and for all... in favor of good.

Napoleon Solo:
Is this grip necessary?

Napoleon Solo:
Illya, I think, uh, we're both still working on the same case.

Illya Kuryakin:
But instead of being at our own dead ends, we are now at the same dead end together.

[while chasing a suspect, Illya is accidentally struck by an opening door]

Elsa Barnman:
Oh, gee. I'm sorry. Uh, let me help you.

Illya Kuryakin:
Oh, please, do me a favor. Next time, help him.

Illya Kuryakin:
I'll attack the guard.

[the door opens and knocks Illya onto the couch]

Illya Kuryakin:
Mr. Barnman, your wife has arrived.

Napoleon Solo:
[seducing Margo] How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.

Margo Hayward:
No computations now, please, Napoleon.

[Margo laughs flirtatiously]

Miss Townsend:
[outraged] He used the same miserable line on me.

Napoleon Solo:
[speaking to Illya over the communicator] All right, keep in touch. And thank your mother for the chicken soup.

Alexander Waverly:
[after Napoleon and Illya return from their mission in Italy] Unfortunately, what you didn't learn was what really was the crucial point of the conference. The international crime syndicate must have had pretty pressing reasons for calling a meeting at this high level.

Napoleon Solo:
The usual reason that family gets together is funerals.

Illya Kuryakin:
Yeah, large ones.

Alexander Waverly:
Well, how large and for whom is what you'll endeavor to find out.

Napoleon Solo:
Well, if there's a burial plot afoot, sir, Illya and I will uncover it.

Illya Kuryakin:
Would mind keeping me out of your morbid puns, please?

Ginger LaVeer:
[flirting with Illya, who is posing as a pool repair tech] I'll bet you meet so many beautiful girls in your job, you get tired of looking at them.

Illya Kuryakin:
It takes a few.

Ginger LaVeer:
I see you're the strong, silent type.

Illya Kuryakin:
I have to concentrate on my job.

Ginger LaVeer:
Why? The television repairman didn't have to. Neither did the refrigerator repairman, or the electric toaster repairman. Ooh, or the egg cooker repairman.

Napoleon Solo:
[listening over radio in stakeout van] Egg cooker repairman?

Illya Kuryakin:
The egg cooker repairman?

Ginger LaVeer:
[being introduced to Sheldon] Oh, Mr. Veblen, I'm so thrilled to be meeting you at last. I've seen every movie you ever made. I saw "Gone With the Wind" four times.

Sheldon Veblen:
[deadpan] Glad you liked it. I was twelve years old when it was made.

Ginger LaVeer:
Really? I would have never guessed.

Illya Kuryakin:
[to Coco] Would you mind turning around while I take the elastic out of my underpants?

Illya Kuryakin:
I have no particular desire to be bigger than Herman and the Hermits.

Napoleon Solo:
Did you know the railroad station was under surveillance?

Major Vicek:
Really? Are you sure?

Napoleon Solo:
Well, to people in my profession, uh, it's pretty hard to camouflage the stench of the secret police. They can put newspapers up in front of their faces, but somehow the smell just sort of creeps over the edges.

Major Vicek:
How very perceptive of you.

Nellie Canford:
You know something? You're cute.

Illya Kuryakin:
[mildly confused] You're very kind.

[Nellie's tooth can, when it comes into contact with rum, become a short-wave radio receiver]

Illya Kuryakin:
I've read about your type, just never met one.

Nellie Canford:
Hey, listen, I still might catch my plane. Um, sorry about your shirts. Bye.

Napoleon Solo:
Miss Canford, uh, look. We can't let you go now. I mean, not with your talent.

Nellie Canford:
But I've got to get back to Newport News.

Illya Kuryakin:
Forget Newport News. This is, uh, far more important.

Nellie Canford:
Oh, now wait a minute.

Illya Kuryakin:
We shall only need you for a few days.

Nellie Canford:
Mr. Kuryakin, I don't know what kind of a girl you think I am.

Napoleon Solo:
Believe me, believe me, we're only interested in your tooth.

Illya Kuryakin:
And nothing but the tooth.

Napoleon Solo:
Well don't just stand there get the president a handkerchief.

Napoleon Solo:
Hey, Filthy, can't you do anything right? You're supposed to be halfway home by now.

Illya Kuryakin:
Me? Is it me that got himself tied up like a helpless child?

Napoleon Solo:
No, it's you who blew up the wrong computer, though.

Illya Kuryakin:
What?

Napoleon Solo:
The real one's right here in the house.

Illya Kuryakin:
[having seen said computer being wheeled into the dining room] Oh, that's what it was. How awkward.

Napoleon Solo:
[approaching Illya in a salon] Gee, I think you look much better with a trim.

Illya Kuryakin:
You may like to know that it cost me ten dollars American for him to leave my hair alone.

Illya Kuryakin:
It's amazing how quickly a girl can take her clothes off. And how long it takes to put them on again.

Illya Kuryakin:
What was this man's crime?

Guard:
Stupidity.

Jacques Robespierre:
Monsieur Solo, did that you say your first name was Napoleon?

Napoleon Solo:
That's right, yes.

Jacques Robespierre:
What a cruel prank by your parents.

Napoleon Solo:
Well, I always thought the French people were rather proud of Napoleon.

Jacques Robespierre:
Bonaparte was a drunkard and a libertine. Why should I be proud of him?

Carl Voegler:
Did you get that new bow from U.N.C.L.E.?

Illya Kuryakin:
U.N.C.L.E.? What's that?

Carl Voegler:
[pulling a gun on Illya] Wrong answer, my friend. Any other man would have said "Who is that?". But you know that U.N.C.L.E. is a "what" and not a "who", don't you?

Albert Dubois:
It's no use. We'll never find him.

Napoleon Solo:
We've got to. I want my children to drink champagne.

Jacques Robespierre:
[Suggesting something Solo can do while Robespierre is out of the room] Read a book!

Napoleon Solo:
I've read one, thanks.

Napoleon Solo:
I've told you about the organization we're dealing with. They kill people the way people kill flies. A careless flick of the wrist; a reflex action.

Napoleon Solo:
There's something about that plant, and I've got to find out what it is, tonight. When Vulcan gets back, get him to show you the plant tonight.

Elaine May Bender Donaldson:
But he wants to take me to a nightclub,

Napoleon Solo:
And you would rather see the plant. Flatter him, admire him and the empire he's built.

Elaine May Bender Donaldson:
But I do admire him, and I don't believe all those terrible things you've told me about him. He... he just isn't like that.

Napoleon Solo:
Elaine, if that blood you just washed off my face doesn't impress you, then I would suggest you go down to the river tomorrow and watch them fish out what's left of my car.