The Middleman

Tyler Ford:
Did your boss just call you on your watch and say something about a Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster?

Lacey Thornfield:
What do you do for a living?

The Middleman:
We're international consultants that solve exotic problems for corporations, individuals, and even governments. Obviously, our clients often prefer anonymity.

Lacey Thornfield:
That's so clear. Concise.

The Middleman:
I've seen the first act of "Ride Lonesome" 16 times.

Johnny John:
Look, I've got a beautiful woman in here, who is hot, willing, and able, who finds me devastating in my raw, feral power. Did I mention she was hot? Do you have any idea how rare that is for me?

Wendy Watson:
Yes, I do.

The Middleman:
We're Agents Boetticher and Kennedy, from the American Shrimp and Crab Amalgamated Processors, Law Enforcement branch.

Cecil Rogers:
ASCAP?

The Middleman:
We avoid using the acronym for copyright reasons.

The Middleman:
In times of extreme stress, crying is an inevitable physiological response.

Ida:
Sure it is, cupcake.

The Middleman:
The way the story's unfolding... rural setting... civilian unexpectedly turns into a ravenous flesh-eater... My guess is we are dealing with the seminal stage of a zombie outbreak.

Wendy Watson:
Entree-ripping, brain chewing zombies?

The Middleman:
The very same.

Wendy Watson:
Cool!

The Middleman:
Dubby, there is nothing "cool" about zombies.

Wendy Watson:
I have a question. Why are you guys in wetsuits and I'm in this Honey Ryder "Thunderball" nightmare?

Guy Goddard:
Honey Ryder's from "Dr. No."

Wendy Watson:
Ah, you make me sick.

The Middleman:
Fire and brimstone! We do not smoke in the Middlemobile!

Guy Goddard:
Why not? Is there something combustible in here?

The Middleman:
Only my temper, when I see a man willingly invite cancer into his body!

Guy Goddard:
Cancer? Everyone knows the Surgeon General is a red dupe.

Wendy Watson:
Every time I get into a relationship, I can always visualize how it's going to end. But with Tyler, I can't. It's totally killing me. Do you have any idea what that's like?

The Middleman:
No. Sounds like something out of one of those hateful independent films. This is exactly why I stick to westerns.

Guy Goddard:
Chickie-baby's never been to a supervillain island lair, has she? Sweet, when a bad man builds a home for a world-destroying ray, the first thing he buys...

The Middleman:
Are an automated missile defense package...

Guy Goddard:
Barrier mines...

The Middleman:
Android guards who will keep protecting the island centuries after the supervillain has died...

Guy Goddard:
And a lot of Scandinavian furniture.

The Middleman:
My ... little ... pony!

The Middleman:
The Palindrome has the power to open a mini black hole!

Wendy Watson:
Like the kind that eats socks in the dryer?

Ivan Avi:
See, our plan was sheer elegance in its simplicity!

The Middleman:
Save it.

Wendy Watson:
You're telling me that you, Pip, a priest, are willing to risk your life for me?

Pip:
We're all children of the Lord.

Wendy Watson:
I'm in the mirror universe.

Pip:
I'm sorry - mirror? Universe?

Wendy Watson:
A parallel universe where everyone who's good is evil and evil is good. It's like that episode of Star Trek where Spock had a goatee, and Chekhov tried to...

Pip:
Star Trek? You mean the sci-fi series from the '60s starring the great George Takei?

Wendy Watson:
It is an evil universe.

The Middleman:
I tell ya. Some chucklehead's always tryin' to take over the world.

The Middleman:
Self-knowledge is the gateway to freedom.

The Middleman:
No more monologuing, or I'll Swiss-cheese you on principle.

[Wendy Watson is on the phone at the receptionist desk of AND Labs]

Wendy Watson:
Yes, Mother, I am still dating that guy, and his name is Ben. [listens] No, he is *not* a homosexual... he's in film school.

[Wendy and the hideous monster stand before the heavily-armed Middleman]

The Middleman:
Excuse me, Ma'am, but I'm going to have to ask you to step aside. [beat] The human. [sighs] The one on my left.

[creature runs around noisily while being tased]

The Middleman:
Heck of a mess, huh.

Wendy Watson:
Excuse me?

[Creature explodes - all is quiet]

The Middleman:
I said, heck of a mess. Huh.

Wendy Watson:
Whatever. I'm a temp.

[sirens approach]

The Middleman:
Hey, now! The heat's on its way. Okay, cowgirl, here's your marching orders. Anyone asks, this was a gas main explosion. I was never here, this conversation never took place.

Wendy Watson:
Marching orders? What about that hentai tentacle monster?

The Middleman:
[shrugs] Tell the truth if you want, but if you do, I'm going to have to root you like a hog and kill you. [beat] Sorry. So, what's it going to be: Keep the secret, or death?

Wendy Watson:
What do you think?

The Middleman:
Ma'am, specificity is the soul of all good communication.

Wendy Watson:
[beat] Yes. Duh.

[his wristwatch Voice Stress Analyzer reads 99%]

The Middleman:
Outstanding. You're good under pressure.

Wendy Watson:
Are you hitting on me?

The Middleman:
Just making an observation.

Wendy Watson:
[not quite under her breath] Hellooo, nutjob, party of one.

The Middleman:
No, Ma'am. I'm just The Middleman.

[Title Card:
Corridor to the illegal sublet Wendy shares with another young, photogenic artist. 7:00 P.M.]

Noser:
Yo, Wendy Watson.

Wendy Watson:
Hey, Noser.

Noser:
Who's the Man?

Wendy Watson:
That would be Shaft, Noser.

Noser:
What kind of man?

Wendy Watson:
A complicated man.

Noser:
And who understands him?

Wendy Watson:
No one but his woman.

Noser:
Right on.

Lacey Thornfield:
I'm a confrontational spoken-word performance artist. I confront. I speak. Art. [beat] What do you do, DubDub?

Wendy Watson:
Well, I save the world in my own way. Did I get any calls?

Lacey Thornfield:
Yeah, your Mom called to ask if you're a lesbian... and Ben called! He wants to come later... he has a surprise for you.

Wendy Watson:
Did he say anything about world travel, champagne, or diamonds?

Lacey Thornfield:
[chuckles] What's it like being somebody's beard?

Wendy Watson:
He's in film school.

The Middleman:
You know, vampires have killed more Middlemen than any other threat on record.

Wendy Watson:
Really? How many?

The Middleman:
Two.