The More the Merrier

Benjamin Dingle:
There are two kinds of people - those who don't do what they want to do, so they write down in a diary about what they haven't done, and those who are too busy to write about it because they're out doing it!

[first lines]

Narrator:
Our vagabond camera takes us to beautiful Washington, D.C., the national capital of our United States, situated on the broad banks of the Potomac River. Living is pleasant and leisurely... for it is a city of formality and custom. Manners and courtesy are responsible for the well-ordered conduct of its daily affairs. The many fine restaurants of Washington are the delight of the epicurean and the gourmet, where one may enjoy to the full the rare dishes of the old south. Washington's beautiful homes have the quiet dignity of another day. Our trip would be incomplete if we neglected to visit the quiet, staid and dignified residential section. It is with pride that we view hospitable Washington, friendly Washington, welcoming us to her doorstep eagerly throwing wide her doors.

Hotel Clerk:
I'm sorry; there're no vacancies... positively no vacancies.

Joe Carter:
What do you do?

Benjamin Dingle:
I'm a well-to-do, retired millionaire. How 'bout you?

Joe Carter:
Same.

Connie Milligan:
You've been shushing me for 22 months now. You've shushed your last shush!

Benjamin Dingle:
[pouring the the coffee that he spilled most of, Ms. Milligan looks at him like he's crazy] There's a war going on Ms. Milligan!

Charles J. Pendergast:
What was he doing with his binoculars in your apartment?

Connie Milligan:
You look messy. Don't you ever brush your hair?

Joe Carter:
I bet Mr. Pendergast combs his hair every hour, on the hour.

Connie Milligan:
Mr. Pendergast has no hair!

[last lines]

Benjamin Dingle:
[singing] In love or war, with people like us, we've got to work fast or we'll miss the bus. If you straddle a fence and you sit and wait, you get too little and you get it too late.

Benjamin Dingle:
What'll you say if we see it through, you stick by me and I'll stick by you. And our 18 children will be glad we said...

Benjamin Dingle, Men bunking in the apartment building lobby:
[singing] "Damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead, damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead, damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead. And our 18 children will be glad we said, "Damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead, damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead, damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead!"

Benjamin Dingle:
What's your name?

Joe Carter:
Carter.

Benjamin Dingle:
Bill Carter?

Joe Carter:
Joe Carter.

Benjamin Dingle:
I used to know a fellow named Bill Carter.

Joe Carter:
Wasn't me.

Benjamin Dingle:
Don't you suppose I know that?

Joe Carter:
What'd you ask for, then?

Benjamin Dingle:
I guess I know what Bill Carter looked like.

Joe Carter:
Not like me.

Benjamin Dingle:
Oh, then, you know Bill Carter.

Joe Carter:
No, I don't, but he sounds like a great guy.

Benjamin Dingle:
Say, what brought you here, Mr. Carter?

Joe Carter:
Railroad.

Benjamin Dingle:
No, I mean, what's your job?

Joe Carter:
I'm a mechanic. I work in a baby carriage factory.

Benjamin Dingle:
Where?

Joe Carter:
California.

Benjamin Dingle:
San Francisco?

Joe Carter:
Burbank.

Benjamin Dingle:
Baby carriage factory, eh?

Joe Carter:
Yep. Tokyo Baby Carriage Corporation - plain and fancy baby carriages for carrying babies to Tokyo.

Benjamin Dingle:
Oh. Maybe you think this is none of my business.

Joe Carter:
Maybe I do.

Benjamin Dingle:
Probably your name isn't even Bill Carter.

Joe Carter:
Probably not. It's probably Joe Carter.

[Benjamin is trying to convince Connie to rent out the room to him instead of to a woman]

Connie Milligan:
...I've made up my mind to rent to nobody but a woman.

Benjamin Dingle:
So, let me ask you something. Would I ever want to wear your stockings?

Connie Milligan:
No.

Benjamin Dingle:
Well, all right. Would I ever want to borrow your girdle, or your red and yellow dancing slippers?

Connie Milligan:
Of course not.

Benjamin Dingle:
Well, any woman, no matter who, would insist upon borrowing that dress you got on right now. You know why? Because it's so pretty.

Connie Milligan:
I made it myself.

Benjamin Dingle:
And how would you like it if she spilled a cocktail all over it... at a party you couldn't go with her to because she borrowed it to go to it... in?

Connie Milligan:
She might have something that I could wear.

Benjamin Dingle:
Not her.

Connie Milligan:
Why not?

Benjamin Dingle:
Because she's so dumpy looking. Never has anything clean. That's why she's always borrowing your dresses.

Connie Milligan:
How do I know you'd be any better?

Benjamin Dingle:
[spinning around and patting the clothes he has on] Well, look at me. I'm neat, like a pin. Ah, let me stay.

Connie Milligan:
Well, look, I...

Benjamin Dingle:
I tell you what. We'll try it out for a week. End of the week comes, if you're not happy, we'll flip a coin to see who moves out.

[after Benjamin has moved into her apartment, Connie is explaining to him the morning schedule she has worked out for the two of them]

Connie Milligan:
[showing him a map] See, this is a floor plan of the apartment. Here's my room, here's your room, here's the bathroom and here's the kitchen. Now, my alarm goes off at seven o'clock, and we both get up. At seven one, I enter the bathroom. Then you go down to get the milk, and by seven five you've started the coffee. One minute later, I leave the bathroom, and a minute after that, you enter the bathroom. And that's when I'm starting to dress. Three minutes later, I'm having my coffee, and a minute after that at seven twelve, you leave the bathroom. At seven thirteen, I put on my eggs, and I leave to finish dressing. Then you put on your shoes, and take off my eggs at seven sixteen. At seven seventeen, you start to shave. At seven eighteen, I eat my eggs, and at seven twenty-one, I'm in the bathroom fixing my hair, and at seven twenty-four, you're in the kitchen putting on your eggs. At seven twenty-five, you make your bed. Seven twenty-six, I make my bed. And then while you're eating your eggs, I take out the papers and cans. At seven twenty-nine, you're washing the dishes, and at seven thirty, we're all finished. You see?

[Benjamin looks up at Connie with a glazed expression]

Connie Milligan:
It's really very simple.

Benjamin Dingle:
Do we do all this railroad time or Eastern War time?

Hotel Clerk:
[looks over Dingle's reservation] Senator Noonan engaged a suite beginning the 24th. Why, this is only the 22nd. You're two days early.

Benjamin Dingle:
Anything wrong with being two days early?

Hotel Clerk:
Why, no, sir.

Benjamin Dingle:
Everybody ought to be two days early. When this nation gets two days early we'll be getting somewhere.

Hotel Clerk:
Yes, sir. But unfortunately this suite won't be vacated until day-after-tomorrow.

Benjamin Dingle:
Can you connect me with Senator Noonan?

Hotel Clerk:
The Senator's out of town.

Benjamin Dingle:
Oh. When will he be back?

Hotel Clerk:
Well, he was due back, uh, day-before-yesterday, but he's, he's, uh...

Benjamin Dingle:
Two days late.

Hotel Clerk:
Yes, sir.

Benjamin Dingle:
Well when Senator Noonan gets back late, tell him I was here early.

Hotel Clerk:
Yes, sir.

[Connie, home from work, finds Benjamin outside her door. She walks around Benjamin and enters. Benjamin, looking for housing, knocks three times on the door. Connie opens it]

Benjamin Dingle:
How do you do?

Connie Milligan:
How do you do?

Benjamin Dingle:
I'm Benjamin Dingle.

Connie Milligan:
You certainly are.

Benjamin Dingle:
Now about that apartment...

Connie Milligan:
I'm sorry, I've already rented it.

Benjamin Dingle:
Just a moment, young lady. Do you think you know me well enough to lie to me?

Connie Milligan:
Yes.

Benjamin Dingle:
Even so, you shouldn't do it. Do you realize that practically most of the trouble in the world comes from people lying to people? Just take Hitler, for instance. He's...

Connie Milligan:
I'm sorry, Mister, but I prefer sh...

Benjamin Dingle:
Uh, Mr. Dingle.

Connie Milligan:
Mr. Dingle. I prefer sharing my apartment with a lady.

Benjamin Dingle:
That's fine, so would I.

Connie Milligan:
Uh, I'm sure you'd be happier someplace else.

Benjamin Dingle:
I've been there.

[Carter and Dingle are reading a "Dick Tracy" comic strip]

Connie Milligan:
Is that the best you can do with your time?

Joe Carter:
Mmm. Got to keep up with what's going on.

Benjamin Dingle:
I missed two Sundays with "Superman" once, and I've never felt right since.

Connie Milligan:
Seems to me you might read something more beneficial.

Joe Carter:
Like what?

Connie Milligan:
Like the editorials, for instance, or the columns. All well-informed people read the columnists.

Benjamin Dingle:
Such as Mr. Pendergast, I suppose.

Connie Milligan:
You're right, I suppose. Mr. Pendergast always reads the columnists.

Joe Carter:
Are they funny?

Benjamin Dingle:
Sometimes, but no pictures.

[Dingle and Carter are reading a newspaper on the rooftop]

Benjamin Dingle:
Hand me that section, will you? I want to see if anyone I know is being born today.

[Connie doesn't want to rent her apartment to Mr. Dingle, but Dingle has made up his mind]

Connie Milligan:
Why don't you go to the YMCA?

Benjamin Dingle:
I'm too old.

Connie Milligan:
Or the, the veterans' home?

Benjamin Dingle:
I'm too young.

Connie Milligan:
Well, I don't know what to think.

Benjamin Dingle:
Well, sooner or later I'm going to rent half this apartment. Suppose I have a look at it, eh?

Benjamin Dingle:
[to Connie] I missed two Sundays of "Superman" once, and I've never felt the same since.

Diner Counterman:
Here's your fifty-cent blue plate.

Connie Milligan:
[Looking at the food, starts crying]

Joe Carter:
What kind of fish is this?

Diner Counterman:
Catfish.

Connie Milligan:
[Crying]

Diner Counterman:
Here's your nice boiled rice.

Joe Carter:
What's the matter, honey?

Connie Milligan:
[Crying] I never thought when they threw rice at me it would be boiled.

Joe Carter:
Look, we better hurry up and eat our lunch and get out of here. Let's go.

Diner Counterman:
Is there something wrong, mister?

Joe Carter:
No, everything's just dandy.

Diner Counterman:
Well then why is the young lady crying?

Joe Carter:
Because she's so happy.

Diner Counterman:
[Smiles] Oh, for goodness sake. Newlyweds.

Joe Carter:
What's wrong with newlyweds?

Benjamin Dingle:
Old Jimmy Doolittle flew over the seas. He watched the nip at the Nipponese; Cleared a cloud and looked below, Said, "By golly there's To-ki-o." Oh Jimmy Doolittle he understood; He dood his duty and he dood it good. Somewhere Jimmy had heard it said, "Damn the torpedoes - full steam ahead!" "Damn the torpedoes - full steam ahead!" "Damn the torpedoes - full steam ahead!"

Benjamin Dingle:
[singing with the other men sleeping in the apartment lobby as Connie and Joe come back from being married] Don't try to steal the sweetheart of a soldier; /It's up to you to play a manly part. /Though he's over there and she's over here, /Still she's always in his heart. /They may not meet again to love each other; /Still he prays that he'll come back some day. /While he fights for you and me /To protect our liberty, /Don't try to steal his girl away.

Connie Milligan:
I can't take one man's bag on another man's honeymoon.