The Muppet Movie

Kermit the Frog:
Why are there so many songs about rainbows And what's on the other side? Rainbows are visions, but only illusions, And rainbows have nothing to hide. So we've been told and some choose to believe it I know they're wrong, wait and see.Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection, The lovers, the dreamers and me.

Kermit the Frog:
[to audience] I hope you appreciate that I'm doing all my own stunts.

Kermit the Frog:
Who said that every wish will be heard and answered when wished on the morning star? Somebody thought of it, and someone believed it and look what it's done so far.

Kermit the Frog:
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection, the lovers, the dreamers and me.

Kermit the Frog:
Life's like a movie, Write your own ending, Keep believing, Keep pretending

Fozzie Bear:
A bear in his natural habitat: a Studebaker.

Fozzie Bear:
I'm a professional. I've had three performances

Rowlf the Dog:
[concerning Kermit the Frog] It's not often you see a guy that green have the blues that bad.

Rowlf the Dog:
[concerning women] You can't live with 'em, you can't live without 'em. There's something irresistible-ish about 'em. We grin and bear it 'cause the nights are long. I hope that something better comes along.

Rowlf the Dog:
[trying to film the Muppets] Okay everybody, stay in focus.

Dr. Teeth:
Golden teeth and golden tunes. Welcome to my presence.

Sweetums:
Jack not name, Jack job.

Sweetums:
[trying to dash after the others] Hey, where're you goin'? Hey! Wait for me! I wanna go to Hollywood! Hey, wait for me! C'mon, guys! Wait, please! I wanna go to Hollywood!

Sweetums:
I just gotta catch up with those guys!

Sweetums:
[last line] I just knew I'd catch up with you guys!

Kermit:
[giving directions to Fozzy] Bear left.

Fozzie:
Right frog.

[discovering that their car has been painted by The Electric Mayhem]

Fozzie:
I don't know how to thank you guys!

Kermit:
I don't know why to thank you guys.

Kermit:
Where did you learn to drive?

Fozzie:
I took a correspondence course.

Kermit:
[watching Gonzo, who is holding a bunch of helium balloons, fly by] Gonzo! What are you doing?

Gonzo:
About seven knots!

[first lines]

Statler:
I'm Statler.

Waldorf:
I'm Waldorf. We're here to heckle "The Muppet Movie".

Gate Guard:
Gentlemen, that's straight ahead. Private screening room D.

Statler:
Private screening?

Waldorf:
Yeah, they're afraid to show it in public.

Rowlf:
Oh. Broken heart, right?

Kermit:
[sadly] Does it show?

Rowlf:
Listen, when you've been tickling the ivories as long as I have, you've seen a broken heart for every drop of rain, a shattered dream for every falling star.

Kermit:
Exactly. She just walked out on me.

Rowlf:
Ah, typical. That's why I live alone.

Kermit:
You do, huh?

Rowlf:
You bet. I finish work, I go home, read a book, have a couple of beers, take myself for a walk, and go to bed.

Kermit:
Nice and simple.

Rowlf:
Stay away from women. That's my motto.

Kermit:
But I can't.

Rowlf:
Neither can I. That's my trouble.

Kermit:
It's too bad the dancing girls are on vacation. This crowd's getting ugly.

Fozzie:
If you think this crowd's ugly, you should see the dancing girls.

Fozzie:
Kermit, where are we?

Kermit:
[looking at a map] Well, let's see. We're just travelling down this little black line here, and uh, just crossed that little red line over here.

Fozzie:
[takes his eyes off the road to focus on the map] Look, why don't we just take that little blue line, huh?

Kermit:
We can't take that. That's a river.

Fozzie:
Oh. I knew that.

Kermit:
Yeah sure.

Fozzie:
Well, listen Kermit, why don't we just go and...

Kermit:
[cutting him off] Fozzie? Uh, Fozzie?

Fozzie:
Yeah?

Kermit:
Who's driving?

Kermit:
I didn't promise anybody anything. What do I know about Hollywood, anyway? Just a dream I got from sitting through too many double features.

Kermit's Conscience:
So why did you leave the swamp in the first place?

Kermit:
'Cause some agent fella said I had talent. He probably says that to everybody.

Kermit's Conscience:
On the other hand, if you hadn't left the swamp, you'd be feeling pretty miserable anyhow.

Kermit:
Yeah. But then it would just be me feeling miserable. Now I got a lady pig, and a bear and a chicken, a dog, a thing, whatever Gonzo is. He's a little like a turkey.

Kermit's Conscience:
Mmm - Yeah. A little like a turkey, but not much.

Kermit:
No I guess not. Anyhow, I brought them all out here to the middle of nowhere, and it's all my fault.

Kermit's Conscience:
Still, whether you promised them something or not, you gotta remember - they wanted to come.

Kermit:
But... that's because they believed in me.

Kermit's Conscience:
No, they believed in the dream.

Kermit:
Well, so do I but...

Kermit's Conscience:
You do?

Kermit:
Yeah! Of course I do.

Kermit's Conscience:
Well then?

Kermit:
Well then... I guess I was wrong when I said I never promised anyone. I promised me.

[Fozzie and Kermit speed away from Doc Hopper]

Doc Hopper:
Max! [Max pulls over] Follow that frog! [Max drives off leaving Doc Hopper behind] MAX! [Max stops and reverses the car] Follow that frog with me in the car!

Max:
I'm sorry, Doc, I just got excited. Isn't the frog terrific?

Doc Hopper:
[getting in the car]: Terrific, now go!

Max:
But you promised me a reward.

Doc Hopper:
Later, Max. Now follow that frog!

The Muppet Performers:
Dave Goelz as The Great Gonzo, Zoot, and Dr. Bunsen Honeydew

The Muppet Performers:
Jim Henson as Kermit the Frog, Rowlf the Dog, Dr. Teeth, Waldorf, Swedish Chef

The Muppet Performers:
John Landis as Grover (uncredited)

The Muppet Performers:
Jerry Nelson as Floyd Pepper, Crazy Harry, Robin the Frog, Lew Zealand, Camilla the Chicken

The Muppet Performers:
Frank Oz as Miss Piggy, Fozzie Bear, Animal, Sam the Eagle

The Muppet Performers:
Caroll Spinney as Big Bird

Sweetums:
Jack not name, Jack Job!

Used Car store owner:
(Angrily) How many times did I tell you not to talk to my customers?

Sweetums:
Yeah, I know!

Used Car store owner:
Just move it. You understand?

Kermit the Frog:
The El Sleezo Cafe. Hmm, Foreign food. Well, It doesn't smell promising. But a frog's gotta eat. (Gasps when a man is kicked out of the cafe) (to the man) Wow! Rough place, Huh?

The El Sleezo Cafe owner:
That's the toughest, meanest, filthiest pest over the face of the earth!

Kermit the Frog:
Well, Why not complain to the owner?

The El Sleezo Cafe owner:
I am the owner!

Kermit:
Uh, Miss Piggy, Is that you?

Doc Hopper:
Yes, That's her. And this is Doc Hopper. Let me tell you something. Come outside of the hotel right now. My guys will be waiting for you.

Kermit:
But what if I don't!

Doc Hopper:
Then your pig friend will be ham-hocked for breakfast.

Miss Piggy:
(Screams) No, Kermie. Don't don't.....

[Doc Hopper hangs up the phone and laughs at Miss Piggy]

Doctor Max Krassman:
I must reach the switch, I must. Reach it....

Miss Piggy:
HAI-YAH! (Crashes into the machine) (To Kermit) Come out, Kermit!

Kermit the Frog:
(In tears of joy) Oh, Thank you!

[Miss Piggy kicks the mad doctor and sets off the machine]

Doctor Max Krassman:
(Screams when he leans on the chair), Ribbit! Ribbit! Ribbit! Ribbit! Ha! (He faints)

Bernie the Agent:
HELP! HELLO! THIS'S A SERIOUS CALL FOR HELP!

Kermit the Frog:
Uh, Yeah?

Bernie the Agent:
SOMEONE? HELP! Oh, You, you with the banjo. Can you help me? I have lost my sense of direction!

Kermit the Frog:
Have you tried Hare Krishna?

Bernie the Agent:
(chuckles) No. No, I mean, I'm really lost.

Kermit the Frog:
Uh, one second. (snaps at fly) Darn, I missed. You know, that's the first thing to go on a frog, his tongue. The tongue goes and you can't catch flies.

Bernie the Agent:
Oh, that's rough, I'm sorry about your tongue, but, I have to get out of this swamp. I have to catch a plane.

Kermit the Frog:
With that tongue? No way! But seriously, there's a boat dock just downstream.

Bernie the Agent:
Thank you.

Kermit the Frog:
Just watch for the alligators.

Bernie the Agent:
I will. Alligators!?

Kermit the Frog:
That's right.

Bernie the Agent:
Did you say, alligators?

Kermit the Frog:
Read my lips "Al-li-ga-tors".

Bernie the Agent:
It's just that I'm not used to alligators where I come from. See, I'm an agent. I winged in from Hollywood.

Kermit the Frog:
Hollywood?

Bernie the Agent:
: That's right.

Kermit the Frog:
Did you say "Hollywood"?

Bernie the Agent:
Read my lips, Hol-ly-wood. You know, [singing] Hollywood. The dream factory, the magic store. Hey, don't you ever go to the movies?

Kermit the Frog:
Oh, sure, there's a double feature in town every Saturday.

Bernie the Agent:
(Snaps his finger) Wait a minute, wait a minute. (Grabs the newspaper ad to Kermit to read) There's an ad in here that you should be very interested in. Feast your eyes on that.

Kermit the Frog:
Uh, "World Wide Studios announces open auditions for frogs wishing to become rich and famous?" Well, thanks anyway, but I'm really pretty happy where I am.

Bernie the Agent:
Oh, oh, if I were you, I would give this audition very careful consideration. You've got talent, kid--singin', tellin' jokes, I mean, if you get your tongue fixed, who knows? You could make millions of people happy.

Kermit the Frog:
Millions of people happy...

Bernie the Agent:
Millions! Hey, If you ever come west to Hollywood, look me up, Bernie the Agent.

Kermit the Frog:
Hey, listen, Bernie the agent, why don't you say hello to Arnie the alligator?

Bernie the Agent:
What!? (rows away in a panic, yelling as the alligators pursues him)

Kermit the Frog:
Arnie! Arnie, wait a minute. Careful, Arnie.

Bernie the Agent:
STAY! STAY!

Kermit the Frog:
Arnie, that's okay, leave him alone! He's from Hollywood.

The Beauty Pageant host:
Before we announce the winner, We would like to thank the judges of today's contest! Edgar Bergen and Charlie McCarthey!

Charlie McCarthey:
You are not gonna believe who is the winner is, folks.

Edgar Bergen:
Come on, Charlie. It's their movie.

Charlie McCarthey:
So, it is.

[They both laugh]

The Beauty Pageant host:
And here she is! The winner of the Bogen County Beatuy Pageant is: MISS PIGGY!

Sgt. Floyd Pepper:
When do you dudes have to be at the audition?

Kermit the Frog:
2:00 tomorrow afternoon!

Dr. Teeth:
Well, Then climb aboard the bus! We will have breakfast at Hollywood and vine!

Kermit the Frog:
A motorcycle cop is chasing us! [We see a police officer on motorcycle chasing the bus] Hey, Dr. Teeth, You better pull over.

Dr. Teeth:
Easier done than said. [The police officer gets off his motor cycle]. Hey! Hey! Hey! It's the man with the badge. The police, the cops, the fuzz, the P.I....

Miss Piggy:
DON'T YOU DARE!!

Dr. Teeth:
I wouldn't think of it.

Kermit the Frog:
Did we do something wrong, Officer?

[The police officer reveals to be Doc Hopper's friend, Max].

Crowd:
Oh, look.

Miss Piggy:
Kermit, it's him.

Kermit the Frog:
Okay, guys. Let him explain.

Max:
This whole disguise is so that I can warn you.

Fozzie:
Yeah, sure.

Max:
I never thought Doc was gonna hurt Kermit, I thought he was gonna lean on him! But now he's got this frog killer in from the coast! And the man's deadly!

[Everybody gasps]

Kermit the Frog:
Hey, Dr. Teeth! What's straight ahead?

Dr. Teeth:
Just an old ghost town.

Kermit the Frog:
Good. Just tell Doc Hopper, I will wait for him there.

Max:
WHAT?!?

Fozzie:
But, Kermit! You are going to get killed!

Kermit the Frog:
Hey, listen. I cannot spend my whole life running away from bullies. It's time for a showdown.

Lew Lord (CEO and chairman of World Wide Studios):
(To the intercom) Miss Tracy, prepare the standard 'rich and famous' contract for Kermit the Frog and company.

Scooter:
(Holds the clapboard the wrong way) Okay, Muppet Movie, Scenery 1A, Take One! (Hurts his hand from the clapboard)

Beaker:
Makeup's ready!

Dr. Bunsen Honeydew:
Sound's ready.

Kermit the Frog:
(On Megaphone) Okay, Stand by, Here we go!

[last line]

Animal:
GO HOME!!! GO HOME!!! Bye Bye! (faints as we see the caption read This film is dedicated to the memories and magic of Edgar Bergen (1903-1978).)

[last line]

Animal:
Go home! Go home! Bye-bye.[faints]

Doctor Max Krassman:
What the heck's goin' on here? A pig that goes bananas? What is this, a luau?

Cameo Guest Stars:
Edgar Bergen as Himself and the voice of Charlie McCarthy

Cameo Guest Stars:
Milton Berle as Mad Man Mooney

Cameo Guest Stars:
Mel Brooks as Professor Max Krassman

Cameo Guest Stars:
James Coburn as the owner of El Sleezo Cafe

Cameo Guest Stars:
Dom DeLuise as Bernie the Agent

Cameo Guest Stars:
Elliott Gould as a Beauty Contest M.C.

Cameo Guest Stars:
Bob Hope as an Ice Cream vendor

Cameo Guest Stars:
Madeline Kahn as a patron at El Sleezo

Cameo Guest Stars:
Carol Kane as Myth

Cameo Guest Stars:
Cloris Leachman as Lord's Secretary

Cameo Guest Stars:
Steve Martin as an insolent waiter

Cameo Guest Stars:
Richard Pryor as Balloon Vender

Cameo Guest Stars:
Telly Savalas as El Sleezo Tough

Cameo Guest Stars:
Orson Welles as Lew Lord

Cameo Guest Stars:
Paul Williams as the pianist at El Sleezo

The Muppet Performers:
Richard Hunt as Scooter, and Statler