The New Guy

Luther:
High school is a lot like prison: Bad food, high fences; the sex you want, you ain't gettin', the sex you gettin', you don't want. I've seen terrible things.

Dizzy:
Yesterday, an eighty-year-old librarian broke my penis.

Luther:
You win.

Danielle:
I don't even know what to call you.

Dizzy/Gil:
Broke-dick seems to be popular.

Luther:
You know those moments when a man makes a decision that'll change his entire life and he steps up to become the hero he was meant to be? This ain't one of those moments.

Glen:
I imagine God having an ass like that. Did that sound gay?

Luther:
If you're gonna talk the talk, you gotta walk the walk. Otherwise you'll be lined in chalk.

Nora:
He's got kind of a... Brad Pitt thing going there.

Glen:
I saw a little... Anne Heche there too. Does *that* sound gay?

Danielle:
Carmen: more cheer, less pole dance, 'kay? You don't want guys stuffing bills down your panties.

Carmen:
What panties?

Connor:
What are you doing, freak?

Dizzy:
Knocking you into the hall, and me into the history books.

Connor:
I think I oughta go over there and kick his ass.

Danielle:
That's great, because I've always dreamed of dating the expelled guy.

Courtney:
Expelled guys rock!

Dizzy:
The point is, today nobody stuffed me in my locker or singed off my ass hair.

Kirk:
That is, without doubt, the sluttiest girl I have ever seen.

Glen:
You have to do her, and while you're doing her, think of me. Okay that sounded gay.

Kirk:
If anyone's lost a pair of balls we have found them. Wait, there's a name here. Dizzy Harrison, please pick your balls up and scrotum, that's balls and scrotum at counter 5.

Music Store Employee(Seth):
That's my microphone!

Dizzy:
Did we give up when Pearl Harbor was bombed?

Football player #72:
Hey, I thought that movie made money.

Luther:
Sorry you had to see that. I've been in prison for a long time.

[teaching Dizzy how to fight]

Clem:
First thing you wanna do is gouge the dude's eyes out.

Luther:
Hey, it's just kids in high school.

Clem:
Oh. So you're gonna want to fight dirty.

Luther:
If you're going to talk the talk, you have to walk the walk, or else you'll get outlined in chalk.

Dizzy:
We're not playing Everquest, Kirk, we're on planet Earth.

Kiki Pierce:
Denial is not just a river in Egypt!

Kiki Pierce:
[to Dizzy's dad] I'm afraid your son has Tourettes Syndrome.

Dizzy:
Are you out of your f***ing mind?

Glen:
The Crowd... they're animals!

Nora:
No animals are nicer. They don't boo when they're killing something.

Luther:
Yes indeedy feed the needy

Courtney:
You wanna' come upstairs with me?

Dizzy:
Um... I...

Courtney:
You wanna' make out with me?

Dizzy:
Uh... oh well...

Courtney:
Wanna' take my clothes off with your teeth?

Dizzy:
[silence]

Courtney:
Ok, you talked me into it! [as she moves towards the building] Aren't you coming?

Dizzy:
Almost...

Dizzy/Gil:
Who's da b*tch now?

Dizzy/Gil:
Don't make me do crazy eyes...

Luther:
In high school, popularity ain't no contest. It's a war. And Dizzy Harrison is it's greatest casualty. See, his story is really my story, because behind every so-called hero is a little pissed-off dude that don't get no *credit!*

Tina:
Didn't they tie you up last year and make you wear rubber breasts?

Dizzy:
You remember, that's really sweet! You know I've been thinking. We're seniors now, and um, maybe sometime if you wanted to drink coffee, you know, um, near me... I would pay!

Tina:
Truthfully, you're not my...

Dizzy:
Type.

Dizzy:
At least as blips we were invisible. If you break your dick in front of the whole school, people remember that.

Connor:
You are not going over there.

Danielle:
Well I wasn't. Now I am. Later.

Pete:
Hey man, she just dissed you.

Connor:
Dude! Shut up!

Kirk:
My dad loves this bike more than he loves me.

Dizzy:
That's not true.

Kirk:
Yeah it is. He wrote it in my birthday card.

Connor:
What was that about?

Danielle:
Asking the new guy a favor.

Connor:
And what could you possibly need from him?

Danielle:
Just things I'm not getting elsewhere...

Connor:
Oh, what? You're impressed because this guy showed up on a horse?

Danielle:
No, I'm impressed because he showed up for me. [to Dizzy] Let's go.

Pete:
She just dissed you again.

Connor:
Dude, do you *ever* shut up?

Coach:
You stole my horse, maggot! Do you know what the penalty is in this state for stealing another man's horse?

Dizzy/Gil:
Death?

Coach:
This isn't Iraq, son.

Mr. Undine:
We got a homecoming dance coming up in a month or so and it has been the most god-awful experience for everyone involved, right Coach? [Coach winces] Do you have any ideas on how we might turn this thing around?

Dizzy/Gil:
Good music?

Mr. Undine:
[Enlightened] Music! Hey, that is a fantastic idea, son. You see that? Hey!

Connor:
Hey buddy, you know what the homeless need? A midget.

Pete:
Why would the homeless need a midget?

Connor:
Dude, shut up!

Courtney:
Before I met Gil, I probably would've just looked at you with disgust and walked away wiggling my ass just so you'd know what you were missing.

Kirk:
Yeah, well, the universe is upside down.

Courtney:
And in a few minutes, you will be too.

Bear:
[roasting marshmallows] Remember: Turn, don't burn.

Dizzy:
[stealing the mic from the Gospel preacher] Ladies and gentleman! Brothers and sisters! I'd like to talk to you all about sex! The devil's middle name, sex! You know what the best form of sexual abstinence is? Being me. Can I get an amen?

Nora:
Amen!

Dizzy:
You wanna talk about some pain? Lemme hear ya! You wanna talk about pain?

Gospel Singer:
That boy's got the spirit.

Reverend:
He's an idiot.

Dizzy:
If ever a member of the opposite sex ever told you you are not her type...

Crowd:
AMEN!

Dizzy:
Let me hear you shout amen-ah! If you ever had duct tape-ah ripped off-ah your naked buttocks-ah...

Crowd:
AMEN!

Dizzy:
Let me hear you shout amen. If you ever had your manhood right-angled in front of the entire congregation, now let me hear you shout amen!

Luther:
You been lookin' at my Janet?

Glen:
I think the question is how would Gil get jiggy with this Courtney chick and make her say, "Who's your daddy?" [Nora hits him] While *respecting* her as a woman.