The Pacifier

Lulu:
Why are your b*obs so big?

Shane Wolf:
They're not b*obs.

Shane Wolf:
I think it's time you went nappy-poo in beddy-bye land.

Lulu:
Do I look like I'm five to you?

Lulu:
Land! Solid Land!!.

Shane Wolfe:
Atten-hut! Here's our man. Professor Howard Plummer. He's been kidnapped by a group of Serbian rebels.

Scott:
Yo, fool, handle me like that again and I'll lay knuckles upside your head.

Zoe:
Okay! Enough is enough! Come on, Scott. Let's go. Come on.

Shane Wolfe:
[pulls Scott back] No, you don't. Get back here. Give me 20.

[Scott pulls out his wallet to give Shane $20]

Shane Wolfe:
I meant push-ups!

Scott:
Zoe?

Shane Wolfe:
Drop down! Do 20! [Scott does push-ups]

Seth:
What are you doing?

Shane Wolfe:
You're burning daylight! Move!

Seth:
It's Sunday. And it's 6:00 am! You're insane!

Lulu:
Do you know kung-fu?

Shane Wolfe:
Yes.

Lulu:
Have you ever punch a guy so hard his head came off?

Shane Wolfe:
No.

Lulu:
Why are your b*obs so big?

Shane Wolfe:
[shocked] They are not... b*obs.

Lulu:
Do you have to wear a bra? Will mine be as big as yours one day?

Shane Wolfe:
You know what, little girl? I think it's time you went nappy-poo in beddy-bye land.

Lulu:
Do I look like I'm five to you?

Shane Wolfe:
What did I say?

Lulu:
Disrespectful. And to think I was interested in you.

Helga:
[to Shane] Tell me, are you licenses to kill?

Shane Wolfe:
...No.

Helga:
Hmm. Too bad. It could have come in handy.

Bill Fawcett:
Any last words, Shane?

Shane Wolfe:
Say good night, Peter Panda.

[The safe opens up, and knocks Bill on the head and knocked him to the floor.]

Julie Plummer:
Shane, are you okay?

[Julie punches Mrs. Chun the face.]

Julie Plummer:
She was never a good neighbor.

Shane Wolfe:
Gary, now!

[Gary eats Mr. Chun in the crotch and screaming. Claire kick the back patch, roll on my back again and feet with my neck.]

Claire Fletcher:
Couldn't let you have all the fun.

Claire Fletcher:
Looks like you have a hit on your hands.

Shane Wolfe:
You think so?

Claire Fletcher:
Mm-hmm. You should take over the drama department instead of the wrestling team.

[She and Shane chuckle]

Claire Fletcher:
It's gonna be nice having you around now. Now that Murney's found his true calling.

Murney:
[singing] Climb every mountain/Ford every stream

Shane Wolfe:
It's gonna be my pleasure serving with you.

[He and Claire share a kiss]

Shane Wolfe:
[first lines] Atten-hut! Here's our man. Professor Howard Plummer. He's been kidnapped by a group of Serbian rebels. Yeah, I know we've been up for 72 hours, but I expect perfection. Nothing else. They enemy has a boat, 4 jet skis and a chopper.

Lulu Plummer:
Shane! You can't do this! Yon can't leave a man behind!

Seth Plummer:
Hold on, I got it.

[open bottle with milk awake Shane]

Zoe and Lulu Plummer:
Shane!

Zoe Plummmer:
Where's Mom?

Shane Wolfe':
Mom? I'll find her. You guys run and get help! [kids running in the Julie's car.] Hurry!

Lulu Plummer:
Are you sure you're gonna be okay?

Shane Wolfe:
Yes, Lulu. Go, get help.

Zoe Plummer:
Oh, my God! What do we do?

Seth Plummer:
Find a cop!

Zoe Plummer:
He's gaining on us.

Seth Plummer:
I'll handle it.

Seth Plummer:
Zoe, you're going too fast! You're not gonna have time to stop!

Zoe Plummer:
Who said anything about stopping? I'm parking.

Shane Wolfe:
Got them here. My fault.

Murney:
Yeah, I always said these kids needed a parole officer. I guess Mrs. Plummer thought so too, huh? Wow, you got a real upper torso going on, huh? You ever do any time?

Seth:
[low] Sasquatch.

Murney:
You got something to say, boy?

Seth:
No.

Murney:
No? Good. Wow, it looks like you have a pair of legs coming out of your shoulders. You hit the gym a lot, do you?

Shane Wolfe:
Eh.

Seth:
[low tone] Woolly mammoth.

Murney:
All right, you know what, Creeper? You just bought yourself an extra 15 minutes on the mats with the Murninator!

Shane Wolfe:
Excuse me, Lieutenant Shane Wolfe. I'm watching the kids for the Plummers, a few days.

Murney:
Oh, babysitter, huh? Well, good, whatever job you can get, right? I'm Murney, Dwayne Murney. My friends call me "Little Puppet". I'm the VP here. I'm in charge of discipline, conduct and truancy from top to bottom, K through 12. You're in my house now, strong man.

Shane Wolfe:
You're the vice principal.

Murney:
And the wrestling coach. See the Creeper over there? He has played hooky from every wrestling practice this month. And her, she has missed 22 Driver's Ed classes out of 23! These are the worst students in my school. I'm ashamed of...

Claire Fletcher:
Your school? Good morning, kids. [clears throat] Mr. Murney, thank you so much for watching my chair for me. I'll take it from here.

Murney:
Roger that. Absolutely. I was just informing our new friend here about some of the duties as vice principal.

Claire Fletcher:
Yes, and speaking of which, how's it going with the investigation into the baloney slices on the cafeteria ceiling?

Murney:
Oh, that's been taking some interesting turns.

Claire Fletcher:
You just keep up the good work.

Murney:
Right then. I'll be on the roof.

Claire Fletcher:
Bye, now. All right, kids, I think it's time to get back to class. I'll cut you some slack seeing as it's Lieutenant Wolfe's first day. Thank you.

Seth:
Hey!

Shane Wolfe:
Enough!

Murney:
All right, you heard the lady. Let's break it up, guys. Come on. Hmm? Relax, Popeye. Boys will be boys, huh? Anyway, it's kinda good for the creeper. Gives him a chance to punk up. Learn to defend himself.

Shane Wolfe:
Six against one?

Murney:
Well, you know, the odds are never pretty, but look at it, as like, a preparation for him. You know, the naked streets of Bethesda can be so dark and dangerous, right, creeper? [Seth angrily tries to attack Murney, but Shane restrains him]

Shane Wolfe:
Ooh, whoa.

Murney:
You're pretty quick there, frogman. I, myself, happen to be a blackbelt. That's why they wanted me to coach the wrestling team. Ooh-aah! Sensei. You know what that's called, homeboy? Total control. You all right? Hmm? I tell you what, maybe sometime you can pop by our wrestling class, and we'll show a couple pros how it's done. What do you think? I'll go easy on you.

Shane Wolfe:
I'm on duty.

Murney:
You're on duty. Oh, that's right. That's right, you're a babysitter. So it's kind of like "doo-doo duty". Don't worry about it. We'll do it on a day when you're not washing your hair, hmm? And I'll see you in class. At ease.

Shane Wolfe:
That guy don't have his head on right.

Seth:
I was fine! I don't need your help!

Shane Wolfe:
Okay, so she wrecked the Driver's Ed car. The insurance will pay for it.

Murney:
They were parallel parking when the instructor jumped from the car. But it's not about her. It's about the boy.

Shane Wolfe:
Has he been skipping class again?

Claire Fletcher:
Skipping class? He always skips sixth period, but...

Murney:
All right, Seth! Okay, take off the hat.

Shane Wolfe:
Go ahead.

Murney:
Look at that. That's how he showed up for practice today. And that's not all. I was doing a little recon in his locker and I found this, okay? Now if it was a girlie magazine or a hamster, fine. Boys will be boys. But this is sick.

Shane Wolfe:
All right, he dyed his hair. He's not a Nazi.

Claire Fletcher:
This is not normal. We're very concerned. [bell rings] All right, kids, why don't you get back to class? Mr. Murney, would you give me a minute? Look, I'm sure this is about their father. We've tried to get Seth and Zoe to talk to the school psychologist, but they won't. Maybe you can get through to them and see what's going on?

Shane Wolfe:
I'll talk to them and see what I can do.

Claire Fletcher:
Thanks.

Zoe:
Come on, Seth! You've been in there for an hour! Thanks a lot, Lieutenant Loser! Now I'm gonna be the school joke. I don't even know what I'm gonna say to my friends.

Shane Wolfe:
You call those people your friends? They have no respect for you. They have no respect for your home. You have no respect for yourself!

Zoe:
I do, too, respect myself!

Shane Wolfe:
Company downstairs. And that means you too.

Zoe:
You're not my dad. In case you haven't noticed, this family is going through a really hard time, and you're just making everything a lot worse. You have no feelings. We hate you, and you hate us. So why don't you just leave us alone?

Shane Wolfe:
Don't worry. When your mom comes back, I'm gone. [crash] Now what?

Zoe:
Scott.

Helga:
[to Shane] Tell me, are you licensed to kill?

Shane Wolfe:
No, ma'am.

Helga:
Hmm. Too bad. It could have come in handy.

Shane Wolfe:
Where's the baby? [Lulu points to the kitchen] Is there anyone here who understands the meaning of the word "discipline"?

Helga:
Hey, Flipper, you don't like it? Do something. I make bottle. [Peter throws some cereal onto Helga and Tyler cries] Thank you, Peter.

Lulu Plummer:
Land! Solid land!!