The Pink Panther

[Having made her tipsy with champagne, Sir Charles Lytton kisses Princess Dala]

Princess Dala:
If I were my father, I'd have you tortured.

Sir Charles Lytton:
No. If you were your father, I doubt very much if I would have kissed you.

[At a costume ball, a police sergeant costumed as a zebra drinks from the punch bowl]

Inspector Jacques Clouseau:
Any more behaviour like this and I'll have your stripes!

[Clouseau bumps into a woman dressed as Cleopatra. He hands back her rubber snake]

Woman:
Take your filthy hands off my asp!

Princess Dala:
[tipsy from champagne] When I went on my first zsrafari... frazari... wild animal hunt.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau:
What kind of candle is zis?

[last lines]

Police escort:
Tell me, inspector - Signor Phantom - all those robberies. How did you ever manage it?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau:
Well, you know... it wasn't easy.

[first title card]

Title card:
Once upon a time

[first lines]

Gem dealer 1:
As in every stone of this size, there is a flaw.

Sultan:
A flaw?

Gem dealer 2:
The slightest flaw, your excellency.

Gem dealer 1:
If you look deep into the stone, you will perceive the tiniest discoloration. It resembles an animal.

Sultan:
An animal?

Gem dealer 1:
A little panther.

Sultan:
Yes! A pink panther. Come here, Dala. A gift to your father from his grateful people. Some day it will be yours. The most fabulous diamond in all the world. Come closer.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau:
At times like this, I wish I was but a simple peasant.

Simone Clouseau:
It's times like this that make me realize how lucky I really am.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau:
We must find that woman! [slides off the globe]

Inspector Jacques Clouseau:
I am willing to bet you ten thousand francs, that the phantom is in Cortina at this very moment. Even, perhaps, in this very room.

Simone Clouseau:
How exciting. What do you think, Mr. Tucker?

Tucker:
Oh, I agree with the inspector. You see, Ten of his last fifteen victims have been guests at Angela Dunning's parties.

Sir Charles Lytton:
What are we all talking about?

Simone Clouseau:
The notorious Phantom.

Princess Dala:
I'm afraid I never heard of him.

Sir Charles Lytton:
From the little I've read about him, he seems to be quite a fellow.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau:
Believe me. There are few thieves who are as clever as the Phantom. Each theft is completely different and unique, classic in its conception.

George Lytton:
I thought you were working on the theory that he does repeat himself.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau:
Well, only as far as Angela Dunning's parties are concerned. However, there is one other duplication, but that is his ah... trademark, his calling card, so to speak. He always leaves a white monogrammed glove.

Princess Dala:
Sounds terribly theatrical.

Tucker:
Your Highness, if I were the Phantom, I'd have chosen my victim already.

Princess Dala:
Really? And who would that be?

Tucker:
Well, who owns the most fabulous diamond in the world?

Princess Dala:
I suppose I do.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau:
Exactly. The Pink Panther. Such a prize he could never resist. He would be bound to try for it.

Princess Dala:
I'm afraid he'd be disappointed. The Pink Panther is in my safe, at...

Inspector Jacques Clouseau:
[interrupting] Your Highness, please. Don't say it, not here.

Sir Charles Lytton:
[dressed in gorilla suit] Come back. It's me.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau:
[chasing after the diamond thief] Come on, now! Faster! Faster! [toots horn] What's the matter with you? Can't you drive this thing faster? [toots horn] Come on. I tell you, this is the road they've gone up. [toots horn] Don't argue with me. I'm telling you, I know where they've gone!

Sir Charles Lytton:
[dressed as a gorilla] Hi George. Any idea how we get out of here?

George Lytton:
[dressed as a gorilla] I don't know. I've been all over this place. I've been up this street, up that one, up that one. How are we gonna get out here?

Sir Charles Lytton:
[dressed as a gorilla] Why don't you try the high road up there?

George Lytton:
[dressed as a gorilla] Okay. I'll take the high road, you take the low road. So long, Uncle Charles.

Sir Charles Lytton:
[dressed as a gorilla] Ciao, George.

Woman:
I've never really known another man like him. He can keep ten girls in the air at once and make each one happy.

Princess Dala:
Amazing, sort of a contemporary Don Juan?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau:
Simone! Where is my Sur?t?-Scotland-Yard-type mackintosh?

Simone Clouseau:
If I'm not being too nosy your highness, I read somewhere there was some dispute over the ownership of the Pink Panther.

Princess Dala:
It belongs to me. It was a gift from my late father. I shall never surrender it.

Sir Charles Lytton:
Why should you?

Princess Dala:
When the present government seized power, they claimed the diamond was the property of the people. There's even some talk of the international court deciding the issue.

Sir Charles Lytton:
I'll tell you what, why don't I steal the diamond, leave that old glove or whatever it is behind, and you and I can split the insurance.

Princess Dala:
All right.

George Lytton:
I feel like dancing.

[to Princess Dala]

George Lytton:
Your Highness?

Princess Dala:
I'd love to.

Sir Charles Lytton:
[to Simone] How about you, Madame?

Simone Clouseau:
Yes, of course.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau:
Your leg is better, Sir. Charles?

Sir Charles Lytton:
What?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau:
I say your leg is better.

Sir Charles Lytton:
Oh, yes. Much better. Thank you.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau:
You know, Mr. Tucker...

[scalds his hand]

Inspector Jacques Clouseau:
Argh!

[put his burnt hand into Mr. Tucker's beer]

Tucker:
That's my beer, old man.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau:
[having stepped on and broken the violin] Oh well, if you've seen one Stradivarius, you've seen them all.

Simone Clouseau:
If I'm not being too nosy your highness, I read somewhere there was some dispute over the ownership of the Pink Panther.

Princess Dala:
It belongs to me. It was a gift from my late father. I shall never surrender it.

Sir Charles Lytton:
Why should you?

Princess Dala:
When the present government seized power, they claimed the diamond was the property of the people. There's even some talk of the international court deciding the issue.

Sir Charles Lytton:
I'll tell you what, why don't I steal the diamond, leave that old glove or whatever it is behind, and you and I can split the insurance.

Princess Dala:
All right.

George Lytton:
I feel like dancing. [to Princess Dala] Your Highness?

Princess Dala:
I'd love to.