The Pirates! In an Adventure with Scientists

[first lines]

Servant:
Admiral Collingwood!

Queen Victoria:
Well, Admiral?

Admiral:
Great news, Your Majesty! The French are defeated at last. Also the Russians, the Portuguese, the Chinese, and the Welsh.

Queen Victoria:
Then our navy rules the ocean?

Admiral:
[nervously] Almost entirely, your Majesty.

Queen Victoria:
Almost?

[Admiral gestures weakly. British flags cover the globe, except in one tiny corner of the Caribbean.]

Admiral:
Unfortunately, just here we're still having a little trouble with [gulps] p- p-pirates.

[Victoria looks up Very scary]

Queen Victoria:
[contained fury] What does it say on my Royal Crest, Admiral?

[Admiral looks up sheepishly to the Royal Coat of Arms.]

Admiral:
"I hate pirates", ma'am.

Queen Victoria:
Exactly, hate them, with their idiotic shanties! And their ridiculous hats! And their endless blasted ROARING!!! I want them sunk, Admiral!! Scuppered, smashed, fed to the sharks!! Do you hear me?! I... HATE... PIRATES!!!

[In a fury she snatches up a lethal carving knife and smashes it into the table.]

Pirate Captain:
Avast! I’m the pirate captain, and I’m here for your gold!

Sailor:
Gold? This is a plague boat, old man. I’d give my right arm for gold. [his left arm falls off] Or my left.

Pirate Captain:
Right, then, Charles. When is this science show of yours?

Charles Darwin:
A week tomorrow.

Pirate Captain:
Ahhh, confound it. You see, we could've made that with a good wind behind us, but unfortunately, there's this dirty great sea monster in the way.

Charles Darwin:
Um, I... I... I think they just add those on the maps for decoration, Captain.

Pirate Captain:
Is that a fact? Well blow me down.

Pirate Captain:
What pirates? Nobody here but us girl scouts! (Girl Guides, UK Version)

[the crew is disguised in scout uniforms]

Albino Pirate:
I got a badge for looting

Black Bellamy:
You want to be Pirate of the Year? Do they just give it to the guy with the fattest parrot?

Pirate Captain:
She's not fat, she's just big-boned!

Black Bellamy:
She's fat, dude.

[Polly vomits on Bellamy]

Black Bellamy:
Oh, come on!

Pirate Captain:
[looks at Darwin's house] You don't get many girls, do you?

Bobo:
No. He. Doesn't.

Pirate Captain:
Avast! I'm the pirate captain, and I'm here for your gold!

Sailor:
Gold? Afraid we don't have any gold, old man. This is a leper boat. [his arm falls off] See?

Pirate Who Loves Sunsets and Kittens:
The Pirate of the Year Awards...

Pirate Captain:
Every time I've entered, I've failed to win. So, I must have a really good chance this time!

[first lines]

Servant:
Admiral Collingwood!

Queen Victoria:
Well, Admiral?

Admiral:
Great news, Your Majesty! The French are defeated at last. Also the Russians, the Portuguese, the Chinese, and the Welsh.

Queen Victoria:
Then our navy rules the ocean?

Admiral:
[nervously] Almost entirely, your Majesty.

Queen Victoria:
Almost?

[Admiral gestures weakly. British flags cover the globe, except in one tiny corner of the Caribbean.]

Admiral:
Unfortunately, just here we're still having a little trouble with [gulps] p- p-pirates.

[Victoria looks up Very scary]

Queen Victoria:
[contained fury] What does it say on my Royal Crest, Admiral?

[Admiral looks up sheepishly to the Royal Coat of Arms.]

Admiral:
"I hate pirates", ma'am.

Queen Victoria:
Exactly, hate them, with their idiotic shanties! And their ridiculous hats! And their endless blasted ROARING!!! I want them sunk, Admiral!! Scuppered, smashed, fed to the sharks!! Do you hear me?! I... HATE... PIRATES!!!

[In a fury she snatches up a lethal carving knife and smashes it into the table, which then transitions to the pirate who likes sunsets and kittens slamming a dagger on the table in the ship.]

The Pirate Who Likes Sunsets & Kittens:
It's the looting.

The Pirate With Gout:
It's the cutlasses.

The Pirate Who Likes Sunsets & Kittens:
It's... the LOOTING!

The Pirate With Gout:
It's the cutlasses!

[cut to the exterior of the ship]

The Pirate Who Likes Sunsets & Kittens:
LOOTING!!!

The Pirate With Gout:
CUTLASSES!!!

The Pirate Who Likes Sunsets & Kittens:
LOOTING!!!

[A huge brawl in the ship starts. After a few seconds, the Pirate Captain kicks the door open and the fight stops.]

The Pirate Who Likes Sunsets & Kittens:
Sorry, captain.

The Pirate With Gout:
We were just discussing, "What's the best bit about being a pirate?"

Pirate Captain:
Oh, you were, were you?

The Pirate Who Likes Sunsets & Kittens:
I've suggested it might be the looting.

The Pirate With Gout:
Whereas I content, it's the shiny cutlasses.

Albino Pirate:
And I thought it was a chance to catch exotic diseases.

Pirate Captain:
Hmm. Well, you're all of you wrong. The best bit about being pirate isn't the looting or the cutlasses. It's not the grog, or the scurvy, or the scantily clad mermaids. The best bit about being a pirate... iiiiiissssssssss HAM NITE!!! [cuts a rope revealing a banner saying "HAM NITE"]

[the pirates all cheer as they set a table and take a seat]

Pirates:
HAM!!

[the Pirate Captain reveals a large glazed ham and winks; the Pirate Who Likes Sunsets & Kittens bangs the table, sending the ham in the air; the Pirate with the Scarf hands the Captain his cutlass, which uses to cut the ham into slices that land in each crew member's plate; the Captain's slice lands on his cutlasses as he dances and the crew watches from under the table]

The Pirate Who Likes Sunsets & Kittens:
Go, Captain! Go, Captain! Go, Captain!

[the Pirate Captain ends his dance with a split and his crew members cheer]

Albino Pirate:
It's like a meat ballet!

The Pirate With Gout:
To Ham Nite! And to the Pirate Captain!

Albino Pirate:
Pirate Captain!

[the crew cheers]

Pirate Captain:
[chuckles] How was that, Number Two?

The Pirate With The Scarf:
You still got it, Captain.

The Surprisingly Curvaceous Pirate:
[dreamily] I'd take a jellyfish to the face for that man.

Pirate Captain:
Now, now, shush, shush, shush. Settle down. Shush. It's not all about me.

The Pirate With Gout:
Don't be modest.

Pirate Captain:
No, no, no, behind every captain with glittering eyes and luxuriant beard, the crew of briny rogues!

Pirates:
Briny rogues!

Pirate Captain:
Ah, sure, some of you are as ugly as a sea cucumber!

The Pirate With Gout:
[chuckles] Get away with ya!

Pirate Captain:
Some of you are closer to being a chair or coat rack than a pirate! [gestures to a pirate with a peg leg, eyepatch, mechanical arm, and a cork nose] And some of you are just fish I've just dressed up in a hat. [gestures to a fish dressed as a pirate] But you're still the best crew a captain could wish for!

[the pirates cheer again]

The Pirate Who Likes Sunsets & Kittens:
Oh, oh! Don't forget Polly!

Pirate Captain:
Ah, ah, ah! And not forgetting... never forgetting... [The Pirate Who Likes Sunsets & Kittens pulls out Polly and puts her on the table] Polly! The finest parrot to sail the Seven Seas!

Pirate Captain:
Behind every captain, there's a crew. Sure, some of you are as ugly as a sea cucumber, some of you are closer to being a chair or coat rack than a pirate, and some of you are fish I've just dressed up in a hat...

Pirate Captain:
Fire those long things that go bang!

Pirate Captain:
You're the best crew a captain could wish for!

Pirate Captain:
And that's why, in a straight fight, a shark would probably beat Dracula.

Charles Darwin:
(writing in his journal) Journal of Charles Darwin. Day 93 aboard the Beagle. I have today discovered a new kind of barnacle, which I have categorized as in the order of Pygophora. I'll never get a girlfriend. I am so unhappy. [a few cannonballs whiz through his office; continues writing in his journal] And now I'm being attacked by pirates.

Cutlass Liz:
(from trailer) That trophy’s got my name on it.

Cutlass Liz:
Hello, Boys. You're probably all wondering, If I'm still as deadly as I am beautiful. Well, I am.

Cutlass Liz:
Peg-Leg, You pile of squid bait, Check it out, lubbers, The world's biggest diamond, That's baby's got my name on it.

Cutlass Liz:
Really?, If you've got so much booty, Then how come you're still sailing that old wreck?

Cutlass Liz:
Congratulations, Pirate Captain, Nobody deserves this more than you.

Cutlass Liz:
And that beard of yours, it drives me, crazy.

The Surprisingly Curvaceous Pirate:
I'd take a jellyfish in the face of that man.

The Surprisingly Curvaceous Pirate:
Are you going to... Are you going to enter again?

The Surprisingly Curvaceous Pirate:
Sorry, It's just, That's my favourite bit.

Queen Victoria:
I... HATE... PIRATES!!!

Queen Victoria:
One doesn't why. Perhaps its his luxuriant beard, or his gleaming teeth, or the way he smells faintly of coconuts, but we have taken a shine to this pirate.

Queen Victoria:
Pity you can't eat pirate, really. But you'd probably taste of barnacles. Whereas dear little Polly here is going to be absolutely... delicious!