The Return of the Living Dead

Casey:
Chuck, I never did like you. Oh, but God, hold me tight.

Trash:
Do you ever wonder about all the different ways of dying? You know, violently? And wonder, like, what would be the most horrible way to die?

Spider:
I try not too think about dying too much.

Trash:
Mm. Well for me, the worst way would be for a bunch of old men to get around me, and start biting and eating me alive.

Spider:
I see.

Trash:
First, they would tear off my clothes...

Chuck:
Hey, somebody get some light over here, Trash is taking off her clothes again.

Frank:
Watch your tongue, boy, if you like this job!

Freddy:
Like this job?

Burt Wilson:
I thought you said if we destroyed the brain, it'd die!

Frank:
It worked in the movie!

Burt Wilson:
Well, it ain't working now, Frank!

Freddy:
You mean the movie lied?

Zombie:
Send... more... paramedics.

Frank:
International treaty, all skeletons come from India.

Freddy:
No kidding, how come?

Frank:
How the hell do I know how come? The important question is, where do they get all the skeletons with perfect teeth?

Ernie Kaltenbrunner:
What the hell are in those bags?

Burt Wilson:
Uh... rabid weasels.

Ernie Kaltenbrunner:
What? What the hell are you doing with a bunch of rabid weasels?

Burt Wilson:
That's what I was trying to explain to you here, Ernie. They came in as part of a shipment. Of course, they weren't supposed to be rabid.

Casey:
Hey, is that Freddy?

Chuck:
Where?

Casey:
Over there, going into that building.

Chuck:
No. That is NOT Freddy.

Casey:
How would you know?

Chuck:
Because, why would Freddy be going into a mortuary?

Spider:
What do you want to do, Scuz, turn over gravestones?

Scuz:
No, I just want to look around the graveyard - I never seen one before.

Spider:
Haven't you ever been to a funeral?

Scuz:
I never knew anyone that died.

Paramedic #1:
You have no pulse, your blood pressure's zero-over-zero, you have no pupillary response, no reflexes and your temperature is 70 degrees.

Freddy:
Well, what does that mean?

Paramedic #1:
Well, it's a puzzle because, technically, you're not alive. Except you're conscious, so we don't know what it means.

Freddy:
Are you saying we're dead?

Paramedic #2:
Well, let's not jump to conclusions.

Freddy:
Are you saying we're dead?

Paramedic #2:
No conclusions.

Paramedic #1:
Obviously I didn't mean you were really dead. Dead people don't move around and talk.

Suicide:
How come you guys only come around when you need a ride someplace?

Spider:
'Cause you're one spooky motherf***er, man.

Freddy:
[to Tina] Gee... And now you made me hurt myself again! You made me break my hand completely off this time Tina! But I don't care Darlin', because I love you, and you've got to let me EAT YOUR BRAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIINS! WHERE ARE YOU!

Ernie Kaltenbrunner:
You can hear me?

1/2 Woman Corpse:
Yes.

Ernie Kaltenbrunner:
Why do you eat people?

1/2 Woman Corpse:
Not people. Brains.

Ernie Kaltenbrunner:
Brains only?

1/2 Woman Corpse:
Yes.

Ernie Kaltenbrunner:
Why?

1/2 Woman Corpse:
The PAIN!

Ernie Kaltenbrunner:
What about the pain?

1/2 Woman Corpse:
The pain of being DEAD!

Ernie Kaltenbrunner:
[laughing in surprise to his friends] It hurts... to be dead.

1/2 Woman Corpse:
I can feel myself rot.

Ernie Kaltenbrunner:
Eating brains... How does that make you feel?

1/2 Woman Corpse:
It makes the pain, go away!

Tarman:
BRAINS! Live brains!

Ethel Glover:
Hello, dear. How was your day?

Col. Horace Glover:
The usual. Crap.

Ethel Glover:
Oh, I'm sorry.

Col. Horace Glover:
What's for dinner?

Ethel Glover:
Your favourite: lamb chops!

Col. Horace Glover:
I had them for lunch.

Col. Horace Glover:
[on a secure military line] Sir, this is Colonel Glover. I'm sorry to disturb you at this hour, sir, but we're at Q-2 status. It looks like we've found that lost consignment of Easter eggs. Yes, sir, pretty sure. They've turned up in Louisville. I'm getting confirmations on this from the Louisville Police Department. Louisville, Kentucky, sir. [pause] Well, sir, it would be good news, except that the eggs have hatched.

Col. Horace Glover:
[on the telephone] Yes? Yes, Captain. I see. Very well. Put the call through to me. Yes, yes, put him on. [pause] Mister Wilson, where are you calling from? [pause] I see. When did this take place? And when was the tank first breached? [pause] Why didn't you call this number immediately? [pause] I see. It's understandable. What happened next? [pause] Oh, you did? And what effect did that have? [pause] I see. So what did you do then? [pause] And what did they do? [pause] I see. Really? How many did you say? And how many acres does this cemetery cover, sir? [pause] Yes. I see. Yes, I see. Of course. [pause] Thank you for your assistance, Mister Wilson. I'm going to switch you back to Captain Turner. He'll talk to you.

Spider:
What're they doin', man?

Burt Wilson:
[over the telephone to the Military Intelligence] Hang on a second, will ya? [to Spider] It's weird. These people seem to say they've been waiting for this to happen. Apparently, they've got some sort of contingency plan to deal with it.

Casey:
That's great!

Spider:
[suspiciously] What is this plan?

Burt Wilson:
[as a missile heads towards Louisville] Hey, listen! You hear something?

Freddy:
[cuts to Freddy breaking through the hatch to Tina and Ernie] Tinaaaaaaaaa!

Burt Wilson:
What about the bones Ernie?

Ernie Kaltenbrunner:
Bones are no problem. Hardest thing to burn is the heart.

Burt Wilson:
A heart, why?

Ernie Kaltenbrunner:
'cause it's just one big tough muscle.

Burt Wilson:
Yeah, but Ernie, I mean, c'mon, we don't want the heart sticking around!

Ernie Kaltenbrunner:
Then I'll turn it up hotter for the heart.

Burt Wilson:
Put that gun away, Ernie! Before you shoot somebody!

Spider:
[to Burt] Come on, you stupid honky!

Freddy:
I can finally see, the one thing... the one thing that will relieve this horrible suffering.

Tina:
What, Freddy?

Freddy:
A live... BRAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIN!

Freddy:
[to Tina] Tian, it was wrong of you to lock me up. I had to hurt myself to get out. But I forgive you darlin' and I know you're here, because I can smell your brains.

Freddy:
[Tina is crying and screaming] Go away!

Freddy:
I'm comming up tian!

Suicide:
You think this is a f***in' costume? This is a way of life.

[Burt is on the phone to the police squad captain]

Burt Wilson:
Listen, there's a bunch of people from the cemetery who are stark, staring, mad, and they'll kill you and eat you if they catch you. It's like a disease. It's like rabies, only faster, a lot faster. That's why you've got to come and get us out of here now... right now!

Spider:
I ain't in no mood to die tonight.

Chuck:
Hey, Casey, do you like sex with death?

Casey:
Yeah, so f*** off and die.

Burt Wilson:
One question, Frank: this guy screaming in here... you're sure he's a dead cadaver?

Frank:
Why don't you open the door and find out!

Burt Wilson:
[hesitates] Uh... no, that's allright Frank, I'll take your word for that.

Spider:
Coward!

Burt Wilson:
F*** you!

[referring to Suicide]

Casey:
Well, look who it is! Your friend and mine.

Suicide:
Hey, f*** you, ballbuster!

Burt Wilson:
You did what? You opened it? You stupid moron! You idiot! What's the matter with you Frank? Haven't I already told you never to even go near those goddamn tanks?

Frank:
What are we gonna do, Burt?

Burt Wilson:
I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I'm going to be sued by the Darrow Chemical Company. I might even be investigated by the government. I might become very famous. I might even lose my business. I might even go to jail, goddamn it! That's what I'm going to do!

Burt Wilson:
If that is a re-animated body, we're gonna have to kill it.

Freddy:
How do you kill something that's already dead?

Burt Wilson:
How do I know, Fred? Let me think!

Frank:
It's not a bad question, Burt.

Freddy:
What do doctors use to crack skulls with?

Frank:
[miming a screwing motion] Surgical drills!

Frank:
Let me ask you a question: did you ever see that movie, "Night of the Living Dead"?

Freddy:
Oh, yeah, yeah - that's the one where the corpses start eating the people, right? What about it?

Frank:
Did you know that story was based on a true case?

Freddy:
[chuckles] Aw, c'mon, you're shitting me, right?

Frank:
I ain't never been more serious in my life.

Tina:
Why don't we go to the park?

Scuz:
Oh we can't, the cops said they'd shoot us if we go back to the park.

Spider:
Yeah, and I ain't in no mood to die tonight.

Trash:
I like death.

Chuck:
I like death with sex. Casey, do you like sex with death?

Casey:
Yeah so f*** off and die.

Frank:
The army came in and closed it all off.

Freddy:
So how come you know about it?

Frank:
A typical army f*** up, the transportation department got the orders crossed. They sent those bodies here!

Tarman:
[Spotting the other survivors] More BRAINS!

Zombie:
Send more cops!

Ernie Kaltenbrunner:
What is that? What is that?

Spider:
It's dead people screamin'!

Spider:
[after gang pulls up to warehouse] Man, what a hideous, ugly place!

Trash:
I like it! It's a statement.

Tina:
Mister, they're out there and there's more of them in that warehouse on the other side of the graveyard.

Burt Wilson:
Which warehouse?

Tina:
The medical supply...

Burt Wilson:
Oh Sh*t! Sh*t! God damn!

Ernie Kaltenbrunner:
I think things are getting out of hand.

Tina:
Mister, there's a hundred of those things out there.

Burt Wilson:
A hundred?

Ernie Kaltenbrunner:
Freeze or you're dead!

Spider:
Don't shoot, man!

Ernie Kaltenbrunner:
Are you crazy? Are you on PCP?

Spider:
Nobody's on any drugs, man! Just let us in!

Tina:
What did you do to Freddy? What's wrong with him? Ask this man.

Spider:
You know, I think it's time you tell us what the f***'s going on!

Burt Wilson:
I don't have to tell you anything, dick brain.