The Ridiculous 6

General George Custer:
[regarding Ramon's shocked-face signal to begin the heist] You know, I make that same face when I put my cologne on in the morning, especially when I'm home alone.

Never Wears Bra:
[Walks out of her tepee and stretches] Good morning, boys,

Tommy aka White Knife:
Good morning, Never Wears Bra.

Never Wears Bra:
I had dream about you last night, White Knife.

Tommy aka White Knife:
Oh, that's nice.

Never Wears Bra:
Not nice dream. In dream you naughty, you naughty, White Knife.

Frank Stockburn:
Somebody's got an admirer!

Danny:
That is some mystical sh*t!

Lil' Pete:
Hey, friend. Need any help getting her out?

Ramon:
She's not really stuck, amigo. She's just a diversion.

Lil' Pete:
She's a virgin? I'm a virgin, too... unless you count cantaloupes.

Ramon:
I believe that, but she's a diversion to keep the banker busy so that my brother has time to rob the bank.

Lil' Pete:
You're robbing the bank? Gall dang!

Ramon:
So, do you new brothers have any special skills that could help us out here tonight?

Chico:
Like what?

Ramon:
Like you know, Tommy's good with knives, Lil Pete's got a bonus nipple, I got a burro, Herm is good at strangling.

Danny:
I can hold my breath for six minutes.

Chico:
Well, I can play the piano with my dick.

Tommy aka White Knife:
Well, we're unstoppable then.

Danny:
I did a real stupid thing that inadvertently led to the death of a United States president, I'm feeling pretty lousy about it.

Frank Stockburn:
Well son, look at my eyes... Sh*t happens!

Danny:
Yeah. Thanks. Thank you, sir.

Ramon:
My mother's Swedish.

Tommy aka White Knife:
I don't think so. I reckon she's Mexican.

Ramon:
Lying b*tch!

Tommy aka White Knife:
[Playing baseball] Okay, that's two past ya. So you're done, right?

Abner DoubleDay:
No, no, I said three times.

Short Stop:
No, you said two.

Abner DoubleDay:
I said three! Three strikes and I'm out. I know what I said, shortstop. That's your new name, Short Stop, that's right. Now and forever, forever and ever, Short Stop, Short Stop, Short Stop. [laughs]

Tommy aka White Knife:
[Running between base plates] Where you going, nobody hit it.

Abner DoubleDay:
I stole the base. You weren't looking so I stole it.

Chico:
You said you could only advance after you hit the ball!

Abner DoubleDay:
Not when you're stealing.

Short Stop:
That's bullshit.

Abner DoubleDay:
OK, Short Stop.

[Danny tells his brothers the incident with President Lincoln]

Danny:
Mr. President, say, I'm gonna go hit the little boy's room.

Abraham Lincoln:
Are you shitting me?

Danny:
Come on, you'll be fine superstar. Can I get you something on the way back? Agua? Brewski?

Abraham Lincoln:
No.

Danny:
Alright. Fair enough, I'll be back in two.

John Wilkes Booth:
[running into one another in the hall] Where's the president's box?

Danny:
John Wilkes Booth, the actor?

John Wilkes Booth:
Yeah.

Danny:
No way, man! Big fan! You wanna say hi to the president? He'd get a real kick out of that. Last door on the left.

John Wilkes Booth:
Thank you!

Danny:
Really cool. Wow, love that guy!

Danny:
[Danny is pooping when he hears a gunshot fired and women screaming] Abe!

Lil' Pete:
Oh Pa, I have a question for you.

Frank Stockburn:
Yeah.

Lil' Pete:
Where do babies come from?

Frank Stockburn:
Well, son, the mom just poops 'em out.

Lil' Pete:
[laughed] I knewed it! I knewed it, Dad!

[first lines]

Clem:
Lookie here. My day is made. I didn't even finish breakfast and I get to kill me a stinkin' Injun.

Tommy aka White Knife:
Injun? Nah. I just dress like this so's I don't get scalped out on the prairie.

Clem:
Oh, well, that's a convincing outfit. Yeah, you can't be too safe out there... with all of them savages runnin' around. So, what can I do you for?

Tommy aka White Knife:
Need some flour. Five sacks. And a carrot with peanut butter on it. Now, what's that gonna run me?

Clem:
Well, sack of flour's 45 cents. So, five sacks... is 40...

Tommy aka White Knife:
Wanna get back to me on that?

Clem:
Yeah, look. Now, the flour's in the basement. You can fetch it yourself.

Tommy aka White Knife:
Much obliged.

Never Wears Bra:
You lucky, Smoking Fox. White Knife all man. Bravest of all braves.

Smoking Fox:
Not brave. Foolish. I want to be wife, not widow.

Tommy aka White Knife:
I'm in a bit of a bind, boys. I rode all the way out here to pan for gold and my horse up and died on me.

Rifleman:
How'd he die?

Tommy aka White Knife:
Suicide. Drowned himself. Put his head in the stream and just kept it there. Saddest thing you ever seen.

Beaver Breath:
You have no right to be here. This Apache land.

Will Patch:
And what you gonna do about it, beaver breath?

Beaver Breath:
How he know my name?

Tommy aka White Knife:
Any of you handsome brothers ready to go steal a big hunk of gold?

Chico:
I'm ready.

Ramon:
I'm hungry.

Danny:
I'm drunk.

Lil' Pete:
And I'm Lil Pete.

Herm:
[unintelligible]

Tommy aka White Knife:
Let's get that nugget then...

Abner DoubleDay:
Let's play ball. Welcome, my friends, to the first ever playing of a new sport. A sport of my own devising. On this field, two ten-person teams will engage in a battle of... Yes, Qi?

Qi:
Only 18 people here.

Abner DoubleDay:
Two nine-person teams will engage in a battle of strength, speed, and strategy. One team will go out onto the field to play defense while the other team will take turns hitting this ball... with a stickie.

Chico:
What are you gonna call this game?

Abner DoubleDay:
What else? Stickie McSchnickens. Now your goal, ball thrower, is to get the ball past me two times without my hitting it. Fire when ready.

Frank Stockburn:
Boy, you got your mom's muscles. You a prizefighter?

Chico:
No, actually, I'm a... piano player.

[last lines]

Lil' Pete:
Dear Mama, so much has changed since my last letter. I scarcely know where to begin. First off, it turns out our daddy is a bad, bad man, and he got thrown in jail. But it's okay, 'cause Screaming Eagle, the Indian chief who raised Tommy, said he'd be all our dads, too. I really like it here in this village. Our new brothers and sisters love to have fun and have been so nice to all of us.

Screaming Eagle:
These white guys cannot dance!

Lil' Pete:
Danny don't drink whiskey no more. And Ramon and Herm are trying to learn Indian ways. Oh, and big news. I finally have a girlfriend, and she's much prettier than a canty-loupe.

Tommy aka White Knife:
[to Lil Pete & Beaver Breath] Come on you two, you're missing all the fun!

Lil' Pete:
Anyways, Mama, thanks for raising me. Your loving son, Lil Pete, proud member of the Ridiculous 6.

Abner DoubleDay:
[after credits] Before you go... Two - four - six - eight - who do we appreciate?

Chinese Baseball Team:
[in unison] The Stockburns! The Stockburns! Yeah! The Stockburns!