The Rise and Rise of Michael Rimmer

Mrs. Ferret:
Have you been fired?

Ferret:
[brushing it off] Fired? [laughs] Hahaha! Fired? Hahahaha [more nervous now]

Mrs. Ferret:
Then why is the car for sale? [we see the car through the house window; in the side window there is a crudely written sign saying FORSALE]

Ferret:
Oh that? That's a mistake. That's one of Rimmer's cockups. That should read Fors Ale. A new beer we're advertising. [as giving a slogan] Fors Ale - keeps you hearty and hale.

Mrs. Ferret:
Well I've never heard of it.

Ferret:
And you may never! Very hush hush.

Ferret:
The survey shows that... [realizing the survey asked the wrong question]... it shows that 90% of English families do not eat boot polish for breakfast.

Michael Rimmer:
[schmoozing] Hugh, I loved your speech on abortion. It was really gorgeous.

Priest:
Have you been able to find time for the survey in regard to the declining attendance in England's churches?

Michael Rimmer:
Yes, we have.

Priest:
We've tried everything, you know... cutthroat bingo, hallucinogens in the wafers, neon lights for the graveyards, chapels on wheels, fifty-fifty drawings after communion...

Michael Rimmer:
Really?

Priest:
[grabbing hold of his vestments] And these clothes are a bit out-of-date for the 1960s.

Michael Rimmer:
Yes, well, we've done a great deal of research on the results of our religious polls and I believe we have discovered the true root of the problem.

Priest:
What would that be?

Michael Rimmer:
God.

Priest:
I had a nasty suspicion it was that.

Michael Rimmer:
It's just that people have a hard time believing in Him. So, get rid of the God and you'll do just fine.

Priest:
Interesting. Sort of an "Our Father who *might be* in heaven"...

Michael Rimmer:
Yes, very good.

Michael Rimmer:
[after seeing Fromage faint] What's the matter with Fromage?

Pumer:
Oh, these recent sex surveys have him worn out.

Priest:
[on a television interview] I have nothing against Buddhism, per se. It is possible for people to approach God in a great many ways... but there is no need to be silly about it!

Steven Hench:
Mr Blocket, you had been on rather acrimonious terms with the late Prime Minister

Blocket:
We had our differences

Steven Hench:
On one occasion, indeed on several occasions, you described him as a two-faced weasel-eyed git.

Blocket:
In the rough and tumble of parliamentary debate things are said that can often be misinterpreted but there was a lot of warmth there.

Ranjit X:
Don't let's go into bourgeois things like money! Talk to my agent!

Old woman at party conference:
[heckling] What about the Old Age Pension?

Tom Hutchinson:
Don't talk to me about "unemployment", young man! I was unemployed before you were born!

Steven Hench:
[In radio studio] How do you feel about the violent heckling which punctuated your speech?

Tom Hutchinson:
I am not saying that the Labour Party was *responsible* for this disgraceful episode. But I will say this - it did seem to be *organised*. [Looks at Michael Rimmer through studio glass]

Blocket:
My spies tell me, not literally of course...

Patricia Cartwright:
I've got the Olympic Heats tomorrow.

Michael Rimmer:
I've got the Olympic Heats tonight.

Ferret:
[to Mrs Ferret] Care for a glass of Fors?

Sir Eric Bentley:
[to gentlemen of the press] Are we mad? ARE WE MAD? Are we mad? ARE WE Mad?

Willing:
[At identity parade] I couldn't swear to it, but it might just possibly be the one in the green shirt.

Patricia Cartwright:
That's about the only time we've been together. When there's a photographer around.

Tom Hutchinson:
I'd just like to say that my talks with the President were wide-ranging, full, and exhaustive.

Michael Rimmer:
Don't worry Tom, we'll supply the tears.

Tom Hutchinson:
Good God! The Continental Pig!

Ferret:
They'll be cutting off the electricity next!

Michael Rimmer:
Peter, I was just jotting down a few reasons why you might want to leave IOP and come over to us at the Fairburn Organisation. [hands over cheque]

Peter Niss:
Oh yes, I see, that's very well put. Yes, I particularly like the noughts.

Fromage:
Good God! Is that our "Olde Humbug"?

Steven Hench:
[addressing man in studio audience] You sir! What do you think about publicising people's personal sexual habits? [Man hides his face in hands] You seem to disapprove. I wonder if your wife agrees. [Looks at woman next to him]

Woman in studio audience:
I'm not his wife, go away please!

Steven Hench:
[to audience] Anyone else from Doncaster?

Mandeville:
It's a pleasure!

Steven Hench:
I'd better go and look after Percy, he gets a bit broody.

Bishop of Cowley:
I do think Doubt is a terribly important part of Belief. You mean if we were to phase out the God-side of our worship, we'd get better attendances?

Bishop of Cowley:
A sort of "Our Father, which *might be* in Heaven"...

Weapons Demo film announcer:
So for those who think the British Lion has lost its teeth, let them be warned that it can still give them a pretty nasty suck.