The Ronn Lucas Show

[Ronn and Billy are facing the audience]

Ronn:
We want you now to prepare yourself for something dangerous and death defying. A test of nerve, strength and skill.

Billy:
That's right, Ronn's going to ask for a raise, arn't you Ronn?

[Ronn and Billy are moving back along the tightrope to the ladder]

Billy:
Is this dangerous?

Ronn:
Yes, it's dangerous. You shouldn't try this at home, folks!

Billy:
Right. Why are you bothering me with this? Why don't you use a live child?

[Ronn and Cowboy Billy are about to perform a high wire act, when Billy reveals he is afraid of heights]

Ronn:
What ever happened to your sense of adventure?

Billy:
Uh, I left it back in the dressing room. Can I go back to get it?

Ronn:
No no, no no no.

Ronn:
Walking the wire, Billy...

Billy:
Yeah...

Ronn:
is a whole lot...

Billy:
Uh hu...

Ronn:
like taking a stroll...

Billy:
Yes...

Ronn:
in the park.

Billy:
Yeah, Central Park on a Saturday night!

Billy:
Oh my gosh, this is blowing my mind!

Ronn:
We're not really that high.

Billy:
Oh no? I think we made the radar at Heathrow! Unidentified flying coward!

Ronn:
I thought cowboys had guts?

Billy:
Yes, Ronn, and this cowboy wants to keep his guts to himself!

Billy:
Ronn?

Ronn:
Yes?

Billy:
You need a net.

Ronn:
We don't need a net to catch us!

Billy:
No, I mean a net for your hair, its a mess!

Billy:
Tell me something.

Ronn:
What? What?

Billy:
How are you controlling me, through your ears?

[Ronn laughs]

Ronn:
Chuck, Chuck, we're going to do the High wire act. Can you come and intoduce us? Thanks a lot.

[Chuck appears as Ronn carries Billy out of shot]

Chuck:
Ladies and Gentlemen, Here's Ronn Lucus and that stupid cowboy!

[Ronn and Scorch are sitting at the bar, with a paper bag next to them]

Ronn:
[Looking in the bag] You know, I've got some really nice cakes, here. All we need is something to wash them down with.

[the lights dim, and a strange laugh can be heard]

Scorch:
[Looking around] Er, Ronn, you forgot to put 10p in the meter!

[Dracula has just been lowered from the ceiling]

'Dracula':
I hate to say this...

Scorch:
But you're going to say it anyway!

'Dracula':
But I just, *dropped* in!

Ronn:
[Indicating 'Dracula'] He's like an overdrawn blood bank!

Scorch:
You mean he's in the red?

Scorch:
[indicating the bag] What I think you should do, is give him one of these special, pieces of bun, here. You see what I'm looking at?

Ronn:
O, yes. Hey, Count, how would you like something to eat, like a *hot* cross bun!

[Ronn pulls a hot cross bun from the bag and holds it towards the 'Count', who recoils in fear]

'Dracula':
Argh! The old hot on the cross bun trick!

Ronn:
Shall I give it to him? Shall I give it to him?

Scorch:
Give it to him!

Ronn:
Here, Count!

[Ronn throws the hot cross bun at the Count, who vanishes in a cloud of smoke, leaving a pile of dust on the bar]

Scorch:
[Looking around] Where'd he go? Where'd he go?

Ronn:
I don't know. There's nothing but a little pile of dust here.

[Ronn blows at the dust]

'Dracula':
[Distant] Ow!

Scorch:
Peter? I'm sorry!

'Dracula':
[Distant] It's alright, I'll get myself together later!