The Shakiest Gun in the West

[On his dream of opening a dress shop]

Pop:
Just because I'm rough 'n' dirty 'n' don't wear underwear, doesn't mean I'm not artistic.

Jesse Heywood:
[very drunk and slurring] I got on a romance track. Then I got on a gunslinger's track. I gotta get back on that dentist's track! [looks at the saloon girl, who is passed out with her head on the table] Go ahead and laugh! Laugh all you like! I'm not a failure. I'm a dentist, a REAL dentist! And I'll tell you what I'm gonna do, I'm gonna spread dental health through the West like a plague! [throws his arm out and falls down drunk]

Jesse Heywood:
I can't believe it. Tonight's our wedding night. In a few hours we'll stop, make camp, have a little supper, then... beddy-bye.

Penelope 'Bad Penny' Cushings:
You know something? You're a lot spunkier than I thought you were.

Jesse Heywood:
I get that from my mother.

Jesse Heywood:
I'm in teeth. And I came out here all the way from Philadelphia, single-handed, to fight oral ignorance.

[drunk]

Jesse Heywood:
[to the barkeep] Brush your dentist twice a day, visit your toothbrush once a year.

Rev. Zachary Gant:
Reverend Zachary Grant and my minion Matthew Basch.

Jesse Heywood:
Lovely couple.

Jesse Heywood:
[drunk] Failure, failure, failure, failure, failure, failure, failure. That's the story of my life, you know. Two things have always been my downfall - I have always been the most failure of anybody, and I'm too thin.

Saloon Girl:
[drunk] But I don't think you're too thin.

Jesse Heywood:
Ah, it's all bloat. Bloated thin failure! That's me. [waggles both of his thumbs at himself]

Saloon Girl:
I think you're wonderful. I just love a man that can't make his mark in life.

Jesse Heywood:
Uhuh Penny, uhuh Penny, she's really something, you know that? [looks at saloon girl questioningly]

Saloon Girl:
[nods affirmatively] Uhuh.

Jesse Heywood:
You know she used me. She tricked me. [tearfully] She made me think that she loved me.

Saloon Girl:
[shakes her head sympathetically] Ohhh...

Jesse Heywood:
I should have known better. [tearfully] Nobody ever loved me. Did you know I had to take my own cousin to the graduation dance?

Saloon Girl:
[shakes her head sympathetically and tearfully] Ohhhhhhhhhh...

Jesse Heywood:
I threw up on her dress.

Saloon Girl:
[slurring] You are really my kind of guy.