The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie

Goofy Goober:
[singing]: Oh, I'm a goofy goober, yeah, You're a goofy goober yeah, We're all goofy goobers yeah, Goofy goofy goofy goobers yeah!

Mr. Krabs:
"I stole your crown. Signed..., EUGENE KRABS"?!

Neptune:
Relinquish the royal crown to me AT ONCE! [points his burning trident at Mr. Krabs]

Mr. Krabs:
But... But this is crazy! I didn't do it!

Mr. Krabs on answering machine:
Ahoy! This is Eugene Krabs-- leave a message!

Man on answering machine:
Hi, Mr. Krabs, this is Clay, the guy you sold Neptune's crown to? Yeah. I just wanted to say thanks again for selling me the crown. Neptune's crown. [Mr. Krabs tries to stop the machine by breaking it but it continues to play] I sold it to a guy in Shell City and, uh... I just wanted to say thanks again for selling me the crown. Neptune's crown... [Mr. Krabs rips the phone from the cord but the phone still works for a brief moment] ...which is now in Shell City, goodbye.

Mr. Krabs:
Eh-heh-heh, h'well, I was... I, uh... hoo-hoo... eh... Don't'cha just hate wrong numbers?

Neptune:
MY CROWN IS IN THE FORBIDDEN SHELL CITY?!! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Plankton:
[appears on the other end of the phone] Plan Z, I love Plan Z!

Neptune:
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Prepare to burn, Krabs!

Neptune:
My hair is thinning a bit...

SpongeBob:
Oh, your highness , I'm sure it's not that noticab-- [Neptune takes off the paper bag from his head revealing an insanely blinding glow] --aaald! Bald! Bald!

Crowd of People:
Bald! Bald! Bald! Bald!

Fred:
[eyes sizzling] My eyes!

Neptune:
[puts the bag back on] All right, all right.

SpongeBob:
Uh... King Neptune, sir? Would you spare Mr. Krabs' life if I went to get your crown back?

Neptune:
You go to Shell City?! [eyes bulge out of his head; laughs maniacally; goes back to normal] No one who's gone to Shell City has ever returned!

SpongeBob:
Patrick, we're gonna party 'till we're purple!

Patrick:
I love being purple!

Neptune:
Be back with my crown, in exactly 10 days!

Patrick:
He can do it in 9!

Neptune:
8!

Patrick:
7!

Neptune:
6!

SpongeBob and Mr. Krabs:
PATRICK! [tackle Patrick]

Neptune:
6 it is then! [Mr. Krabs chokes Patrick]

Patrick:
[gasps for air] 5?!

SpongeBob:
Patrick, shush!

Squidward:
Too bad SpongeBob's not here to enjoy SpongeBob not being here.

Squidward:
[Mr. Krabs has been frozen solid] Who turned on the A/C? [sees a frozen Mr. Krabs; screams] Mr. Krabs! [knocks on Krabs 3 times] Oh, no! This is terrible! Who's gonna sign my paycheck?

Victor:
HEY!!! Who blew this bubble?! (to all his fellow thugs) You all know the rules!

Thugs:
(in unison) All bubble-blowing babies will be beaten senseless by every able-bodied patron in the bar.

Victor:
That's right! So, who blew it?!

SpongeBob:
How are we going to get back to Bikini Bottom now?

David Hasselhoff:
I can take you there. [cuts to Hasselhoff running toward them]

SpongeBob:
Who are you?!

David:
I'm David Hasselhoff.

SpongeBob and Patrick:
Hooray!

SpongeBob:
Where's your boat?

David:
Boat? (laughs) [cuts to SpongeBob and Patrick riding on his back]

SpongeBob:
Go, Hasselhoff!

Patrick:
Next stop, Bikini Bottom!

SpongeBob:
Oh, my gosh! Look, Patrick, Plankton's turned everybody in Bikini Bottom into slaves! Squidward...Sandy...Mrs. Puff... [gasps] Even Gary!

Gary:
Meow, Plankton!

SpongeBob:
[seemingly drunk on ice cream] This next song goes out to my best friends in the whole world: Patrick and this big peanut guy! It's a little diddy called...

SpongeBob & Patrick:
WAIIIIIITERRRRRR!

Plankton:
His chaps are too righteous. The helmets can't handle this level of rock and roll! Karen, do something!

Karen:
[crowd surfing] WWOOOOOO, WHEEEEE!

Mindy:
[after making SpongeBob and Patrick into "men"] Can you make it to Shell City?!

SpongeBob & Patrick:
HECK YEAH!

Mindy:
Are men afraid of anything?

SpongeBob & Patrick:
HECK NO!

Mindy:
And why?

SpongeBob and Patrick:
BECAUSE WE'RE INVINCIBLE! [they jump off a cliff]

Mindy:
[yelling down to them] I NEVER SAID THAT!

Patrick:
[driving] Hey look, free ice cream! [turns sharp left]

SpongeBob:
Oh, boy! [runs out through boneyard to get ice cream]

Patrick:
[to skull on floor] How you doin'? [suddenly looks alarmed] Wait a minute... Wait a minute! SPONGEBOB!!

SpongeBob:
Yeah?

Patrick:
...Make mine a chocolate!

SpongeBob:
What kind of old lady are you?! [a monstrous frogfish reveals itself from the ground] [SpongeBob screams and bites off the old lady's left arm, falls down]

Patrick:
[catches SpongeBob in the Patty Wagon] Did you get the ice cream?

[Frogfish roars]

SpongeBob:
STEP ON IT, PATRICK!

[On a look-out post of a ship, a pirate looks through a telescope. He moves upward to get a better look at something. Through the telescope, another pirate rows a dinghy with a treasure chest on it]

Pirate:
[first lines] I got it! I got it! I got it!

Pirate:
Dinghy ahoy. [tells the other pirates] Dinghy off the port bow. Dinghy off the port bow!

Pirate:
Dinghy off the port bow!

[Other pirates say "Dinghy off the port bow". Meanwhile, another pirate knocks on a door]

Pirate:
Captain, dinghy off the…

[Opening the door, the captain, another pirate, slams it into his face]

Captain Bart:
Dinghy.

[The captain motions for his friends to get the pirate and the chest off the dinghy and on the ship]

Pirate:
I got it! I got it.

Captain Bart:
Where is it?

Pirate:
It's right here, captain.

[The pirate opens the chest and gold light shines. The captain looks amazed]

Captain Bart:
I never thought I'd seen it with me own eye. [takes out tickets] Tickets to The SpongeBob Movie!

[The pirates cheer]

[SpongeBob SquarePants, a yellow sponge, wakes up from a dream about being a manager]

SpongeBob:
Hooray! Gary, I had that dream again.

[In another house shaped like an Easter Island Head, SpongeBob's stern next-door neighbor, Squidward J.Q. Tentacles, a pale gray squid, takes a shower in the bathroom while singing. Behind him, using a brush, SpongeBob scrubs his back also while singing]

Squidward:
Gah! [covering himself with a shower curtain] SpongeBob, what are you doing in here?!

SpongeBob:
I have to tell you something, Squidward.

Squidward:
Whatever it is, can't we wait until we get to work?

SpongeBob:
There's no shower at work.

Squidward:
What do you want?!

SpongeBob:
I just wanted to say I'll be thanking you in my managerial acceptance speech today.

Squidward:
[offscreen; yelling] GET OUT!!!!!

[With his foot seen through the window, Squidward kicks SpongeBob out of his house]

SpongeBob:
[as he accidentally steps on mouse-sized Sheldon J. Plankton] Eww! I think I stepped in something.

[SpongeBob drags his foot on the ground as if trying to get green stuff off while Plankton yells in pain]

Plankton:
Not "in something", "on someone", you twit!

SpongeBob:
Oh. Sorry, Plankton.

[SpongeBob pulls Plankton off of the sole of his shoe]

SpongeBob:
Are you on your way to the grand opening ceremony?

Plankton:
No, I'm not on my way over to the grand opening ceremony. I'm busy on planning to rule the world! [laughs]

SpongeBob:
Well, good luck with that.

[In the crowd, Mrs. Poppy Puff, a pufferfish, sits beside Sandy Cheeks, a land squirrel]

Mrs. Puff:
We paid 9 dollars for this?

Sandy:
I paid 10!

King Neptune:
And as for you, I'll be back with my crown in exactly 10 days!

Patrick:
[appears out of nowhere] He can do it in 9!

King Neptune:
8!

Patrick:
7!

King Neptune:
6!

SpongeBob and Mr. Krabs:
Patrick! [tackle Patrick]

King Neptune:
6 it is then!

[Mr. Krabs chokes Patrick]

Patrick:
5...

SpongeBob:
Patrick, shush!

King Neptune:
Until then, the crab shall remain frozen where he now stands! [points his trident at Krabs]

Mr. Krabs:
No, wait, I'm begging you! [Neptune freezes him]

Squidward:
Who turned on the A.C.? Aah! Mr. Krabs! [knocks on Krabs three times] Oh, no! This is terrible! Who's going to sign my paycheck?

King Neptune:
Come along, Mindy.

Mindy:
[to SpongeBob and Patrick] Listen, you guys, the road to Shell City is really dangerous. There is crooks, killers, and monsters everywhere! And what's worse, there's a giant Cyclops who guards the outskirts of the city, and preys on innocent sea creatures! Don't let him catch you. Because if he does, he'll take you back to his lair, and you'll never be seen again!

Patrick:
[infatuated] She's pretty, SpongeBob.

Mindy:
[shows SpongeBob and Patrick a bag] Here, take this.

SpongeBob:
What's in here? [opens the bag and wind blows into his face]

Mindy:
It's a magical bag of winds. I stole them from my father.

Patrick:
You're hot.

Mindy:
Once you find the crown, open the bag of winds, and you'll be blown back home.

Floyd:
What are you two dumb kids headed, anyway?

Patrick:
Kids?!

SpongeBob:
Now, Patrick. For your information, we're not kids, we're men, and we're off to get King Neptune's crown in Shell City.

Floyd and Lloyd:
Shell City?!

Lloyd:
Isn't that the place that's guarded by a killer Cyclops?

SpongeBob:
That's right.

[As Dennis, a bounty hunter who Plankton hired, goes to stomp on SpongeBob and Patrick with a spiked sole, an extremely large boot stomps on top of him]

Patrick:
Bigger boot!

[Patrick tries to run away but SpongeBob stops him]

SpongeBob:
Wait, Pat, this bigger boot saved our lives.

Patrick:
Yay!

SpongeBob and Patrick:
Thank you, stranger!

[They look up to see the Cyclops, a giant scuba diver-like monster, breathing heavily]

SpongeBob:
Uhh, stranger?

[The Cyclops looks down at them with his hands open]

SpongeBob:
It's the Cyclops!

[The duo run off as the Cyclops slowly walks, chasing them]

[At Shell City, the Cyclops has put SpongeBob and Patrick in a fish bowl. The duo turns around and spots him, then scream as then run wildly as the Cyclops laughs maniacally, and they hit the walls of the glass bowl. Then they bumped into each other as the Cyclops walks off]

SpongeBob:
What's he going to do with us?

[The Cyclops picks up a toolbox]

SpongeBob:
Oh, no! He's going for his evil instruments of torture!

[The Cyclops pulls out a bottle of glue and a jar, containing google-eyes]

SpongeBob:
Glue? Google-eyes? [whimpering]

SpongeBob:
[as the Cyclops puts him and Patrick on a table under a lamp] The heat is so intense from this lamp, that I can't move.

Patrick:
Tell me about it.

[The Cyclops laughs maniacally. He takes a book and walks to the bathroom, shutting the door behind him]

[As the lamp dries SpongeBob and Patrick up completely after they spot King Neptune's crown, leaving a heart-shaped tear, the pirates cry]

Captain Bart:
[sobbing] That's it. The end of SpongeBob. [voice breaking] Come here, you!

[As the captain hugs one of the pirates, a parrot flies over and lands on his shoulder]

Parrot:
[squawking] Shut up and look at the screen!

[The captain looks at the screen with a surprised expression]

Captain Bart:
Argh! The bird's right. Look! It be the tear of the Goofy Goobers!

[The heart-shaped tear, due to the two tears, trembles and come together to form a big tear. It slides down a cord. The tear pokes through the outlet, causing it to spark. The light from the heat lamp turns off, and smoke rises to a sprinkler. More sprinklers spray water around the room. The spraying water brings the dried-up SpongeBob and Patrick back to life]

SpongeBob and Patrick:
[gasping, breathing]

SpongeBob:
Hey, we're alive!

Pirates and Crowd:
[cheering]

SpongeBob:
Let's get that crown!

Patrick:
Right!

[The duo grabs hold of the crown]

SpongeBob:
On 3, Patrick. Ready? 1, 2, 3! [the crown lifts] Hey, it's lighter that I thought. Whoa!

[The Cyclops is actually holding it by the top, causing SpongeBob and Patrick to scream]

Cyclops:
[pumping a fist] Roar!

[Suddenly, the gift shop starts to shake like an earthquake]

All:
Huh?

[Knick-knack seahorses tremble]

Cyclops:
Huh?

[As the modeled creatures begin to tremble and shake, the Cyclops looks around]

Patrick:
What's happening?

SpongeBob:
I don't know! [suddenly surprised] Look!

[All around the room, the creatures come to life, each one at a time, even three fishes playing Mariachi instruments who play Jarabe Tapatio]

Cyclops:
[looking around] Huh? What? Huh?

[As the Cyclops watch more creatures come to life, they growl angrily at him. A lobster taps on the Cyclops's shoulder, giving his attention]

Cyclops:
[turning to face it] Huh?

[From the Cyclops's point of view, the lobster reveals the glue bottle and jar of google-eyes]

Cyclops:
Uh-oh.

[The lobster squirts glue into the Cyclops's eye]

Cyclops:
[falling back] Whoa!!!! [collapses hard on the floor]

[The creatures leap and fall to attack him. The Mariachi Band fish shrug as if saying "Oh well", then continue playing. The Cyclops is pinned down to the floor as the creatures beat him up. He tries to get up, but more creatures keep him down. SpongeBob and Patrick escape Shell City with the crown on the beach]

SpongeBob:
Come on, Patrick! Let's get this crown back to Bikini Bottom. [sets the crown aside] Do you still have that bag of winds?

Patrick:
[shows a lump on his rear] I sure do!

SpongeBob and Patrick:
[laughing]

Patrick:
[pulls out the bag] Here you go.

[SpongeBob is confused]

SpongeBob:
Umm...

Patrick:
What?

SpongeBob:
Nothing, nothing. [pulls out the instructions for the bag] OK, let's go over the instructions. Let's see, it says here: "Step 1: Point the bag away from home."

Patrick:
[pointing the bag at Shell City] OK.

SpongeBob:
"Step 2: Plant your feet firmly on the ground."

Patrick:
[keeps his feet on the ground] Right.

SpongeBob:
"Step 3: Remove the string from the bag, releasing the winds."

Patrick:
Check.

[As Patrick pulls the string, the bag zips off]

SpongeBob:
Well, that seems simple enough. [reads the instructions again while Patrick looks around, searching for the bag] "Point the bag away from home, your feet firmly on the ground, pull string, releasing the winds." Alright, let's do it for real.

[Patrick spots something with bug-eyes]

Patrick:
Uh, SpongeBob? [points]

[The bag, deflating like a balloon, is blowing away! SpongeBob gasps as he and Patrick chase it]

SpongeBob:
No, no, stop!

Patrick:
I was bad! I'm sorry! Please, bag, I'm sorry! I just thought... It was a mistake!

[The bag flies up to the sky, then lands in the water]

[The duo is stranded on the beach looking sad]

SpongeBob:
Oh, no! How will we ever get back to Bikini Bottom now?

[From the distance, a man's voice is heard]

Man:
I can take you there.

[It's David Hasselhoff, wearing red swim-trunks, running in slow-motion. He stops near SpongeBob and Patrick who look up at him]

SpongeBob:
Who are you?

David Hasselhoff:
I'm David Hasselhoff.

SpongeBob and Patrick:
[joyfully] Hooray!

SpongeBob:
Um, so where's your boat?

Hasselhoff:
"Boat?" [laughing]

[Later, Hasselhoff swims on the water with SpongeBob, Patrick and the crown on his back]

SpongeBob:
Go, Hasselhoff!

Patrick:
Next stop, Bikini Bottom!

[Back on the surface, Hasselhoff, with SpongeBob, Patrick and the crown still on his back, zooms across the water like a speedboat]

[A fisherman startles as he falls off his boat after seeing Hasselhoff]

[Tilting his head from side to side, Hasselhoff smirks]

SpongeBob:
Hooray for Hasselhoff! Nothing can stop us now!

Patrick:
[looking over his shoulder] Huh? [points] Unidentified object off the hindquarters.

[Something above the sea zooms toward Hasselhoff like another speedboat]

SpongeBob:
[narrowing his eyes] It looks like…

[The speeding figure rises from the water. It's the Cyclops's boot!]

SpongeBob:
Bigger boot. But how?

[The boot stops behind Hasselhoff's foot then lifts upright revealing a green smudged smear, resembling Plankton earlier when SpongeBob stepped on him, on the sole. The smear sprouts out arms and legs, then breaks free from the sole. It's Dennis, his clothes now torn, damaged and ragged and his sunglasses broken revealing his eyes. Without his bandana, his mouth is revealed with sharp and pointy teeth as he grins evilly. SpongeBob and Patrick cower in fear]

SpongeBob:
Aah! Dennis!

Dennis:
Did you miss me?

[Back on Hasselhoff's back, Dennis looms over SpongeBob and Patrick. He takes off his broken sunglasses]

Dennis:
[preparing to finish the job] Now where were we?

SpongeBob:
Patrick, run!

Patrick:
No, I'm tired of running.

[Patrick gets ready to fight Dennis]

Patrick:
If we run now, we'll never stop.

[Dennis slaps Patrick, sending him flying to Hasselhoff's left foot]

Patrick:
Run, SpongeBob!

[SpongeBob screams as he runs under Dennis then slides down Hasselhoff's rear, which Dennis stabs with his dagger]

Hasselhoff:
Ooh! Take it easy back there, fellas.

[SpongeBob avoids Dennis on Hasselhoff's right leg]

Patrick:
SpongeBob, be careful!

Dennis:
Come on, kid, give it up. Dennis always gets his man.

SpongeBob:
[jumping towards Hasselhoff's left leg in slow-motion] Never! [reaches the other side] Yeah, I did it!

[Suddenly, Dennis is on the other side behind him!]

Dennis:
You got guts, kid.

[SpongeBob yelps]

Dennis:
Too bad I got to rip them out of you!

SpongeBob:
Uh, I don't know what Plankton's paying you, [takes out a pile of Goober Dollars] but if you let us go, I can make it worth your while.

Dennis:
[swipes the dollars] It's going to take a lot more than 5... [looks at the dollars] What is this?

SpongeBob:
Uh, that, sir, is 5 Goober Dollars. Legal tender at any participating Goofy Goober-

[Dennis tosses the dollars aside and grabs SpongeBob by his throat]

SpongeBob:
I got bubbles. Fun at parties.

[Wind blows soapy bubbles into Dennis's eyes]

Dennis:
[irritated] My eyes! [holds his eyes in pain as he throws SpongeBob, who screams]

Patrick:
I gotcha, SpongeBob! [catches him]

SpongeBob:
Thanks, buddy!

[With his spiked sole above them, Dennis gets ready to crush them again]

SpongeBob:
Uh, thanks a lot.

Dennis:
[with his eyes now sore from the bubbles] That's it! I'm through messing around! See you later, fools!

[A boat horn honks]

Dennis:
[looking back] Huh?

[Hasselhoff ducks under a catamaran and Dennis, who screams, gets struck by it]

Patrick:
See ya.

[Back on the surface, Hasselhoff stops near Bikini Atoll Island]

Hasselhoff:
OK, fellas, this is where you get off. Bikini Bottom is directly below.

SpongeBob:
But we'll never be able to float down in time!

Hasselhoff:
Who said anything about floating? [stands up]

Houston Voice:
Initiating launch sequence.

SpongeBob and Patrick:
What the...?

[On Hasselhoff's chest, his pecs become launchers]

SpongeBob:
[amazed] Did you see that?

Patrick:
The control!

SpongeBob and Patrick:
[as Hasselhoff grabs them and the crown off of his back] Whoa!

Hasselhoff:
All hands on deck. [places them on his pecs and prepares for liftoff]

Houston Voice:
10 seconds to liftoff. 9, 8...

[Each glimpse shows Neptune pointing his trident at Krabs, Mindy & Plankton each saying "no" and "yes", and Hasselhoff grunting for the liftoff on his pecs]

King Neptune:
Eugene Krabs, the time has come...

Mindy:
No!

Plankton:
Yes!

Houston Voice:
...6, 5...

King Neptune:
...for you...

Mindy:
No!

Plankton:
Yes!

Houston Voice:
...3, 2...

King Neptune:
...to fry!

Mindy:
No!!

Plankton:
Yes!!

Houston Voice:
...1.

[Hasselhoff's pecs launch the crown back to Bikini Bottom with SpongeBob and Patrick clinging onto it. The crown hurtles toward Bikini Bottom like a meteor while SpongeBob and Patrick were screaming]

Mr. Krabs:
[closes his eyes] No!

[A ray of light from Neptune's trident fires at Krabs, but the crown blocks it. The ray is launched to the surface where Hasselhoff rests on his back]

Hasselhoff:
You done good, Hasselhoff. You done--

[The ray zaps him but he survives, now cinched]

Hasselhoff:
Ow.

Spongebob:
[speaking into a microphone] But that's OK. (Plankton: Huh? What's going on?) Because I did what everyone said a kid couldn't do. I've made it to Shell City, I've beaten the Cyclops, I've rode Hasselhoff, and I've brought the crown back!

Spongebob:
[repeated line; walking to the grand opening ceremony of the Krusty Krab 2] I'm ready, promotion!

[The movie starts out on Bikini Atoll Island]

French Narrator:
Ah, the sea. So mysterious, so beautiful. So...uhh...wet. [the camera submerges underwater until it stops in front of the Krusty Krab] Our story begins in Bikini Bottom's popular undersea eatery, the Krusty Krab restaurant, where...

Police:
[pops up in front of the camera] Back up! Back up! [waves arms to back reporters and citizens up]

French Narrator:
Hey, wait a minute. What is happening?!

[The screen pans out to show the Krusty Krab is surrounded by cops. A red crab chats to news reporters]

Mr. Krabs:
Please, settle down! We've got a situation in there! I'd rather not discuss 'til me manager gets here!

Female Fish:
[off-screen] Look, there he is!

[A black boat with orange flames drives up. A yellow leg in a black boot with an orange snake on it in the shape of an "S," steps out of the vehicle. With a stern look, a yellow sponge climbs out of the boat. He walks toward the Krusty Krab]

SpongeBob:
Talk to me, Krabs.

Mr. Krabs:
Oh, it started out as a simple order: a Krabby Patty with cheese. [SpongeBob blows a bubble] When the customer took a bite, no cheese!! [cries]

SpongeBob:
[slaps Mr. Krabs' face] Get a hold of yourself, Eugene. I'm goin' in. [inside, a fish sits at a table, looking extremely nervous at his Krabby Patty; enters] Take it easy, my friend. I'm the manager of this establishment. [sets a briefcase down on the table] Everything's gonna be just fine.

Phil:
I'm really scared here, man.

SpongeBob:
[opens the briefcase and takes out black gloves, putting them on] Do you got a name?

Phil:
Phil.

SpongeBob:
Do you got a family, Phil? [Phil whimpers. Choking over his words, he is unable to speak; snaps his fingers at him in order to get his attention] Come on, Phil, stay with me. Let's hear about that family.

Phil:
I got a wife and two beautiful children.

SpongeBob:
[puts on a headset] That's what it's all about. I want you to do me a favor, Phil.

Phil:
What?

SpongeBob:
[with tweezers, he picks a slice of cheese out from his briefcase] Say "cheese". [as he lifts the top bun off, each glimpse shows a close-up of his determined look, the tweezers with the cheese, and Phil watching. Sweat drips down his face. Later, he kicks open the door with his foot. The crowd gasps. He has Phil, who is smiling, in his arms. The cheese on the Krabby Patty sparkles] Order up.

[The crowd cheers and lift SpongeBob on their shoulders]

Crowd:
Three cheers for the manager! Hip! Hip! [blows foghorn from their mouth, leaving SpongeBob confused] Hip! Hip! [does it again] Hip! Hip! [and again]

[The scene changes to SpongeBob in his bedroom with his pet snail, Gary. SpongeBob turns off his alarm clock]

SpongeBob:
Hooray! Gary, I had that dream again. [runs over to a calendar] And it's finally gonna come true! Today! Sorry about this, calendar. [tears off the calendar page for the day before to reveal "March 7." On the page, it has a picture of the Krusty Krab 2 with rainbows and hearts around it] Because today is the grand-opening ceremony for The Krusty Krab 2, where Mr. Krabs will announce the new manager.

Gary the Snail:
Meow.

SpongeBob:
Who's it gonna be, Gary? [chuckles] Well, let's ask my wall of 374 consecutive employee-of-the-month awards.

[The camera zooms away from SpongeBob and Gary to reveal many "employee of the month" portraits]

SpongeBob "Employee of the Month" Awards:
SpongeBob SquarePants!

SpongeBob:
I'm ready, promotion!

[Mouse-sized Sheldon J. Plankton watches the interview of the Krusty Krab 2 from a telescope inside the Chum Bucket]

Plankton:
Curses! It's not fair! Krabs is being interviewed by Perch Perkins, and I've never even had one customer! [echoes, groans and strains]

Karen:
Don't get worked up again, Plankton, I just mopped the floors.

Anchovy:
Dork?

Mr. Krabs:
No, wait, that's not right. Not a dork.

Pearl:
A goofball?

Mr. Krabs:
Closer, but no.

Yellow-orange fish:
A ding-a-ling!

Tom:
Wingnut!

Mabel:
A knucklehead McSpazatron!

Mr. Krabs:
Okay, that's enough!

Patrick:
[infatuated] She's pretty, SpongeBob.

Princess Mindy:
[shows SpongeBob and Patrick a bag] Here, take this.

SpongeBob:
What's in here? [opens the bag and wind blows into his face]

Princess Mindy:
It's a magical bag of winds. I stole them from my father.

Patrick:
You're hot.

Princess Mindy:
Once you find the crown, open the bag of winds, and you'll be blown back home.

Plankton:
Ding-a-ling! Hey there, old buddy. Freeze! [laughs] 1 secret formula to go, please. No, no, don't trouble yourself. I'll get it. [takes the formula] Well, I'd like to hang around, but I've got krabby patties to make... over at the Chum Bucket. Plan Z, I LOVE ya! [laughs]

Perch:
Excuse me, Plankton. Perch Perkins, Bikini Bottom news. Can I get a minute?

Plankton:
Anything for you, Perch.

Perch:
All of Bikini Bottom wants to know, how did you get the Krabby Patty?

Plankton:
Well, Perch, before my dear friend, Eugene Krabs, was frozen by King Neptune... [whimpers] I'm sorry. He confided me a secret wish. "Sell the krabby patties in my absence at the Chum Bucket," he said. "Don't let the flame die out." [fake sobs; takes a bucket helmet out] By the way, act now, and you get a free Chum Bucket bucket helmet with every purchase. [puts it on Perch's head] Here ya go, Perch.

Perch:
Thanks.

Plankton:
Evil Plan Z is way ahead of you, baby. I've already hired someone to take care of those two. HE'S A VICIOUS, COLD-BLOODED PREDATOR!!!!!

[Elsewhere, a green fish rides a motorcycle. The word "Dennis", hence his name, is written on the back of his leather vest. A license plate on the back of the motorcycle reads, "I Kill U". His boot reads, "Your Head Here", with an arrow pointing to the sole. Dennis stops at the gas station. He picks up a sesame seed, and takes off his sunglasses, revealing another pair]

Dennis:
Sesame seed.

Floyd:
Hey, mister, does that hat take 10 gallons?

[Floyd and Lloyd smack their knees and laugh more. With his shadow looming over them, Dennis stomps over to them and rips off their mouths. Both mouthless gas attendants look at each other as Dennis drives away]

Squidward:
So, you're selling krabby patties, eh, Plankton?

Plankton:
That's right, Squidward. And there's a free bucket helmet with every purchase. Care for one?

Squidward:
No! You may have hoodwinked everyone else in this backwater town, but you can't fool me. I listen to public radio.

Plankton:
What's that supposed to mean?

Squidward:
It means you set up Mr. Krabs. You stole the crown, so Neptune would freeze him, and you could finally get your stubby, little paws on the Krabby Patty formula. [Plankton looks at his hands] It was YOU all along! But you've made one fatal mistake! You've messed with MY paycheck. And I'm gonna report you to the highest authority in the land, King Neptune!

Plankton:
We'll see about that, inspector loose-lips. [laughs, and pushes a button on Karen]

Karen:
Now, activating helmet brain-control devices.

Squidward:
Huh?

[Elsewhere, Dennis stops at the Thug Tug. Stepping off his motorcycle, he sees soap on one of the footprints from SpongeBob's shoe. He lowers his bandana, revealing his mouth. A scar is on his left cheek]

Dennis:
Hmm... [blows on the soap as a bubble forms]

[An image of SpongeBob and Patrick laughing appear in it]

Victor:
[offscreen] Hey! [Victor and the other thugs are behind Dennis] You may not know it, cowboy, but we got a rule around here about blowin' bubbles. [snaps his fingers]

Thugs:
All bubble-blowing babies will be beaten senseless by- [not having any time for this, Dennis punches Victor, causing him to fly into the air. Victor screams as he flies into the Thug Tug as the other thugs watch] ...every...able-bodied...patron...in the...bar.

[Victor crashlands into the Thug Tug, which tilts back quickly and sinks off over a cliff. Dennis drives away on his motorcycle as the thugs watch him in fear]

SpongeBob:
Mindy!

Patrick:
Mindy?! [struggles to put his pants back on]

SpongeBob:
How much did you hear?

Princess Mindy:
I heard enough.

Patrick:
Did you see my underwear?

Princess Mindy:
No, Patrick.

Patrick:
Did you want to?

Princess Mindy:
Look guys, you may be kids, but you're the only ones left who can get that crown.

SpongeBob:
What d'you mean, the only ones left?

Princess Mindy:
Things have gotten a lot worse since you left Bikini Bottom. [takes out a magical clam shell, opens it, revealing Bikini Bottom, now being ruled by Plankton] Or should I say...Planktopolis.

[While singing "Now That We're Men" after making it to the outskirts of Shell City, SpongeBob and Patrick stop to see Dennis who managed to get there before them and waits for them]

Dennis:
Finally! [cracks his knuckles] I gotcha right where I want you.

SpongeBob:
Uh, can I help you with something, sir?

Dennis:
Name's Dennis, I've been hired to exterminate you.

SpongeBob:
You're gonna exterminate us? [at a brief pause, SpongeBob and Patrick look at each other for a moment...then laugh, wiping their tears as they calmed down] Listen, junior, you caught me and my friend here in a good mood today, so I'm gonna let you off with a warning. Step aside, and you won't have to feel the awesome wrath of our mustaches.

Dennis:
You mean, these? [rips off the fake mustaches off of SpongeBob and Patrick's faces. The duo feel their cheeks with wide eyes] I thought you still had a piece of salad stuck to your lip from lunchtime. [flicks the seaweed]

[SpongeBob and Patrick gasp. In slow-motion, the seaweed tumbles in the air. The seaweed lands on the ground as SpongeBob and Patrick look at them with bug-eyes]

SpongeBob:
They were fake?

Dennis:
Of course they were fake! This is what a real mustache looks like. [lowers his bandana, and as he grits his teeth, a bushy mustache appears on his face]

Patrick:
Is he a mermaid?

Dennis:
Alright, enough gap.

[As SpongeBob and Patrick tremble in fear, Dennis looms over them]

SpongeBob:
What are you gonna do to us?

Dennis:
Plankton was very specific.

SpongeBob:
Plankton?!

Dennis:
For some reason, he wanted me to step on ya.

Patrick:
Step on us?

Dennis:
Yeah, that way you'll never find out that he stole the crown! [SpongeBob and Patrick look at each other in confusion. With an embarrassed look on his face, Dennis rubs the back of his neck] Uh, perhaps I've said too much.

[SpongeBob and Patrick cower in fear as spikes pop out of the soles of Dennis's boots. He lifts one, and looms it over them]

Patrick:
That's a big boot!

Dennis:
Don't worry. This will only hurt a lot! [laughs maniacally] I love this job!

[As Dennis continues to laugh, an extremely large boot stomps on top of him]

Patrick:
Bigger boot! [tries to run away]

SpongeBob:
[stops Patrick] Wait, Pat, this bigger boot saved our lives.

Patrick:
Yay!

Both:
Thank you, stranger!

[They look up to see a giant scuba diver-like monster, breathing heavily]

SpongeBob:
Uhh, stranger? [the scuba diver looks down at them with his hands open] It's the Cyclops!

[The duo run off screaming as the Cyclops slowly walks, chasing them]

[At Shell City, the Cyclops has put SpongeBob and Patrick in a fish bowl. The duo turn around and see him, then scream as then run wildly as the Cyclops laughs maniacally, and they hit the walls of the glass bowl, then bump into each other as the Cyclops walks off]

SpongeBob:
What's he gonna do with us? [the Cyclops picks up a toolbox] Oh, no! He's going for his evil instruments of torture! [the Cyclops opens the box and takes out a bottle of glue and a jar, containing googly eyes] Glue? Googly eyes? [whimpering] [the Cyclops hums as he glues some googly eyes on a dead clam] He's making a humorous diorama of... [the Cyclops finishes his diorama] Alexander Clam Bell?! Patrick, he's killing sea animals and making them into smelly knick-knacks! And I think we're next!

Patrick:
[being grabbed by the Cyclops] You think so?

Live-Action Characters:
David Hasselhoff — Himself

Live-Action Characters:
Kristopher Logan — Squinty the Pirate

Live-Action Characters:
D.P. FitzGerald — Bonesy the Pirate

Live-Action Characters:
Cole McKay — Scruffy the Pirate

Live-Action Characters:
Dylan Haggerty — Stitches the Pirate

Live-Action Characters:
Bart McCarthy — Captain Bart the Pirate

Live-Action Characters:
Henry Kingi — Inky the Pirate

Live-Action Characters:
Randolph Jones — Tiny the Pirate

Live-Action Characters:
Paul Zies — Upper Deck the Pirate

Live-Action Characters:
Gerard Griesbaum — Fingers the Pirate

Live-Action Characters:
Aaron Hendry — Tangles the Pirate, Cyclops Diver

Live-Action Characters:
Maxie Santillan — Gummy the Pirate

Live-Action Characters:
Peter DeYoung — Leatherbeard the Pirate

Live-Action Characters:
Gino Montesinos — Tango the Pirate

Live-Action Characters:
John Siciliano — Pokey the Pirate

Live-Action Characters:
David Stifel — Cookie the Pirate

Live-Action Characters:
Alex Baker — Martin the Pirate

Live-Action Characters:
Robin Russell — Sniffy the Pirate

Live-Action Characters:
Tommy Schooler — Salty the Pirate

Live-Action Characters:
Ben Wilson — Stovepipe the Pirate

Live-Action Characters:
José Zelay — Dooby the Pirate

Live-Action Characters:
Mageina Tovah — Usher

Live-Action Characters: Chris Cummins Todd Duffey — Concession Guys

Live-Action Characters:
Michael Patrick Bell — Fisherman