The Stepford Wives

Patricia Cornell:
Oh, Frank you're the best, you're the champ, you're the master...!

Joanna Eberhart:
I guess I want to be remembered.

Bobbie Markowe:
Dave turned me loose at Bergdorf's and I went mad!

Bobbie Markowe:
If I was forced to apologize every time I got smashed, I'd spend my whole life wandering around saying "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry."

Dale Coba:
[Joanna is brewing coffee] I like to watch women doing little domestic chores.

Joanna Eberhart:
You came to the right town.

Joanna Eberhart:
Why do they call you Diz?

Dale Coba:
Because I used to work at Disneyland.

Joanna Eberhart:
No, really.

Dale Coba:
That's really. Don't you believe me?

Joanna Eberhart:
No.

Dale Coba:
Why not?

Joanna Eberhart:
You don't look like someone who enjoys making other people happy.

Joanna Eberhart:
I've told you, I messed a little bit with women's lib in New York.

Bobbie Markowe:
Didn't we all?

Joanna Eberhart:
I'm not contemplating any Maidenform bonfires, but they could certainly use something around here.

Bobbie Markowe:
Oh yeah.

Joanna Eberhart:
You game?

Bobbie Markowe:
I'm game. Boy, am I game!

[last lines]

Joanna Eberhart:
Hello, Bobbie.

Bobbie Markowe:
Oh, hello, Joanna.

Joanna Eberhart:
How are you?

Bobbie Markowe:
I'm fine. How are you?

Joanna Eberhart:
I'm fine. How are the children?

Bobbie Markowe:
Fine...

Kim Eberhart:
Daddy, I just saw a man carrying a naked lady.

Walter Eberhart:
Well, that's why we're moving to Stepford.

Walter Eberhart:
She cooks as good as she looks, Ted.

Joanna Eberhart:
If I am wrong, I'm insane... but if I'm right, it's even worse than if I was wrong.

Carol Van Sant:
I'll just die if I don't get this recipe. I'll just die if I don't get this recipe. I'll just die if I don't get this recipe.

Bobbie Markowe:
If you're going to tell me you don't like this dress, I'm sticking my head right in the oven.

Bobbie Markowe:
[after being stabbed] Joanna! How could you do a thing like that? How could you do a thing like that? How could you do a thing like that? When I was just going to give you coffee. When I was just going to give you coffee! When I was just going to give you coffee! I thought we were friends! I thought we were friends! I was just going to give you coffee! I was just going to give you coffee! I thought we were friends... I thought we were friends... I thought we were friends. How could you *do* a thing like that? I thought we were friends.

Bobbie Markowe:
I can't figure out this burg. It's like maids have been declared illegal, and the housewife with the neatest place gets Robert Redford for Christmas. And believe me, if that's the prize, I'd enter, but nobody'll tell what the contest rules are. Cheers!

Charmaine Wimperis:
I don't think that, uh, Ed ever loved me. I mean, uh, he married me because I looked right and it made a big impression on the other TV executives for his wife to look like I look. God knows he's given me things, I... I'm not complaining on that score, but... uh... he never loved me.

Bobbie Markowe:
I'm also an ex-Gothamite, who's been living here in Ajax country for just over a month now, and I'm going crazy. You see doctor, my problem is that given complete freedom of choice, I don't WANT to squeeze the goddamn Charmin!

Mary Ann Stavros:
I'm sorry. I just can't waste my spare moments on something like that.

Joanna Eberhart:
But you do go out sometimes don't you?

Mary Ann Stavros:
Go out? Of course I go out. I'm out now, aren't I?

Joanna Eberhart:
I can't just call him up and say, "Hi! I used be Joanna Ingalls. You deflowered me twelve years ago. Would you check my water?"

Joanna Eberhart:
What do you think they do up there?

Bobbie Markowe:
Watch dirty movies and reminisce about the Good Old Days.

Joanna Eberhart:
What Good Old Days?

Bobbie Markowe:
Like those Good Old Days when "Playboy" used the airbrush!

Carol Van Sant:
[after a fender bender] This is all so silly... it's just my head. This is all so silly... it's just my head. This is all so silly... it's just my head...

Charmaine Wimperis:
[referring to the Men's Association] Believe me, I know that it's unfair and sexist, but frankly, anything that gets him out of the house nights is fine with me.

Mary Ann Stavros:
[holding up some pink carnations to Bobbie] Which one do you like?

Bobbie Markowe:
Oh... ah... hmmmm... I don't think either one.

Joanna Eberhart:
I won't be here when you get back, don't you see? It's going to happen before then. Don't ask me to explain it, I just know. There'll be somebody with my name, and she'll cook and clean like crazy, but she won't take pictures, and she won't be me! She'll - she'll, she'll be like one of those the robots in Disneyland.

Dr. Fancher:
Alright, now listen. I'll give you a prescription which you have filled, then you gather up your children and you GET THE HELL AWAY! Don't tell your husband, don't tell anyone, just go, wherever you feel safe. Now, do you have family?

Joanna Eberhart:
They're dead.

Dr. Fancher:
Well, just drive, and stop some place. Then in a few days - I'll be back on the 10th - you ring me, I'll come to you, and we'll sort this thing out. Now how does that sound?

Bobbie Markowe:
Two things I always carry: Tampax and Ring Dings. And I don't even wanna think what that means.

Joanna Eberhart:
[ambulance drives off] We may be new here, but isn't Stepford Hospital that way?

Walter Eberhart:
Oh, no, no, no, you're wrong... No, no, you're *not* wrong, the ambulance went *that* way, didn't it?

Joanna Eberhart:
This is not me and what you're saying isn't you.

Joanna Eberhart:
[Joanna responding to Claude's request for her to do his speech recording project]... just like your wife. Bobby and I tried to involve her in one of our projects, but she had too much ironing. Maybe you could convince her. Kit Sundersen, too. If they could find the time for me... I could find it for you.

Claude Axhelm:
Isn't this uh... kind of blackmail, Joanna?

Joanna Eberhart:
It's what made this country great, Claude.

Bobbie Markowe:
I think there's something in the water that turns us into house fraus.

Joanna Eberhart:
[Showing her photos to her NYC Dealer and Gallery Owner] Am I crazy? Aren't they good? Please say something. I don't care. No, I do care. Don't say anything bad.

Mr. Atkinson:
These are, um, really quite good.

Joanna Eberhart:
You're not just saying that be cause you're frightened I, I might be a crazy lady?

Mr. Atkinson:
Clearly you are a crazy lady, but clearly again, these are nice.

Joanna Eberhart:
Wait a minute. You said 'Good'. 'Really quite good' you said. 'Good' is better than 'nice'. You're not changing your mind, are you?

Mr. Atkinson:
No, the results are lovely. Don't get upset again. 'Lovely' is better than 'good'. But, um, what fascinates me is: What is it you want from it all? Do you know?

Joanna Eberhart:
I want - somewhere, someday, someone to look at something and say 'Hey, that reminds me of an Ingalls'. 'Ingalls' was my maiden name. I guess I want to be remembered.

Mr. Atkinson:
Yes, don't we all?

Raymond Chandler:
[Looking over report] Well, I can say right off the bat that, ah - you got water in your water.

Dale Coba:
It's nothing like you imagine, just a, another stage. Think about it like that, and there's nothing to it.

Joanna Eberhart:
Why?

Dale Coba:
Why? Because we can.

Ike Mazzard:
[Handing drawing to Joanna] In case you're wondering what I've been doing.

Joanna Eberhart:
You're not the Ike Mazzard are you?

Ike Mazzard:
I'm afraid so.

Joanna Eberhart:
Walter tell him, I'm just awful on names. You'll have to forgive me. I used to gawk at all those girls in those magazines. You blighted my adolescence, you know that?

Walter Eberhart:
[Grinning] I thought I benighted your adolescence.

Bobbie Markowe:
I think there's something in the water that turns us into house-fraus!