The Surreal Life

Flavor Flav:
Flavor Flav!

Dave Coulier:
[on meeting his housemates] I had to learn two new languages that day - Charo and Flavor Flav!

Charo:
[trying to get out of Flava Flav's arms in bed] Uh-uh, no spooning. Because spooning leads to forking.

Da Brat:
I'm thinkin' I'm in the Twilight Zone.

Dave Coulier:
We live in a circus.

Charo:
The first impression I get when I walk into this house is Liberace with diarrhea, 1940.

Charo:
[on meeting Flavor Flav] The first few minutes, I didn't put it together that it was Flavor Flake.

Ryan Starr:
It's not like you're ugly or anything.

Jordan Knight:
[sarcastically] Oh, thanks for tellin' me I ain't ugly.

Flavor Flav:
Let me hear ya'll say 'Yeeeeeeaaaaaah, booooooyyyyyeeeee'!

Charo:
[about Ryan Starr] She didn't want to sleep with Brigitte Nielsen because she's a crazy b*tch.

Charo:
[about Flavor Flav] I am psychic, and whatever he's telling me, I know he's full of sh*t.

[Flavor Flav sees Brigitte Nielson holding the dog while topless]

Flavor Flav:
What are you doing, breast feeding the dog?

Charo:
I'm walking around and I see Brigitte Neilsen with her big tits hanging around. [Screams] Oh my God. I hope she doesn't think this is a surreal porno.

[Dave Coulier shows Flavor Flav a pair of binoculars]

Flavor Flav:
You can go and sneak up on Brigitte cause she be having the knockers laying down on her chest, kid. For real. [Looks through binoculars] Uh oh, Brigitte, I see you, G.

Charo:
Charo: [about her first conversation with Flavor Flav] I'm psychic. So, I know whatever he's telling, he's full of sh*t.

Charo:
[the cast has just learned they will be assisting parapsychologist Dr. Larry Montz in determining if an abandoned mental hospital is haunted] People alive don't understand me. How in the world a ghost is going to understand me?

Dr. Larry Montz:
Because they communicate more telepathically than verbally, so they're not going to be worried about your accent.

Charo:
Oh. [Laughs nervously]

Charo:
[while standing in an elevator shaft where a patient was allegedly crushed to death] I hear the guy, okay? I'm sorry for him, but I want... I... I want to be alive.

Charo:
[On being separated from Jordan to go investigate the electroshock therapy room] If you leave me here alone that's the end of my... of me. I'm a chicken, Doctor. I have a big mouth that's all it is, but I'm a chicken.

Charo:
[after seeing the electric chair in the electroshock therapy room] I was terrified to see the electric chair. You know why? Think about it! How many people been electrified in this chair. It's not a toy. It's the chair that alot of people have been sit down there, close their eyes and get roasted.

M.C. Hammer:
Even if I did have the worst upset stomach, it would have been done in 5 minutes. I'm a professional.

Corey Feldman:
Your a professional crapper?

Jordan Knight:
This is just woman drama.

Dave Coulier:
Brigitte is marching to the tune of her own drum, and that drummer has no clothes on.

Dave Coulier:
So Flav is planning on driving today.

Charo:
Do you have a life insurance?

Ryan Starr:
[crying, whining] This is American Idol all over again!

Brigitte Nielsen:
[after looking at Flavor Flav's gold teeth] That is ridiculous.

Adrianne Curry:
I think it's time for us to get naked!

Verne Troyer:
[after seeing Adrianne naked, under sushi] I thought... wow... Jesus... this is heaven.

Adrianne Curry:
[sees Verne really weird] Verne... Verne... I'm gonna leave water here.

Verne Troyer:
[moans] Okay. [moans again]

Adrianne Curry:
That was pretty uncomfortable... it was kind of... orgasmic moaning.

Jane Wiedlin:
[Chyna Doll says she's leaving] Are you on crack? You can't leave!

Christopher Knight:
[making a movie] Jane... I don't think there's time for that. We should just get to rehearsing.

Jane Wiedlin:
[annoyed] Okay, Chris, I know you're trying to help and you've had more experience in directing than I've had... but if you could butt out, that be nice.

Marcus Schenkenberg:
[Jokingly] Go ahead, hitch a ride.

Vanilla Ice:
[after someone rejects their cookies] We're in the middle of f***ing America lady! Buy some f***ing cookies!

Tammy Faye Bakker:
Oh God.

Joanie Laurer:
I'm so f***ing happy Sean! Sweeping me off my feet!

Adrianne Curry:
[about a scene in The Seven Samurais of Death between her and Christopher Knight] The script called for a kiss. But there was a lot of tongue involved.

Adrianne Curry:
We're goin' on a farm, and we're gooooin' campin'.

Jane Wiedlin:
Pain killers for everyone!

Marcus Schenkenberg:
This is salty, like the pee of my sister!

Adrianne Curry:
...

Marcus Schenkenberg:
I'm just guessing.

Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth:
Let me be the first to tell you that Jose has a wonderful ass.

Janice Dickinson:
Who wants to do the nasty nasty in the phone booth?

Bronson Pinchot:
The last time I saw a cowboy with that many tattoos, I was at a Cher concert!

Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth:
[about Janice] The woman is just, ugh, I feel so bad for her children.

Janice Dickinson:
[to a mentally-challenged person] Hey, Rain Man!

Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth:
I can not even *fathom* someone making fun of a mentally-challenged person.

Janice Dickinson:
Omarosa, the whore!

Janice Dickinson:
Omarosa comes walking out like she's some kind of supermodel! Omarosa looks like Rick James' Siamese twin.

Sandra 'Pepa' Denton:
You can push it, but ya better not push me.

Janice Dickinson:
[Omarosa sprays mousse in her hand, startling Janice] I thought something came out of her ass... like a poopy fart.

Jose Canseco:
[jokingly] Oh, yes. I think I'm going to have to victimize these ladies.

Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth:
So you don't have a temper?

Jose Canseco:
Not at all.

Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth:
Well, I do.

Jose Canseco:
[while getting dressed for a strip show, Jose decides to put on something tiny that will reveal his genitals] I'll wear this.

Caprice Bourret:
That's gonna go over your wiener?

Caprice Bourret:
You sure you wanna go there?

Jose Canseco:
If I'm gonna strip, I at least have to do it right.

Caprice Bourret:
Jose is definitely not afraid to show his female side.

Janice Dickinson:
[Bronson is drilling nails] You're not drilling hard enough.

Bronson Pinchot:
You know what, you said that to me last night... and it's very insulting.

Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth:
[about Jose] My, my, what steroids can do to a body! That man is *hot*!

Bronson Pinchot:
[about Janice] This is a *plastic* vagina. Get a real vagina!

Janice Dickinson:
Orgasm! Orgasm!

Carey Hart:
I've, pretty much, been naked for the whole show.

Jose Canseco:
We are in deep... deep... *deep* sh*t.

Caprice Bourret:
[as Bronson spoons her] Get your wiener away!

Sandra 'Pepa' Denton:
Yeah, well, that's Janice. You never know where or *when* she's gonna stop!

Janice Dickinson:
[about Omarosa] She looked like Mr. Ed on crack.

Ron Jeremy:
So, I'm gonna throw a party for a bunch of my porn star friends!

Traci Bingham:
Trishelle, sweetie, I don't think you're grown up enough to have a life style - but I do.

Trishelle Cannatella:
Whatever, b*tch.

Erik Estrada:
I am *so* happy to be leaving this house.

Janice Dickinson:
[to the guy at McDonald's] Don't tell anyone that I eat this stuff, it'll ruin my image. Although, my friend Naomi Campbell loves to eat here.

Bronson Pinchot:
Have you ever had an abdomen massage?

Caprice Bourret:
No. I think it's weird.

Bronson Pinchot:
First time for everything...

Caprice Bourret:
No. It's weird.

Bronson Pinchot:
Come on, just turn over.

Caprice Bourret:
Weird.

Bronson Pinchot:
Please?

Caprice Bourret:
Weird.

Bronson Pinchot:
What about now?

Caprice Bourret:
Super weird.

Bronson Pinchot:
Don't you want a massage?

Caprice Bourret:
Super weird.

Bronson Pinchot:
Do you want a massage... now?

Caprice Bourret:
No. You're a freak.

Bronson Pinchot:
Come on, Caprice!

Caprice Bourret:
Freak.

Bronson Pinchot:
All right, I'm coming down.

Caprice Bourret:
You're a freak.

Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth:
[oft-repeated line directed at Janice] Crack whore!

Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth:
[uncomfortable because Janice holds the prop knife over her in the photo shoot] Back the f*** up!

Janice Dickinson:
I'm not - I'm not - I'm not backing up. I never said the F word.

Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth:
You let a crackhead play with a knife over here.

Janice Dickinson:
Excuse me? You know what? Who's the crackhead here? It's just a joke.

Bronson Pinchot:
Careful!

Janice Dickinson:
Like your wedding dress.

Bronson Pinchot:
Leave her alone!

Da Brat:
MiniMe is in the corner naked. Peeing.

Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth:
[after causing Janice Dickinson to have a breakdown and subsquently leave the house] Gurl, SEE YA!

Vanilla Ice:
I want my Jimmy Dean sausages! All the fat and all the cholesterol! I'm American and I want all that bad s**%!

Sally Jessy Raphael:
[talking to Trishelle] You have a drinking problem. You have a very sluttish behavior.

Vanilla Ice:
[toasting Erik] You have been like the older brother that left me, I thank you for that. You have filled the void. Thank you man. I hope we will always be friends.

Bronson Pinchot:
Reminds me of a cheap carnival where everybody's gone home and somehow our moms forgot to pick us up.

Charo:
Poopoopoopoo. That's 'caca' on the moon! That's how I feel about all this Jordan!

Jordan Knight:
[rolling his eyes] Women drama...

Vanilla Ice:
You can't grill it till you kill it!

Ron Jeremy:
[talking to Mady the parrot] The house seems empty without the cast. [talking in a devilish tone] We are all alone!

Parrot:
Oh,oh!

Ron Jeremy:
6 years of college and I'm a pool cleaner. Yes folks, I'm Ron Jeremy, pool cleaner. Just dial 1-800-I'm an idiot!

Bronson Pinchot:
[to Janice] Get on your broomstick and go back to Oz, would you please?