The Three Stooges

Moe:
Hey, onion-head, go on back to the shed and grab the chainsaw.

Curly:
Why doesn't Larry go?

Moe:
'Cause he's got a headache.

Larry:
No, I don't.

[Moe bonks Larry on the head with a hammer]

Moe:
How about now?

Larry:
[holding his head] Yeah, it's coming on.

Moe:
Mind your P's and Q's.

Curly:
Don't forget to dot the I's.

Moe:
Certainly.

[Moe pokes Curly in the eyes]

Larry:
Yeah, what's it gonna take to save this place?

Monsignor Ratliffe:
A lot of of this.

[rubs fingers together, indicating money]

Larry:
Oh. Well, that's doable. How many boogers we talking about?

Monsignor Ratliffe:
Not boogers; dollars, you moron!

Teddy:
So, you boys on Facebook? I'll poke you. Better yet, I'll tweet you.

Curly:
Oh! Tweet us to dinner? Soitenly!

Moe:
Hiya, Snook. I got you a present.

Snooki:
Really?

Moe:
Yeah. Go on, open it.

[Snooki opens the box and Moe pokes her in the eye]

Snooki:
Ow!

Lydia:
Those three idiots are here!

Mac:
[looking around] The Kardashian girls? Where are they?

Head Nurse:
Can't you read? Visiting hours are over.

Curly:
Even for family?

Head Nurse:
You're related?

Curly:
Yeah.

Head Nurse:
How?

Curly:
His mother and my mother were both mothers.

Moe:
What is that gadget?

Teddy:
This is an iPhone.

Curly:
An eye phone?

[Curly takes the phone and holds it up to his eye]

Curly:
Hello? Hello?

[Curly hands the phone back]

Curly:
There's nobody there.

Larry:
[the orphanage's bell falls off the roof and hits a nun on the head below] Uh-oh. Is that Sister Mary-Mengele?

Curly:
I don't know, but the face rings a bell.

Curly:
Shame on you, Moe, you let your pride ruin everything for us and them kids.

Moe:
How dare you accuse me of having pride?

Larry:
$830,000. First taker gets a three-man working machine. It's all spelled out in this here contract, folks.

Moe:
That's right. No job is too small. We'll press your pants, we'll shine your shoes.

Curly:
We'll raid your fridge and drink your booze. Nyuk nyuk.

[Moe slaps Curly]

Moe:
What's the matter with you? Quit givin' away the fine print.

Murph:
Who won the poker game last night?

Moe:
Eh, Peezer wiped us out.

Murph:
Peezer? But he's 7.

Larry:
Yeah but he wears those dark sunglasses, so you can't tell what he's thinking.

Young Moe:
Anesthetic!

Young Larry:
Anesthetic!

Young Curly:
Anesthetic!

Young Moe:
15 milligrams. Give!

Young Curly:
Right.

[counts off on a croquet mallet]

Young Curly:
Five, ten, fifteen!

[conks Sister Mary Mengele out]

Moe:
[points at Snooki's Guinness beer hat] Just because it says genius on her hat doesn't mean she is one.

Larry:
Hey, quit horsing around you two. You're disturbing my coffee break.

Curly:
Oh, boy donuts! Where's mine?

Moe:
They're small. Why don't you have two?

Curly:
Okay.

[Moe sticks donuts in Curly's ears]

Curly:
Oh, now look what you did, Moe! You got donut stuck in my ears!

Larry:
Hey, look, you're in luck. They got a donut remover right here.

Moe:
What's a donut remover?

Larry:
It's one of these.

[reads the sign on the bell]

Larry:
"Do-nut remove-uh."

Curly:
Oh, boy. Fosters. That's Australian for beer.

Moe:
Would you like that in a bottle or a mug?

Curly:
I'll take it in a mug.

Moe:
You got it.

[Moe slaps him]

Mother Superior:
Like Moses in the desert, I believe the Lord will guide them. Because they're pure of heart.

Sister Mary-Mengele:
And dim of wit.

Larry:
Hey, bub, your trousers are falling down. Let me help you.

[Larry yanks up Gangbanger's pants]

Gang Banger:
Hey, man, you trying to get yourself capped?

Larry:
Oh, no thanks. I don't wear hats. Why would I with a head of hair like this?

Lydia:
My husband is suffering from an incurable disease that eventually will kill him.

Mac:
Unfortunately, it could take a year, possibly more. The pain increasing daily till I lapse into an irreversible coma.

Curly:
I had that. Only it was just in my feet. Yeah. It's called coma toes.

[Curly and Larry laugh]

Moe:
[mock laughing] Oh, coma toes, huh?

Curly:
Yeah.

[Moe stomps on Curly's foot]

Moe:
Are they awake now?

Curly:
Oh, a pee-shooter, eh?

Larry:
Hey, little fella, want a peanut? Dolphin's love peanuts, you know. Here you go. Catch.

[Larry tosses peanut to dolphin and it falls into its blow hole, the dolphin chokes]

Curly:
Oh, my God! I think he's snufficatin'!

Larry:
Don't worry, pal, I know the Heineken maneuver.

Ronnie:
What are you, crazy? That's assault!

Moe:
Heres your pepper. Shut up.

[Moe slaps him]

The Situation:
My man!

Ronnie:
Who asked ya, muscle-head?

[Moe pokes him in the head]

JWoww:
Moe! You can't just go around hitting people.

Moe:
No? Well, can I do this?

[Moe plucks out her nose hair]

Moe:
Hmm, rare bouquet.

Moe:
What are you grubworms doing?

Curly:
Getting seconds on lobster.

Moe:
Seconds? I thought lobster upset your stomach.

Curly:
I dipped it in pesto-bismol.

Moe:
Oh, you like dipping, eh?

Curly:
Yeah.

Moe:
Come here.

[Moe dips Curly's head into the water, he pulls him out with a lobster attached to his face]

Larry:
Hey, look, it's Santy Claws. Claws!

Moe:
What did I tell you about puns?

[Moe stuffs the lobster down Larry's pants]

Larry:
Hey. Who's this lady?

Ling:
That's Teddo's wife, Lydia.

Larry:
Teddy's wife?

Ling:
Yep. Oh, she's one lucky girl.

Larry:
Then who's the guy on the end?

Ling:
Oh, that's Teddo's best friend, Mac.

Curly:
Well, then who's Mr. Fancy-Pants in the top hot and scarf?

Ling:
That's a snowman.

Larry:
Yeah, but what's his name?

Mac:
Great! Great! How could this possibly get any worse?

[Curly passes gas, everybody groans in disgust]

Curly:
I'm sorry. I guess the pesto-bismol didn't work with the lobster.

Moe:
Did you eat the shells again?

Curly:
I don't know! It was on the plate, and then it wasn't.

[Curly puts binoculars to his eyes the wrong way]

Curly:
It's Attila the Nun! She's a hundred yards out and closin' fast!

[he removes the binoculars and realizes how close Sister Mary-Mengele is]

[he wails]

Curly:
Oh, you must be French. There's a lot of wee-wee.

Larry:
Why isn't she in a hospital?

Mother Superior:
Well...

Sister Mary-Mengele:
I'll tell you why. Because we don't have any medical insurance.

Larry:
Well, you should get some. Just call that little green alligator guy.

Carbunkle:
You blithering idiots! What do you think you're doing?

Moe:
Out of the way, 3PO, we got to get Teddy.

Carbunkle:
This is an invitation-only party!

[points the way out for them]

Carbunkle:
Now, good day!

Curly:
Hey, Moe! Hey, Larry! Fellas, do something!

Larry:
[nervously] Moe, Moe!

Moe:
What's the matter with y... [gasps]

Curly:
Call 411 [whimpers]

Moe:
[to Larry] Quick, help me grab sister M and M before chowderhead crushes her!

[bonks to a water retainer, Curly falls on top of her, Mary-Mengele groans]

Moe:
[to Curly] You, help out. [to Larry] You, grab that bucket, splash some water on her.

[metal from the bell hits Mary-Mengele thru the bucket]

Larry:
See? I told you there's too much iron in the water.

Moe:
Speak to me, sis. Say a few parables!

Sister Mary-Mengele:
[dizzy and hallucinating] I saved 15% on my car insurance.

Larry:
She seems fine to me.

Moe:
Come on, let's go see what Mother Superior wants.

[Sister Mary-Mengele's head hits the water retainer]

[groans]