The Waterboy

[Coach Klein is agape at Bobby's tackling ability]

Coach Klein:
Bobby. Bobby! Can you do this for me? Every single game, can you do this?

Bobby Boucher:
Coach, not only will I do it for you, I... I... I... yes, yes, I'll do it for you.

Coach Klein:
Is there any sport that you do watch? You know, a physical sport? Boxing? Hockey?

Bobby Boucher:
I-wrestling.

Coach Klein:
Wrestling! Wrestling is good. Who's your favorite wrestler?

Bobby Boucher:
Well, even though he was slightly discourteous to me recently, I'm gonna have to say Captain Insane-O.

Coach Klein:
kay, okay, I want you to do to Casey...what Captain Insane-O does to the bad guy. Go.

[Bobby gouges Casey's eyes, players gasp]

Casey:
He poked me in the eye!

Bobby Boucher:
Captain Insane-O shows no mercy.

Coach Klein:
[after drinking Bobby's water] This is good. This is much better than what I serve.

Bobby Boucher:
[looks up to see a jug of polluted water] That is the water that you serve to your players?

Coach Klein:
Uh huh.

Bobby Boucher:
It is imperative that you allow me to be your waterboy.

Coach Klein:
I can't hire you. I can't hire anybody. We're the poorest footb...

Bobby Boucher:
You do not have to...have to pay me. I-I will do it for free. Just promise me that you will never distribute the contents of that jug to any human person.

Coach Klein:
[pause] That's a deal.

[Coach Beaulieu crashes the MudDogs' party]

Coach Red Beaulieu:
I got something for you. This is his transcript from South Lafayette High School in Cherokee Plains, Louisiana. Now, the problem with that..is there ain't no South Lafayette High School in Cherokee Plains, Louisiana. So obviously, this is a fake! [crowd gasps] However, this is not a fake. This is from the N-C-double-A. [shows official letter] They don't think you ought to play football no more. So allow me to say this to you one more time: You're fired.

Townie:
Oh, no! We suck again!

[Mama Boucher has discovered Bobby's activities]

Mama Boucher:
School? You're out there gallivanting with all yo' foosball friends in school, while I'm sitting here all day with no one to keep me company, except Stee? [gestures to horse eating out of toilet bowl] The chickens are coming home to roost, Bobby Boucher. You'll rid yourself of yo' foolish ways. You gonna lose all your fancy "foos' ball" games, and you're gonna fail your big exam, because school is-

Bobby Boucher:
-the devil?! [Mama gasps] Everything is the devil to you, Mama! Well, I like school, and I like football! And I'm gonna keep doin' them both because they make me feel good! [runs out, turns back at Mama] And by the way, Mama. Alligators are ornery 'cause of their "medulla oblongata"! [runs out the door, then back in] And I like Vicki, and she like me back! And she showed me her boobies and I like them too! [slams the door on Mama]

[during half-time at the Bourbon Bowl, the team is in the locker room lamenting their game options]

Coach Klein:
Anybody got an idea? [silence]

Derek Wallace:
Hey, remember the time Bobby tackled the referee by mistake? [Everybody chuckles]

Lyle Robideaux:
Yeah, that was pretty funny. How 'bout the time Bobby tackled the guy from Louisville, and threw him into the stands?[Everybody laughs]

Guy Grenouille:
Y'all remember the time he intercepted the ball and his pants fell off, and he ran for the touchdown bare ass? [Everybody laughs again]

Farmer Fran:
Remember the time Bobby Boucher... [begins to mumble, everyone stares at him]

Bobby Boucher:
[shows up in the locker room by surprise] Remember the time Bobby Boucher showed up at halftime and the Mud Dogs won the Bourbon Bowl, do ya? [Everybody starts cheering and shouting]

[Bobby Boucher has just seen Mama deck Roberto out of revenge for abandoning both her and Bobby years ago.]

Bobby Boucher:
Nice hit, Mama.

Mama Boucher:
Thanks, baby. Now go on, have fun becomin' a man.

Professor:
Now, is there anyone here who can tell me why most alligators are abnormally aggressive?

Bobby:
[Quietly, to Derek] I know the answer to this question.

Derek:
Raise your hand.

Professor:
Anybody? Anyone? [points to Bobby] Yessee you, sir.

Bobby:
[standing up] Mama says that alligators are ornery because they got all them teeth but no toothbrush.

[The entire class laughs as Bobby sits down next to an embarrassed Derek. Even the professor is laughing.]

Professor:
Mama says alligators are ornery because they got all them teeth and no toothbrush? Wow!

[The class briefly laughs again]

Professor:
Is there anybody else? Yessee you, sir.

Student:
Alligators are agressive because of an enlargement - medulla oblongata. It's the sector of the brain that controls the aggressive behavor.

Professor:
That is correct! The medulla oblongata!

Bobby:
[starting to rise again] But mama say that-

Professor:
The medulla oblongata... [Bobby sits back down] ...is where anger, jealosy, and aggression come from. Now, is there anybody here who can tell me where happiness comes from?

[Bobby raises his hand again as Derek tries to push his hand down telling him no, but...too late. Professor has already seen it.]

Professor:
Alright. Let's here what mama has to say on the subject.

Bobby:
[rising again] Mama say that happiness is from magic rays of sunshine that come down when you're feeling blue.

[Once again, everybody laughs]

Professor:
Well folks...mama's wrong again!

[Class laughs again]

Bobby:
No, Colonol Sanders, you're wrong. [Class goes "ooohhh..." on this, until...] Mama's right!

[The class breaks back into laughing. Bobby runs for the door.]

Bobby:
You're all wrong! Mama's right! Mama's right!

Professor:
Something's wrong with his medulla oblongata!

[Everyone continues laughing until an enraged Bobby knocks the professor to the ground, shocking everyone.]

[Bobby Boucher and Vicki are ready to drive off in his JUST MARRIED lawnmower, but a car suddenly stops in front of them and a seemingly retarded man appears]

Roberto:
Bobby? It's me! Your dad! Roberto!

Bobby Boucher:
Dad?

Roberto:
You know, I've seen you on the ESPN, when they was talkin' about you bein' drafted by the NFL.

Bobby:
I'm not going to the NFL. I'm gonna stay in school and graduate.

Roberto:
The hell with school, dopey! Take the money! You and me can be partners! Just like that Tiger Woods and his dad! [as he sees Mama bolting towards him in rage] Uh-oh.

[Mama decks Roberto out of revenge for abandoning both her and Bobby years ago. The crowd cheers to this]

Bobby Boucher:
Nice hit, Mama!

Mama Boucher:
Thanks, baby. Now go on, have fun becomin' a man.

[after Vicky revives an unconscious Bobby with a sip of her special water]

Dan Fouts:
The waterboy just needed some water!

Brent Musburger:
Wow, Dan, did you come up with that all by yourself?

Dan Fouts:
Shut up, Brent!