The Wind in the Willows

[repeated line]

Mr. Toad:
It's the only way to travel.

Ratty:
If you believe me, my young friend, there is nothing - absolutely nothing, half so worth doing as - simply messing around in boats!

Mr. Toad:
[singing] Whether a Ford or a Ferrari, whatever I can get to carry me near or far, just give me any car. I love to ride the Tar, an old Excalibar; yes, any motor car. And I'll be happy - ho-ho! Messing around in cars!

Mr. Toad:
Oh, what dust clouds I shall make! What carts I shall fling into the ditch!

Ratty:
[sternly] Toad, come down here!

Mr. Toad:
As you wish, Ratty.

Badger:
Toad, you should be delighted - that I'll have three permanent house guests who'll take turns being with you night and day.

Badger:
We're attacking Toad Hall tonight.

Mr. Toad:
Right! Oh! Oh, with armies, and navies, and...

Badger:
No, no, no, just *ourselves*.

Mr. Toad:
[sadly] A bit of a comedown on that. Hmm. We'll never get past the sentries.

Ratty:
We are *not* going PAST them! We are going unnnnnder them.

Moley:
Gonna use the secret tunnel to Toad Hall.

Mr. Toad:
Splendid idea!

Mr. Toad:
[driving his motor paddleboat] Make way! Make way for Captain Toad of Toad Hall!

Mr. Toad:
My friends... the Toad has come home. There was smashing of the windows and crashing of the doors. There was crying of the weasels that fainted on the floor when the Toad came home. Shout "Hooray" - for Mr. Toad. Sound your horns, fire the cannons, shout "Hooray", for it's Toad's grrrrreat day!

[first lines]

Mr. Toad:
Oh... was there ever such a yachtsman as Mr. Toad? [camera flash, followed by a puff of smoke] Never!

Mr. Toad:
As penance, I shall build you a new boat. An-and wear the washerwoman's dress to the end of my miserable day. [seeing the hatrack empty, but still peering around it] Hello, where is it? I-I left it hanging right here.

Ratty:
The dress? Oh, Mole took it out before.

Mr. Toad:
Mole? Really? Hm, didn't think him the type.

Moley:
[as Ratty starts digging snow away to reveal Badger's doorscraper] Wha - what're you doin? My leg *hurts*!

Ratty:
[stops digging when he sees half the doorscraper] Oh, ha-ha! Bravo! [starts dancing triumphantly] Aha - bra - vo, I found whatcha tripped over!

Moley:
*What?* Ho - how?

Ratty:
[digging more snow to reveal the other half of the doorscraper] Look, see? It's a doorscraper.

Moley:
A what?

Ratty:
Used to scrape mud off the boots.

Moley:
Ah dear, ther-there's no bread. An-and no butter!

Mr. Toad:
No bread? But I distinctly recall purchasing several crisp baguettes this morning, along with some marvelous French "beurre", butter to you.

Ratty:
[going inside the wagon] Wouldn't it be in there, right next to the pate de foie gras?

Mr. Toad:
[sitting in his prison cell, moping] Ohhh - Oh no, that's the end of everything. Or at least the end of my career, which is the same thing. I should have listened to my friends. [starts sobbing] Oh! Oh wise old Badger, uh - oh clever, intelligent Rat, oh sensible Mole - oh stupid, unhappy, and forsaken Toad! Who was once so free, so careless, an-and so debonair! [continues sobbing until the jailer and his daughter appear at his cell door]

Ratty:
[rummaging through the wagon for pate de foie gras] Not only is there not any pate de foie gras, there's no champagne!

[peering out the wagon door towards Toad, calls to him accusingly]

Ratty:
[scoffs] *You* have forgotten everything!

Mr. Toad:
Oh, surely there's *something*.

Moley:
There's *nothing*!

Ratty:
It would be easier to say what we *don't* have.

Moley:
[after Ratty dances next to Badger's doorscraper a second time] How dare you dance a jig around a doorscraper while my leg is throbbing?

Ratty:
[impatiently but stiffly] But don't you see what that means, you dull-witted animal?

Mr. Toad:
You'll be happy to know: I'm giving up the sea. It's beginning to bore me.

Badger:
[during his confrontation with Toad] You *know* we must come to this sooner or later. You've disregarded all the warnings we've given you, and you've gone on squandering the money your father left you. You're a disgrace to all of us and to your family. You're giving us animals a bad name in the district by your furious driving, and smashes, and rivals with the police. We animals *never* allow our friends to make fools of themselves beyond a certain limit. This is our last effort that will bring you to reason. Change your ways now, or face the consequences, which I promise you will *not* be pleasant!

Mr. Toad:
[as he vivaciously drives the motorcar he stole previously, laughs] Washerwoman indeed! I am the toad! The car snatcher, the prison breaker, the toad who always escapes! Sit still, and you'll know what driving *really* is!

Mr. Toad:
[after he is thrown into a tree when his car crashes into it; he is holding his steering wheel] What a magnificent climax, for a superb machine. [chuckles as he tosses his steering wheel down, then climbs down] Must order another one before winter comes.

Moley:
[during Toad's victory banquet] He kept his word.

Ratty:
Quiet as a possum.

Moley:
Modest as a mouse.

Badger:
Too good to be true. I don't trust the little bounder.

Mr. Toad:
Hmm, didn't think I'd end up with two fussy eaters.

Mr. Toad:
I say, Rat, forget writing poetry?

[chuckles]

Mr. Toad:
Let's race!

Ratty:
Not today, Mr. Toad.

Mr. Toad:
[as Ratty rows away] Oh, spoilsport.

Mr. Toad:
Shall we have some dinner? Filet mignon, crepes, lobster, and Peking duck?

Ratty:
There's a banquet for you. I know some animals who would give their ears to be sitting down to supper with us tonight.

Badger:
Tonight, we'll make our way throught the tunnel, bypass the sentries, and come up on the pantry next to the dining hall.

Mr. Toad:
The squeaky board in the pantry.

Badger:
Right. And thanks to Mole, they'll be thinking that *hundreds* are attacking. We'll clear them out of Toad Hall in five minutes.

Mr. Toad:
[after he is ordered to jump from the train to escape the police who try to pursue him due to his escape from prison; he laughs triumphantly] It's very late. [curls up] Mm, quite cold and - oh, very dark. No money. No food. What was I laughing about?

Badger:
The trap door's right ahead. Follow me, animals, the hour is come!

Ratty:
What good is poetry when everybody's moving on? Hm - everyone but me. And to think, a road goes past my very door, and I only know a mile or two of it.

Ratty:
[writing his letter to Toad] And to this very day...

Badger:
Ratty! Toad's escaped from prison. Flew the coup. Gone.

Ratty:
Gone? G-g-g-g-gone where?

Badger:
Heaven only knows.

[repeated line]

Badger:
Some say there is a being, kindly, benevolent, whose heartbeat is all nature, and whose embrace protects small animals everywhere. Piper, Pan, call him what you will.

Moley:
Ratty... Ratty...

Ratty:
[yawns] Time for a nap.

Moley:
[stutters] Before you slip off, uh-uh... uh, Ratty?

Ratty:
Huh? What is it?

Moley:
Couldn't we invite Badger over? I-I haven't met him yet.

Ratty:
I told you a thousand times...

[yawns]

Ratty:
he'd never come.

Moley:
Oh uh, Ratty, Ratty...

Ratty:
Uh... uh... what?

Moley:
But suppose we call on him?

Ratty:
*Nooooo*! He hates company, society invitations, and all that sort of... [yawns briefly] thing.

Moley:
Well, we could chance it. All he could do is turn us out.

Ratty:
[rising to ultimately warn Moley in an arm-flailing manner] He lives in the middle Wild Wood, and nobody would dare the Terror of the Wild Wood at this time of year.

Moley:
[trying to retreat back] But, but uh...

Ratty:
It's a long way, and *much* too dangerous!

Ratty:
Help me right the boat, then we'll both row down to Toad Hall, and I'm going to give him what for.

Moley:
Together?

Ratty:
Of course.

Moley:
After all these years alone in the hole, I would thoroughly enjoy doing something - together.

Ratty:
[glancing toward Badger's doormat] Look. A doormat.

Moley:
So - can we eat a doormat, or can we sleep under a doormat, or ride home in the snow on it, you exasperating rodent?

Ratty:
[sneeringly] Doesn't it tell you anything?

Moley:
Whoever heard of a doormat telling - ?

Ratty:
Not another word, you thick-headed beast. Dig.

[he and Moley dig snow around Badger's home till it all collapses to reveal his home]

Moley:
[observing Toad's confrontation with Badger] Toad's skin is hanging like an old leather bag. His legs are wobbling. He's down on his knees. He's crying. His cheeks are furrowed with tears. He's re-penting!

Ratty:
[voiceover] My new friend, Mole, had entered into the joy of running water, and for the first time in his life he heard the sound of the wind in the reeds and willows.

Moley:
[riding in Ratty's boat for the first time] So uh, this is a river?

Ratty:
*The* river. It's my world, and I don't know any other.

Mr. Toad:
Wonderful! Spellbinding! [chuckles] Outrageously magnificent! Was there ever such a master of motorcars as Toad of Toad Hall?

Mr. Toad:
[chuckles] Brain against brute force!

Mr. Toad:
Is something bothering you chaps?

Badger:
You will come with me into the library. You will hear the hard facts about yourself. [grabs Toad in one arm, then advances toward the library door and opens it] We'll see if you come out of that room in the same Toad as you went in. Brother Toad, sit down. [tosses Toad onto a chair]

Mr. Toad:
Ow!

Badger:
Prepare to repent for your follies.

Ratty:
[with a dreamy look on his face at first, then looking up briefly] The song has died away into reed-talk.

Moley:
But what do the words mean?

Ratty:
Ah, that I don't know. I really passed them onto you the way they reached me.

Ratty:
[as he and Moley stare at the bed sheets hanging from the window that Toad used to escape from Toad Hall] He did awfully well.

Badger:
He did *you* awfully well. Well - we'd better stay here for a while. Toad may be brought back at any moment, on a stretcher or between two policemen.

Badger:
Well now, what's the news on the riverbank? How's old Toad getting on?

Ratty:
From bad to worse.

Moley:
With all of his contraptions, you know.

Badger:
All? How many has he had?

Moley:
He smashed up six, then - then there was that stone wall, and then...

Badger:
[singing] I hate company. If you're company, I'll hate you with the rest.

Moley, Ratty:
[singing] He hates company.

Badger:
I hate company.

Moley, Ratty:
Don't invite him, he's a certifiable pest.

Badger:
I hate company!

Moley, Ratty:
He hates company.

Badger:
Being alone is best.

Mr. Toad:
[singing] When I'm messing around in cars, the world is apple pie. When I'm messing around in cars, I'm quite another guy. When I'm messing around in cars, when I'm messing around in cars, I'm in the stars when I'm messing around... around in caaaaaars! Ho-ho, let's go!

Ratty:
The snow's changed everything!

[scoffs]

Ratty:
I don't recognize a thing.

Moley:
[shivering] Well... actually, it - it's a bit late to call on Badger. And Rat, we'd better head back home.

Ratty:
And what makes you think that we can *find* our way home?

[scoffs again]

Ratty:
We're lost, my friend! Lost...!

[echos]

Ratty:
[to Badger] Do you suppose we're being too hard on Toad? He's been locked up in that room for weeks. And now he's taken to his bed; he won't eat, hardly says a word...

Badger:
He's weakening. In a few more weeks, he'll be reformed. Keep a keen eye on him, Ratty, while we do the marketing. Come along, Moley.

Ratty:
[his boat perched atop a tree] You ought to be arrested, Toad!

Moley:
[after coming out from his hole, he ducks back inside, blinded by the day light] Oh... oh, my eyes.

Ratty:
What's wrong down there?

Moley:
It's - it's the day light. I've never seen it before.

Ratty:
Never?

[he and his boat fall from the tree when a green bird takes flight from it; he and his boat crash next to Moley's hole]

Ratty:
Ahh, ooh, unh!

Ratty:
[about Toad] He'll end up killed or bankrupt. We're his friends. Shouldn't we do something?

Badger:
[yawning] Of course. I can't do anything now. It's winter.

[yawns]

Moley:
Dozing? Badger, too?

Ratty:
[almost whispering] No animal is ever expected to do anything strenuous, heroic, or even moderately active during winter.

Badger:
When winter's over, we'll take Toad seriously into hand. We'll stand no nonsense. We'll bring him back to his senses even if force is needed. We'll make him a sensible Toad. But now...

[yawns]

Badger:
It's time for bed.

Ratty:
Yes... we've got a long journey home tomorrow.

Moley:
Not the Wild Wood again.

Moley:
[covering himself with leaves while escaping from the ghosts of Wild Wood creatures] Now I know what Ratty meant by the Terror of the Wild Wood.

Moley:
[as he and Ratty slide down what turns out to be Badger's roof, he trips what later appears to be his doorscraper] Ow! Oh, my le - g!

Ratty:
[hearing Moley's cry for help, he stops sliding and climbs back up to Moley to investigate his leg] Let me look at that. Your cut... it looks as if... that was made by the edge of something metal.

Moley:
Well, never mind what's done it; it hurts just the same, whatever's done it.

Badger:
[to the weasels, who are mopping the banquet hall to prepare for Toad's victory banquet] And make sure you get it spotless; everything must be just so for Toad's victory banquet.

Mr. Toad:
But why must I have a banquet?

Badger:
It's expected of you; it's the rule!

Mr. Toad:
It's short-noticed. But I can whip up an interesting program, I'm sure. [chuckles briefly] I could give several speeches of course.

Moley:
[as he and Badger shake their heads] No.

Mr. Toad:
And address on our prison system? [Ratty shakes his head] A lecture on the techniques of escaping?

Badger:
No speeches.

Mr. Toad:
Just one little speech?

Ratty:
*No*! Your speeches are all conceit and *boasting*, and...

Badger:
And gas.

Mr. Toad:
Oh, I know then, a short song. [Badger, Ratty, and Moley shake their heads in unison] Ah, very well. In sport, I - I will be a very different toad. But oh dear, oh dear, oh dear, oh, this is a haaaard world...