The Wolves of Kromer

Gabriel:
Surely they knew. Parents can always tell when one of their kids gonna turn out to be wolves.

Seth:
I'd always suspected. I mean, Mom used to tell me to tuck my tail into my jeans, and Dad used to make jokes about boys like me. It's like they just hoped it would go away.

Gabriel:
What happened?

Seth:
It was a full moon.

[Gabriel responds unintelligibly]

Seth:
I just couldn't help myself. Now, I locked the door, but they burst in and found me in all my glory: fur, tail, claws, the lot. I was holding a copy of Wolf Weekly.

The Priest:
There were no wolves in the Garden of Eden, Fanny.

Gabriel:
You should call them and let them know you're still alive.

Seth:
I left them a letter.

Gabriel:
What did it say?

Seth:
Don't be looking for me, I'm not coming back.

Gabriel:
Nice to leave on a positive note.

Gabriel:
Here.

Seth:
What?

Gabriel:
Guess what's in my paw.

Seth:
I don't know?

Gabriel:
Yours.

The Priest:
Well, I just hope they don't try to settle. They only bring disease and spread trouble wherever they go. They're unpleasant creatures. We should all keep an eye out.

[Laying in wait while a woman approaches with a baby stroller]

Gabriel:
Okay, now get ready.

Seth:
Wha'chu mean, "get ready?" I'm not doin' this on my own. What if she puts up a fight? She'll expect me to bite her.

Gabriel:
Just growl and show your teeth.

Seth:
What if she shows hers?

Seth:
Wait. Can't you see what big ears I have?

Polly:
All the better for me to nibble.

Seth:
My eyes. My eyes are enormous.

Polly:
All the better to see me with.

Seth:
My, what big hairy arms.

Polly:
All the better to hold me.

Seth:
What a big mouth I have.

Polly:
All the better for you to kiss me.

Jayce:
D'you want a sausage?

Gabriel:
As long as you're not on the end of it.

Kester:
[to the priest] I'll be fine. I'll see you in church at the service tomorrow. If I see the wolves, I'll send them in your direction, that's if they don't eat me first.

Mrs Drax:
[lying on deathbed] I've just seen the priest.

Fanny:
Oh. Is it time Mrs. Drax?

Mrs Drax:
He was cooking sausages!

Fanny:
Oh, Mrs. Drax, we know that's not true. He'll be safely tucked up in bed.

The Priest:
She's a remarkable woman. The Lord has given her great inner strength. She's sitting up in bed.

Doreen:
Sitting up and dead?

The Priest:
Dear me. no! She's alive.

The Priest:
There are many wolves out there. Secret wolves. And their silence serves only to fuel my act.

Kester:
Well, you;re not acting for me. Let them get on with it.

The Priest:
Kester, I'm not hearing you.

Kester:
Yes, you are father, and you're being really uncool about this. I mean, where in the Bible does it say, Thou shalt not be a wolf?

The Priest:
They are sent to us by the Prince of Darkness, Kester.

Kester:
Yeah, but...

The Priest:
No, Kester! They seek to destroy that union which is sacred to the church - marriage. Marriage is the reflection of our relationship to God, and Satan has sent them to try to undermine that mystical union.

Kester:
Look, I'm frozen. I'm going home.

The Priest:
Well... well, I'll have to accompany you.

Kester:
I'll be fine. I know the way.

The Priest:
Don't be so ridiculous. I couldn't possibly...

Kester:
I'll be fine. I'll see you in church for the service tomorrow. If I see the wolves, I'll send them in your direction. That's, if they don't eat me first.

The Priest:
Kester! Damn. Why did you do this, God? You humiliated me in front of him. If he'd seen me kill just... just one, he'd respect me! Not some old fuddy-duddy. A real man, who can control the lives of others. I am that sort of man, God. I can kill wolves. I hate them! I'm not afraid of blood. I'll tear them apart with my bare hands, just you see!