They Want Dick Dickster

Teddy Spitz:
You're the loser that ruined Brad Priest's life. You're Dick Dickster!

Dick Dickster:
I am the Dickster, baby. And Brad Priest ruined Brad Priest's life. He's a pedophile. Are you? He should be neutered, lobotomized.

Dick Dickster:
Ten percent of nothing is nothing. And I got nothing. I got less than nothing. That's something.

Dick Dickster:
People always ask about that one. How I got that look in her eyes...

Tim Meeks:
How did you get that look in her eyes?

Dick Dickster:
I drugged her. Well, I'm not proud of it. But you gotta do, what you gotta do, to get the shot. That's directing 1-0-1.

Richard Grieco:
He had an idea of me wrestling a tiger shark. And he wanted to film it. I think he gave me a roofie, because, all of a sudden, I was in the water with about thirty-eight tiger sharks. But he was doing it for a reason. It wasn't about the tiger sharks, it wasn't about anything. It was just getting that moment on my face, of fear. This little shark tooth I have here, I got bit, in the thigh by a baby one, about this big. Dick saved my life that day.

Ed Lawler:
Dickster, where were you, nine p.m., March 13th, 1989?

Dick Dickster:
Banging your wife. And she was grateful.

Ed Lawler:
That's not what I'm talking about with you, pal. I got you. I have a witness. A witness has come forward, she's got you nailed to the wall. You were in the dirt, on the hill, behind the Pizza Hut, at the wrap party of your ridiculous, horrible movie: Cult of Damn, or whatever it was.

Dick Dickster:
Cult of Doom, punk. And I was never there. If you had something, you'd already have put me away. You got nothing.

Ed Lawler:
I got everything! Statutory rape. Uh-huh, in Arkansas, you got a thirteen year old girl, yes you do. Yes, you do. What do you have to say for yourself?

Dick Dickster:
LIES! People lie about famous celebrity directors like myself all the time. Lisa Madonna...

Ed Lawler:
What did you say, you said: seventeen? Was she seventeen and not thirteen? Is that what you just said? You said that.

Dick Dickster:
Huh? Who? What?

Ed Lawler:
You said that. I got you, buddy. You know exactly who I'm talking about. What was her name?

Dick Dickster:
Lisa Madonna.

Ed Lawler:
That's right, Lisa Madonna.

Dick Dickster:
She disappeared, pal. You got nothing.

Ed Lawler:
Oh, really? I got you, I got you nailed.

Dick Dickster:
What is this on your head? What is that, f***ing wolverine? It's beaver pelt.

Ed Lawler:
I'M TAKING YOU DOWN! I'M TAKING YOU DOWN, I'M TAKING YOU DOWN GOOD!

Dick Dickster:
Hardy?

Tim Meeks:
Hello, Dick? Dick? I think I hear him. Let's just go in.

Dick Dickster:
Hardy. I love you...

Tim Meeks:
He's here. That's actually Dick Dickster. I'm gonna try, I'm going to wake him. Dick? Hello? Dick? Dick?

Dick Dickster:
Who are you?

Tim Meeks:
Sorry, didn't mean to wake you.

Dick Dickster:
Who said you could come in here? Are you crazy? I'll f***ing kill you.

Tim Meeks:
No. It's me, Tim Meeks, USC Film Student. We spoke last week about the documentary, about you?

Dick Dickster:
Film school? Ha! You could've saved big bucks if you'd gone to the Dick Dickster school of film making.

Tim Meeks:
What is that?

Dick Dickster:
Get a camera, make a movie. Get out of here! Get out! I don't remember talking to you last week. You punks don't want to learn how a real shooter survives in the naked city. You want to theorize in your little circle jerks that you're the next Steverino Spielberg. But you're not. You couldn't direct your way out of a wet paper bag!

Tim Meeks:
I want to be the next Dick Dickster, sir.

Dick Dickster:
No, you don't. Unhappy ending. Now get the f*** out of here before I carve you up, Tommy Trojan.

Tim Meeks:
Is that the knife from Cult?

Dick Dickster:
It is. You know Cult of Doom?

Tim Meeks:
Do I know it? I freaking love that movie. I worship that movie. It's the reason I got into film in the first place. I've seen it over a thousand times.

Dick Dickster:
Really? A thousand times?

Tim Meeks:
It's pure genius. And, it gets better every time.

Dick Dickster:
True. It is. It holds up to multiple viewings. Come right in. It's pure genius, isn't it? But why doesn't Hollywood know it?

Tim Meeks:
Maybe after my documentary comes out about you, the world will finally recognize your great talents and put you in the pantheon amongst all the greats, along with DeMille, Ford, Kubrick, Scorsese, Fellini, and of course, you, Dick Dickster.

Dick Dickster:
Dick Dickster... at your service. Ha! I'd like to thank the members of the academy...

Dick Dickster:
I got a great picture in me, if they'd just give me another shot.

Sammy Davas Jr:
On what planet? Nobody is going to hire you, man. They, they hate you. You burned every bridge. Dick, you couldn't get a job directing your own home movies right now...

Dick Dickster:
What about our investors? You said they were good for it. They had the money in escrow.

Sammy Davas Jr:
I told you to leave the producer's wife alone. Did you listen? No, you groped and harassed.

Dick Dickster:
I did nothing of the sort, I didn't... that's an annoying ringtone.

Sammy Davas Jr:
Hello. Hey, Ciley! What? They said what? No, no, no, they can't do that. That's not in the contract. Yeah, hold on, I'll be over there in a minute, just a minute. Sorry, guys. I gotta go. It's an emergency. Disney is f***ing with my M-T.

Tim Meeks:
M-T? What?

Dick Dickster:
Meal ticket. He's got a teenager on a Disney show. He thinks she's the next Hannah Montana

Sammy Davas Jr:
Good luck. You're gonna need it. This guy, when he's drinkin...

Dick Dickster:
Are you whispering about me in MY office, Sam?

Sammy Davas Jr:
You just chill out and relax, man. OK? I'll catch you later. Nice to meet you.

Dick Dickster:
Go wipe Ciley Myrus's ass! Thanks for nothing, as usual. See what I deal with? I think it might be time to cut the old ball and chain loose.

Tim Meeks:
Are you talking about firing your manager?