Timon & Pumbaa

Bampuu:
Timon? Ever wonder what those sparkly dots are up there?

Timon:
Bampuu, I don't wonder, I know. They're fireflies. Fireflies that got stuck up in that big blueish-black thing.

Bampuu:
Oh. Okay.

[silence]

Timon:
Bampuu? Aren't you going to say that you thought they were balls of gas burning billions of miles away?

Shenzi the Hyena:
Well, it was a little hot in the end.

Banzai the Hyena:
But I've never heard of a rocket ship without seatbelts and air bags.

Shenzi the Hyena:
Besides, there was no room to carry our luggage.

Ed the Hyena:
[laughs indistinctly]

Cheatato:
I'm sorry. What was that?

Banzai the Hyena:
He said, "They didn't serve peanuts."

Banzai the Hyena:
Hey, I wanna sit in the front! You got it last time!

Shenzi the Hyena:
Oh, all right. [they switch] Hey, wait a minute! There was not last time!

Pumbaa:
Are you sure you did the right thing and returned the money, Timon?

Timon:
Of course I did, Pumbaa. That's why they gave me such a big reward.

Pumbaa:
But this looks like exactly $1,290,000 worth of stuff.

Timon:
Isn't that ironic? That was the exact amount of the reward!

Pumbaa:
Wait a minute!

Timon:
Which is probably the amount of time we have left to live.

Pumbaa:
He's gonna hurt us, Timon! You've got to do something!

Timon:
What do you want me to do? Dress in drag and do the hula?

Pumbaa:
I don't think that would work in this kind of situation, Timon.

Quint:
You, Santa Claus, want to give me, Criminal Quint, Christmas presents?

Timon:
[dressed as Santa Claus] Oh, yes, I've checked my list twice, and you've been an extra good criminal this year. Therefore, you deserve a lot of presents.

Quint:
But it's the middle of June!

Timon:
Is it? [looks at a calendar] Oh, you're right! It is! Well then, I guess I'll have to take these presents back then. Can't be giving them away early.

Timon:
[in an overlong trench coat] Good afternoon, sir! We would like to make you an offer... uh, er, I mean... I, a singular type human person... would like to make you an offer you can't refuse...

Quint:
Criminal Quint is busy.

Timon:
Wait! Don't shut us out! I mean, don't shut me, a singular type human person out... until you've seen... this! [displays a plunger]

Quint:
What is it?

Timon:
It is a toilet plunger. You know, to steal all that money people throw down the drain. And it can be yours for the low low introductory this-week-only price of uh... $1,290,000.

Pumbaa:
[from inside coat]... in unmarked bills.

[Timon kicks Pumbaa]

Pumbaa:
I mean, not in unmarked bills!

[Timon kicks Pumbaa]

Pumbaa:
Oww! I mean, I didn't say anything!

Timon:
Uh... my stomach can talk?

Timon:
[reading a newspaper article] "Criminal Quint, the most wanted criminal east of Alcatraz, has stolen a suitcase full of money?"

Pumbaa:
We'd better go right to the police, tell them what happened, and say to them everything we know! That would be the right thing to do.

Timon:
What gives you that idea?

Pumbaa:
Didn't you read the rest of the article?

Timon:
[reading] "If you know anything about this, please go right to the police and tell them what happened and say to them everything you know. That would be the right thing to do." [to Pumbaa] Pumbaa, we can't go to the police.

Pumbaa:
Why not?

Timon:
We found the money, right? Then we gave it back to Criminal Quint, correct? That makes us accomplices!

Pumbaa:
It does?

Timon:
Yes, it does! And that means we'll have to go to jail and call each other Butch and wear those stripy jail clothes!

Pumbaa:
Stripes make me look pudgy! And don't call me Butch.

Pumbaa:
Timon, aren't you glad we got $1?

Timon:
Well, of course I am, Pumbaa. See my big glad smile? Eeeee!

Quint:
So long, suckers!... I mean, citizens.

Timon:
It's called Reverse Psychology, Pumbaa. You tell them you want them to do something that you really don't want them to do, and they don't do it!

[to Baby Earl]

Timon:
Baby Earl, I want you to jump off a cliff!

[Baby Earl jumps off]

Timon:
Aaahh! Baby Earl!

Pumbaa:
Hey, look, Timon! You're Timonalisa!

Timon:
Now's not the time for comedy, Pumbaa.

Shenzi the Hyena:
Hey, I know! We'll all pretend we're monkeys and hide in a big barrel until he comes back.

Banzai the Hyena:
Nah, that's stupid. Hey, we can build an environment suitable and comfortable for all species in the class known as Chimpanzee.

Shenzi the Hyena:
Yeah, you get right on that.

Ed the Hyena:
[speaking his gibberish language. As he talks his head bonks on the box he's standing on] Ha ha ha!

Shenzi the Hyena, Banzai the Hyena:
Hey, that's not bad!

Banzai the Hyena:
What'd he say?

Shenzi the Hyena:
I have no idea.

Shenzi the Hyena:
You know, I think our Monkey Stew is missing an ingredient.

Banzai the Hyena:
What?

Shenzi the Hyena:
Everything! [shouts] Including the monkey!

Timon:
Pumbaa? A brave bull? Of all things, he's a COW-ard! Ha ha ha! COW-ard! Get it?... Too bad nobody was around to hear that one.

Timon:
You know, the other day, I met a guy who just hates being around bulls. He was from Constantino-BULL!

Timon:
Of course! Why didn't I think of this before?

Pumbaa:
Did you just think, Timon, that you would use that red towel as a cape and go out and act as a matador, then I would come out and act as a bull, and after we've performed a couple of harmless charges and everyone is cheering, we make our escape?

Timon:
No, Pumbaa. I was thinking we'd capture a magic fairy and sprinkle his enchanted flying fairy dust into this towel. That way, we could soar into the heavens.

Pumbaa:
Gee, Timon, that sounds a little far-fetched. I think my idea of what you were thinking of is better.

Pumbaa:
There's no escape, Timon!

Timon:
What are we going to do?

Pumbaa:
Well, you're the brave one. Maybe you should fight him.

Timon:
Me? Fight him? Have you flipped?

Pumbaa:
But earlier today, you said you were three times as brave as El Toro.

Timon:
Well, I thought we were talking about a different El Toro.

Pumbaa:
And then after that, you said you weren't afraid of nobody or nothing. Remember?

Timon:
Did I say that?

Pumbaa:
And then later, after that, you said that you were born brave, and I was just born. And then...

Timon:
All right! I'll save us!

Timon:
And remember... if you're driving home tonight, be sure you take your car. G'night.

Timon:
Pumbaa, there's just one thing that frightens me more than mummy beetles or curses!

Pumbaa:
And what might that be?

Timon:
An angry warthog!

Timon:
Only one person can help take care of you due to your sickness, Pumbaa.

Pumbaa:
My mommy?

Timon:
No, Pumbaa. Me.

Pumbaa:
I feel kinda bad. Maybe we should have left him a note.

Timon:
Oh yeah, something like: "Dear annoying bunny. Ya nearly drove me bonkers. Love and kisses, Timon."

Timon:
Let's see, there's gotta be some way of getting out there.

Pumbaa:
Why don't you use a small open vessel that moves across bodies of water my means of oars, sails or engine?

Timon:
Why mess with all that when I can use a *boat* instead?

Timon:
It's no use we're gonna drown! We're gonna drown!

Pumbaa:
Maybe you should drill a hole and let the water out.

Timon:
[pause] Hey, I know, I'll drill a hole and let the water out. [Timon drills a hole and more water comes into the boat]

Pumbaa:
I don't think that was a very good idea of yours, Timon.

Pumbaa:
Gee, Timon, all this water out here is shallow.

Timon:
I can see that, Pumbaa.

Pumbaa:
And you were going through all that trouble to get across the water.

Timon:
Yes, I know.

Pumbaa:
When you could have walked across all this water easy as pie?

Timon:
Yes, I know.

Pumbaa:
Easy as falling off a log? Easy as spitting? Easy as saying "Jack Robinson"? Easy as 1, 2, 3? Easy as...

Timon:
[shouts] Yes, I know, Pumbaa!

Pumbaa:
Uh... Timon, why didn't we bring any tools? You know, uh, shovels and picks and other things for digging up the gold that we're out here looking for.

Timon:
Pumbaa, let me explain Gold Mining. You simply pick up the gold and say, "This is mine"! Hence the term "Gold Mining".

Pumbaa:
Wow! Wasn't that great how the nice man helped save your life, Timon? Wasn't it? Wasn't it? Wasn't it?

Timon:
Yeah, Pumbaa. Ya know that's just the sorta thing that makes you want to trust a guy.

Pumbaa:
So do you trust him now? Do ya?

Timon:
No.

Pumbaa:
Wow! The nice man saved your life again, Timon. No do you trust him?

Timon:
No.

Pumbaa:
Wow! The nice man saved your life, again, again, Timon! Now do you trust him?

Timon:
No. And the next two words out of your mouth had better not be "But, Timon".

Pumbaa:
Buh... Rrr... Tmph... Wigt... Blurr... Pff... Burlp... But, Timon!

Timon:
Huh, what that? I don't like the looks of the owl. Did you hear that, what was it?

Pumbaa:
The wind.

Timon:
I don't trust it. And I don't trust that tree or that shrub or the ground we're walkin' on.

Timon:
Clearly there must be an easier way of getting out there rather than straping ducks to my feet.

Pumbaa:
Like, say... A boat?

Timon:
Don't interupt, Pumbaa, I'm making a piont. Now, our little duck friends gave me an idea and I'll give you a hint as to what it is. Ahem. What do birds have that you and I do not have?

Pumbaa:
Feathers?

Timon:
Guess again.

Pumbaa:
Beaks?

Timon:
Guess again.

Pumbaa:
Claws?

Timon:
No, Pumbaa, guess once more.

Pumbaa:
Nests?

Timon:
One more guess.

Pumbaa:
Eggs?

Timon:
No.

Pumbaa:
Intelligence?

Timon:
No!

Pumbaa:
Girlfriends?

Timon:
No! Wings!

Pumbaa:
What are we going to do to get in here?

Speedy:
Sing?

Pumbaa:
Yay, I love a happy ending.

Timon:
[sees that he and Pumbaa are mutated together] Ahh!

Pumbaa:
Boo.

Timon:
Crud.

Pumbaa:
I don't wanna to pressure you, Timon, but that darts our last dart and there's no more darts after that dart.

Timon:
Shut up! I know what I'm doing.

Pumbaa:
Timon, does this make me look fat?

Timon:
Yes!

Pumbaa:
You didn't even look!

Guy:
We're gonna turn yous into angels!

Timon:
Let's get outta here, Pumbaa! They're gonna kill us!

Guy:
Smell's Angels!

Timon:
What are you doing?

Pumbaa:
Lunch. Dignitaries do lunch, see.

Pumbaa:
Man, what a fathead. Hey Timon, I bet all his hats were afraid of him.

Pumbaa:
Uh, Timon, You might want to stand back. I'm feeling a... great big belch coming on.

Timon:
Dear Pumbaa. We're about to meet the Empress of Etiquettica. For cryin' out loud, hold it in.

Assistant:
The Empress will see you now.

Timon:
Your highnessness... ness.

Assistant:
Well? You can't greet the Empress without saying something. [Pumbaa shakes his head as he sweats] But you must... or it will be an aweful breach of etiquette. [Pumbaa turns green, he's trying his hardest to hold it. Then blue, purple and... ]

Pumbaa:
BURP!

Timon:
Uh... in our coutry, it is a custom to greet this way. Rude not tude, in fact.

Assistant:
Then why didn't you do it?

Timon:
[gestures "why not?"] BURP!

Empress:
Such strange customs. BURP!

Timon:
Thanks, you're too kind.

Pumbaa:
Ohh. Hey, there's a big hairy, six legged, winged bug-thing in my soup. How'd ya konw what my favorite soup is?

Pumbaa:
Timon, there's something out there.

Timon:
Might be news to you, Pumbaa old buddy, but we live in a jungle. There's always something out there.

Timon:
Now just a minute lady, that's my pal you're talkin' about. You call this handsome fellow, ugly? [Pumbaa smiles] Gee. Okay so he's not Brad Pig, but he ain't exactly ugly. [Pumbaa smiles a bigger smile] Okay, so he's exactly ugly. Next question.

Jean:
Fortunatly, the tiny beast poses no real threat and is easily expunged.

Timon:
It hurts to be expunged.

Timon:
Tell her, Pumbaa.

Pumbaa:
What should I tell her?

Timon:
Anything, Pumbaa.

Pumbaa:
Um... your baby Earl jumped off the edge, fell thousands of feet and landed with a thump sort of sound.

Mother Eagle:
WHAT?

Timon:
Anything but that, Pumbaa!

Mother Eagle:
I warned you what would happen if my baby Earl was scratched, [rolls up the feathers on her right wing like it was a sleeve, underneath is a muscular arm with an anchor tatoo]

Shenzi the Hyena:
I think I've got it!

Banzai the Hyena:
Me too! We can start a band, we can call it "The Monkeys"! [out of nowhere, Shenzi hits him on the head with a giant mallet, flattening his head and he's seeing stars]

Shenzi the Hyena:
No, no. Bark Breath.

Male Ted:
Well, we need proof that the suit's on the lion, so I want you to go back to the lion and...

Timon:
Oh no no no no no, Ted. I don't think we're going anywhere. Since we expected you to ask for proof that the suit was on the lion, [zooms out to see the Lion is standing behind them wearing a purple suit] we brought him here. And he's not very happy.

Lion:
So, you're the annoying little Teds that sent these guys out here bothering me.

Timon:
[the Teds scream as the Lion jumps over the gate and starts destroying their club] You know what, Pumbaa?

Pumbaa:
No, what?

Timon:
From now on, I won't try to get into any club that won't accept me as a member.

Timon:
I have lavaphobia! My skin's really sensitive to molden rocks!

[repeated line]

Timon:
Crud.

Pumbaa:
[Gets angry] Pig?

Timon:
Uh oh.

Pumbaa:
Are you talking about me?

Timon:
He called him a pig.

Pumbaa:
[Angrier] Are you talking about me?

Timon:
Shouldn't have done that.

Pumbaa:
[shouting] ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT ME?

Timon:
Now you are in for it.

Pumbaa:
THEY CALL ME... MISTER PIG! [Pumbaa goes berserk and knocks the cheetahs into a tree]

Timon:
Pumbaa, we're trapped in a crate!

Pumbaa:
Well, that's one way to say it, Timon. Another way would be to say, "We're contaminated in a receptical or wooden slacks."

Pumbaa:
Gee, if there's one thing that makes an animal impossible to eat, it's the ability to speak.

Timon:
Poppycock!

Speedy the Snail:
Hold your horses now, kid. I can sing too. [sings] Shooby-dooby-doo!

Timon:
Oh, crud! Now we definitely can't eat him!

Timon:
I got it! We'll call you Speedy! Speedy the Snail! How do you like that juxtaposition? Giving a snail, a noticeably slow creature, the name, Speedy, huh?

Pumbaa:
Uh, Timon? I just thought of something. What if someone else tries to eat him?

Timon:
Like who? We're in a box! It's not like we're in France where snails are considered a delicacy.

Culinary Quint:
[opens up the box] Exclamacion! C'est le snail with the gumdrop eyes and a curly-cue shell! Tres delicious!

Timon:
Oh, no-no-no-no-no! He is with us!

Culinary Quint:
How dare you oppose moi, Culinary Quint, le most circular and roboscular, full-bodied shape in all of Toute-la-France!

Pumbaa:
Where are we?

Timon:
We're in France, where snails are considered a delicacy.

Pumbaa:
Hey, look! It's Jerry Lewis!

Culinary Quint:
Pshaw! Just because Culinary Quint is French doesn't mean he loves Jerry Lewis!

Pumbaa:
Sharp objects!

Pumbaa:
Hey, look! You're the Timonalisa! [laughs]

Timon:
I want a snail! Raw! And by that, I mean uncooked, meaning still alive!

Culinary Quint:
You want a snail raw? Uncooked? Still alive?

Timon:
Yes. With cute little gumdrop eyes and a swirly, curly-cue shell.

Pumbaa:
And his name is Speedy!

[Timon pounds Pumbaa in the coat]

Pumbaa:
Oww! Uh, I mean his name isn't Speedy!

[Timon kicks Pumbaa a few times]

Pumbaa:
I mean, I didn't say anything.

[Quint gives Timon an evil glare]

Timon:
[nervously] I am a human.

[Quint kicks Timon & Pumbaa out again]

Timon:
Hey! You're the Pumbaa de Milo!

Pumbaa:
[laughs]

Timon:
This is no time for comedy, Pumbaa! Our bestest new pal, Speedy, is still in life-threatening danger!

Speedy the Snail:
Hidley-hidley-HEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLP!

['How to Beat the High Costa Rica' Timon and Pumbaa are trapped by Criminal Quint]

Pumbaa:
He's gonna hurt us! Timon, ou gotta do something!

Timon:
[sarcastically] What do you want me to do, dress in drag and do the hula?

[Timon curtly does the hula]

Pumbaa:
[lowly] I don't think that would work on this kind of situation.

['How to Beat the High Costa Rica'] [last lines]

Pumbaa:
[suspiciously, about Timon paying for the stuff on the beach] Are you sure you did the right thing and returned the money, Timon?

Timon:
Of course I did, Pumbaa. That's why they gave me such a big reward.

Pumbaa:
[worried] But this looks like exactly $1,290,000 worth of stuff.

Timon:
Isn't it ironic? That was the exact amount of the reward!

[a police siren is heard]

Timon:
Uh-oh!

[from 'Puttin' on the Brits']

Baby Fox:
Rats, outfoxed by a hound again!

Timon:
[furiously, picks the fox up by the scruff] Wait just a minute! You mean to tell me that this was just a stupid game of tag?!

[the fox smiles and quickly nods]

['Guatemala Malarkey'] [last lines]

Timon:
[as Pumbaa gets angry at Timon for not finding gold] Pumbaa, there's just one thing that frightens me more than mummy beetles and curses.

Pumbaa:
[angry] And what is that?

Timon:
[loses it] An angry warthog!

[Timon screams as the screen goes black]

['Pain in Spain' at the bull stadium]

Timon:
[confused at two Pumbaas] Pumbaa, if you're Pumbaa, then what Pumbaa is that Pumbaa?

Pumbaa:
El Toro!

[Timon and Pumbaa both scream as El Toro runs after them]