Top Gear

Richard Hammond:
I am not moonlighting as the editor of a gay magazine!

Richard Hammond:
I have not had my teeth whitened!

Richard Hammond:
[talking about the Ford GT] How much time have you spent in petrol stations on the way here?

Jeremy Clarkson:
Look, the fact of the matter is, Richard, I prefer to spend my money on petrol than on teeth whitening.

Richard Hammond:
I have not had my teeth whitened!

Jeremy Clarkson:
[announcing the Top Gear 2005 Awards in December 2005] Now the best gas guzzler of the year. And the nominations are: the Range Rover Sport which achieved eight miles to the gallon; the Bugatti Veyron which achieved four miles to the gallon; and Hemel Hempstead. That actually used up 60 million gallons of fuel and didn't move an inch.

[referring to the then-recent gas explosion in Hertfordshire]

Jeremy Clarkson:
For me, the best supercar is the Ford GT. I like it so much, I actually bought this one twice.

Richard Hammond:
You bought it twice because it kept breaking down and you sent it back!

Jeremy Clarkson:
That Zonda, really! It's like a lion in orange dungarees. Kind of fierce, but ridiculous all at the same time.

Jeremy Clarkson:
So, the BMW M6. How would it stack up to the Aston I drove earlier? There is a lot to not like about the BMW. The grotesque carbon-fibre dashboard, the enormous steering wheel and the fact that this one is the colour of a vet's forearm.

Jeremy Clarkson:
[while watching Terry Wogan do his lap] I've never been so bored in my life!

Jeremy Clarkson:
[while driving McClaren SLR into the Eurotunnel train] I wonder what's the fastest anyone's ever driven inside the Eurotunnel.

Jeremy Clarkson:
[Drives faster] NO. No no no. Grow up.

Jeremy Clarkson:
[When driving the McLaren Mercedes SLR through a tunnel] When they debate as to what the sound of the SLR engine was akin to, the British engineers from McLaren said it sounded like a Spitfire. But the German engineers from Mercedes said "Nein! Nein! Sounds like a Messerschmitt!" They were both wrong. It sounds like the God of Thunder, gargling with nails.

Jeremy Clarkson:
[on the Corvette Z06]... as something to live with every day, I'd rather have bird flu.

Jeremy Clarkson:
[while playing the video game Gran Turismo] Aston Martin DB9, that's not a racecar, that's pornography.

[repeated line, usually spoken before an experiment that goes spectacularly wrong]

Jeremy Clarkson:
How hard can it be?

James May:
What's the point. You can't powerslide lorries anyway.

Richard Hammond:
Technically, you can't powerslide anything.

Richard Hammond:
Now, earlier the three of us have use our extensive knowledge of lorrying to buy HGVs and it wasn't going well. Especially for Jeremy, who ended up with a gear lever in his bottom and his truck on fire.

Richard Hammond:
[announcing the Top Gear 2008 Awards in December 2008] Right, this is the award for the best noise we've heard all year. These are the nominations. The V8 bellow of the new Mercedes CLK Black, The V8 bellow of the Ferrari Scuderia and the V8 bellow of the Alfa Romeo 8C. Well, the winner of this category. The winner, you are gonna love this, Jeremy.

Jeremy Clarkson:
Is it the Black?

Richard Hammond:
No. Actually, the winner is, Will Young's new single!

[Will Young's new single played]

Richard Hammond:
[announcing the nominees for the Weirdest Renault] Ok, Weirdest Renault of the year. The nominees are as follows: The Velsatis. It's a businessman's car, but only if your business is Enron. The Megane, a family car, but only if your family is the Osbournes. And the Avantime, it is a sporty coupe but only if you don't want a car of that sporty or a coupe.

James May:
[while driving a Bugatti Veyron over 240 mph] It's no wonder Michael Schumacher retired. He's slower than me!

Richard Hammond:
[referring to the failed Reliant Robin shuttle launch] To be fair, it was only one bolt that let us down.

Jeremy Clarkson:
It was only one iceberg that sank the Titanic!

Richard Hammond:
[Talking about the Ford GT's poor fuel economy and the fact that Jeremy is getting one] And actually, 17 and a half gallon tank. 4... 4 miles to the gallon, how far does that mean you will be able to go in your car before you ran out of petrol?

Jeremy Clarkson:
75 miles.

Richard Hammond:
75 miles?

Jeremy Clarkson:
Yeah.

Richard Hammond:
Well, how far then do you live, for instance, from the Top Gear office?

Jeremy Clarkson:
76 miles.

Jeremy Clarkson:
[Inside Hammond's CamperBoat] This is actually quite cosy.

Richard Hammond:
Oh yeah, has all the comforts of a houseboat.

Jeremy Clarkson:
[pair start reading magazines] Did you see the titles of these?

Richard Hammond:
No... well i went for those that have a houseboat feel to them.

Jeremy Clarkson:
[Shows Hammond the title of the mag he picked up "Gay Times"] So why this then?

[repeated line when a problem becomes persistent]

Jeremy Clarkson:
Oh, for God's sake!

Jeremy Clarkson:
Anyway, first award is injury of the year. The nominations are Richard in our "headhammer thrust i-eagle geoff".

[Show a scene where the boys do a crash test on their own electric car which was built by themselves]

James May:
Jeremy making paintball art.

[a scene where Jeremy is being shot at his balls by a paintball which was being fired from the exhaust of an F1 car]

Richard Hammond:
And James on a gang plank in Bolivia.

[a scene where James trip on a plank hurting his balls as he was walking on the plank that leads to the boat]

Richard Hammond:
[when test driving a Bowler Wildcat] I am a driving god!

Jeremy Clarkson:
[about Ferrari Enzo] I rang up Jay Kay, who's got one, and said, "You know, can we borrow yours?" and he said, "Yeah, if I can borrow your daughter, because it amounts to the same thing."

Jeremy Clarkson:
[about Ferrari Enzo] Ferrari is so pleased with it, they've named it after the founder of the company. They call it the Enzo. That'd be the same as Lotus calling their next car... "The Colin".

Jeremy Clarkson:
[about Porsche Carrera GT] I'm speaking to you now from inside one of the Venturi tunnels!

Jeremy Clarkson:
[about Ford GT40] Was this the greatest hypercar of them all ? Well, that's a question I've never really been able to answer, because the GT40 is 40 inches tall... and I'm not.

James May:
[about Honda S2000] He's not sure whether he's driving, or in a branch of Dixons.

Jeremy Clarkson:
[about TVR Tuscan 2] It's supposed to be easier to live with, and easier to drive... so has it worked?

[whilst driving]

Jeremy Clarkson:
Ohh... Oh, my God. No... no... no, no, no. No. No. No, it hasn't.

Jeremy Clarkson:
[about TVR Tuscan 2] I'm a horse of a man!

Jeremy Clarkson:
[about TVR Tuscan 2] You see, my wife loves this car. She loves the noise and the vibrations and the sense of danger and the way that when you over-rev it, the whole dash lights up like a baboon's backside. Richard Hammond on the other hand, he pretty much hates it. He says its too difficult and too complicated and that all the stitching in here looks like the kind of stitching you find when someone's tried to mend their own shoes.

Jeremy Clarkson:
[when talking with Davina McCall about her car] It's pouring down with rain because not enough people have Range Rovers.

Richard Hammond:
[discussing Sabine's Schmitz drive round Nurburgring] Don't forget, she was only half a second a mile behind you, and she was in this van.

Jeremy Clarkson:
I think we should explain. The Nurburgring, as I'm sure some of you know, is sort of open the whole time. You can pay five pounds to go on a lap, so there were other cars out there as well.

Richard Hammond:
It was just an ordinary day, and you saw them. There were guys in their Porsches, "Look at me in my Porsche, ha ha!" and they were overtaken by a van. Driven by a girl!

Jeremy Clarkson:
[peering into the engine bay on the Lotus Exige] To get an idea of just how spartan this thing is, you just have to look through the rear window. Back there you've got chicken wire, bakofoil and tupperware. It's kind of like peering into one of your grannies' old kitchen cabinets.

Jeremy Clarkson:
Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really work. It's like making a hard core adult film, and then editing it so that it can be shown in British hotels. You'd just end up with a sort of half hour close up of some bloke's sweaty face.

Jeremy Clarkson:
We start tonight with the highlight of my childhood. It's the Ladybird Book of Motorcars from 1963, and as you would imagine it's full of rubbish really. Just endless boring grey shapes, until you get to page 40, where you find the Maserati 3500 GT. Now this for me, when I was little, was like kind of Jordan and Cameron Diaz. In a bath together. With a Lightning jet fighter. And lots of jelly.

Jeremy Clarkson:
If this were America, it would be full of people doing... whatever it is they do. Incest, mostly, I think.

Trevor Eve:
[pointing away from the studio] Outside in the car park, owned by Jeremy, is a Mercades SKL shopping trolley!

James May:
[looking through the survey results] I've just noticed, looking though these results, that ten of the thirteen bottom cars are French.

Jeremy Clarkson:
That's possibly why they're burning them in Paris at the moment!

James May:
I think they're just catching fire by themselves!

Richard Hammond:
[after the sport coupe on the Isle of Man item] Don't say anything! Do not say a word - you lost!

Jeremy Clarkson:
[about Porsche Cayman S] There are many things I'd rather be doing than driving it, including waiting for Bernard Manning to come off stage in a sweaty nightclub, and then licking his back clean.

James May:
What's the Norwegian for "Oh, cock"?

Jeremy Clarkson:
[repeated pattern of introducing the Power Lap segment] Now it is time to see how fast this car goes round our track, and that, of course, means handing it over to our tame racing driver. Some say that [absurd fact #1] . Or that [absurd fact #2] . All we know is, he's called The Stig.

[after Richard and James just tested the "Cottage S-Class", a Mercedes S-Class Jeremy has modified to look like the inside of his house including a concrete floor with wood paneling, and indoor chairs]

Jeremy Clarkson:
This is the safest car in the world.

Richard Hammond:
I've got a scar!

James May:
I've got bruised ribs and a badly barked shin!

Jeremy Clarkson:
Listen. You see these endless crash test footage of cars being thumped into concrete blocks and the concrete blocks are never damaged. This is a concrete block!

James May:
I would very happily drive this into a concrete block. Turning around on some corners was really dangerous!

Richard Hammond:
And another thing. Why did you polish the wooden floor? I was all woo - [imitates sliding action]

Jeremy Clarkson:
Look! The brilliance of this car is that you're never going fast enough to properly hurt yourself!

Richard Hammond:
You're never going fast enough to get where you're going!

James May:
Yeah, zero to sixty in, what was it, forty-five seconds.

Jeremy Clarkson:
How safe is that?

Richard Hammond:
Have you ever been in a dining room going sixty miles an hour?

James May:
Do you want me to show what it feels like to get hit in the back of the head with a wingback chair?

Jeremy Clarkson:
Look! The problem is taste, okay. [points to Richard] If we built a car to look like the inside of your house, it would have a horse in it! [points to James] And you. Your house is just full of pictures of the Queen.

[Repeated line - end of episode]

Jeremy Clarkson:
On that bombshell it's time to end.

[repeated line]

James May:
Bloody Nora!

Himself - Presenter:
[introducing The Stig] Some say his scrotum has its own gravity field. And that due to the producers rigging a phone-in poll, he now has a new name. All we know is... he's called Cuddles.

James May:
[Announcing the nominations for the Top Gear Life Time Achievement Award] Ken Livingstone, for deciding that if you earn a living and pay tax, and spend some of what's left on a car, and then pay Value Added Tax on that, and then buy some Road Fund License Tax to put the car on road, and then pay Fuel Duty Tax on the fuel, and Value Added Tax on that Fuel Duty Tax, you should then pay ?25 - TAX - to drive into the centre of the Capital.

Himself - Presenter:
Bus lanes. Great, cos I can use them. The other thing that uses them? Buses.

Himself - Presenter:
[on phone to Hammond during the London race. Hammond is on a bicycle while May is in a car] I'm just coming up to the Albert Hall. Where are you?

Himself - Presenter:
You're just behind me. I'm stuck at the lights, again!

Himself - Presenter:
Oh right. I'll give you a friendly peep as I go past.

Himself - Presenter:
You do and I'll kick the crap out of your car!

Himself - Presenter:
This is my motorhome, a Ford, um, Midas. Nice. Now, let's meet my competition and their mobile motorsport racing living quarters.

[We see the other drivers showing up]

Himself - Presenter:
In the Mitsubishi L300, we've got touring car star Matt Neal.

[We see Matt Neal driving the Mitsubishi]

Himself - Presenter:
In the Toyota LiteAce, we've got touring car star Anthony Reid.

[We see Anthony Reid driving the Toyota]

Himself - Presenter:
In the Chevrolet, we've got touring car star Tom Chilton.

[We see Tom Chilton driving the Chevrolet]

Himself - Presenter:
In the left-hand drive Fiat Ducato MV75 Globetrotter, we've got touring car star Mat Jackson.

[We see Mat Jackson driving the Fiat]

Himself - Presenter:
And in the Transit, we got desperate.

[We see James May driving the Transit]

Himself - Presenter:
Now the point of this sport is that you should be able to drive your motorhome home again. So, the rules are simple. Fifteen laps and no body contact.

[the drivers ram each other with abandon]

Himself - Presenter:
Mind you, we have invited touring car drivers.

Himself - Presenter:
Luckily, my structure was still holding.

[Richard gets rammed again and his structure collapses]

Himself - Presenter:
No, it wasn't.

Himself - Presenter:
And he's bought a piece of cheese.

Himself - Presenter:
Are you the sort of person who knocks the monopoly board?

Jennifer Saunders:
No, but I will negotiate winning before I begin to play.

Jennifer Saunders:
I'm a very, very competitive person. I've always thought I'm better at home thinking I can do it better rather than coming here and proving I can't do it better.

Himself - Presenter:
[Driving a De Dion Bouton] How would I get it into top gear?

Himself - Presenter:
[Reading a Manuel for the car literally translated from French to English] For taking the second speed rapidly at the crowbar forward without brutality. When it is raised up again, it gave all it's strength!

Jeremy:
The sound of the 20th Century - I love it!

Jeremy:
No, It's not a repeat, you're not watching Dave!

[Jeremy has been driving a Prius in order to compare it's MPG to that of a BMW M3]

Jeremy:
It was one of the dullest drives of my life, but in the interest of science, I stuck with it.

Justin Lee Collins:
[doing his Star In A Reasonably Priced Car lap] I'm off road, I'm off road, I'm back on road, I've just killed a rabbit!

Justin Lee Collins:
[describing James] He's got long hair and he's from Bristol - how can you go wrong?

[Jeremy has revealed Justin's lap time puts him just ahead of Helen Mirran]

Justin Lee Collins:
That's as close to Helen Mirran as I'm going to get!

Jeremy:
[Claiming extra points for flamboyant driving] I did a J turn!

Richard:
You put Vasaline on the lens - we couldn't see it, you fool!

Alan Carr:
[Watching his lap] I look like Olive from On the Buses!

Richard Hammond:
[in French] I'll be in the car with rabbits in my pants and I'm the big mushroom today!

Himself - Presenter:
[on Wayne Rooney's Austin Martin] It was crashed by a plank who looks like Shrek!

[Richard and James are in the pit area]

Himself - Presenter:
I wonder how Jeremy's doing.

Himself - Presenter:
Why don't you just ask him?

Himself - Presenter:
[into walkie-talkie] Jeremy, how are you doing out there?

Himself - Presenter:
[over walkie-talkie] Not brilliantly.

[We see that Jeremy has flipped his car onto its side]

Himself - Presenter:
Now, the way the Japanese build cars...

[the GPS rattles off a long series of directions in Japanese]

Himself - Presenter:
Help!

Himself - Presenter:
Um. We've lost the hunt.

[Jeremy's Daihatsu gets stuck in a ditch with the dogs rapidly closing in]

Himself - Presenter:
That is it. Goodbye. Goodbye, children. Take care of your mother.

[We see Jeremy get swarmed by the dogs before cutting back to the studio]

Himself - Presenter:
Sadly, in the making of that film, Jeremy was eaten by the dogs.

Himself - Presenter:
We'll see you next week.

[the fox hunt ends with Jeremy getting stuck in a ditch]

Himself - Presenter:
That is it. Goodbye. Goodbye, children. Take care of your mother.

[We see Jeremy get swarmed by the dogs before cutting back to the studio]

Himself - Presenter:
Sadly, in the making of that film, Jeremy was eaten by the dogs.

Himself - Presenter:
We'll see you next week.

James May:
[to Jeremy Clarkson] I was thinking of you there corporal

Jeremy Clarkson:
He's eaten it. He's eaten the picture.

James May:
Hamsters eat cardboard.

Himself - Presenter:
If Richard Hammond crashes into James' car, Bruce Willis will come in a US army gun ship and we shall all be killed.

Himself - Presenter:
Is this real carbon fibre?

Himself - Presenter:
No.

Himself - Presenter:
Are these real ram air scoops?

Himself - Presenter:
No.

Himself - Presenter:
I'm sorry Richard, it's a joke car.

Himself - Presenter:
[in Utah, Jeremy and Richard are having an "11s" challenge - James has to be look out] What if someone sees us?

Himself - Presenter:
[looks up and down the straight road - not a car in sight] I don't think they will.

Himself - Presenter:
Of course, Hammond was oblivious to all this because deep down, he is a secret American.

Himself - Presenter:
I'm feeling cooler already. I'm chewing gum and everything.

[the show's theme song "coincidentally" plays over the radio]

Himself - Presenter:
Wasn't expecting to hear that!

Himself - Presenter:
On today's show...

Himself - Presenter:
And now to see how fast it goes around our track and for that, we hand it over to our tame racing driver. Some say that one of this legs gets longer whenever he sees a beautiful woman... and that it's been so long since I've done one of these, I've forgotten to come up with a second thing. All we know is... he's called The Stig.

[Jeremy runs James off the road during a race]

Himself - Presenter:
[apparently shocked] Oh no. It appears I've just killed James May. [nonchalantly] Anyway...

Himself - Presenter:
And now it's time to see how it does on our track and for that, we hand it over to our tame racing driver. Some say that one of his legs gets longer whenever he sees a beautiful woman and that it's been so long since I've done one of these, I've forgotten to come up with a second thing. All we know... is that he's called "The Stig".

[Jeremy runs James off the road during a race]

Himself - Presenter:
[guiltily] Oh no. It appears I've just killed James May. [pause] Anyway...

Royal Marine soldier:
Are we nearly there yet?

Himself - Presenter:
Come on... the kids are being annoying. Shoot them.

[the hosts read angry letters attacking them for burning a Morris Marina the previous week]

Himself - Presenter:
Can I just say that, joking aside, we don't like to offend anyone and we promise not to destroy another Morris Marina for as long as we're on the air. In fact, we've gone one better than that and just this week, we've gone out and bought another Marina, okay. And it's a bit nice. Low mileage, leather seats. No, leather seats. We've brought it down. Here it is.

[the monitor turns on, displaying a Morris Marina on the test track]

Himself - Presenter:
This is a live feed from our track. And that is going to be preserved as an example of...

[a piano falls on the Marina]

[Richard rides a motorcycle he used to admire]

Himself - Presenter:
I am now straddling my boyhood idol. Wait, that's not right.

[opening narration]

Himself - Presenter:
Tonight, I wear some goggles, Richard falls down a small slope, and James says "Hello" to a man.

Himself - Presenter:
[to a man] Hello, mate.

Himself - Presenter:
This is what springs to mind when we think about Romania. Not that we do very often.

Himself - Presenter:
[on the Transfagarasan] We were wrong! This is better than the Stelvio. This is the best road in the world!

[opening narration]

Himself - Presenter:
Tonight, James drives a milk float, Richard learns how to say "Look out" backwards...

Himself - Presenter:
Tuo kool!

Himself - Presenter:
...and I cut myself on some aluminum.

James:
You have, if my eyes are not deceiving me, a Range Rover.

Jeremy:
The best 4x4, by far. As we know it.

James:
[snorts] I've had one of those.

Richard:
Yeah, classic. I had one as well.

James:
Oh.

Richard:
Did yours ever... work?

James:
No.

Richard:
It's a phobia. I've just...

James:
What's yours?

Jeremy:
Phobia?

James:
Yeah.

Jeremy:
Manual labor. You know that.

[the boys are about to drive the infamous Death Road. James is afraid of heights]

James:
You know that, "you drive into the back of my car and it's very funny" joke?

Jeremy:
Oh, you want me to drive into the back of you?

James:
No. I'll cut your *beep* head off. You will need a beep there, BBC2.

[Later, Jeremy accidentally runs into the back of James's car. James approaches Jeremy while carrying a very large machete]

James:
I was perfectly *beep* straight with you about this, and now you're going to get machete'd to death!

Richard:
James is killing Jeremy. Things are going well!

Jeremy Clarkson:
[opens up the hood to see orange gunk all over the engine] Holy moly! What terrible thing has happened here? It actually has diarrhea is what happened here!

Jeremy Clarkson:
[opens up the hood to see orange gunk all over the engine] Holy moly! What terrible thing has happened here? It actually had diarrhea is what happened here!

[opening narration]

Jeremy Clarkson:
Tonight, I wear a hat, Richard wears a hat, and James wears a hat.

Cameron Diaz:
[During her lap run] F*** the English gears.

[opening narration]

Himself - Presenter:
Tonight, Cameron Diaz is in our reasonably priced car. Repeat: Cameron Diaz is in our reasonably priced car! And she brought Tom Cruise with her.

Brian Johnson:
[during his acceptance speech] Thanks very much for this wonderful honour, and for this fabulous... trophy... [chuckles] Must have spent a fortune on this! [points at trophy] My name's "Brian", not "Brain". [camera zooms in on trophy to show that the trophy reads "Brain Johnson"] What's that hockey player doing on top of this? [camera shows the hockey player on top of the trophy] Ah, never mind.

Himself - Presenter:
[after James May has been kicked in the crotch by the Attack Stig] In the plums!

Himself - Presenter:
[Jeremy Clarkson's car overheats and gets stuck in a river bank in North Yorkshire] I hate working on Top Gear!

Himself - Presenter:
[Jeremy Clarkson crashes into a tree] I've gone in a tree! A tree is happening!

Himself - Presenter:
[Jeremy Clarkson's car and trailer jack-knife] It's hopeless! I've crashed into myself!

Himself - Presenter:
[stops his car at the destination] Ladies and gentlemen, your speaker for this evening will not be Richard Hammond because he won the race. [gets out of the car, and promptly gets back in] Wrong place.

Himself - Presenter:
[Richard Hammond giving the after-dinner speech to the North Yorkshire Carbon Management & Sustainability Trust] Um, I'm actually wearing quite a lot of the environment this evening. [gestures to his muddy clothes]

Himself - Presenter:
[James May discusses SUV's] What they are selling you is a lifestyle. You buy one of these, pretty soon you'll be doing windsurfing, hot-air ballooning, paintballing, nudism... lots of other rugged, healthy, outdoors-y stuff.

Himself - Presenter:
[Richard Hammond discusses the plan] They said we were going to spend a few days living the classic car experience: English country lanes, warm brown beer, and lots of fellow enthusiasts to talk to. Basically, Jeremy's idea of hell.

Himself - Presenter:
[James May recovers from his second stall of the day] The Peugeot is getting better. It's responding to sympathetic treatment. That's the thing you have to remember about old machinery: you have to form a bond with it. [engine sputters] Oh, Bollocks! Don't stop! [engine stops]

Himself - Presenter:
When did you get your first Datsun?

Sanjeev Bhaskar:
I've had two.

Sanjeev Bhaskar:
Mr Hussain's son was my nemesis. I was watching Top Cat one day and my dad came in and switched off the TV and said "Mr Hussain's son has just taken the engine out of their cortina, polished it, taken it apart, polished it and put it back" and I said "yeah, I've just missed the end of Top Cat".

Sanjeev Bhaskar:
In India, no-one uses headlights or very few people use their headlights because, you know, you wear them out. Just have to buy another one.

Sanjeev Bhaskar:
I told my cousin "I don't know if that's a scooter or a truck with one failed headlight" and he thought for a minute and said "or two scooters transporting a wardrobe".

Sanjeev Bhaskar:
Indian parents, traditional Indian parents, are the only ones who would watch The Fast and The Furious and say "if you became an accountant, you should get a car like that".

Himself - Presenter:
[reading warning label] This is an open vehicle. Drive carefully. [Thinks about it] No.

[Jeremy drives across a pond in his amphibious ATV]

Himself - Presenter:
You know, I would give a year's salary to watch him sink.

[Jeremy is ejected from a hovercraft]

Himself - Presenter:
I've been killed! I've been killed!

[We see a caption reading "J. Clarkson 1935-2005"]

Jeremy Clarkson:
When they debate as to what the sound of the SLK engine was akin to, the British engineers from McLaren said it sounded like a spitfire. But the German engineers from Mercedes said "Nein! Nein! Sounds like a Messerschmitt!" They were both wrong. It sounds like the God of Thunder, gargling with nails.

Richard Hammond:
You see, my car has a secret. It has a subframe which keeps the wheels on and the engine in and keeps it attached the body. And it's made of rust.

Richard Hammond:
That car really is...

Jeremy Clarkson:
Why won't you rev?

Richard Hammond:
an appalling heap of junk.

Himself - Presenter:
To see if it's worth it, I'm going to test this ginormous city car on the streets of Liverpool. And to spur me on a bit, I'm going to have a race and it's against the latest French development in urban transport solutions: a couple of young men in silly trousers.

Himself - Presenter:
I should probably explain that these aren't just any young men. They are masters of something called Parkour.

[One of the Parkour masters runs in front of his car and makes him stop. The other vaults over the hood]

Himself - Presenter:
It's a French invention and involves that sort of thing. Running around the city, leaping across buildings and benches. You know, keeps them off the street.

Himself - Presenter:
[narrating] Not only were the scow Spidermen unstoppable, they also knew where they were going. Which I didn't.

[James stops to ask for directions]

Himself - Presenter:
Excuse me, sir. Do you know where the Liver Building is?

man:
No, no. LIE-ver Building.

Himself - Presenter:
Why isn't it called LIE-verpool then?

man:
Well... um...

[James finally arrives at the Liver Building]

Himself - Presenter:
And they're not here. They are not here. No sign of combat trousers about. That is a victory for beer guts over washboard stomachs, fashionable clothes from army surplus shops, stupid expensive trousers. Here I am in my tatty jeans and my old biff about shoes with the broken laces and I've won.

[We see that the Parkour masters have scaled the tower]

Himself - Presenter:
Oh, for Pete's sake!

Richard Hammond:
[referring to the fire in the top gear storage barn] Who'd do a thing like that? It's not as though we've ever upset anyone.

Jeremy Clarkson:
The new highway code's come out and it advises you don't smoke behind the wheel. Why? Us three all smoke, ok? It's nothing to be proud of, we all do and we don't crash, well two of us don't.

Richard Hammond:
It's mid-engine, so dynamically I'm already ahead.

Himself - Presenter:
What have you done with that sign?

Jeremy Clarkson:
Top Gear Furriers?

Himself - Presenter:
Couriers!

Richard Hammond:
About to cross the line and I'm doing nearly 60!

Jeremy Clarkson:
Second. Average.

Himself - Presenter:
It's measuring 13.9 millimetres which is a vast, yawning chasm.

Jeremy Clarkson:
You could park a bus in that gap, Hammond.

Richard Hammond:
It just says "I've given up, give me my Volvo".

Jeremy Clarkson:
You're wearing Volvo shoes!

[Jeremy drives through Katrina-devastated New Orleans]

Himself - Presenter:
How can America sleep at night knowing this is here?

Himself - Presenter:
And so, we have learned two things. One: you can buy instead of renting. And two: don't go to America.

[the Reliant Orbiter film has ended whith a shot of the 'craft' exploding after crashing to earth while still attached to the fuel tank]

Richard Hammond:
It *was* only one bolt that failed.

Jeremy Clarkson:
It was only *one* iceberg that sank the Titanic!

Simon Pegg:
I've got a bunch of weapons. I pack heat.

Richard Hammond:
Did you come on the bus?

James May:
No, I'm in my car.

Jeremy Clarkson:
Did it break down?

James May:
No, I just had to stop and fill it up with electricity.

Richard Hammond:
My speedo's a bit... optimistic. I was stuck behind a tractor earlier which was going at 50 according to this.

James May:
No it's not a kit car. It's a Lamborghini. Philistine.

James May:
[Could be referring to manhood] 'As you can imagine mine is much bigger than Richards'

Jeremy Clarkson:
'Unlike James' mine is white'

James May:
[Talking about the vehicles they bought] 'As you can imagine mine is much bigger than Richards'

Jeremy Clarkson:
'Unlike James' mine is white'

Himself - Presenter:
Can I just say? Hammond's walking round his car, muttering to himself about how he needs all of it.

Himself - Presenter:
I know what he's doing. He's developed an emotional attachment to the car. It'd be like asking him to cut bits off his wife.

Himself - Presenter:
I suppose I'd better practice my lion drill. Oh no, here comes a lion. What do I- [closes car door] . There we go. Oliver will protect me.

David Cameron:
Stay away from India.

Himself - Presenter:
Monkey! Monkey, monkey with *massive* testicles!

Himself - Presenter:
[At the manger in Bethlehem] We are three wise men. We have travelled far from the East and bring presents of Gold, shampoo and an electronic toy [produces Nintendo DS]

Himself - Presenter:
[Jeremy drives past a sign] Map of the Falkland Islands with "Argentina's forever". That is a straight face I'm pulling right now. Straight. I will not spark fury on this trip. This is the new me, the smart me, the clever me.

[Jeremy comments on a mysterious yellow 2CV that has been following them]

Himself - Presenter:
I hate the 2CV. I absolutely loathe it. I got a job on the original Top Gear as a result of a screen test I did on the 2CV, but all I did was rant and rave for 20 minutes about how awful it was, and I could have gone on for a fortnight.

Himself - Presenter:
[Richard shows Jeremy a map with a better route to Tierra del Fuego] I don't do this very often but I'm going to take charge. Let's go back to Argentina, pick up the good road. We've been to Argentina, the roads are good. We'll find a way across the Andes that we can survive, and then we can head south, all of us together, we stand a chance of arriving as a team.

Himself - Presenter:
[Jeremy throws up his hands in resignation and replies] Well don't come crying to me if it goes wrong.

RIchard Hammond:
Oh my god. Things you want in your carburetor: fuel, air, and that's it. You don't want rocks

James May:
[speaking to the camera] Sorry for being boring, viewers, and having a car that works perfectly.

Jeremy Clarkson:
Right, here's the situation: We're holed up in this room - I don't know whose it is but it isn't ours. Uh, there's a gang - nationalists, whatever - believe that the Falklands are Argentinian, they don't like the British, and they're in the hotel. We're stuck in here and we don't know what's going on.

[first lines]

Jeremy Clarkson:
Hello and welcome to the second part of the Top Gear Christmas special: the part where it all goes wrong.

Richard Hammond:
As you probably saw in the first programme, we were doing an homage to the V8, driving all the way across Patagonia, from the town of Bariloche, here, on our way to the town of Ushuaia in Tierra del Fuego.

James May:
Now Ushuaia is the city from which the battleship Belgrano sailed on its final voyage at the beginning of the Falklands War. And as a result of that, the British are not... overly popular down there.

Richard Hammond:
In a bid to build bridges we were planning to build a stadium when we got there and play an Argentinian team at car football.

Jeremy Clarkson:
However there was a problem. Someone on an Argentinian website noticed that the car I was driving sported the number plate H982FKL and they wondered if perhaps this was a reference to the 1982 Falklands War. Now we've been made aware of the issue shortly after we arrived in Argentina, but there was nothing really we could do, I mean you can't just change a car's number plates. We did, however, develop a plan that would solve the issue when we arrived in Ushuaia. Unfortunately, as you will see at the end of what follows, we were never given the chance.

Jeremy Clarkson:
[Jeremy tries to lift the large trophy out of the car so Richard can carry it] Right, Hammond. I've got it. [he and Hammond struggle with it] Right, go. Just walk away.

Richard Hammond:
Out the door?

Jeremy Clarkson:
Just walk away.

Richard Hammond:
Can I turn around now?

Jeremy Clarkson:
'Cause you're not welcome anymore.

Richard Hammond:
Okay.

Jeremy Clarkson:
I should have changed that stupid lock, should have thrown away the key. If 'I'd have known for one second...

Richard Hammond:
Yes, the lyrics go on, we know that!

[Jeremy and James drive through the frozen tundra]

Himself - Presenter:
I spy with my little eye something beginning with... S.

Himself - Presenter:
Is it snow?

Himself - Presenter:
Yes.

Himself - Presenter:
I spy with my little eye something beginning with... S.

Himself - Presenter:
Is it sky?

Himself - Presenter:
Yes.

Himself - Presenter:
I spy with my little eye...

Himself - Presenter:
If you say something that begins with "S", I will kill you.

[Jeremy has accidentally destroyed a shed that James spent hours building and rebuilding]

Himself - Presenter:
LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO MY BLOODY SHED, MAN!

Himself - Presenter:
I had this bomb... and it - uh, eh, it, that'll buff out!

Himself - Presenter:
[long pause] What time is this program on? Is it ten o'clock?

Himself - Presenter:
Yeah...

Himself - Presenter:
Is it ten o'clock on BBC2?

Himself - Presenter:
Yes.

Himself - Presenter:
Are we beyond the watershed?

Himself - Presenter:
Yes.

Himself - Presenter:
You're a fu...

[sudden cutaway to a new scene with Richard Hammond]

Richard Hammond:
We are at the cutting edge of cocking about.

Richard Hammond:
More news from Korea! Do you know a new high-end Hyundai Coupe?

Jeremy Clarkson:
Yes.

Richard Hammond :
Well, there is a new one coming. Look. That looks brilliant.

Jeremy Clarkson:
You know, the trouble with the Hyundai Coupe is that it always looks quite good, but it is sort of quite nice to drive and it is front-wheel drive and a bit sort of half-*rse as a result.

Richard Hammond:
Well, this time though they are talking about putting a V8 in the front of that. But even as it is now there is a V6, 300 BHP, it is a light engine or you can have a 4 port turbo. It is rear-wheel drive this time…

Jeremy Clarkson:
Rear drive?

Richard Hammond:
Yep. And limited-slip diff. They are looking to take on a Mustang with it.

James May:
Even I like that.