Treed Murray

Homeless Man:
Spare a little money, sir? Any change will help.

Murray:
Sorry. Pass. Thanks ...

Homeless Man:
It all flows back, you know!

Murray:
Get out of my way. Come on, look. [Cater blocks him, moving back and forth] What? Are we dancing here or what?

Murray:
I'm sorry.

Shark:
No, no, no. I said you need to come down, here, and apologize, you know, face to face, like a man. Not up there, like a squirrel.

Murray:
You see, I know people. And if you had a way to get me down, like a gun or something, you'd have used it by now.

Shark:
[laughs] A gun? Murray! Using a gun is like making your baby sister cry uncle.

Carter:
Well... weren't *we* jacking *him*?

Murray:
Uh... Yeah!

Murray:
[at the top of his lungs] F***ing help me!

Murray:
Laugh it up, you bunch of cowards.

KC:
You're the one hiding in the tree, man.

Murray:
No sh*t, Einstein! 'Cause you're a gang, I can't beat a f***ing *gang*!

Shark:
A gang? We're not a gang. More like a... More like a... A squad of self-directed urban park-rangers.

Murray:
Shark? Did he just call you Shark? Very West Side Story.

Murray:
Not that it's any of my business, or anything, but... Who made you the boss, Shark? Huh? I mean, how does one come to lead a half-assed punk gang? Is it a credit/point system, or something? Or were you elected by a body of your peers? Or... Hey! Maybe it's a system of birth-right! Was your daddy a Shark, too?

KC:
Why don't you shut the f*** up! You don't know nothin', you whitebread country club prick!

Murray:
[flicks a lit match at him] I'm not talking to you, dipshit.

Murray:
[to Shark] From what I can see, you're the boss because you threaten, you manipulate and you intimidate. You're a bully. It's how Hitler got into power.

Carter:
Yo! You calling us Nazis?

Murray:
Well hey, if the jackboot fits, shorty...

Carter:
Shows what you know! My grandpa faught the Nazis.

Murray:
Oh yeah? Well, I bet your grandpa is just bursting with pride in you now.

Carter:
F*** you!

Murray:
Good answer!

Shark:
Look, look. Don't nobody talk to the squirrel no more.

Murray:
See, censorship! Next, he'll be shutting down our newspapers!

Murray:
I'm just saying... Why doesn't someone else get to be the leader. How about a little democracy here? I mean, big guy opened the briefcase without damaging it. [to Dwayne] You know, why don't you run for leadership? You could campaign for a kinder, gentler approach to terrorizing the park. [Dwayne smiles to himself] Okay. We may have to work on your communication skills first, but... Yeah. It's a good start.

KC:
[holds up a picture] This your wife, Murray? Huh? Gotta cut back on the cake, you know?

Murray:
Your powers of observation astound, Holmes. She's pregnant, not fat.

KC:
Oh yeah? Who's the father?

Shark:
Does your wife know that your aspirin bottle comes with a little prize inside?

Murray:
Slut!

Kelly:
Takes one to know one, John.

Murray:
So it's... It's getting really dark. What do you say we end this? You win, all right?

Shark:
You coming down?

Murray:
You guys go, you take my stuff, you take my apologies, and you leave knowing that you beat me. Then, I'll come down, you know, go home and you'll never... Never see me again.

Shark:
[laughs] So, you're gonna let us win? Okay. We win! Yay! [stops laughing] You *arrogant* f***. You think I give two shits that it's getting dark, huh? Is that the best you got, Murray? What the f*** did you think I was gonna say? "That was a great chat, buddy. I'm so glad that we were able to see eye to eye on this issue. You're free to go, now."

Murray:
You think you're in charge? You think you're just gonna walk away? Well, f*** you, Sharkly! How long before someone comes through here, huh? I mean, we're not on a desert island, right? I say dawn, seven a.m. at the latest, there'll be joggers. It's a park. It's a public f***ing park! I'm gonna hunt you down, you little psycho. You and your whole Manson family: Kelly, Dwayne, K f***ing C! Oh yeah. I haven't just been sitting up here, jerking off. How long do you think it's gonna take the police to track down that group of names, huh? Just with that stupid f***ing nickname, Shark. How many high schools need to be checked, how many police records?

Kelly:
[scared] I knew it. F***.

KC:
Shark?

Murray:
[yells louder and louder as the scene goes on] Let her go, bat-boy, it doesn't matter, now. You had your chance. But you're all f***ed now! Each one of you! You hear me, Shark? You're gonna lose! I'll tell you something about people like me: people like me win! You hear me? [at the top of his lungs] I'm gonna f*** you, but good! So come and get it!

Murray:
Sorry, I, uh... I didn't catch your name.

Carter:
[in pain] Carter.

Murray:
Carter. You got a first name?

Carter:
James... ow...

Murray:
[laughing] Jimmy Carter? No kiddin', huh? [takes his wallet back] Well, thank you, Mr. President, but you can forget about a reward.

Murray:
You know, I'll bet if we took a vote right now, Carter, here, would be on the dissenting side, huh?

Murray:
Hey! Get help! I'll pay you. Call the police! I need help! I'm serious. I've got money.

Homeless Man:
Pass. Thanks. Because it all flows back.

Murray:
It's over, scumbag. You do value your friend, and you know something? That's good. For me. [takes out the knife] You know how to stop the bleeding from a major artery? You have to isolate the wound, press down. Believe it or not, I actually did it once. Life rescue. But you gotta be right the first time ...

Kelly:
Don't.

Murray:
Oh, I think so. Here's the plan: I'm gonna cut your friend and I'm gonna drop him. Then I'm gonna tell you how to pinch off the bleeding while someone goes for help. No help, he's dead in 15 minutes. Okay, everybody ready? Or maybe we can spare him the trouble, huh? Send the big guy to the park right now. If he's back with the cops in 15 minutes, I won't poke a hole in the president.

Shark:
Nobody's leaving.

Kelly:
Yes, okay? Just don't.

Murray:
Okay. Anybody else wanna vote for my plan?

Kelly:
[to Murray] I knew it. I could smell it. You have "trick" written all over you.

Murray:
[about Dwayne] The big dumb beast returns, but now, it can talk.

[Everyone is hiding in the bushes from the Raven]

Murray:
[laughing] Oh, you guys, you've gotta admit, you are not looking so tough at the moment. [yells] Oh, Raven! Oh, oh, Raven!

Shark:
[whispering] Shut the f*** up!

Murray:
Yo, Raven, over here, I've got some chumps for you to blood.

Dwayne:
Stop it, please.

Murray:
Oh, I'm sorry. Am I getting the lingo wrong?

Dwayne:
You don't know what you're doing.

Murray:
Oh, yes, I do. I'm calling... [shouts] Raven! Oh!

Dwayne:
Shh! They'll kill you.

Murray:
Haven't you heard? I'm already slated for death. I mean, it comes up every five minutes, for Christ's sake!

Murray:
And Dwayne, if you genuinely care about that girl, you may want to ask yourself: "What did Shark require in exchange for that little bit of rock?"

Murray:
[to Shark] You couldn't get an *apple* out of a tree, let alone me. And you only got till sunrise. I'd use the time to... get out of town, guppy.

Carter:
Now what?

Murray:
Well, if the past is any indication, Sharky will rant and rave about how he's gonna kill me, and then... I'll try and muster a little fear, but it's getting kind of tough, because, you know, he's proving to be quite the useless little turd.

KC:
[to Shark] What the f*** is wrong with you? Don't you remember? I watched your back. I saved your ass. Me! I'm the one who's down! I'm f***ing down! You liar!

Murray:
You'd know all about lies, wouldn't you, chump? With your phoney South-Side-Projects accent and your well-rehearsed Homeboy posture. Your prewashed hoodie and your warehouse outlet sneakers. It's all a lie, isn't it? You slipped when you nailed my briefcase as a Ferocco. It's very uptown.

KC:
F*** you!

Murray:
Yep! You're the pretender. Naughty little rich boy, slummin' it with a real down and dirty crowd. A wannabe!

KC:
You don't know what the f***... You don't know what the f*** you're talking about, so just shut the f*** up!

Murray:
I know what I'm talking about, all right. I know you better than you know yourself. I can see right into you because I made you. I dressed you. You reek of every billboard, every magazine cover, every commercial I put out over the last two years. You're a perfect demographic fit. You know, mid-teen, male, upper-middle income, bored, hip-hop listening, underage drinking, pathologically masturbating little consumer. Am I wrong, Shark? Hmm? Ever been to his house? Bet you haven't. No, the ever-enthusiastic KC just kind of shows up from time to time, huh?

Murray:
[to KC] You know it's just fashion, right? You're supposed to wear it to the mall, you're not supposed to let it develop into a teenage psychopathology, you simp.

Murray:
Don't you think it'd be just a little safer if you just let mommy and daddy pay for a little analysis instead of acting out your rampant, testosterone-driven blood lust?

KC:
Man, f*** off!

Murray:
They're gonna kick your lights out, you know... Maybe you'd better run home, back to your videogames, your computer chat-rooms and your microwavable cuisine.

KC:
[Murray's breathing hard] Gonna have a heart attack, Murray.

Murray:
Thought you'd be home by now. Snuggled in the bosom of your au pair.

Murray:
[to KC] What are you gorpin' at, wannabe?

Kelly:
[to Dwayne] No... No, I hate you! I hate you! Let go of me! You're a f***ing leech. You're a moping, hag, dog, stupid waste of a f***ing life! F***! Just leave me the f*** alone! Leave me alone!

Murray:
Dwayne. You deserve better than this. I know... I know people. And you gotta know, she doesn't feel about you the way you feel about her. I mean, you think she's your girl? You think she'll be faithful? You think she cares? She doesn't care. I know that's hard for you to understand, now.

Dwayne:
You don't know what you're talking about.

Murray:
I'm not trying to hurt you, here. Just open your eyes. F***! Kelly's a... Kelly is a...

Dwayne:
My sister. She's my sister. You know, I'm listenin' to you, sittin' up there just, you know, talking and talking, like you got everything all figured out. 'Cause you, yeah, you know people. You don't know sh*t, Murray. We're not people. We're just a bunch of cowards and punks and traitors, right?

Murray:
No.

Dwayne:
'Cause if we were people, then you might have to care. And you just don't give a f***, do you?

Murray:
No, I care.

Dwayne:
Oh, you care? Yeah, who do you care about, huh? Your wife?

Murray:
Of course.

Dwayne:
Or your mistress? Care about your boy... or your dealer? Your six-figure job: breathmints, dandruff shampoo... What do you really care about, huh? You care about Carter? Do you have *any* idea what you've done to him? Do you? Care about me? Is that why you gotta tell me about Kelly? All right. You know people. What is she then? My sister's a what?

Murray:
I was just gonna say that...

Dwayne:
[yelling] My sister's a what?

Murray:
Kelly's a... Kelly's addicted to drugs.

Dwayne:
[smiling] No sh*t! You're a real people person, all right!

Murray:
Please, James. Let them kill me. Give Shark the gun. Just walk away.

Carter:
Walk away? [voice breaking] Walk away where?

[last lines]

Murray:
[about KC] He's right. The cops are gonna come with the ambulance. You should go. [Shark shakes his head no]

Kelly:
I'm stayin' too.

Shark:
[to Murray] Okay, okay. Throw down your wallet, man. [Murray does] Smart. Smart. See, what did I tell you about these cats in suits? Educated.